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Happy 4th Birthday, Tate!
Dear Tate,
As we wind down on the eve of your 4th birthday, I can’t help but get emotional. This time, just 4 short years ago, I was already checked in at Round Rock Medical Center and told to “get a good night’s rest because tomorrow will be a long day!” by the labor and delivery staff. Little did I know, I was in labor all night. As I constantly got up, the cables I was connected to kept coming off. The nurses were getting irritated at me because they kept losing my stats on the monitor. At 5am the nurse finally checked to see if I was dilated, and I was well on my way at 5 cm. She immediately ordered an epidural and called Thomas at home (since they sent him home to get rest) to come quickly. I slept a little while to recover from the all-nighter I had just pulled and awoke around 10am to start pushing. You were here at 11:19am. And how my life changed forever!
As I recall those moments in the hospital that day that forever changed our lives, I feel so close to that time — as if it just happened yesterday. But then I look at you, and I think of all we’ve been through in these four years, and I know that some amazing and precious time has passed since that day. You are much taller now. You speak complete, clear sentences. You no longer cry. Well, you don’t cry often :). You sleep through the night without any problems. You don’t drink out of a bottle anymore. And the hardest part for me is, you are no longer a baby! You are no longer a toddler even. You are a preschooler! How did that happen? You can dress yourself. You can go to the bathroom alone. You can, for the most part, fix your own drink and feed yourself. And all of these things will continue to get easier and easier for you as you grow older and older.
Tate, I am SO very proud of you. Actually, I don’t even think the word “proud” comes remotely close to the way I feel about you. You are part of me. You are part of your Dad. You are our world. You are so special to us. Words can’t describe the way we feel about you. Before you were here, we knew we would love you. I felt that special bond with you because you were inside of me. We knew that you would be awesome and change our lives forever. But what we didn’t know is how amazing you’d be. We didn’t know how sweet and affectionate you would be. We didn’t know how caring and loving you would be. And we, for sure, didn’t know how cute you would be! 😉
Tate, I love how you call cucumbers “koo-kuh-mumbers” and hamburgers “hannah-burgers”. I love how you just came to me (when you should be in bed) and hugged and kissed me and told me that I’m the “best Mommy in the world.” I love how you get excited about something and want to tell everyone you meet about it. I love how you smell. I love how you get a serious look on your face when I ask you if you need any more to eat or drink and you pucker your lip and say, “No thanks. I’m fine.” I love how you think of others and want to make sure your brother is taken care of or when you want to draw a picture or give something special to your friend. I love how you get excited about giving to others. I love how thoughtful you are and how easy you are to be around (most of the time). And even though you many times drive me nuts with this, I love how you are particular about what you wear and make a big deal out of it every day and always want to wear the most inappropriate clothing for the weather that day. I love how you need to be cleaned off immediately after you get your hands or face dirty. I love how you play with things and keep yourself occupied in your own imaginary world. Man, the list of things could go on and on. You are such a sweety and you are so unique!
Tate, last weekend we went through a very scary time with you. Shortly after I wrote my last post, I was awoken by your Dad holding you in his arms and crying for help. You had called him in your room to get up, and the two of you had gone into the living room to play with a puzzle on the floor. When he turned around to look at you, you suddenly began convulsing and having a major seizure. You couldn’t even utter a cry. You were shaking uncontrollably all over. He immediately came and got me and we called 911. The fire department came and then the paramedics. They looked at you and took your vitals and took you in the ambulance down to Dell Children’s Hospital. We went through countless hours waiting with you in the ER. They admitted you and ran MRIs and spinal taps and EEGs to determine what was wrong and what had caused the seizures. When they got the test results back from the MRI, they found swelling on the left side of your brain. They kept you for 3 more days to try and determine what was going on, but eventually sent us home with no real conclusive answers — only possibilities of what could be wrong. We are scheduled to go back in six weeks for another MRI to try and see if they can see more when the swelling has gone down and attempt to give us a diagnosis.
Tate, my heart is just heavy and so sad over this whole situation. I am trying to keep my faith strong and we are believing in God and his promises for your health and complete recovery. I pray that nothing is wrong when they take the MRI again and that this was all just a random event that will eventually go away and leave you unscathed. I pray that you wouldn’t even remember that it happened other than from us telling you about it someday. I pray that we never have to go through and witness you having another seizure like you had that day. It broke our hearts into a million irreparable pieces. I don’t think I’ll ever get over seeing you like that. It took my whole world and flipped it upside down. It shook us and made us question everything!
On a lighter note, I wanted to share how absolutely incredible you are and were over the past few days. You were brave. You were so strong and so peaceful throughout this whole horrifying, unexplainable event. You were, of course, irritated a couple of times with the IV and all the cables hooked up to you. And by the third day, you wanted your own clothes on and you wanted to go home. But you were a trooper. You were kind to the nurses. You were patient with us. You smiled when I know you didn’t feel like smiling and you made everyone around you feel at ease. You stayed strong and you were resilient. I love that about you as well.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for this precious, sweet boy, Tate, who you have blessed us so richly with. He is such an amazing little guy with such a big heart! He is funny. He is charming. He is as sharp as a whip and so so smart! He is extremely athletic for his age and plays soccer and basketball so well already! He is a good little singer with such a sweet voice. He is an artist who loves to draw and paint and color! He is a big helper who loves to bake and cook and go get things for Mommy. And most importantly, he is ours! We love him so very much Lord. Thank you for blessing our lives with his presence and sweet spirit in our household. We pray that you would protect him and keep him safe from all harm. We pray that you would help him to continue to grow in his love for you. We pray for complete healing and recovery for him Lord. Guide us and guide the doctors to better understand his condition and know how to help him. And mostly, give us peace during this time and put aside all fear and anxiety that we are battling with every second of every day.
In addition, Lord, thank you for all the wonderful people in Tate’s lives who care about him and are praying for him right now. We thank you for our wonderful friends and family who came to our aid during this time. We thank you for friends and neighbors who brought gifts and food to the hospital and at home. We thank you for friends who cared for our dog, Casi and Julian during this time. We thank you for the meals we are enjoying that not only help us out but warm our hearts as well.
Today, we give you our sweet Tate and pray that you would just hold him in your hands, Lord, and bless him.
In Jesus’ name we pray…Amen!
My Threatened World
Well, where do I begin?
Saturday morning at around 4:30am I was awoken and led to my laptop to write about the absolutely perfect day I had had with my two children the day before (READ HERE). I have been trying to get better about writing and recording those amazing, memorable moments more, because days go by and then weeks go by and then months go by and I realize that I can’t remember them like I want to. I, for sure, can’t remember what we may have eaten on any given day, what the kids wore or what specific activities we did, but most importantly, I forget about those very special, precious moments where we break out in laughter over a funny incident over lunch or we play together without a care in the world on the living room floor. Friday was a day I never wanted to forget. It was perfect and special for no reason other than the fact that we were together. There were no errands to run; there were no other people to meet up with; there was no alternate agenda on my day planner. It was just me and my boys…just hanging out. I wanted to have a record of that special day and share the details of it, so that I could put it in my treasure chest of memories from when my kids were little…or perhaps even to recall it when days weren’t so perfect. Little did I know that I was three hours away from one of the most imperfect, utterly terrifying and excruciating days in my entire life!
Only three hours later, at around 7:30am, my sweet, beautiful, little boy, Tate, woke up like any other morning and called out for my husband from his room. My husband went to get him before he woke anyone else up, and they went into the living room to play a puzzle on the floor. My husband noticed he had a runny nose, so he reached over to wipe his it. My son began to jerk his head back and convulse. My husband thought he was joking around and tried to get him to sit still. My son began to tilt his head back and lost all ability to speak. Then he began uttering sounds that made my husband quickly realize that something was seriously wrong. His lips began to smack uncontrollably. His eye lids began to twitch. His body began to shake and stiffen. My husband picked him up and carried him to me to get help. I immediately called 911 and raced through the house to gather our things as if I had been trained from above to know what to do. The paramedics arrived on the scene and by then, my son’s body had begun to relax a bit. He seemed confused and very quiet, but his shaking had stopped. The paramedics decided to go ahead and take him in the ambulance to Dell Children’s Hospital while I followed behind in the car with our younger son.
By the time I arrived at the ER, Tate was in the middle of what they now believe to have been another seizure. This time, the seizure seemed to be isolated on the right side of his body with his right arm jerking and right eye and right side of his mouth twitching. My husband and I were dumbfounded. Throughout all the questioning by doctors and nurses, we were struck by just how healthy and normal our precious boy had been throughout these first four years of his life. He had been sick only a handful of times and by all practical purposes, he was a very healthy, happy little boy with absolutely no reason for us to have ever imagined that he would go through something like this. It was out of the blue and completely unexplainable. Even the medical staff seemed puzzled as they gathered more information about his medical history. He had not recently had immunizations, he had not been sick with a high fever or worse, he had not fallen or done anything to cause trauma to his head that we were aware of. He was just waking up from a good night’s sleep and playing on the floor with his Daddy.
Over the course of four days in the hospital, they ran test after test to try and determine why our little boy suffered from these seizures. On the same day of his series of seizures, he could barely get out an audible word. They ran an EEG to determine his brain function and it came back fairly normal with no reason for them to think that he would have another seizure. The neurologist was quite confident that the MRI would also come back normal, and in my naive mind, I was thinking we’d get to go home within a few hours. Little did I know. They finally got him into an MRI around 5pm that same day, and after hours in the ER just waiting, being by his side and trying to make arrangements for my younger son to be taken care of, Tate was finally admitted to the hospital for an overnight stay. While we waited for the MRI test results to come back, they started him on anticonvulsants (one of the many words I had never used before Saturday) and kept a watchful eye to make sure that he was in stable condition. Communication with Tate was, at best, minimal. He was alert and aware, at some points even smiling, but he was not talking like he normally did.
Once the MRI results came back, the neurologist came to talk to us about the fact that Tate’s MRI showed swelling on the left side of his brain. My head still can’t get around this. I was prepared for them to tell us that he would need to be monitored, but I was not prepared for the MRI to come back irregular or cause anyone concern. Words like “tumor” and “stroke” were being thrown out as my head began to spin. How could this happen? What was going on with our boy?
Because of the swelling on the brain, the neurological team ordered more MRIs to be taken in order to get a better picture and attempt to rule out some serious possibilities. After his initial MRI on Saturday evening, he was then fully sedated again on Sunday for an MRA and spinal tap and then again on Monday for an MRV. After all this, it was finally determined that he did not have a stroke of any kind and he did not have one of the tested viral infections they look for. In order to take every precaution, they had immediately started him on two antibiotics and an antiviral, but they took him off all of that once the spinal tap came back negative.
As I write this, we are back home and back to our normal life. Over a week has passed since this horrible morning when the seizures began. There are still no answers as to what caused the seizures and what, if anything, could be behind the swelling. As of now, we are scheduled to have another MRI in six weeks. By then, I would imagine the swelling will have subsided and they will be able to get a clearer picture of what is going on. That is our hope, at least.
In the midst of this storm, we have had countless people praying for Tate and for us. We have been blessed by hospital visitors, gifts and meals prepared by those who care. I am so incredibly grateful for the love and support we have received. It has helped ease the fear and take our minds off of the situation at hand. Throughout this entire time, we have felt God’s hand on us and on Tate. We know that he is in control and we have relinquished our own control and anxiety over to him again and again.
Since our return home, Tate has been back to his lively, happy self. He has been playing with his toys, running, riding his scooter and laughing. He has been talking a mile a minute and for all practical purposes, he does not even look like he has been through anything. Truthfully, I think Thomas and I have been hit the hardest by this, and today, all I feel is devastation and exhaustion. In the back of our minds, we as mothers always know there is a possibility that something could happen to our children. We even try to prepare ourselves for it without becoming too paranoid or too worried. But when something does happen, it shakes us to the core and leaves a big hole in our hearts. Right now, there’s a hole where my security once was. Right now, there is an overwhelming, crippling fear that wasn’t there before. As strong and faithful as I want to be, I cannot lie and say that this hasn’t taken ahold of me. Regardless of the outcome of the follow-up MRI in six weeks, I will forever be changed by this occurrence. No matter how healthy my child is and how good his follow-up reports may be, I feel like I will forever be frightened about his well-being and perhaps wonder if we will ever have to go through the horror we went through a week ago.
There are no words that can explain this feeling as a parent. From the time a child is formed within your womb, you worry about his/her little body. You breathe a sigh of relief when you leave those OB visits with a good report. You smile with tears in your eyes as you hear a healthy, beating heart. When the child is finally born, you sit beside his bed at night making sure he’s breathing. You hesitate to sleep for fear that you might miss a plea for help. As time goes by, your confidence in your child’s well-being grows. You let go little by little and don’t need to be right beside your child, watching his every move anymore. You slowly began leaving him with friends or family to go out for dinner with your husband. You kiss him goodbye as he goes off to school. You allow him to play in another room or even outside by himself, because you know he’ll be OK. That initial fear you had when he was born his, for the most part, gone. You are confident that he is doing fine on his own — with or without your help.
This is where we were last week. We were confident in our son’s well-being. As I stated before, he had never had any health issues or causes for our concern. He was growing up and doing just fine! Then this happened on Saturday and changed everything. Now, I feel as if we’re back at that place we were in when he was only days old. We are keeping a watchful eye on him and worried about his every move. Our confidence has been shaken, and I honestly don’t know how to get it back.
Dear Lord,
You know our thoughts before we even think them. You know what is on our hearts without our being able to verbalize exactly how we feel. I am filled with grief today even though my son is happy and seemingly healthy. I am so scared by the what-ifs and thrown off guard by this chain of events that has literally flipped our world upside down. The day before this happened, I was relishing in the moment and enjoying just being with my two little boys. Now, just a little over a week later, I am completely thrown off and feel as though I don’t know what hit me. How does one bounce back from such a life-altering event? How does one handle the ever-present threat of something happening to her children?
This past week has taught me that there are no certainties in life. We can think we have healthy children, a stable job, a lasting marriage, good tires on our car, and in just moments, we can find ourselves on an ambulance heading to a children’s hospital, struggling with work, fighting with our spouses and getting a flat tire.
Help me, Lord, to cherish every moment and cast all of my care and fear on you. Help me not to be anxious and worried. Help me to learn from this and live my life to the fullest and glorify you. Help me not to be paralyzed by fear, but to live in you and your hope alone.
Amen
Fall 2012
It has been quite some time since I’ve posted on our family’s blog. I’m trying to get better about doing that and adding pictures and recording the boys’ milestones. Time is flying by!!
This year marks a lot of firsts for Tate. He went to preschool for his first time and LOVES it! He also started playing in a soccer league for the first time and his last game for the season is tomorrow! He has really enjoyed it. The kids he plays with are all really sweet and Coach Matt is awesome!
This fall was also a lot of fun spending time outdoors, going on playdates with friends and enjoying a little bit cooler weather. Notice I say “a little bit”. In Texas, there is really no difference between summer and autumn. Autumn is just more bearable.
At the end of September, we flew to Colorado to visit the Mathews family. Although it was very brief, we had a great time getting to see all the aunts, uncles and cousins. We also attended Oktoberfest in downtown Denver. The boys had the opportunity to wear their Lederhosen.
October has been quite a busy month with preschool, soccer, Mommy’s teaching and children’s choir, Daddy’s work and our increasing involvement in our church and community. We are enjoying everything we do, but the busy-ness makes the time fly even faster. This past weekend, we went to a nursing home to give the elderly folks some pumpkins and let them see us in our Halloween costumes.
This past week, we’ve just been getting ready for Halloween. Mommy made Halloween sugar cookies in the shape of bats, witches and pumpkins. It seems Mommy is the only one who enjoys the cookies : ) This evening, we went to a Fall Fest at our church where there were bouncy houses, huge slides and food. The kids enjoyed playing and wore themselves out. After we left, we quickly went home to do a little trick-or-treating before heading to bed. They were so tired they could barely walk! But we had fun!
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