The Blahs

by Amy | Jul 27, 2012 | mama confessions

We’ve all heard of “The Blues”…but I would venture to say that “The Blahs” are perhaps a little worse.  The Blahs are ambiguous and meaningless.  There’s no reason to feel “blah”…and yet, I do.

Here’s what’s frustrating, to me, about The Blahs.  First of all, it makes me feel ungrateful for having down time and being home with my kids.  I have no right to be bored with life and yearning for more exciting days, do I?

Well, I’d love to make my first post in TWO weeks be about something upbeat, but my girlfriend challenged me to write honestly today.  And this is honest.

As I type this, I look outside my window and my husband is carrying my 14 month old on his shoulders and pushing a stroller with my 3 1/2 year old in it.  The dog is following closely behind them.  It is a beautiful, sunny, hot summer evening.  We just went out for dinner (because I was too blah to cook something).  It’s about time for the boys’ baths and bedtime.  We’ve had a relatively good day.  No major events.  No more throwing up (for now).

I guess I need to back up a bit.  Our family has been very sick over the past few days.  It started with my husband getting sick last Tuesday and it has lingered into this week with my baby still throwing up.  We haven’t really met any friends or gone anywhere for a solid WEEK!  The laundry has been washed and put away numerous times and the house continues to be in a perpetual cycle from toys everywhere to everything neat and tidy (because being home every second of every day means you have time to put things away).  I find myself obsessing, walking from room to room, saying “check” under my breath while I walk in and out of each room assessing the room’s state.  Then, I find myself going and checking my computer to see if anyone has written me, but chances are, no one has, so I end up going on Facebook to see if anyone else’s life is more exciting than mine.  This lasts until one of my kids inevitably hits or kicks or pushes the other one down, forcing me to get up and take care of the situation and return to checking rooms for untidy-ness.

Today was a particularly difficult day for me in the boredom and mundane department.  We still couldn’t meet anyone for a playdate, and I couldn’t hire someone to watch my kids because I didn’t want to take the risk of us infecting someone else with this stomach bug.  So, here we were…again.  We read books.  We sang.  We played.  They played while I cleaned the kitchen.  We watched some shows on PBS.  We went to the park.  We ate lunch.  I waited for them to take a nap.  I tried to get some things done on my computer.  One of them delayed going to sleep and kept asking me to get him something.  Then he fell asleep…finally.  I tried to get more done on my computer.  The other woke up.  I spent an hour trying to improve his mood.  The other one woke up after having peed all over himself and the couch while napping.  Cleaned him up.  Changed his clothes.  Cleaned up the couch.  Tried to occupy them both until their Dad came home.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I feel like I have to write a disclaimer every time I say anything less than extremely grateful or positive.  I love my kids and I love our days together.  I know I will look back one day and wish they were this small again.  I will remember these times fondly, because they are sweet times.  They truly are.  But, they are also damn hard times too.  And you know what nobody tells you?  These times test your sense of self.  They try your true identity.  And, I think I could get a loud AMEN when I say that they are often times VERY lonely.  It’s true.  If you don’t have a strong sense of self and don’t know who you are and don’t have a strong support network, these times, when your children are very young, are extremely challenging for most people.  Most days, you get by.  Other days, you barely survive and thank GOD when you can finally collapse on your sofa with a glass of wine and a piece of fine chocolate when it’s all over.  But days like today, you go through all the motions, because you know that you will do the same things tomorrow.  You will have the same routine where you will get the kids fed, dressed, deal with meltdowns, attempt to entertain and teach, attempt to do things you need to do, come to the realization that you won’t get much accomplished, feed the kids again, clean up poop, pee, spit up, throw up, snot, toys, wet sinks, dirty dishes, attempt to play with the kids, stretch the kids until Daddy comes home, cook dinner (or not), feed them, clean up dinner, give them baths, read them books, pray, kiss them good night and run through the house picking up toys again when it’s all over.

You cannot wipe the blank stare off your face.  It’s stuck there for today.  There’s no relief to the blahs other than to hopefully go to bed, sleep it off and wake up the next morning feeling like the tasks that lie ahead are new to the day and the challenges are ready to be taken on.  I pray the blahs go away with today.  Tomorrow is a new day!

Blessed and Beaming

by Amy | Jul 12, 2012 | mama confessions

Call it more sleep…call it summertime…call it coming out of the fog…no matter what you call it, it’s a good thing!  Many of you who have followed my (very irregular) string of posts have probably noticed that I’ve been rather dismal over the past few months due to the stress and strain that comes from being a Mommy to two boys…and especially to one in particular who hasn’t been sleeping very well since he was born.  In addition to that, though, I’ve also become rather dissatisfied with my work as a voice teacher and have been frantically scurrying to find a waynotto do it anymore.  Also, my parents have been going through a really difficult patch in their lives:  First, my Dad had a stroke and underwent surgery on his carotid arteries…then their financial problems went from bad to much much worse…and because of all of this, we haven’t really gotten to see them or spend time with them, and I’ve felt helpless and so sad for them.  That doesn’t even begin to touch on the fact that I lost my Grandma last September.  Man…what a wonderful, but tough year!

Over the past few months, in my (ha ha!) spare time, I’ve been brainstorming, reading books, reading blogs, journaling and PRAYING about what God has in store for me and my family.  Was I simply being a whiny, bratty baby who was throwing a temper tantrum because I was too tired?  Or was I really going through a crisis and needing to make some major life changes?

I hate to complain.  And more, I hate complainers.  Especially when that complainer is ME.  I am truthfully SO grateful and humbled by the wonderful people and opportunities in my life.  I, of all people, should not even think about complaining.  Or should I?

Biblically, we are taught to “be content in whatever state we’re in…”, but I have been less than content.  Something has been stirring with me, and I have been going crazy to figure out what it was.  Thankfully, I am now able to look at things from a broader perspective.  While I know that I should be content because God has given me all things, I also know that my need for change is healthy and normal too.  If we were never moved to change by discontentment, we’d forever be in the same place in our lives.  Boring.  And dismal.  So, I have made friends with discontentment.  It shouldn’t define me.  But, I can also embrace it.  And that, I have done.

So, I said all that to say…and by the way, there is no climax to this post.  This is truly just another rant…but a good one.  I said all that to say that I am finally starting to see a clear light at the end of my tunnel.  My tunnel was never dark, btw.  It was never dismal.  It was never desperate.  It was just lackluster.  It was also a very exhausting, draining tunnel.  Navigating days of activities, potty training, nursing, baby book editing (which never happened), cooking healthy meals, trying to save money on healthy food at the store, arranging play time, playdates, play activities, arranging me time, arranging ANY time — all on about 5 hours of interrupted sleep on a GOOD day.  That can get anyone down and make them feel a little discombobulated.  But the light has arrived.  My now toddler has gotten better at the sleep gig.  He is doing so much better.  There are still nights, like last night, when he was clingy and needy and restless and wakeful and ANNOYING, but those are becoming fewer and farther between.  And in the words of Johnny Nash:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

 It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.

To get to the point, I am SO so blessed.  I have always felt blessed, but right now, I feel extremely blessed.  I have such a wonderful husband.  He does so much for me and for our boys.  He is my rock.  He is the most selfless human being I know.  He always puts others’ needs before his own needs.  I love that about him!  Then, I have these wonderful, little, amazing creatures walking around in my house right now.  It’s so easy to think that they will always be this way, but I know from experience that they will not.  Things change in an instant.  They grow.  They change.  They stop saying words and sentences incorrectly.  They stop giggling from the belly and being curious about every little thing.  They get taller.  They lose that baby fat.  So, right now, I’m grateful for the sweet little cheeks…the constant noise…the babble…the fun.  It is so wonderful to be a Mommy.  It’s something you can never explain or put into words.  It is truly amazing!  Then, I have this plethora…and I mean AMAZING plethora of girlfriends who I LOVE.  They get me.  I get them.  They are there for me.  I am there for them.  While I’ve always had great friends throughout my life, I think it is only now that I realize the importance of these friendships which have evolved over time with me.  All of my friendships are truly unique and individual.  I don’t really and haven’t ever really belonged to a “group” of friends, per se.  My friends are all very different.  I could go on and on, but let’s just say I am so so incredibly humbled and grateful for them right now.

Unfortunately, there is much more than that to share, but I am going to refrain and get some things done instead.  I have just a little bit of time before the boys will be up from their naps and I need to make use of that time.

More later…