seeking refuge in midst of tiny tornados
I’m really struggling this morning. And you know what? I’m sick of the word “struggling” being part of my vocabulary. We all struggle, don’t we? So I don’t want to give myself an out by saying that I’m struggling, but the truth is–I am.
My back has been killing me these last 2 days and I have been having a really hard time sleeping. I think it feels much better today than it did yesterday, but it is still really painful. If that were all, I think I could probably handle it. But when I’m out of commission for any reason, everything else seems to fall apart. Thomas has had to take on the kids and even stayed home from work yesterday to help out, but he also had to work from home, so this caused a lot of tension in our household. It’s just very easy to get used to things being done in a certain way, and the kids have certain expectations about what we are going to do from day to day. It’s challenging when those expectations are met with disappointment because Mommy is a lame duck and can’t do anything.
Yesterday, by 6pm, they were stir crazy. We all were. I could barely walk. Thomas was trying hard to get work done. And the boys desperately wanted to go to the pool. I felt bad all day that I couldn’t do anything with them. If I could have taken them on my own, I would have done that in a heartbeat. But I could barely move. Thomas was feeling the pressure of their constant requests and kept prolonging the situation by holding them off and trying to get more work done. What ended up happening is he made some big mistakes because he couldn’t focus his attention solely on what he was trying to do and it cost him dearly. I was so angry at him for even attempting to work when I was in such dire straits. And he was so angry and stressed about all the responsibility being placed on him and all he still needed to do workwise. It was a perfect storm. There were a few yells and screams and stomps and toy trips that led to toy kicks (on our part) followed by frustration and tension and more yelling (by the kids). Thankfully, we ended up finally getting out of the house and went to the pool all in one piece. We actually ended up having a pretty good time. And the kids wore themselves out, so that was good. I just hate that it had to come to yelling and screaming and extreme tension in our household for us to take a step back and realize what is really important. I wish we could just be more prepared for things like this and have a system in place. These are the times you really feel alone in the world. There was really no one we could call upon and say, “hey…you know what? We’re spent…we’re over the edge…can you come and get the kids so we can sort this out and have a break?!” Nope…it was just us. In a way, I’m really glad we don’t have the option of relying on anyone else. Maybe we’d take the easy road too often if we knew we could. It is so hard raising a family and keeping everything together – esp. when they are young and so needy.
Yesterday, while we were at the pool, I was sitting there noticing several families. One woman was lounging on a lounge chair sipping something from her huge thermal cup. She seemed pretty content. She seemed pretty relaxed. “When will that be me?” I thought. But then I looked over at my little ones jumping around with their huge water wings and life vests on just squealing with glee to be thrown up in the air in the pool, and I thought, “But I’ll really miss this.” It’s true. I will really miss their ages right now and this sweet stage of our lives when they are little, so cute and so utterly dependent on us as their providers and protectors. I love my kids, and I don’t really ever want them to grow up. Deep down, I really just wish there was some way to meld the two scenarios together: Getting to have sweet, precious little kids running around the house and having built-in breaks for sanity and reflection from time to time. I guess it would be possible if we’d plan it and make it a priority. I think we just get so caught up in what has to be done that we don’t take time for ourselves like we need to.
That’s just it. We get caught up. We get lost in the jolting, spinning winds of this tornado of life we live in. I’ve never actually experienced a real live tornado, but I sometimes feel the metaphor is all too accurate when you have small children. There are moments (while they are sleeping) when peace is all around. There appears to be an abundance of space and time and logical reasoning. In your heart of hearts you actually believe that you have control during these short, precious moments, and you ponder why you don’t do more in your life and get more done throughout your day. Questions actually come to my mind like, “Why don’t I have a better handle on things? This isn’t so bad. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get it together?? Get a grip, Amy!!!” Then they wake up. The order I once imagined and the day that I had planned so thoughtfully in my mind gets caught up in the spinning dust of this frantically moving whirlwind they single-handedly create. They twirl through the house leaving nothing untouched in their paths. They instantly wake up with needs that never seem to go away as long as their eyes are open. They are loud. They are demanding. They have expectations. They have very specific needs that must be met…or else. By 5pm almost every day, I look around me and think to myself (and sometimes outloud), “What in the just happened here?” I had planned to do this or that. I had hoped to enjoy our day and get a few things done that actually need to be done. And yet, all plans I had previously had eluded me as the day went on. The whirlwind grew stronger and I grew weaker and more fragile. How did this happen?!
So here I am. I’m struggling. My lower back is a wreck. My house is a mess. And I don’t just mean my house as in these physical four walls I live in. When I say my house, I’m referring to everything in my life…my home – my ability to get my kitchen in order and have what I need on hand for lunches and dinner; our family budget; the boys’ clothes cleaned out and sorted (so I know what fits and what doesn’t); the pictures that need to be taken down or hung; the friends who need to be called back; the emails that need to be returned; the bills that need to be paid; the memories that need to be captured; the people I want to serve; the devotions I want to have; the blog posts I want to write. You get the picture. Everything is out of whack when we don’t have time to focus and get things done every now and then. And for me, right now everything is out of whack. I want to be organized. I want to be focused. I want to be on the ball and have things under control more than EVER! But somehow, this all eludes me. It just doesn’t ever seem to happen – unless I burn extreme midnight oil and then I’m an even bigger wreck than I was before.
So what gives? Who has this figured out? I’ve always enjoyed reading biographies about people who are successful at whatever they accomplished. I’d love to read about a Mother of 2 boys who was successful at keeping her crap together. I’m serious. Where is she? I need her formula! I’m dyin’ over here! I’m desperate for some answers and some foolproof strategies. I’m desperate for a system that allows me to enjoy these precious pups and not feel like the world is collapsing in utter shambles all around me while I’m left here with the daunting task of “enjoying every moment…because it goes by so fast!”
If you know this woman, send her my way. We need to talk.
Dear Lord,
Please forgive me for trying to do everything in and of my own physical strength. I am trying so hard. Who isn’t? I want the very best for my children, but I feel like I can’t give them the very best until I have had some time to get well again and get some things in order. Not just silly things. But really necessary things. Help me get through this time and not just endure but really enjoy and soak up this special, precious season of life. Help me to find some space and time in my day (like I did this morning by getting up at 4:51am) without being a total wreck from sleep deprivation. Help me to make things simpler in my life; to get things streamlined so that it doesn’t take so much mental/physical effort to accomplish the mundane tasks. Forgive me for my lack of consistency and discipline. If I woke up every morning early there’s no end to the things I could accomplish. If I did little things here and there on an every day basis, I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed. Help me with that, Lord.
Thank you for being my strength and my shield. Thank you for loving me even when I’m unlovable. Thank you for allowing me moments of joy even when my face and my inner being feels like scowling.
Grant us peace today, Lord. Grant us rest.
Amen
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