The Blahs
We’ve all heard of “The Blues”…but I would venture to say that “The Blahs” are perhaps a little worse. The Blahs are ambiguous and meaningless. There’s no reason to feel “blah”…and yet, I do.
Here’s what’s frustrating, to me, about The Blahs. First of all, it makes me feel ungrateful for having down time and being home with my kids. I have no right to be bored with life and yearning for more exciting days, do I?
Well, I’d love to make my first post in TWO weeks be about something upbeat, but my girlfriend challenged me to write honestly today. And this is honest.
As I type this, I look outside my window and my husband is carrying my 14 month old on his shoulders and pushing a stroller with my 3 1/2 year old in it. The dog is following closely behind them. It is a beautiful, sunny, hot summer evening. We just went out for dinner (because I was too blah to cook something). It’s about time for the boys’ baths and bedtime. We’ve had a relatively good day. No major events. No more throwing up (for now).
I guess I need to back up a bit. Our family has been very sick over the past few days. It started with my husband getting sick last Tuesday and it has lingered into this week with my baby still throwing up. We haven’t really met any friends or gone anywhere for a solid WEEK! The laundry has been washed and put away numerous times and the house continues to be in a perpetual cycle from toys everywhere to everything neat and tidy (because being home every second of every day means you have time to put things away). I find myself obsessing, walking from room to room, saying “check” under my breath while I walk in and out of each room assessing the room’s state. Then, I find myself going and checking my computer to see if anyone has written me, but chances are, no one has, so I end up going on Facebook to see if anyone else’s life is more exciting than mine. This lasts until one of my kids inevitably hits or kicks or pushes the other one down, forcing me to get up and take care of the situation and return to checking rooms for untidy-ness.
Today was a particularly difficult day for me in the boredom and mundane department. We still couldn’t meet anyone for a playdate, and I couldn’t hire someone to watch my kids because I didn’t want to take the risk of us infecting someone else with this stomach bug. So, here we were…again. We read books. We sang. We played. They played while I cleaned the kitchen. We watched some shows on PBS. We went to the park. We ate lunch. I waited for them to take a nap. I tried to get some things done on my computer. One of them delayed going to sleep and kept asking me to get him something. Then he fell asleep…finally. I tried to get more done on my computer. The other woke up. I spent an hour trying to improve his mood. The other one woke up after having peed all over himself and the couch while napping. Cleaned him up. Changed his clothes. Cleaned up the couch. Tried to occupy them both until their Dad came home. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I feel like I have to write a disclaimer every time I say anything less than extremely grateful or positive. I love my kids and I love our days together. I know I will look back one day and wish they were this small again. I will remember these times fondly, because they are sweet times. They truly are. But, they are also damn hard times too. And you know what nobody tells you? These times test your sense of self. They try your true identity. And, I think I could get a loud AMEN when I say that they are often times VERY lonely. It’s true. If you don’t have a strong sense of self and don’t know who you are and don’t have a strong support network, these times, when your children are very young, are extremely challenging for most people. Most days, you get by. Other days, you barely survive and thank GOD when you can finally collapse on your sofa with a glass of wine and a piece of fine chocolate when it’s all over. But days like today, you go through all the motions, because you know that you will do the same things tomorrow. You will have the same routine where you will get the kids fed, dressed, deal with meltdowns, attempt to entertain and teach, attempt to do things you need to do, come to the realization that you won’t get much accomplished, feed the kids again, clean up poop, pee, spit up, throw up, snot, toys, wet sinks, dirty dishes, attempt to play with the kids, stretch the kids until Daddy comes home, cook dinner (or not), feed them, clean up dinner, give them baths, read them books, pray, kiss them good night and run through the house picking up toys again when it’s all over.
You cannot wipe the blank stare off your face. It’s stuck there for today. There’s no relief to the blahs other than to hopefully go to bed, sleep it off and wake up the next morning feeling like the tasks that lie ahead are new to the day and the challenges are ready to be taken on. I pray the blahs go away with today. Tomorrow is a new day!
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