Getting clarity
Come hell or high water, I am going to find a way to blog today. I am just coming down from a weekend of seeing family and celebrating the life of my Grandma. We got back home on Monday night, and I feel as though I’ve just been walking in circles trying to make sense of it all. What I’m most baffled by is that I didn’t seem to ever have enough time to even think about how much she meant to me until now. I mean, I don’t have regrets. I called her often (like a good granddaughter should). I sent her cards for Valentine’s Day, Halloween, her birthday and Christmas. I visited her when I was in town and made a point to go see her at the nursing home when I was up there a few weeks ago. The visits were becoming more and more grueling…I won’t lie. I literally fell apart when I saw her at Christmas. She wasn’t the same. She knew who I was, but she was quickly preoccupied with the stories in her head and trying to make sense of the words she knew in a huge effort to make a sentence. It wasn’t easy to see her go downhill like this. Yet, somehow, I was swepted away by my own life. I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty about that. We are all caught up in our own little worlds and happenings. I had my second baby boy in May of this year, and he and his big brother have been my top priority. I thought of her often. I even got teared up quite a bit when I would remember old times and fun conversations I had had with her. I only wish I would have written all the stuff she said down. She was so funny! But, as much as I thought of her, the time and effort it took to call the nursing home seemed to overwhelm me over these past few months. Heck, everything has been overwhelming! I was able to talk to her briefly the week before she died. She still knew me and we talked for several minutes, but the words were making less and less sense.
Anyway, I said all that to say that I’ve been deeply moved this week about life and the way things truly are. You are born, you grow, you live a (hopefully) long life and you die. There’s nothing more to it. And no matter how much you might try to remove yourself from that, the realization that death doesn’t discriminate is evident everywhere we look. I would never say that I take anything for granted. And yet, somehow, I thought she would be around a lot longer. She became, as they say, part of the scenery. She was just always there.
Without letting myself go too far off the deep end here, I need to just shed some extra weight on my mind. I don’t know how to do it, but this blog will hopefully help me unleash some of the things that have been holding me down and tieing me up. First of all, I don’t know why I can’t just live my days and enjoy them without being worried about all the things that need to be done. I hate that about me and I want to change it. Second, I want to actually find a way to get those necessary things done so that they aren’t bogging me down anymore and develop a system that allows me to have more freedom in my head. Third, I want to enjoy the people in my life and let them know more how much they mean to me. It doesn’t take much to pick up the phone, write a letter or send an email…and yet, somehow, days and weeks go by and I just get lazy.
Here are some things that are super important to me that I want to see myself/my family find a way to make a part of my/our life:
- Make a budget and start setting money aside (so I don’t have to feel guilty about what I spend anymore and we can start looking forward to doing things together without worrying)
- Start working out again (even if only twice a week)
- Eating even healthier, flavorful foods and cut back on eating out (see budget)
- Planning and doing fun things together (instead of worrying about money, the house being clean or the laundry)
- Breast reduction (OK, that’s a long term goal)
- Get my photos organized and printed and hung up on the wall and put in albums (enough putting this one off ALREADY!!!)
- Move back to Kansas City (another long term goal)
- Find a good church where we feel like we fit in and the kids have a wonderful Children’s Ministry to attend
- Start singing again
- Get a bigger car
OK, I know I’ve left some things out here, but this is a good start. I have several “hard copies” of this list looming around my house, but it’s just enough already. I’m tired of walking in circles. I’m tired of not having clarity and wishing things were different. Things are too good to feel dissatisfied. I now realize that the discontentment comes from just not having clarity and order. I know people say “just enjoy this time…it’s so precious”…blah blah blah…I do enjoy it! But that doesn’t mean I can’t make some necessary changes so I can enjoy it more. When you have two little ones under the age of 3, you start to realize that you can’t just wing it anymore. For instance, I used to think up what I was going to make for dinner 5 minutes before I started making it. Now I have to know that day if I have all the ingredients nearby, because it’s not as doable to just jump in the car and run up to the store. I also need to know when and how I’m going to do our family budget (for instance, Wednesday evenings at 10:30pm) so that it actually gets done.
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