by Amy | Oct 22, 2011 | mama confessions
I started taking a telecourse today called, A New Way of Being. Part of me feels it’s the wrong place/wrong time to take such a course, and the other part of me feels like it is just down my alley. I am, like many mothers of young children, finding very little space to carve out for myself nowadays. I know I need to do it. I know it would help me be a better Mommy. But, when I do have a few minutes of peace and quiet to myself, I find myself running around the house in circles like a mad woman trying to get things done — dishes put away, laundry folded, bathroom cleaned, dinner started — you name it!
by Amy | Oct 17, 2011 | mama confessions
Sleep. It’s something that is so taken for granted when you get enough of it, but it’s so coveted and obsessed about when you can’t seem to get any. I’m so grouchy and literally beside myself with sleep deprivation that I can’t seem to cope. My husband asked me if I was going crazy today, and I admittedly screamed, “YES!!! YES I AM!!! I AM TIRED AND HAVEN’T SLEPT IN DAYS!!!” The problem is, you expect to be sleep deprived when you have a newborn who wakes every 1-2 hours throughout the night wanting to nurse. You don’t, however, expect it when you have a five month old who wakes within seconds after putting him in his own bed and an almost three year old who wakes at least once a night if he is put to bed even ONE minute before 10pm. All I keep asking myself is, “What am I doing wrong?” But even if I were to figure that out, I don’t have the energy to correct it. I’m just sure that any attempts to change the current climate would fail miserably, and I would just end up back at square one within a couple of days…or hours…or minutes!
Right now as I write this, it is 9pm on Sunday evening. I’m typing this in front of the t.v. knowing full well that my attempts to express myself will be interrupted shortly by a cry for help from one room or another. Man, I took solitude for granted when I had it. I’m not complaining. Well, I guess maybe I am. Truth is, I love my life and love my kids. I have two of the sweetest little boys on the planet! But, they are a lot of work. I never knew how exhausting this gig would be. And yet, I never assumed it would be easy either. I definitely don’t want to be one of those mothers who goes around complaining about how tired or busy she is. It’s the gift (and curse) of motherhood. I just need to find a way to balance things and actually find a way to enjoy this wonderful life I now live with 1/3 less sleep than I’m used to. That’s possible, right? har har har
So, the other day I was talking about getting things done and finding the time or energy to do the things I want to do. Today was one of those days where I was just in survival mode. We woke up at 6:30am, I made coffee, threw the store bought sugary coffee cake on the table and attempted to put one foot in front of the other all day long. I never felt good. I never felt terrible. I was just and am just…there. I’m not enthused. I’m not jazzed. What does that mean, by the way? Jazzed. I’m not psyched either. I’m just breathing air and hoping that, one of these days, I will feel the way I’m supposed to feel — whatever that means. How am I supposed to feel, anyway? I can tell you how I do feel: tired, fat, unattractive, unfashionable, unorganized, tired, exhilarated, mean, grouchy, unsexual, fulfilled, grateful, bored, overwhelmed, fed up, out of touch with reality, the news, my own creativity, friends that I love to talk to and have I mentioned how grouchy I am?
The thing is, I have resources and I know I should be calling upon them right now to get through this weird but precious phase in my life. I’ve read The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal by Renee Peterson Trudeau and several other books on motherhood and finding serenity in the midst of it. I know it’s important to take time for yourself and reconnect with who you are and what you love. The problem I’m having is WHEN!@#!!!!!??????
Well, what did I tell ya? Duty calls…
and I was just getting started. Damn the system!
by Amy | Oct 14, 2011 | mama confessions
I wish I could get in the habit of doing the things I need to do on a regular basis. I know so many other people stick to habits every day — whether good or bad. I can’t seem to get my act together and get in the habit or routine of doing anything. I would love to work out. I would love to BLOG. I would love to plan our week’s meals. I would love to do our budget. I would love to organize my photos. I would love to do a lot of things that I can’t seem to find a way to do. But here’s the thing…WHY am I so hard on myself? I am a Mommy of 2 sweet little boys under the age of 3. Does anyone in my situation figure this out? And if so, who are they?? What are they like? Are they control freaks and anal retentive like me? Do they also vacuum the living room and kitchen come hell or high water because the dust balls and food remnants simply gross them out too much to “let it go”? What is it about me that desperately needs these things to be done and yet, I can’t ever find a way to do them?!
Today, I had an agenda. I’ve come to realize that my agenda rarely works out. However, today it could have worked out, but I just didn’t care enough to make it work out. Both boys napped for quite a while, and right now, both boys are asleep and it’s only 10pm! I have a list a mile long of things that need to be done: Laundry, organizing photos, budget, car cleaning, phone calls and emails that need to be made, etc…but the thing I’m slowly realizing is that that list NEVER ends. I could literally run myself ragged and I would still have things looming in the air that need to be done. I was even proud of myself today, because I was able to realize when I put Julian down for a nap this afternoon that Tate really needed me to spend some time with him. Normally, I would rush around and let him sit in front of the t.v. and feel guilty but still plug away at laundry or whatever else is on my to-do list. But today I said, “Let’s read a book or two” and we had the BEST time and laughed until Julian woke up. I thought to myself, “I need to do this more…” The problem is, if I do that every day, nothing will ever get done. The truth is, someone has to cook; someone has to clean up; someone has to do the laundry and so on. But I don’t want to wake up someday when my kids are 8 and 6 and both in school and think to myself, “You wasted those precious young years of their lives worrying about the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes, the stains on the counter and the stupid budget!”
aughhh…even now as I write this I’m uptight because I have this sinking feeling that I will lie my head down on the pillow and someone will wake me up as soon as I fall asleep.
The true curse of a mother is never having the feeling like anything is done. It’s true. I never would have imagined that to be the case, but it’s an awful feeling. And even if you do feel like you are on top of things, you will usually quickly realize you are not when something unexpected happens.
Today was a good day. Both boys were in a good mood. Julian turned 5 months old!! The weather was beautiful. I was able to clean the kitchen (somewhat). I cooked dinner and was able to vacuum the living room and kitchen. Don’t judge me! Laundry will have to wait til tomorrow (if then) and if I’m lucky, I might get a chance to finish my vacuuming frenzy and get all rooms done. Mopping should also happen this weekend, but I’m not going to hold my breath. I spent good quality time with my boys today. We went for a walk with Casi this morning, then went to the library for storytime. Tate got stamps on his hands for storytime and we checked out some cute Halloween library books and a tractor dvd. I took Julian’s 5 month pictures and some turned out really cute. I was able to play around with Quicken and get a little closer to actually keeping track of our finances. I may have one of my strollers sold as of Sunday and I got an appt to have Casi bathed tomorrow morning. A lot was accomplished today. It’s not what I would have accomplished without having to take care of two kids, but who am I kidding? Some of my days were less productive before I had children to unravel my folded laundry or spit up all over my freshly cleaned shirt. Maybe it’s that whole theory that when you’re under the gun, you get more done. I certainly think that’s true for me.
My point is, I will have plenty of time to have clean floors, adorable Halloween decorations, organize my photos and have a garden. Now is not that time. I have two amazing little boys who I get to have by my side for such a short time in life. I pray I can love on them more and find a way to strike a balance between taking care of the house and spending time with them.
by Amy | Oct 9, 2011 | mama confessions
Today was a good day. Thank God for such a good day! We slept in a little (til 8am), had scones and headed out to the farmer’s market. We got the chance to try out our new stroller (which the boys LOVE) and buy some organic veggies. We then headed back home, talked to Granny and Brumpa on Skype and were able to get some things done while having fun with the boys. We were all in a good mood. The boys were so much fun and so sweet all day. We had our typical ups and downs, but it all worked out because we rolled with it. The best part was that the boys were so pooped out that they both went to bed by 7:30pm. This NEVER happens!! We are lucky if they are both asleep by 10pm. So we put in a movie and caught up on all of our missed episodes of Modern Family and Private Practice, drank wine and sat on our computers. How romantic, huh? I think we are unable to grasp the concept of even starting something frivolous for fear that they will wake up. Hopefully, we’ll get over that someday. At any rate, it was good to do a little house cleaning on my computer and just sit back and chill for the first time in ages. I hope we don’t regret it at 3am when the boys are wide awake because they went to bed so early.
Regardless, today was a good day.
We also hit some major milestones:
- Julian ate cereal for the first time and loved it! He’s been grabbing at my plate and watching me eat, so I just attempted it and thought he may not like it. He had 3 little bowls of rice cereal before he started spitting it out. Yay!
- Julian slept in his own bed tonight. I have put him in his own bed many times for naps and started him out there at night a few times, but this is the first time he is actually sleeping by himself in his own room and his own crib! We’ll see when he wakes up and how long that lasts…(doesn’t hurt to dream)
- Tate is telling us that his diaper is wet/dirty and is asking to be changed. He also pottied on the big boy toilet without us even asking him to do so.
- Tate didn’t even attempt to take a nap today.
All of these milestones just go to prove that time goes by so quickly — esp. with kids. Just when you think the days are getting monotonous and ho-hum, they up and change things on us.
I miss my Grandma.
by Amy | Oct 7, 2011 | mama confessions
I don’t think I ever knew what the phrase “strung out” meant until I had children. I’m not even throwing a pity party here. I love being a Mommy! It is the most rewarding, beautiful experience I could have ever imagined. To see these little faces and be able to teach them and love on them — it’s truly the best!!! But, I’m SO tired! I can’t even begin to explain what this kind of tired feels like. I think the tired is exacerbated when you add sickness, family death, long trip to Kansas City in a small car and our wonderful children’s erratic sleeping habits. It’s just never-ending exhaustion that doesn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t even know if there is a tunnel. I’m too tired to get that analogy.
Well, that was a nice 2 minutes of writing before Mr. Baby just woke up to the sound of my typing. Geez! Why isn’t there melatonin for babies?
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