by Amy | May 22, 2012 | mama confessions
Over the past few weeks I’ve been struggling to figure out what it is that is stirring so strongly inside of me. My head is reeling with fragments of ideas and creative whims that I just can’t seem to shake, and yet, as luck would have it, I don’t have the chance (or the energy once I get the chance) to explore and find out what my intuitive side is trying to tell me. I’ve blogged and journaled and prayed many times about this crux – the feeling of needing to do something and the inability to actually do what it is I most crave. As a mother, I actually feel guilty for even having such whims. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I want to sit in parks and discuss the ins and outs of my children’s daily routines and eating preferences? Why can’t I be happy with seemingly endless days of playing with trucks, reminding my oldest to gently “roll the ball” rather than throw it with his very strong right arm, tickling the fat rolls on my baby’s legs and taking walks around the neighborhood with our dog leashed to the double stroller? Why do I have to have something else (as if I need MORE things to do) stirring inside of me?
Lately, my days seem to be spent trying to find that 5 or 10 minutes here and there to just get a moment alone to brainstorm, read something that inspires me or clear my head. My rational side tells me this is counterintuitive. I need to just accept that right now, I’m a Mom and I don’t get to have a life outside of that. Plus, even if I were that frivolous, when would I have the time to explore and expand upon all that my tired little brain is thinking up?
Earlier, before I had kids, I would have called my predicament something like “martyrdom”. I hated hearing women/men complain about something they had consciously chosen. I still don’t like hearing someone talk about something they have inevitably brought upon themselves. I’ve always hated hearing that people are “crazy busy” as if that were a bad thing. Aren’t they in charge of their schedules? I equally dislike hearing about someone’s job they hate or weight they can’t seem to lose or husband they can’t stand. We all have choices, right? You betcha!
I don’t think anyone who chooses to have kids consciously thinks, “OK…I will now have to put my life on hold for a few years and be completely content to not have any goals other than getting the laundry done, the dishes unloaded from the dishwasher, the food prepared for dinner and keeping the kids happy.” I think most of us think we can have it all. I certainly did. I certainly do. I just need to figure out how that’s accomplished. And I haven’t quite done that yet.
Right now I’m reading a book called “The Fire Starter Sessions.” Actually, I’m reading several books as I look over at my nightstand. I am also reading the book, “Raising Happiness” and some other book about scream-free parenting. ha! As you can see, I’m not reading any fantasy novels. Nope. No sir! I have to read books about how to be better at things than I already am. I need to read books that help give me a different perspective or a different way of doing things…a better way than I’m currently doing them. I’m a knowledge seeker. I get turned on by more information. The library and Barnes & Noble get me all hot and bothered. I can’t think of the last time I actually read something for pleasure. In fact, I think all of my books are resources. Gee…I need help. Good thing I have plenty of self-help books!
Well, the point of this post is that my head is spinning and I need to resolve whatever it is that is causing me to be unsettled. The irony in all of this is that I used to be able to take a hot bath, write in my journal, do some brainstorming exercises and read some helpful books to get these things out of my system, and now I have no time to bother with any of it.
My current MO is to delve deeper into being a loving wife and a caring, patient, kind mother, a great teacher to my kids, a kick ass cook of all things kid friendly and yummy and healthy, a good friend and sister and neighbor, and then, when I have half a brain in me and some extra seconds in my day, to jot down ideas or thoughts as they come to mind. If I try to be any more ambitious than that, I find myself spiraling down a steep slope of crazy.
Today, through my reading and some brainstorming (while both kiddos were asleep – all of 10 minutes), it became clear to me that what I want most in my life is authenticity. I don’t want perfection. I gave that up a long time ago. I don’t even want more than I already have. We are blessed with so much as it is! What I most want is for my life to reflect what it is I love most. I think it does for the most part. And I’m grateful for that. I don’t have the urge to keep up with anyone – especially the Jones’s. I don’t need for my house to be sparkling clean because it won’t be for many years to come. I don’t need more of anything. All I really want is to live in the present, able to embrace this fleeting moments, to act on my values and create and love and be ME. I don’t want to ever apologize for the person I am and what is important to me.
My mantra for this week: Be at peace where you are. Love the life that is yours and live it to the fullest.
by Amy | May 21, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Man, I’m hoping to start getting back to blogging soon…along with entering things in the kids’ baby books and journaling…oh, and working out and doing our family budget.
by Amy | May 14, 2012 | mama confessions
I am pooped, but I wanted to quickly get on here and wish everyone I know a very Happy Mother’s Day! Today was really special because it was also my son’s first birthday in addition to Mother’s Day. We had so much fun together, but I’m exhausted. Oh, and there he is…just woke up again!
Ugh…hope this is not one of those nights.
by Amy | May 13, 2012 | Julian
Dear Julian,
I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a very Happy 1st Birthday! Wow! I can’t believe you’re already 1 year old! Time flies so quickly. I remember vividly the day you were born. I went into the hospital around 6am on Friday, May 13th, 2011. I was given petocin to induce labor shortly thereafter, and you were born at 1:21pm. I barely had any labor as you came with only 3 pushes in 10 minutes. It was so quick! And you were so beautiful. You had lots of hair and were so alert and peaceful in my arms.
Though this year hasn’t been easy with two boys, it has been full of so much love and joy — more than I could ever have imagined. Your presence in our family is such a beautiful one. You are so sweet and funny, too. Your laugh is infectious. Your smile lights up a room. You have a charm in your eyes that just makes me stare at you in amazement.
From the time you were born, you always snort when you are upset and crying. It’s really funny, actually. That’s your trademark. As you’ve begun gooing and cooing, you have developed your own language which sounds a lot like yodeling. “Doodle…doodle…doodle…etc…” as you learn how to roll your tongue back along your top teeth. You say “Dada”, “Tate”, “do-do”, but you still haven’t managed “Momma”. Oh well, I’m not too hurt.
Today, on your 1st birthday, you took 2 steps on your own. You were so proud of yourself. You have been attempting to stand on your own for some time now and you are so close to walking. It’s just a matter of days. Uh oh! I better watch out! You are already into everything. Our lives are getting ready to change BIG time!
Yesterday, you had a birthday party with some of our friends and neighbors. You were so cute. We sang happy birthday and put the cake in front of you, and you were so hesitant and careful at first. Then, before we knew it, the cake was everywhere. You were so interested in that cake that everyone else had already eaten and gone back into the other room, and you were still sitting there long afterwards with your spoon still in hand.
Julian, I am so happy to be your Mom. I couldn’t have had a better Mother’s Day today and shared it with your birthday! We had the best time. You and Tate and Daddy went to church with me so I could teach the choir. Then we went to Home Slice Pizza where we had really good pizza and you and Tate played with dough balls. Then, we came home and everybody had a long nap. I can only hope that you both stay sound asleep all night tonight. I need a good night’s sleep — for once!
You are such a sweet little man. Keep smiling and lighting up our lives with your presence!
We love you so much!!!!
Mommy, Daddy, Tate and Casi
by Amy | May 8, 2012 | mama confessions
Well, I’m coming out. Out of the fog, that is. At least temporarily. Despite a few less than ideal mishaps with my oldest son today (potty training, temper tantrums, strange clingy-ness), we had a wonderful day that I always want to remember and look back on. We started out the day slowly with me cleaning out my purse. I know…please go on, right? Well, God only knows how long it’s been since I’ve taken the time to clean out my purse and throw things away and heavens, it needed it. While I was on that wild roll, I decided to go ahead and sort through our kitchen “inbox” filled with mail, papers, receipts, ads, coupons and random crap. This left me feeling a bit more on top of things and I was even able to make a list and actually fill out the paperwork for Tate’s preschool and get it in an envelope to mail (although I haven’t mailed it yet). On top of those amazingly interesting accomplishments (ha!) I was able to fill out an RSVP for my girlfriend’s wedding and actually put it in an envelope and stick it in my purse to mail. It was due at the beginning of April, but hey…whatevs! She knows I’m coming because I’m singing in it!
Hold on while I sip some tea.
OK…I’m back. Damn that’s good tea!
Well, I apologize (although not really) for the long hiatus. I haven’t meant to take such a long break from writing, but I just haven’t been able to pull myself together and organize my thoughts enough to write them down. Truthfully, I’m behind on EVERYTHING in my life. I just got done putting laundry away that has been folded and sitting in a basket in our room for nearly two weeks. When I started putting it away tonight, I realized that most of it is laundry that I had washed from our trip to Austria and we’ve been back from there almost a month! Is that even possible? Time flies! But, that is just how behind I am on things.
Speaking of time flying by, my little guy, Julian, is about to turn 1 this coming Sunday!! I can’t believe he’s already a year old. It doesn’t seem possible! Where did this year go?!! Well, I’ll tell you that I honestly don’t know, because I haven’t been in a clear, rested state of mind since he got here. I love that little guy, but he has given me a run for my money in the sleep department. I think this is why I’ve felt like I was in such a fog for so long! He’s doing better now and sleeping for longer stretches than he was for a while, but nights can still be rough with him which makes my days of trying to function really rough. Other than that, he’s such a sweet little guy. He is talking a lot and trying to walk and stand every chance he gets. It’s so amazing to watch their development.
So, back to the day we had. After I got all organized, I fed the kids and we headed out to run errands. First we went to get my car inspected and then we went to Walmart to pick up some birthday party items for Julian’s party on Saturday. Even though I knew they were tired, the boys did a great job and stuck it out til the very end. When we left Walmart, Julian immediately fell asleep in the car and I took Tate to get some ice cream. I parked the car and he sat in the back and ate his while I ate mine in the front. It was just our little time of eating ice cream together and it was so fun! He was super excited about a bicycle with training wheels that he saw at Walmart and rode through the store. And he was telling me about all the things he will ask Santa for. He was very chatty. But as soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, he too quickly fell asleep.
When we got home, I brought them in and put everything away and laid down myself. I rarely do that, but today it just felt like the right thing to do. I so needed that nap! When we all woke up, Tate had had an accident in his pants so we changed his outfit. It didn’t frustrate me. I just changed him. About twenty minutes later, I looked up at him and he was making a strange face like something was happening, and when I got to him, he had had another accident. I quickly took him to the bathroom, and again…I wasn’t too frustrated. Puzzled, yes. Frustrated, no. I was rested. I started making dinner while the boys played underneath me on the kitchen floor. Normally, that would bug me because I tend to get a little nervous when I try to prepare dinner — especially by that time of day when I’m tired. But tonight I wasn’t tired. I felt relaxed and the boys were relaxed too. As we were eating a thunderstorm began and we were able to hear the thunder and see lightening and go outside and feel the wind and rain coming through our neighborhood.
Anyway…I know I’m rambling. I guess I don’t have a point other than to say that I am grateful I had a day where I was able to rest and enjoy my kids with a clear, rested state of mind rather than a frazzled, tired, running on fumes state of mind…and, it felt really good! I don’t want to jinx myself by hoping for more nights where sleep isn’t a problem and days where we can leisurely nap, but I really do hope I can get that. Our family really needs rest.
Today made me realize all that I am capable of doing when I feel good. I can clean out my purse, throw junk mail away and sort through our basket of paper while playing with my kids on the floor and enjoying their little laughs and watching them play. I can get the car inspected and go to Walmart with a LIST! I can make a pizza from scratch with yummy ingredients. I can walk outside with my kids and enjoy the rain. I can put my kids to bed and still have enough juice leftover to put clothes away and pick up around the house…and perhaps even BLOG! I like this. I could get used to this. I hope that we’ve turned a new corner and that peaceful nights of sleep and restful days are in our future! Crazier things can happen. One can at least dream!
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