by Amy | Sep 25, 2012 | mama confessions
Today was one of those days that makes you realize why you are starting to notice gray hairs on your head. It started out innocently enough. We all slept in til about 8am this morning which is quite a feat for our family. We got up and the boys played in the living room while Thomas made coffee for us. I got on my computer like I always do to check on emails and briefly look through news and all the ads I get sent. Julian, as usual, was not having it. He has started making it a habit of coming up and shutting my computer when he wants my attention. Sweet little thing. He did the same thing this morning, but he quickly went on to play with something and managed to leave me alone for a little bit. Thomas brought me my wonderful coffee with the foam on the top. It was divine! I started to take a second sip when Julian came up and knocked his toy on my keyboard and shook my hand with the coffee in it. The coffee then spilled on my keyboard. It was only a little bit, but it still managed to fry my keyboard to the point where it can no longer be used. Fortunately, the part is already ordered and I’m using an external keyboard now to type this ever important blog post.
Our day went on and I decided that, in lieu of parks or playdates or fun things for the kids, I would attempt to venture out with the kids and do a little shopping. We have a mini-trip coming up this weekend and I needed to get a couple of odds and ends. It went really well. I went to Marshall’s and found a couple of things (I always do). Then I went to Ulta and got some hair products and we went home to eat lunch because we didn’t have any spare diapers with us and Julian desperately needed a new one.
We had a nice and peaceful lunch where the kids actually ate what I made them. All was well.
As the day progressed, we went outside so the boys could play. But before I knew it, both boys ended up inside the minivan — their favorite place to play. I quickly got them both out and my oldest proceeded to scream and hit and kick me. I could tell he was really tired and I had planned on loading them up in the car so he could nap a bit, but I opted instead for a short time out on a chair in the garage so he could calm down and apologize.
Now, let’s back up about, oh, three days ago. We were out having breakfast and stopped by Sears Outlet to look at their lawn equipment when we noticed that they had the perfect sized bike for Tate and it was on sale. We had talked about getting him a bike for his upcoming birthday, but were not seriously looking. However, the opportunity presented itself and we came up with the perfect heist to get the bike back home and up in the attic before he could discover it.
Well, that almost went off without a hitch. As my son was sitting in time out in the garage, he looked up and noticed the beautiful box in the attic that had a picture of a shiny red bike on the front of it. His hysterical cries quickly went to hysterical laughter as he started to realize that it was a new bike for him. “OH. MY. GODDDDDDD!!!!!” I thought. This was supposed to be the perfect present for his 4th birthday and now it was ruined. My thoughts quickly raced to ways I could cause harm to my husband. I’m kidding. But seriously!? How could we have been so careful about getting this thing home and then, after all that, not followed through on a tiny detail like the fact that it was the front box in the attic and the attic door was open!??? My son’s hysterical laughter/crying quickly turned back to hysterical crying when I told him we couldn’t get it down. It was for his birthday. He needed to wait. That was not going to fly. I quickly called my husband to rip him a…and try to come up with a plan. His plan was to come home early and put the bike together for our son. We had no backup plan. We were screwed. We were just going to have to give it to him early and make him promise that he wouldn’t expect anything on his birthday. ha! Yeah. Right.
After that, I drove my kids on a couple errands in order to get them to fall asleep. Then we went to the grocery store to pick up a few odds and ends. I took my time because I wanted my husband to have plenty of uninterrupted time to put that bike together. When we returned home, his car was in the driveway and when he came out to greet us, we noticed that the bike box in the attic was gone. I asked my husband under my breath what he had done with the bike. He said he hid it when he saw us pull up. Funny thing is, he hadn’t even begun putting it together again. My son was in a state of disbelief that the bike had gone missing. Where could it be? We brainstormed. We thought about it. And that was it. He never asked about it again for the rest of the evening.
We took him to soccer practice. We came home and ate dinner. Not much more than a, “Where did that bike go?” come out of his mouth. By bedtime, he had put it out of his mind completely.
I said all that to say that I find some comic relief in all of this. My husband and I both have a tendency to take the stress of the moment so literally. We frequently get into heated conversations over situations like these. We let the situation affect us and make us second guess our parenting. We get frustrated. We get insecure. We lash out. But, in the end, the kids don’t even remember it. They just wanted to make a big deal out of nothing. And now that they have, they are over it. If only I could always remember this when I’m feeling near the end of my rope.
This will pass. And it will pass so quickly that you won’t even know what just happened.
by Amy | Sep 14, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Our lives are so full and rich right now. We are so blessed by our little boys, Tate and Julian.
As I mentioned before, Tate started preschool last week and is attending on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He was excited to go at first, but when he realized he was going there by himself and staying there without us, he was not very happy. Each preschool morning, Tate asks with anticipation what we are doing today. When we tell him he’s going to preschool, he usually gets upset and says something like, “I don’t want to go to preschool!! I want to stay here with you Mommy!” The first couple days of this broke my heart. Thomas and I were both beside ourselves with guilt. Not only that, but Julian walked around the house (and still does) with a sour look on his face and points out the window saying, “Daddy! Tate!” He doesn’t like being left out, and since Thomas takes Tate to school, Julian sees them leaving and wants to go too.
Today was Tate’s 4th official day of school. He barely ate this morning and threw a mini-meltdown when he realized he was going there. We tried to change the subject at breakfast so he would at least eat. lol! Once he got there, he began to tell Thomas he didn’t want to go, but when they got to the classroom, he was fine. The teachers at his preschool are absolute gems and they have been so helpful with distracting him and helping him feel right at home there. I am so grateful we found this place!
Well, perhaps even more newsworthy than Tate’s day at preschool is the fact that Julian turned 16 months old today! I can’t believe how quickly time has passed. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long!! He is getting to be so big. He says so many words now and does so many cute things.
He has been saying words like Daddy, ball, park, dog for a while now, but his vocabulary is growing so rapidly I can hardly keep up. It’s the same with his teeth!! I don’t even know anymore when he got which tooth because they all seem to be coming in at once. What a cutie!
These past couple weeks we’ve been working on his colors. We point at something blue and say “Blue”…we point at something red and say “Red” and so on. Today he was looking at a book and we were pointing at the different colors and he was repeating them after me. It’s so cute! Also during the past few weeks, his favorite thing to do is point at the flowers in the antique quilt from my Grandma. They are all different colors, so he has been fascinated by pointing his finger to each one and repeating the color of the flower after me. He is so smart!
Today he was walking around just pointing at objects and either saying their names or looking questioningly at me for the answer. He knew most of them though. He pointed to a glass of water and said very clearly, “Water.” He then started playing with blocks and looked at me and said, “Block.” He knows his eyes, nose and mouth in English and German. And when he says Moon, he usually mixes the two languages and says, “Moond”. It’s truly fascinating to observe him learning. This afternoon we were in Target and he kept taking his shoes off and saying “Shoe” and throwing them on the ground. He thought that was so funny! He loves to go pick out a book and bring it to me and plop it in my lap and say “Book!”
What else is he doing? Well, he hates it when I’m on the computer. So now he shuts my laptop when he wants my attention. Maybe a sign I’m on it too much? ha ha Until today he has always cautiously sat down when he wants to go down a step — even a very small one. Well, today his big accomplishment was standing up on the fireplace and stepping down off of the bricks onto the carpet without sitting down or falling. He was so proud of himself that he did it about 20 times just to show everyone. We, of course, all clapped every time! And he clapped too.
by Amy | Sep 14, 2012 | mama confessions
I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but “balanced” has never been one of those things. Oddly enough, that’s something I’ve always strived for, and I’ve always felt that my lack of balance has been a shortcoming or stumbling-block throughout my life. In many ways it has been. I know that I tend to get excited about something and go go go, and then, somehow, whatever it was I got excited about loses its appeal days or weeks later. I also have issues when it comes to daily chores or developing a routine. I have the discipline to stay on course, but I’ve rarely been balanced enough to ride the waves and not let myself get bored or irritated with the task at hand. That’s almost embarrassing to admit. But, I hesitate to think that everyone I know doesn’t have a little bit of that in them. Or, don’t they?
I’ve mentioned before that I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. I either have it completely together (at least in my head) and things are smooth sailin’, or I am a complete train wreck with everything falling apart around me. I am either balls to the wall into something or completely disinterested in everything. I’m either super-duper productive or I can’t manage to open an envelope I got in the mail. I am either a crazed neat-freak with everything perfectly in place and a roast in the oven or a complete slob with stacks of paper piled high to my cobb-webbed ceiling and four different to-go boxes of leftovers from four different restaurants in the fridge. Call it what you will, but never call me “balanced”.
The biggest issue I’m having with this personality defect/charming, artistic side of me is how it affects my ability to be the kind of mother I want to be to my kids. I would think that it might be hard for them to deal with at some point, and for that reason alone, I would like to attempt to be a bit more even-keeled and predictable. Right now, however, that is really hard for me to do and here’s why…
You see, before having kids, I could just dive into a project and be completely absorbed in it without my absence or involvement in other activities affecting anyone around me. I could work on an opera score or learn German or spend hours learning how to do something with no interruptions other than having to pee or sleep or eat. I could brainstorm (which I love to do). I could read interesting books. I could learn a new skill. I could be the hermit I was meant to be and fully devoted and absorbed in something that gave me fulfillment. ha! But now all of that has changed. And I’m struggling with that. A big part of me feels a lot of guilt that I have other interests besides spending every waking moment with my precious lil’ ones right now. “That’s silly to say!” you might be thinking. “Every Mom needs a break!!” Well, I know, but sometimes I need more of a break than the time in my days or weeks allow. Everyone tells you to cherish these moments, because “they don’t last…” But lately, I’ve been wanting to do some things that are taking up a lot of my time and taking my focus away from my kids. The old me feels great satisfaction from doing things that awaken my creative side, but the new me feels complete and total guilt, and quite honestly, complete frazzled-ness from not being able to tend to the things that keep our household going in a way that makes me feel like a better Mommy.
This week, I have totally let things go. I mean, I’ve picked up the kids’ toys every night and put them away, and I’ve continued to do dishes and keep the kitchen picked up (for the most part), but the laundry has piled up and I’ve totally spaced out on my to-do list. The bathrooms are all dirty and the floors are a MESS. I haven’t cooked all week (except for tonight) and we’ve eaten out wayyy too much lately. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for two days and I’ve let myself go just to save time. Why, you ask? Well, lucky for you, I’ll tell ya!
Right now, I’m completely obsessed with learning about website design and have been up most nights for the past 3 weeks trying to make sense of it all playing around with graphics and attempting to learn CSS. It all started when I wanted to update my business website, and then I got the bright idea and the fire lit underneath me to attempt it myself with a new website I’m working on. I’m going to be tie-ing it to this blog, and I’ll let you all be the first to see it when it’s ready. I promise. Anyway, this is keeping me busy. It’s a good kind of busy. I am enjoying myself and learning a lot. But I’m also completely insane right now too. I’m finding that I am looking for every chance I can get to just sit down on my computer and work on these things. But that time rarely comes. And then I get frustrated and grouchy. Today was one of those days.
On the flip side, my little baby boy, Julian, turned 16 months old today! He is growing so quickly. He is so sweet and I feel terrible right now that I’m not more tuned in to him. I want to be. I try to be. I just desperately need this time. I feel so selfish for feeling that way. He is so smart and he’s learning everything so quickly. Just today, he was walking around the house pointing at objects and saying what they were. “Water”…”Brush”…”Shoes”…”Blocks”. His vocabulary is growing so rapidly. I want to be present and enjoying this time with him. But all I could think of today was, “When are you going to go to sleep so I can get some things done!?”
Ugh. Balance. It’s a neverending, almost uphill thing to achieve. I don’t even know that I really want to achieve it. I think I’d be bored if I were balanced.
Interestingly enough, this is what a recent book I just read has to say about balance:
“The pursuit of balance is stressing us out. It’s a maddening juggle of self, others, career. Equal parts exercise, home décor, loverly devotion, career ambition, and family tending— and we wonder why we get sick when we finally take a vacation. If you do manage to get balanced, it’s only temporary. Success throws things out of whack. Just when you get it balanced, circumstances or a great idea turns everything around. You can never get it right. Balance: the losing battle. I burn a lot of omelets. It’s a regular occurrence. I’m drawing robots with my kid, I’m jotting down an idea I don’t want to lose, I’m taking the call. And then the smoke alarms go off. I “work” on holidays. I’ve been known to read in bed all day on a Monday. I send birthday gifts three months early or three months late, but I always send just the right gift. I can eat granola cereal every day for a week, wear the same clothes, and not leave the house because I want to finish a project. The last time I was at a monastery, I tweeted about it. This is not a balanced life. But it works for me.” – Danielle LaPorte
by Amy | Sep 8, 2012 | mama confessions
Oh…is all I can say. I have been searching for a moment…ONE moment where I can have a little peace and quiet and actually write or do something without interruption. But the moment never comes. I guess I have to learn to sneak away in small moments like these — when my husband is giving our two boys a bath–and just relish in the 3 or 4 minutes of peace I get here and there. Outside of that, there’s no chance I will ever write anything here again.
Wow! This week has been a whirlwind! My son started preschool this past Tuesday. Truthfully, it’s just a Mothers’ Day Out program, but it feels like a huge thing to have him gone for 4 hours 2 days a week. I know I’ll get used to it and actually learn to enjoy it soon. For now, it just feels weird. But, I know it’s a good thing!
Anyway…I don’t have much time as I hear my youngest screaming in the bathtub on the other side of the house, and I think my husband is already at his wit’s end — even though he’s only been alone with our kids for a mere 30 minutes so far today. Ughh…sorry, that was not meant to be a jab. I’m just so OVER IT!
So let’s be real, shall we? I’m once again finding that I’m a bit…or let’s say a LOT overwhelmed. I’m not overwhelmed in the same way that I found myself this time last year. No, that was a naive overwhelmed. That was a flailing my arms through the air swimming upstream with my head barely above water kind of overwhelmed because I didn’t know the path ahead of me yet. I wasn’t aware of what was to come. I had a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 month old this time last year. I had NO idea!! And I didn’t have the rhythm of this whole thing down.
Now fast forward a year. I’m well aware of what’s ahead. I have an almost 4 year old and an almost 16 month old. They are both active and amazing little boys that require a lot of my time and energy. They are amazing and a lot of fun. That’s for sure. I am still tired, but not as tired as I was then. And now, at least, I feel like I have the rhythm down. I know what to expect. Things are fairly predictable. So why am I overwhelmed? Because it’s hard. It’s hard to juggle Motherhood and all it entails, work and all it entails, the household and all it entails and relationships of any kind and all they entail. I find this balance to be very tricky. You excel in one area and then fail miserably in another. When you start to pick up the slack in another area, the others start to fall apart. Very tricky.
I say all this not to complain, but merely to make sense of it all. That’s what writing helps me to do. I also realize over and over again what drains me and what gives me energy. If I could only pay attention to the things that give me energy! That could help, right? It’s not that easy though.
Anyway…enough about what gives me energy. I need to get some work done and then hopefully attempt to get to bed at a decent time tonight. That would give me some energy for sure.
Happy Weekend Everyone!
by Amy | Sep 4, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Well, tomorrow is Tate’s very first day of preschool! It’s more like a “Mother’s Day Out”. Call it what you will, but it feels weird to me. I am so excited for him and I know we are all ready for this day. But, I can’t help but feel like he is slipping out of my reach. Sweet Little Guy! I love him so much!!! I still can’t believe he’s almost 4 years old! This doesn’t seem possible. And he’s growing so quickly as each day passes.
Last week, we went out and bought him a new “spaceship lunch box” at Target. He is very proud of it and always wants to take it with us when we go somewhere where we need to take our food. On Saturday, I finally convinced him that he needed to get a hair cut for school, and he didn’t fight me on it. We went to a kids’ hair stylist in town and he did great! The cut is very cute on him, and when we left he said very excitedly, “Mom! I didn’t even CRY!!!” lol He didn’t. He was a big boy!!
Other than that, we have completely taken the casual approach. For starters, I have no idea what he will wear tomorrow, and that probably doesn’t matter because he usually ends up wearing whatever he wants anyway. He is pretty stubborn that way. I hope I can convince him to at least wear something that matches and looks good. I will also be sure to pack an extra change of undies and shorts because he’s been going through them like crazy lately with little accidents here and there.
Anyway, we will see how it goes tomorrow. I am praying that everything will go as smoothly as possible and that he will LOVE it!!! Whatever the case, the day will be wrought with anticipation.
Help us God!
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