by Amy | Jan 23, 2012 | mama confessions
I began my post earlier with some very poignant thoughts and insight regarding how things are going for me right now, but it turned into a mindless, rambling rant, so I tucked it away into my prayer journal that only I, God and perhaps whomever inherits my computer files will see someday. Blogging is tougher than I thought it would be. You know why? Because now I don’t feel free to ramble whatever comes to my mind. I wish I could do that, but when I start to do that, I risk feeling too transparent and vulnerable. Sometimes it’s good to just empty your trash behind closed doors and put on a happy face for the rest of the world. I actually hate doing that. I’m super transparent and don’t like putting on a happy face just to save face. But, for the sake of not dragging the world (or my 4 readers) down with me, I will refrain from unloading.
Truthfully, there’s not much to unload other than the usual: I’m tired. I see no end to the tired. I have responsibilities that make it hard for me to stay tired. I’m no different than anyone else with children or 50 million things on their plate. My burden is no more difficult to bear than anyone else. Everyone has a problem. Everyone has issues they are dealing with. Mine are unique to me, but not unique to the world. So, why then can’t I just let it go? Why do I have to take my tiredness personally? Where does the conflict lie here?
Well, to be honest, I’ve been asking myself some difficult questions all day today. I woke up bitter and resentful. This was my second day in a row to wake up before 6am with the baby after sleeping with him and nursing him back to sleep all night long. I’ve run through all the scenarios of why he isn’t sleeping well. He slept well until about 3 months ago. Since then, my life has been on hold. I have seriously contemplated letting him “cry it out” as some books, some friends and some family suggest. But, after 2 failed attempts, I just don’t think I have it in me. I tried it with my older son as well since he was never a good sleeper either. I wanted so badly for it to work for me, but I couldn’t do it. I read all the books before I had my first child that suggested that children need to self sooth and be allowed to cry themselves to sleep in order to learn how to sleep better. When I read those books prior to having children, I thought, “Hmmm…seems easy enough. Children should not rule the house, after all. They need structure. I need a life. If it takes a few nights of screaming, so be it.” That all changed when he was born. I hated even hearing the slightest whimper. Now, I’m a little more callous, I must admit. As he’s gotten older, I have less and less of a hard time hearing him cry — especially if he’s been disciplined. But, I still can’t tune it out. It’s just not in me. And that’s ok.
At first I thought that my inability to let my child cry it out was a weakness on my part. I had so many friends who were able to flawlessly “put their child to bed”. I wanted to be that parent. I thought I wanted to be the type of parent who sets the stage for how things are going to be and not be controlled by a child’s rhythm of life. But, as time has gone on, I have become a parent that fits my lifestyle and my family’s lifestyle. Sure, I second-guess myself all the time. I wish my oldest would just go to bed when it’s time, and we wouldn’t have to coax him and lure him into his room. But, we have made such headway. He now goes to his room when it is time and even though my husband or I many times have to lie with him, he eventually falls asleep and sleeps through the night most nights.
My baby, on the other hand, is a different story. He is such a good, sweet baby. He is happy. He is easy-going. But the kid is torturing me at night. Night after night I put him to bed at around the same time. I bathe him. I get him dressed for bed. We read stories. We talk to his Mr. Owl. I sing to him. I nurse him. He falls asleep. I put him in his crib. I leave the room. I go about my life. And night after night, he awakes after 30-45 minutes and wants to nurse again. Then I put him back to bed. Then, if I’m lucky, he sleeps til 10pm and awakes again wanting to nurse. This cycle continues ALL NIGHT LONG! I seriously find myself wondering what I did in a former life to deserve such torture. Now, I have read all the books. And I mean ALL THE BOOKS on this topic. I know the age-old theory that if you put a baby to bed half asleep and let him fall asleep on his own he won’t wake up wondering where you are and will eventually put himself back to sleep. This was never the case with my first child and has not yet been the case for the second child. Again, maybe I just don’t have the stamina to hear my kids screaming at the top of their lungs as if they are being tied up by their feet and dragged through broken glass, so maybe this is truly a weakness on my part. But, whatever…I’ll admit to some weakness here and there.
All that to say, I am seriously conflicted with this whole sleep thing, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this conflicted about anything else in my life. That’s pretty extreme. I know. But, the subject causes me some pretty major anxiety. On one hand, I do want my life semi-back. I know that I have kids, so my life IS my kids right now. I get that. But, I’d like to be able to put my kids to bed at a decent time at night and read or lie in front of the tv or have a conversation with my husband without a million interruptions or catch up on emails or a hobby I enjoy. I’m painfully missing being able to count on a break at night, and I’m dreading nights right now because I know they will most likely be more exhausting than the day I just had.
Anyway…I wanted to avoid ranting or complaining, but truthfully, I needed to get this stuff out in a constructive way. (btw-my original post was much more angry and hostile)
I truly want to make some positive decisions for this upcoming year and not let myself be brought down by things as trivial as sleep deprivation. I know this will not last forever. It can’t. If it does, I will die. But, really…it can’t. So, I’m praying that God would give me strength to make it through and I keep praying that my son would start sleeping longer periods of time. I know he can do it. Go Julian! Sleep, Baby! Sleepppppppppppp!!!!!
by Amy | Jan 16, 2012 | mama confessions
So, I decided that I need to quit beating myself for not getting around to blogging. Truthfully, I have bigger fish to fry and when I’m not frying those fish, I’m trying to get some much needed rest. But, today, I have help! It’s MLK Day which means that school kids have today off which means that I have a babysitter for a couple of hours. This is SO nice! I had forgotten how great it was to have someone else on board during the weekday to help me just have a break and get some stuff done. I actually practiced for the first time in many many months for an upcoming recital I’m singing in, and now, I’m blogging! Yay!
I can still hear my kids…and occasionally, I have to go in the next room to correct one of them. But, it’s still help. I can sit here without guilt about ignoring my kids and write a little while. I should be going through my tax returns and receipts and tending to my paperwork…that endless pile of paperwork. But, I am rejuvenating. I am regrouping instead. I need this.
So, sorry I’m babbling. I have a 3-year old who is telling his sitter that he needs a different bowl for his pretzels than for his nuts. Whatevs. Can’t concentrate. Moving to another room a little further away.
My new goal is to blog once a week. I think I can handle that. Once a day is too much. Once a month is not enough. I think I can make a time once a week and blog. It just can’t be another thing on my “to-do list” or I will abandon it like I abandon shaving my legs. I know…TMI…but, it’s winter after all. And really, who is looking at my legs that closely anyway?
So, how are you? Blogs are so one-sided, you know? What’s new with you and your life?
OK…if you must know, I’ll share some new happenings of my own.
For starters, I just accepted a children’s choir director position at Central Presbyterian Church in downtown Austin. I’m super excited about it (albeit a little anxious too). It will be a great opportunity for me to get out of the house once a week and do something different besides being a Mommy and teaching privately here at home. It will also mean a little bit (and I mean a very little bit) of extra income to help us pay off some things.
Aside from that, I am planning on renewing my membership at Brushy Creek Community Center so I can start working out again. A sweet friend of mine gave me a massage for Christmas and came and watched the boys for me last Friday so I could go. I was actually reluctant to do it — not because I didn’t think a massage sounded AMAZING, but because there are so many things I’d like to do if someone offered to take the kids for an hour. I could read…I could give myself a pedicure…I could finally organize my closet or pantry in peace…I could go sit at Starbuck’s and blog or surf the web uninterrupted. But, I went for the massage, and you know what? It had a profound affect on me. I realized how much I have been neglecting my body over the past year and a half. She worked on muscles I had forgotten existed. I kept thinking all the way through this heavenly massage, “OMG! why haven’t I done this sooner?? I SO need this!!!!!” It was a wake-up call to how I’m feeling mentally and physically these days. I’m stiff. I’m sore. I’m grouchy. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. But that’s all going to change. To confirm what I was thinking, the massage therapist said, “Massage therapy is a gift to your body which awakens your senses to actually hear what your body is trying to tell you about what it needs.” So true, Sister! So, I’m heading back to the gym — this week! I am only going to go twice a week at first. I will drop the boys off in childcare and try to get on a treadmill or eliptical for 30-45 minutes and work up from there. I’m so pumped. I actually asked Thomas if he would want to get his membership renewed and we both took turns in the morning when we got up. And he actually sounded like he was interested in doing that too. This could be so huge for both of us.
What else? Well, my Dad is doing much better and seems to be recovering from the surgery. There are other things that are making me worried about my parents right now, but truthfully, due to some circumstances over the past couple of weeks, I am also letting that go and detaching. I’ve realized that I’ve also been out of sync emotionally because I carry the weight of other people’s burdens too much. Go figure! Well, now I decidedly do not have the luxury of taking on other people’s problems — even if those other people happen to be related to me. That is a HUGE step for me! I hope I can retain this information and keep it secured in my hard head for future recall. See? Sometimes the psychologist we need is lying dormant deep within ourselves! lol
Aside from all that, as I said in my earlier post, we bought a minivan a month ago and sold my beloved Mazda 6 last week. I am officially a soccer Mom. I thought I’d never say this, but I love my minivan. It is so roomy and makes going places so much easier. I never have to worry again about whether or not I will have enough room to bring home groceries from Costco. Life is good!
Anyway…it’s great to be back on here. I’m realizing more and more that I need extra help and resources during my week, and taking this tiny little step today and hiring one of my teenage neighbors is a great first step in that direction. I love being a Mommy (as I’ve said over and over again), but I cannot be a Mommy with no help. I need some downtime. I need some me-time. On that note, here comes trouble. Gotta lock and load.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement during these difficult last couple of months. I’ve needed them!
Take care and enjoy your week!
by Amy | Jan 16, 2012 | mama confessions
I sold my beloved Mazda 6 today. Just like that. We bought a minivan 3 weeks ago before we headed up to K.C. for Christmas. I love it. I really do. I resisted it, but now I’m so grateful we have something this roomy that we can get in an out of and it’s much easier with the kids. I’m just sad that I had to let go of my little car. I have always been one to get attached to my cars. I have cried every time I’ve had to let go of one. It’s ridiculous. So, it’s gone. gone gone gone!
More later about my attachment to cars and how they mirror my life stage and symbolize change for me. Ridiculous, but true!
by Amy | Jan 5, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Yesterday and today were such special days with my little guys. Things were so harried before the Christmas break with my Dad’s health condition and anticipating Christmas and all it entailed that I hardly felt like I had a chance to just hang out with my babies and enjoy my time with them. They are growing so quickly, and it seems like with each new day comes a new developmental milestone, an extra pound or an inch more added to their height.
It’s hard to go back and try to remember everything, but I’ll start from the most recent and backtrack.
Today, Tate and Julian both woke up around 6:30am. We played on the floor and Tate proceeded to tell Julian that he couldn’t play with his toys. Julian is now crawling (since last week) and he’s becoming more and more mobile and interested in Tate’s interesting “big boy toys.” Uh oh
Daddy made waffles (Tate’s favorite) and we ate breakfast and then got dressed and went to the park to meet up with our German play group. When we got there, we saw lots of friends we hadn’t seen in a while. Tate was very excited to see Elizabeth (his sweet little girlfriend) and they held hands and walked around the playground together. Afterwards, we headed home where we ate lunch and played some more. Julian is now eating 3 square meals a day of puree and I am making his food from scratch. He normally loves eating, but yesterday, he was really fussy due to his two new top teeth, so he wasn’t that hungry. He made up for it today!
I kept reminding Tate that he needed to potty in the big boy potty. We are working on potty training with him, but he still forgets and goes pee in his pull-ups. If he had it his way, he would only go in the pull up and never go on the toilet. The only thing that is working in our favor is bribing him with candy. Once today, when I asked him if he had gone in his pull up, he looked up with a grin and said, “Maybe you’re right.” what a little nut!
After piddling around inside, we headed outside and walked around the neighborhood. Tate wanted to walk alongside the stroller rather than get in. When we got back home, Tate played on the driveway blowing bubbles and drawing with sidewalk chalk while I sat on a chair and Julian slept in the stroller. It was a really nice, relaxing day.
Soon thereafter, we came in and Tate fell asleep on the couch while I attempted to clean the kitchen floor and cook dinner. Julian played on the floor and was rather content. Thank GOD!
by Amy | Jan 4, 2012 | mama confessions
Oh what a beautiful day…it’s 70 degrees and sunny! I love Austin this time of year. I finally downloaded an app that allows me to post from my phone. Maybe this way I’ll post more often.
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