by Amy | May 26, 2020 | confessional, mama confessions
Guys, we need community!
And we desperately NEED other people!
And yes, we EVEN need people we disagree with or don’t necessarily share the same political, religious or mask-wearing/not-wearing views with.
In the history of humans, we desire interactions with other humans.
It’s who we are.
But here’s the deal:
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been in quarantine/under lockdown/following “Stay Home” orders for the past 60+ days, and unless we are working with others outside our home, many of us…most of us aren’t communing with others on a day-to-day basis like we used to anymore.
And this isn’t good. Not good at all.
But guess what we ARE doing?
You guessed it.
We’re going on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and we’re watching news that we sorta, kinda trust and consuming articles that very often only strengthen and very seldom challenge our own current views and stances.
And then guess what we’re doing?
You guessed it.
We’re feeling conviction. We’re feeling anger. We’re feeling sad and helpless. And in the midst of it all, a deep need to connect. We’re feeling the need to have a conversation. Both good ones and bad ones. We are human.
We are…feeling.
And…we are bored.
So what do we do?
Instead of picking up the phone or going outside on our front porch and having a friendly conversation six feet away from our neighbor and chatting openly and honestly about what we feel and think and have heard…
We click a button called “Share”.
We “repost” another person’s ideas that closely aligns with our own.
We throw our thoughts and ideas out there hoping for connection.
We hope for the best, but expect the worst.
We feel encouraged by those who agree and like our post.
We feel deflated and angry by the ones who argue and talk about their viewpoints that directly or indirectly go against our own.
We feel validated by those who agree with us and vindicated in never speaking to people who disagree with us again.
Even when those people are OUR FAMILY!
Even when those people are close friends we love.
Even when those people had never meant us no harm before this conversation, this post, this thread.
But now. Now they’ve gone and done it. It’s SO over!
Guys, we have become so incredibly polarized, haven’t we?
I truly believe “social distancing” is making us socially awkward.
But this was a problem long before these orders went into place.
This was a problem long before quarantined lockdown.
Being isolated just made it all that much more apparent and tangible.
Don’t you see it?
We have moved past the point of decent, human interaction into a state of isolated, angry chaos.
And here’s the kicker:
I don’t care what side of things you’re on, there’s one thing I do know: if you all came to my house and sat around a table together over good food and wine, you’d laugh off your differences and cherish the bond of your relationship more than the side you are on.
I guarantee it.
You would.
How do I know this?
This is ALMOST ALWAYS the case, Friend.
I can be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed very easily with someone if I have lost a regular connection with them. In my mind, I’ve conjured up all these ideas about what’s really going on, why they’re avoiding me, what I said the last time we were together, why they didn’t “like” my post or reply to my message and that they must not be interested in still being my friend…or maybe they never were?
You may be thinking, “Good grief! What a whack job!” Or, you may be laughing by this point because you can relate.
But here’s the thing…almost ALWAYS, once we reconnect and chat again — usually in person — I’m reminded of the close bond we have and realize that all of my foolish hypotheticals were just in my head. And even if there was some unresolved tension or situation that needed to be discussed and resolved, it doesn’t take long, in person, to rectify the wrong and resume our relationship in a much stronger place than it was before.
Just recently, for instance, before the Coronavirus hit us and threw us into an isolated state of crazy, I had been feeling a bit agitated and sad over a friendship that I felt had gone a bit south. This friend and I had shared a lot of beautiful memories together and I felt a true kinship with her. But life got busy. Our worlds separated a bit. Invitations didn’t get accepted. Calls didn’t get returned. And before I knew it, I was feeling, well, icky and hurt and confused. I dwelt on it a bit, griped about her unresponsiveness to myself, felt tempted to write her off…and then, finally, enough was enough. I got up the courage and finally texted her and said, “We need to talk.” When we talked on the phone that afternoon, my feelings spilled out and she immediately told me all that had been going on in her life and how badly she felt that she had been so distant, but that she really loved me and missed me. She apologized for her lack of attention to our friendship and assured me she meant no harm. We hashed it out, so to speak, and that day, we mended what could have otherwise been lost.
Two months after that cathartic phone call, this same friend’s mother died unexpectedly. When she texted to tell me the sad news, I immediately called her and we sat and cried together. I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live. I sincerely felt her pain. I ached with her. We bonded over our grief yet again. But I would have never ever been able to be that person for her and feel that deep connection, had I allowed the hurt I was feeling just two months before to create a wedge and sever our friendship. Never.
Guys, I speak from a place of a lot of past conflict — both real and in my head. Both deliberately intended and completely unintended. I have lived to experience a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, break-ups, distancing, and messed up situations that caused me to lose sleep over how someone allegedly treated me or how I allegedly treated them. It’s sad but true. And I’m almost positive I’m not alone.
But unlike many people I know who seem to just write people — even FAMILY MEMBERS — off, because of their differing views or annoying habits, or hurt feelings or misunderstandings, I have learned, over time and a lot of reflection and prayer, that none of this conflict, imagined or real, was ever worth the price of the relationship itself. Ever.
So, I challenge you. I challenge myself: Give up strife. Give up resentment. Give up anger.
You can feel passionate about something and take a stand. I feel passionate about a lot of things.
You can still disagree with someone and love them. Isn’t that what we’re called to do?
You can still hold onto your views. Heck, you can even feel very dignified in having them. You can vehemently disagree over some hot topics and laugh over coffee. It’s possible. People used to do it all the time.
Don’t you remember?
This inability to disagree and still be closely bonded in our relationships is, quite literally, killing us more than any virus ever could. We are feeling isolated, defeated, hatred, animosity, anger, and it’s all justified.
But no matter what side of things you indignantly stand on, the need to be right over kind never got anybody anywhere.
So, if the state of things is just really getting to you and you hate that you feel so isolated and angry, call up a friend and talk to them — either on the phone or from a distance. Work out your issues. Resolve the tension. Make peace with the people you love before it eats away at you.
I promise you’ll be glad you did.
“He who loves transgression loves strife: and he that exalteth his gate seeketh destruction.”
Proverbs 17:19
by Amy | Jul 8, 2019 | mama confessions, Mom on the Fringe, struggle
This past weekend marked two weeks of being back on U.S. soil in the comfort of our own home and routine and daily activities, but I have to tell you something: I’m still struggling.
What am I struggling with exactly?
Well, everything.
For one, I haven’t managed to get back into my daily workout routine (which I so desperately crave and need). I typically wake up early (like it or not) and go to my 5am HIIT class Monday thru Thursday, so I can get it over with and enjoy the rest of my day. Normally, that 4:30am wake-up call feels natural and although I may, at times, be tired and not quite ready for it, I’m eager to get up and move. But since I returned from our trip, all I want to do is lie there in bed contemplating getting up but not actually doing it. Most days, I sleep right through the alarm.
In addition to being off with my workout routine, I just miss our beloved Austria, and being back in Texas feels like a slap in the face. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for all we have here, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still ache and yearn for our country and all the people in it that we left behind. I feel like the kid who comes in from the cold outside and won’t take his coat off and allow himself to relax and stay a while. I just want to stay in that place…in those memories just a while longer, and a big part of me never wants to take my coat off and stay.
Truthfully, I didn’t really have a plan in mind for this post. What I did not plan to do was lament, vent and whine about the fact that I’m back home and don’t wanna be. All I know is that my head is spinning and I needed to write. But more importantly, I need to get back into my routines again.
What I’ve found out throughout my life, but also again this year, in a big way, was that we thrive within routines. And whether we like them or not, we need routines to stay our course and continue on the path that leads us where we inevitably need to go.
Last year, in 2018, my word for the year was “Discipline”. I’ve written and talked on my podcast about this before, but I always felt like I lacked discipline to do the things I knew I needed to do, and that was something I knew I needed to change. And so, there I was, fumbling around, trying to learn the art of discipline and create the habits that I knew would benefit me in the long run. Those habits are arbitrary for anyone but me to know, but I do know that I felt happy when I began to incorporate them into my life each and every day, regardless of how I felt about doing them.
That said, I want to commit this second week of July to getting back into routines that help me stay sane and think and feel at my best and help my family feel healthier and happier too. There comes a time that, while we may think we want to coast through the days and weeks of summer without a routine, we desperately need expectation and a schedule that gives us a framework for our days and weeks ahead.
I’ll be sitting down today mapping that out and seeing what that looks like for us. I’m happy to share it with those of you who would like some help getting your summer schedule in place as well.
In any case, thanks for reading! I appreciate you and value your time. If you’re struggling with having a working summer schedule, just know you’re not alone!
xo, Amy
by Amy | Jul 2, 2019 | Mom on the Fringe, struggle
Am I the only one who struggles to feel peace and contentment in my own home?
Please tell me I am, because I don’t want anyone else to go through this struggle — at least not alone.
I wish I could say that this feeling of restlessness and discontentment began when we returned from our 6-week vacation in Europe. After all, it’s normal to feel slightly edgy and uncomfortable after being away from our space for a while, but then, once you’ve settled in, you feel happy to be back, right? Or not?
One could also chalk up this feeling to having to be responsible again. After all, when you’re living in an Airbnb, it’s not YOUR house that needs to be cleaned and cared for, so it’s different than being in your own home where things have to be done. If the chores don’t get done in a vacation home, it’s not the end of the world, because, well, it’s vacation! Who cares?! But when you’re home, the chores have to be done and things have to eventually feel good so you can be at your best and be able to relax in your environment. At least that’s my take.
But I believe there’s more to it than that.
To be honest, I’ve felt this way off and on since my second son was born in 2012. With my first child, I felt like I had a pretty good handle on the house and all the things that needed to be done around it. I wasn’t necessarily “on top of things,” but I was keeping it under control and felt pretty happy about the state of things around me. But quite literally, as soon as I had a second child, it was as if I had absolutely NO control over how the house looked or felt anymore. I had no time to keep it up and nothing ever seemed to get done.
As of 2019, we now have 3 children who are 10, 8 and 5. We are no longer in the baby phase of putting things up high and random swings and jumpers in the living room. We no longer need to have boxes of toys throughout the house or childproofed cabinets (actually, we never did the childproofing thing except for our outlets). But, somehow, my house still feels chaotic and unsettling to me, and I need to figure out why.
One major challenge we’ve had is that we’ve basically been living off of one income over the past 10 years, which has meant that we haven’t had the money to update the flooring or the kitchen counters or hire a landscaper to help us with our huge backyard. All the responsibility and DIY-ability has fallen on my husband and me, and we have underestimated, in many ways, our lack of time and resources to do those projects alone. While we’ve accomplished a lot, there’s still a huge to-do list that always looms in the back of our minds and feels like it weighs us down and keeps us from being able to be as mobile and free to do things as we would like to be.
While we were in Europe, however, the kids and I were staying in a one bedroom apartment a little outside the city center of Vienna. We had only our suitcases with clothes and backpacks with other necessities to get us by for the few weeks we were there. Other than those necessities, we didn’t have much space to store anything other than what we absolutely needed. Our space was so tight and limited that as soon as the kids forgot to put their shoes inside the shoe cabinet or I didn’t put away the dishes right after breakfast, the house started to feel unlivable and untidy, and it was obvious that we couldn’t move on to things we needed to do until that was taken care of. The good thing was, taking care of it was an easy and quick fix!
What I loved most about this was that those simple things like putting the shoes away or straightening up the towels in the bathroom or getting the dishes cleared away made all the difference in the way we felt in our surroundings and how I felt about the day ahead. I wasn’t bogged down with the feeling of, “I need to clean this place up before we can go anywhere,” because there wasn’t much to clean up.
At one point during our trip, I asked the kids if they missed any of our items we had left back home, and do you know what their answer was? Each and every one of my kids said they couldn’t think of anything they had left behind that they really missed — except for our dog! That’s right, Folks! They couldn’t think of ANYTHING! Not one thing!
Do you know what that means to me? All those years of me spending entire days going through their things and organizing their toys and books and memorabilia was just a big fat waste of time! You know why? Because none of it matters. You know what would have mattered MORE than me spending my time doing that? Yep, you guessed it…spending time WITH them! Or at the very least, spending time writing or singing or making art.
So, here I am…back home in the States in our spacious home in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. And do you know what I feel with all this stuff? Not only do I feel completely discontent, but I also feel completely overwhelmed. It plagues my mind…that idea of where it all should go and how I should organize it. I have this fantasy about someone coming in and just taking it all away so I don’t have to deal with it all, which may sound extreme, but I feel a little extreme right now. I’ve read Marie Kondo as well as other books and blogs on the topic of home organization and have worked long and hard both alone and with a good friend on trying to incorporate organizational strategies and ideas into my home. I’ve also seen my parents literally become buried alive in stuff that they are too overwhelmed to actually deal with, and have participated in a handful of rescue missions to try and absolve them of the task of dealing with it alone — all to little or no avail, might I add.
So you could say that this concept of living minimally runs deep. I absolutely LOVE stuff. Who doesn’t? And no, I’m not a big shopper who goes out to buy something every chance I get, but I do love walking into a room that is carefully and tastefully decorated to suit the people who live there. I love finding fun things to hang or display. I love it when my children bring home artwork and we try to find a nice place for it. I love having space to work and space to cook and space for my kids to roam freely. But do you know what I love more? I love freedom. I love the concept of never having to go through another drawer or closet or entire bedroom or garage again, because I don’t accumulate enough to have to do that. I love the idea of not being tied down to a home with a huge backyard to maintain so that I can travel and see the world and spend the time I want to spend with my family instead of lamenting about how chaotic my home feels.
I guess my question I asked at the beginning of this blog is still this: Am I the only one who struggles to feel peace and contentment in my own home? I used to think it was just my lack of organizational ability or I came by this defective gene of not being able to adequately organize my things or create *gemütlichkeit in my own home naturally. But now I whole-heartedly believe that it’s lifestyle related. I think I’m the type of person who just doesn’t do well with large spaces to organize, and no matter how much I might try to refute that and make lifestyle choices that suggest otherwise, I am happier with fewer things and more experiences.
What about you? Do you feel comfortable in your own space? What ideas or concepts have you discovered that make you feel this way? What areas in your life do you think you need to change in order for the space around you to feel comfortable and peaceful?
I’d love to hear from you!
*Gemütlichkeit (German pronunciation: [ɡəˈmyːtlɪçkaɪt] is a German word used to convey the idea of a state or feeling of warmth, friendliness, and good cheer. Other qualities encompassed by the term include coziness, peace of mind, and a sense of belonging and well-being.
by Amy | Jun 30, 2019 | mama confessions, Mom on the Fringe, travel
Boy, getting back to writing after a long hiatus is rough! I hadn’t planned to check out for this long, Friends. (I’m sorry!!!) It just happened when I found myself alone in a one-bedroom apartment in Vienna, Austria with my 3 kids for 3 1/2 weeks, and it didn’t get better once my husband arrived and we spent the remaining two weeks full speed ahead seeing friends and family and doing all the things we wanted to do before we left.
When we first arrived in Vienna, I had created a routine that worked well for me. I would sneak my laptop open and write before the kids woke up from their jetlagged stupor. But as the temperatures got warmer, and the kids began to acclimate to the time zone, it became more and more challenging to fit ANYTHING ELSE but eating, showering and corralling the kids into our full days of sightseeing and visiting friends. Also, as my kids became more familiar with our environment, my only goal became survival and noise control! #thestrugglewasreal #peaceforthewin
However, all that aside…I’m back! And I’m so excited to be able to write again in my own space back home. Kinda. However, that said, I should inform you that at this very moment, that includes sharing a living room with my 10-year old son who decided to wake up and immediately turn on The Amazing World of Gumball full blast. Why do cartoons have to be so loud?!?!?!?!?! Or why do my children feel the need to watch t.v. as if they are 89-year-old men who refuse to wear their hearing aids?!
But I digress…
I’m happy to say that our trip to Austria was glorious and wonderful and everything I imagined it would be. Sure, there were a few kinks in the road like my in-laws not being as warm or welcoming as we would have expected and needing my 3…THREEEEEE children to be as quiet, still and peaceful as possible every time we visited! #forthelove There was also unrelenting heat which made living with no air conditioning a real challenge for my little Texans. My kids also wore out much sooner during our outings than I thought they would have–especially considering ALLLLLL the energy they constantly seem to have otherwise. Regardless of any issues that will inevitably pop up during a 6-week excursion with children (and in-laws), it was a long overdue trip for sure, and we are already talking about how we can get back there again soon and change our lifestyle here in Texas to reflect our priorities and values of trying to do things like this more often.
The simple fact of the matter is we’ve accumulated too much stuff. We’ve settled in to our home here a little too much. We’ve adapted to the Texas way of life too much. But none of it really, if I’m being honest, reflects what we want, who we are, and what we’re about.
What our family is about boils down to a few things…two of which are:
- We are foreigners here. And while we love certain aspects of Texas and want to adapt to our surroundings as much as possible, it isn’t natural that we put down our roots here. Our human nature begs to put our roots down somewhere and settle in, for sure, but in doing so, we tend to lose the pull that beckons us back home and connects us to the people we have left behind. It divides us from our home. And that, for us, is a problem.
- We love to travel. But even more than that, we love to see and go and do. We’ve learned that about ourselves and our kids a million times over, but our lifestyle (and my homebody, neat freak nature) prohibits us from doing that as often as we should. As much as we think we love being home, keeping a tidy house (me!!), decorating our home (me!!!), planting a garden (me!!!) and maintaining what we have, what really gives us (me!!) the most joy is being around others and seeing and experiencing new things!
Isn’t it funny how that works? You can think that your priorities are totally aligned with the life you want for yourself and your family, but when you take a long, hard look at your life, while away from it for a few weeks, you realize that it misses the mark in reflecting your priorities and dreams for your family.
So, where do we go from here? How do we navigate this need for a different, simpler, low maintenance, carefree lifestyle that we so crave? How do we purposely not fall into the trap of Texas suburban living where accumulation of things and a “crazy busy”, always-hurried schedule reign supreme?
Do we have to accept the status quo and adopt the values and priorities of those around us?! Is it just an “adulting” part of life that we need to give up the very things that make us who we are and fill our hearts with joy so we can adapt and fit in and live out happy existences within our surroundings?
I don’t know how to figure all this out in one blog post, Folks, but I’m here to give it my solid 100 over the course of the next few weeks and months.
Right now, I’m definitely seeing with my very eyes, as I look all around my house, the need to be settled, organized and all comfy in our own space sharply contrasting in the most overwhelming way with the need to be free from it all, fully mobile and wild at heart.
I know this much is true (cue Spandau Ballet, sorry!): I recognized from the start that I was not cut out for the constant rat race of switching out decor every few weeks for a new holiday or season, over-scheduling ourselves in extracurricular commitments or opting to be home organizing and maintaining my space over cultivating deeper relationships and experiencing the world to its fullest. My husband and I, and now our kids, just GOTTA SEE THE WORLD!
And this, my friends, is the crux of my very existence. If I’m being honest, which I am, this is where my head space is about 95% of the time. It’s not a fun space to be in, per se, but at least our wonderful trip back to our roots in Austria showed me why I feel this way, and hopefully the months ahead will show me and my family what to do about it.
by Amy | May 26, 2019 | travel
I have had all these ideas swirling in my head about what I want to write, and then, of course, when I finally make myself sit down and start writing, my mind goes blank.
Does that ever happen to you?
Do you have ideas that you are so looking forward to sitting down and hashing out, only to find that, when you do, the ideas have somehow escaped you?
This is why I usually carry a pen and a notebook with me — so I can, at least, jot down the thoughts as they come and plan a fixed time to draw upon them later, when I have a moment to sit and reflect in silence. But lately, I’ve forgotten my habit of carrying my pen and notebook, and the result has been a bit of confusion and frustration as I try to think back to that moment when I was sitting on the U Bahn (subway car) or walking up the escalator and piece together what I was thinking.
Whether you have children, or whether you are traveling or just living your busy every day life, this practice of carrying a pen and notebook with you is especially important, because you just never know when the idea is going to hit you and when you’re going to be able to follow up with that idea again.
I have seriously sat at a restaurant or in church (sorry, Pastor!) and written the entire outline for a blog post and come home and written it with the exact flow and thoughts that were running through my head hours before because I took the time to do so.
So, today, my habits are going back to ones that serve me and my readers. I’m carrying my notebook again and hopefully, I’ll be able to remember what it was I wanted to say and be able to say it in a way that is clear and meaningful.
Tell me what your writing strategy is. I’d love to hear it!
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