by Amy | Aug 21, 2013 | mama confessions
This past week, I’ve been really hard on myself about the fact that I have been seemingly incapable of making such a simple decision about whether or not my sons, ages 4 1/2 and 2, would go to a 2 day/week preschool program they attended last year. This past summer has literally flown by, and here I was, at the door of “meet-the-teacher” day, filled-out paperwork and fees that were immediately due. It was somehow too much for me to digest and deal with, and although we had already paid the nonrefundable deposit for their spots to be held, I just couldn’t fully move forward with the commitment to send them there without some pretty major hesitations.
My husband and I have mulled over and discussed this decision at great length over the past couple months. He has felt from the get-go that our oldest really needs the interaction, as do I. However, the cost of preschool alone and the fact that this particular preschool is 25 minutes from our home are both huge deterrents that keep us from whole-heartedly plunging forward and committing to it. The other factor is that we are expecting our third baby at the end of December, and the thought of trekking out and picking them up with baby in tow just feels like an overwhelming task I’m not quite sure I want to undertake.
While I was sifting through all of my thoughts over the past couple days, I finally decided to reach out to one of my like-minded girlfriends and confide in her about how I was feeling and how mad at myself I was for not being able to make a cut-and-dry decision. She quickly responded, telling me she was in the same boat and she was really frustrated with herself for it. She and her husband just got back from adopting a baby from China, and she has 3 biological children she is trying to make decisions for in the midst of all the adjusting. Wow was I relieved!! It’s not that I wanted her to join me in being plagued by indecision, but I was relieved because I didn’t feel alone. In some weird way her indecision validated my own, and I felt joy knowing that this is a situation we all face. I wasn’t just being hormonal or petty or irrational. I was being human. And humans don’t always know exactly what to do.
This also made me realize how much pressure we put on ourselves as mothers. We want the very best for our children. From the time we find out we are pregnant (or adopting) a baby, we begin to think about things like names, pediatricians, bedding sets, car seats and baby furniture. Once the baby is born, we mull over vaccinations and feeding schedules. As the baby grows, we are consumed with food and sleeping and the right bottles and toys…what they should wear…and the best activities to do to help stimulate their brains. It should be no surprise when we find ourselves carefully contemplating where or if they will go to preschool and what other extracurricular activities they should be involved in. We want the very best for our children. We don’t want our decisions to impact them in a negative way. We want them to learn as much as they can and grow to be amazing human beings. Right?
Truth be told, I’m a little overwhelmed by all the decisions that need to be made with regard to raising a child in this day and age. It seems like it is so complicated nowadays. To me, a lot of parents seem to be obsessed with the need to keep their children as busy as possible and enroll them in the best programs money can buy. But what if you aren’t so prone to being busy? What if you can’t afford the best programs? What if you have children who aren’t necessarily interested in having a tight schedule that involves learning everything possible they need to learn to succeed…by the age of 4!? Where does this leave you? Where does it leave your children?
I don’t, even for a second, judge the intentions of other parents. All I know is what I personally feel. And right now I feel overwhelmed by it all. There is this looming cloud overhead that tells me I need to make the best decision possible, and my head is spinning out of control trying to figure out what that is. I just don’t know. Isn’t that acceptable? Sure, I can’t go on not knowing forever. There comes a time when we need to be proactive and take steps forward regardless of how we feel. But I can’t ignore all the feelings that keep me from making a clear-cut decision, and I’ve always tried to live by the motto, “If in doubt, don’t.” Well, I’m in doubt. And the main doubt has to do with my pocketbook. I think my kids will survive and will be just fine if we don’t send them to preschool this year…this month…in two weeks. I think I will too. No matter what.
If you are a Mom like me and sometimes plagued with indecision, you are not alone. We all deal with it. We all struggle with the pressure we put on ourselves to make the best decisions possible for our families. I want to encourage you today, like I was encouraged by my friend’s email. Be gentle with yourself. Things will fall into place and be clear when it really matters. If in doubt, don’t. Let go of the guilt and the need to do everything perfectly. Your kids will be fine. And so will you.
Peace Out!
by Amy | Aug 8, 2013 | confessional, Uncategorized
OK, I’ve been really bad about blogging…on here…on my Mommy Blog…and everywhere else. I want to get better. I feel like I’m missing precious opportunities doing other meaningless things, so I’ve just GOT to get it together.
This morning (2:10am) I want to make it brief because I’m dog tired. So tired I can’t even think straight. But, I need to write this, and I need to give it to God.
Today we almost lost Tate…and when I say “almost lost” I am not casually saying I almost lost him in Walmart. We almost lost him forever. Oh to even WRITE those words sends chills down my spine and waters up my eyes. We were at a friend’s neighborhood pool. We had just arrived and I had already slathered sunscreen on both boys. We had talked in the car about how both boys were going to IMMEDIATELY put on their water wings before we went into the pool. We got there and I put everything on Julian while Tate ran off. At her awesome pool, there is an area that is JUST a splash pad, so he was over there checking that out. Then they have an area that is just a little baby pool. He went over there. Then one of the big pools is a zero entry pool that only goes to 4′ (or so I thought), so I wasn’t too worried since he’s a little over 4′, but I still wanted him to get those water wings on. He didn’t listen. I tried to relax a bit because he has been improving as a really good little swimmer this summer (despite my ability to get them in formal swimming lessons) and he’s been really confident. There was hardly anyone at the pool either, so I knew where he was at all times.
My girlfriend and I sat down at a little table so she could finish her lunch and were catching up. It had been ages since we last saw each other! I was telling her how much easier it’s been this summer taking the boys to the pool and how much more relaxed I had become because they were both such good swimmers and then I turned around and saw him out in the distance. He had crept into the deeper part of the pool (4’4″) without my noticing, and he couldn’t keep his head above water. FEAR! PANIC! RUN! I hadn’t even had the chance to take off my cover-up yet, so I ran out into the water and threw it off (into the water) and swam out to get him. Fortunately, I didn’t have to go too far, but he had already been bobbing and unable to breathe for much longer than he can normally hold his breath. I pulled him up into my arms and patted him on the back several times really hard. He was struggling to get that first breath again and gasping for air. I patted him a few more times and he eventually gasped and took that first breath and burped and coughed. Oh Lord, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for saving his little life!! I carried him back to the table where we were sitting and he coughed a few more times and as I held him closely, I could feel his little heart beating outside of his chest. Mine was too.
Oh Dear God, there are no words. I know this will probably not be the last time I come face-to-face with a close encounter that turns our world upside down. I just hope and pray I don’t ever have to experience something that horrific again. I would die if something happened to my kids. I would never forgive myself. We’ve already had a rough year dealing with all of his medical issues and feeling like we’re swimming upstream trying to solve that mystery. That turned our world upside down and inside out back in November 2012. But to actually lose one of our children to an unnecessary accident? Nope. I couldn’t live through that. I won’t.
So this “little” ordeal hopefully taught us all a lesson or two. It taught me that I can’t ever ever ever RELAX again or assume he knows what he’s doing when he refuses to do what I ask him to do and take all safety precautions. It hopefully taught him to listen to me and have a little fear where water is concerned. I don’t want him to fear water, but I want him to not have false confidence that he’ll be OK in the water without his gear or knowing how to swim first. That reminds me — I’ve gotta call that swim instructor and get them set up!!!
Already in just a few short years, I’m learning more and more that parenting is such hard work. I’m blessed that we have had second chances in situations like today. Some people don’t get a second chance or a do-over. Today could have changed our lives forever. I shutter to think that I could have lost our sweet, precious little Tate. He and Julian are everything to us. I also realize how quickly and easily we go from a life-threatening situation like this that stops our world in its tracks and we move past it and forget about it within a day or two. Life goes on as usual. That is such an odd feature in the human brain. But I don’t want to ever forget this. I want to take this life lesson, this opportunity, this near-death experience to take a step back and reevaluate what is important. I want to provide every measure for my kids to learn safety and be informed and prepared for as much as they possibly can. And I want to treasure all of these moments with them. They are so precious. They are so few.
Not only that, but these little ones depend solely on us for their survival. What a huge responsibility we have as parents. It is my responsibility to teach them how to listen to me. They can’t go around thinking that there won’t be severe consequences for not actively listening and following directions. This has been such a challenging stage with Tate especially in this regard. He does not listen to us nearly as often as he should. Sometimes we get really angry and make him listen. Other times we let it go because we feel like we are harping and ranting and nagging. And let’s face it, sometimes it’s just too damn hard to make your kids do something against their will. Sometimes it’s just easier to say, “Oh well…” and second-guess ourselves and think that what we are asking them to do is not that important anyway. NEWSFLASH: When they are this age, EVERYTHING we ask them to do is important because it’s teaching them that very very basic, fundamental skill of listening and obeying us. They have to learn it. It’s imperative that they learn it. If we don’t take ourselves seriously, they won’t take us seriously.
So yeah…I want this to stick. I want this to enforce change in our household starting…now.
Thank you, Dear Lord, for sparing my precious son’s life today. He is currently in his bed asleep, and he is breathing, and I’m so grateful for his breath. I’m so grateful he was smart enough to bob up and down and try to swim until I got there. I’m so hopeful that this taught him a valuable lesson. But I’m even more hopeful that this taught me a valuable lesson. What I say, ask, require of my children is important. But it’s only important if I make it important. I can’t let up. I can’t let go. I can’t give them wiggle room to disobey me or not listen to what I’m saying. They have to realize how important it is to listen and obey. It could save their lives. Lord, thank you for giving us a second chance today. Thank you for causing me to see some things that I need to change. Thank you for these precious, little lives you’ve trusted me with. Armor us as parents and help us to be strong and alert and not weary so that we can continue and press on toward this challenge of taking care of our children.
In Jesus’ Name I Pray…Amen.
by Amy | Aug 1, 2013 | confessional
I’m really struggling this morning. And you know what? I’m sick of the word “struggling” being part of my vocabulary. We all struggle, don’t we? So I don’t want to give myself an out by saying that I’m struggling, but the truth is–I am.
My back has been killing me these last 2 days and I have been having a really hard time sleeping. I think it feels much better today than it did yesterday, but it is still really painful. If that were all, I think I could probably handle it. But when I’m out of commission for any reason, everything else seems to fall apart. Thomas has had to take on the kids and even stayed home from work yesterday to help out, but he also had to work from home, so this caused a lot of tension in our household. It’s just very easy to get used to things being done in a certain way, and the kids have certain expectations about what we are going to do from day to day. It’s challenging when those expectations are met with disappointment because Mommy is a lame duck and can’t do anything.
Yesterday, by 6pm, they were stir crazy. We all were. I could barely walk. Thomas was trying hard to get work done. And the boys desperately wanted to go to the pool. I felt bad all day that I couldn’t do anything with them. If I could have taken them on my own, I would have done that in a heartbeat. But I could barely move. Thomas was feeling the pressure of their constant requests and kept prolonging the situation by holding them off and trying to get more work done. What ended up happening is he made some big mistakes because he couldn’t focus his attention solely on what he was trying to do and it cost him dearly. I was so angry at him for even attempting to work when I was in such dire straits. And he was so angry and stressed about all the responsibility being placed on him and all he still needed to do workwise. It was a perfect storm. There were a few yells and screams and stomps and toy trips that led to toy kicks (on our part) followed by frustration and tension and more yelling (by the kids). Thankfully, we ended up finally getting out of the house and went to the pool all in one piece. We actually ended up having a pretty good time. And the kids wore themselves out, so that was good. I just hate that it had to come to yelling and screaming and extreme tension in our household for us to take a step back and realize what is really important. I wish we could just be more prepared for things like this and have a system in place. These are the times you really feel alone in the world. There was really no one we could call upon and say, “hey…you know what? We’re spent…we’re over the edge…can you come and get the kids so we can sort this out and have a break?!” Nope…it was just us. In a way, I’m really glad we don’t have the option of relying on anyone else. Maybe we’d take the easy road too often if we knew we could. It is so hard raising a family and keeping everything together – esp. when they are young and so needy.
Yesterday, while we were at the pool, I was sitting there noticing several families. One woman was lounging on a lounge chair sipping something from her huge thermal cup. She seemed pretty content. She seemed pretty relaxed. “When will that be me?” I thought. But then I looked over at my little ones jumping around with their huge water wings and life vests on just squealing with glee to be thrown up in the air in the pool, and I thought, “But I’ll really miss this.” It’s true. I will really miss their ages right now and this sweet stage of our lives when they are little, so cute and so utterly dependent on us as their providers and protectors. I love my kids, and I don’t really ever want them to grow up. Deep down, I really just wish there was some way to meld the two scenarios together: Getting to have sweet, precious little kids running around the house and having built-in breaks for sanity and reflection from time to time. I guess it would be possible if we’d plan it and make it a priority. I think we just get so caught up in what has to be done that we don’t take time for ourselves like we need to.
That’s just it. We get caught up. We get lost in the jolting, spinning winds of this tornado of life we live in. I’ve never actually experienced a real live tornado, but I sometimes feel the metaphor is all too accurate when you have small children. There are moments (while they are sleeping) when peace is all around. There appears to be an abundance of space and time and logical reasoning. In your heart of hearts you actually believe that you have control during these short, precious moments, and you ponder why you don’t do more in your life and get more done throughout your day. Questions actually come to my mind like, “Why don’t I have a better handle on things? This isn’t so bad. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get it together?? Get a grip, Amy!!!” Then they wake up. The order I once imagined and the day that I had planned so thoughtfully in my mind gets caught up in the spinning dust of this frantically moving whirlwind they single-handedly create. They twirl through the house leaving nothing untouched in their paths. They instantly wake up with needs that never seem to go away as long as their eyes are open. They are loud. They are demanding. They have expectations. They have very specific needs that must be met…or else. By 5pm almost every day, I look around me and think to myself (and sometimes outloud), “What in the just happened here?” I had planned to do this or that. I had hoped to enjoy our day and get a few things done that actually need to be done. And yet, all plans I had previously had eluded me as the day went on. The whirlwind grew stronger and I grew weaker and more fragile. How did this happen?!
So here I am. I’m struggling. My lower back is a wreck. My house is a mess. And I don’t just mean my house as in these physical four walls I live in. When I say my house, I’m referring to everything in my life…my home – my ability to get my kitchen in order and have what I need on hand for lunches and dinner; our family budget; the boys’ clothes cleaned out and sorted (so I know what fits and what doesn’t); the pictures that need to be taken down or hung; the friends who need to be called back; the emails that need to be returned; the bills that need to be paid; the memories that need to be captured; the people I want to serve; the devotions I want to have; the blog posts I want to write. You get the picture. Everything is out of whack when we don’t have time to focus and get things done every now and then. And for me, right now everything is out of whack. I want to be organized. I want to be focused. I want to be on the ball and have things under control more than EVER! But somehow, this all eludes me. It just doesn’t ever seem to happen – unless I burn extreme midnight oil and then I’m an even bigger wreck than I was before.
So what gives? Who has this figured out? I’ve always enjoyed reading biographies about people who are successful at whatever they accomplished. I’d love to read about a Mother of 2 boys who was successful at keeping her crap together. I’m serious. Where is she? I need her formula! I’m dyin’ over here! I’m desperate for some answers and some foolproof strategies. I’m desperate for a system that allows me to enjoy these precious pups and not feel like the world is collapsing in utter shambles all around me while I’m left here with the daunting task of “enjoying every moment…because it goes by so fast!”
If you know this woman, send her my way. We need to talk.
Dear Lord,
Please forgive me for trying to do everything in and of my own physical strength. I am trying so hard. Who isn’t? I want the very best for my children, but I feel like I can’t give them the very best until I have had some time to get well again and get some things in order. Not just silly things. But really necessary things. Help me get through this time and not just endure but really enjoy and soak up this special, precious season of life. Help me to find some space and time in my day (like I did this morning by getting up at 4:51am) without being a total wreck from sleep deprivation. Help me to make things simpler in my life; to get things streamlined so that it doesn’t take so much mental/physical effort to accomplish the mundane tasks. Forgive me for my lack of consistency and discipline. If I woke up every morning early there’s no end to the things I could accomplish. If I did little things here and there on an every day basis, I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed. Help me with that, Lord.
Thank you for being my strength and my shield. Thank you for loving me even when I’m unlovable. Thank you for allowing me moments of joy even when my face and my inner being feels like scowling.
Grant us peace today, Lord. Grant us rest.
Amen
Recent Comments