This post was half-written yesterday and never finished and published, but I think it’s relevant and I’d like to go ahead and postdate it and publish it today:
Since I can remember, I have always kept a prayer journal. I have a hard time focusing on praying and remembering everything I want to say, so writing has always been my method of choice for communicating, writing down my thoughts, making lists, etc… I love to write! It’s also nice, because I can go back to the prayers I’ve written and see answers to those prayers. Sometimes the prayers are merely an outpouring of my inner thoughts and sometimes they are desperate pleas for peace about difficult decisions or something in my life that needs to be sorted through or filtered out.
I don’t normally include my prayers on this blog, but today I desperately need to pray, and I think this will be my only opportunity.
Mind you, while I attempt to type this, I have a 10 month old pulling at the screen on my laptop and a 3-year-old jumping around me trying to get my attention. Today, I’m literally fighting for a chance to pray and I’m losing.
So here goes…quickly:
Dear Lord,
I am losing it! (ha) I so desperately want some time to myself and it was working out for a little while. I could take the boys and drop them off at the childcare place at the gym or I would sneak away for an hour while Thomas was still home and do something on my own. But now, for some reason, my child won’t stay in the child care and Thomas has meetings in the morning and can’t stick around to watch them. I’ve tried hiring sitters and taking some control back in my life by having some help. The problem is, if the sitter is here and I am here, the kids know where to find me. If I leave, I inevitably end up driving around and wasting this precious time I’m paying someone for. Anyone who tells you that finding help with small children is easy either hasn’t done it before or has wonderful parents close-by to help them on a whim. We have neither of our parents here in Austin, so finding good help and being able to afford for them to come on a regular basis is a tricky thing. It’s also hard to have help come to your house — esp. if you want to get anything done IN the house while they are there.
As I type this, I hear my husband freaking out because he has to hurry up and get ready. But, if I don’t type this, I risk having a prayer left undone. I need this prayer. I need this moment. So, am I selfish for needing this?
I don’t think I’m selfish, but everyone around me seems to think so. The kids give me this longing and desperate look that says, “You’re selfish” when I walk into another room or leave for a few minutes to do something that every person who isn’t imprisoned is entitled to — like, for instance, a shower…or a chance to pee without feeling rushed because the world might fall apart and children might accidentally choke or kill each other while you take that precious 25 seconds to run to the bathroom. My husband unknowingly says, “You’re selfish” when he complains about how long I was gone and how much he needs to get done. So what gives? How does one strike a balance??? Are mothers merely supposed to be unselfish and die quietly to themselves and everything they want and need out of life to raise happy, healthy children and keep a peaceful household?
I know that, for generations upon generations, mothers have always sacrificed themselves to raise their families. Many women have done this without complaint or any thought given to what they were giving up. I’m not like that. Does that make me selfish? I don’t want to be. I don’t want my kids or my husband thinking that I’m always putting myself first. But, I need oxygen sometimes. I need to be able to think clearly and do things that make me feel fulfilled outside of being a mother. What are those things? Hmmm…I don’t know. I’m a creative being, so I like to be able to create things and contemplate new ideas. That charges me positively.
Anyway, Lord…I pray that you would just help me to find some time to myself on a regular basis where I can recharge. I need it. I know it’s not rocket science, but I feel like I have to fight so hard for it to happen.
Thank you for helping me figure this out and regain a sense of balance in my life. Amen
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Now…fastforward to today. I didn’t wake up with quite the need I had yesterday to have time to myself. Not every day am I irritated beyond belief that my kids are hanging on me, violating my personal space and asking me to sacrifice my sanity for their entertainment. However, I did, for the 5th time this week, plan to go to the gym to work out this morning and it didn’t happen. And let me tell you, it didn’t happen from lack of motivation or want. Man, I wish I could have wanted to work out this bad when I didn’t have children or anyone else to distract me and sabotage my efforts! lol Nope. I tried so hard to get to that gym. But, guess what? It didn’t happen because my husband had to take our minivan to the dealer to have some things looked at, and although he willingly took our two kids with him so that I could go to the gym (after I threw a fit about not getting to go ALL week), I wasn’t even close to being dressed to go at 8:15am when my class starts. On top of that, we had workers on their way to our house to finish up their job from yesterday, so I had to be here to let them in.
I will say, however, that I’m grateful for that little tiny chunk of time where I was able to shower without worrying that my son was possibly in another room wetting his pants or hearing my youngest grow increasingly impatient while I shave my legs. It was better than yoga to be able to walk through every room in my house and put things away quickly without having to carry a 23 lb baby around or leave him in a room and hear him cry because I left him. I needed that small chunk of time. It wasn’t a pedicure. It wasn’t a work out. But it was MY time. And I needed it.
I have to say, it’s really been funny how hard I’ve tried to make things happen lately — like making time for myself and working out and scheduling breaks, and it’s still a huge effort and a miracle when it all comes together, and truthfully, on most days, it doesn’t really come together at all. I feel like the stars have to align just right so that I can leave the house or get a moment to myself in order to accomplish anything productive. And, you know what? That’s OK. I keep telling myself that one day, in the not so distant future, I will have the whole house to myself while the kids are off to school, and I will probably sit with a cup of coffee gazing out the window with a tear in my eye remembering these days I’m living out right now. These are good days. Really good days. This is the sweetest, most satisfying job I’ve ever done. In fact, no matter how much a mother of young children might complain about sleep deprivation or overall frustration and exhaustion, she also realizes deep down that she is living out the best times of her life.
So, here’s my prayer for today:
Dear Lord,
Thank you SO much for loving me so much that you gave me such a beautiful, sweet little family. I know that there are days (like yesterday) when everything is more than I can handle, but I’m so grateful for what I have. You have entrusted me with these precious little boys, and I want to be the best Mommy I can be for them. Not only that, but I want to be the best wife I can be to my wonderful husband as well. Forgive me for taking things for granted. For being impatient and irritable. Forgive me for being grouchy when I don’t get to do what I want to do with my day. Help me to realize that these days are precious and few and cannot be redone. There will only be so many times my son will sit on my lap and listen to me read him a book and look through the pages before he learns to read himself and wants to be left alone when he reads. There will only be so many times that my baby bobs his head on and off my chest looking for food before he realizes that there are more promising and fulfilling sources for food out there than what I have to offer him. There will only be so many times where I get to help my son sit down on the toilet to go potty before he learns how to do it himself and doesn’t want me in there with him ever again! There will only be so many times that my baby plays peekaboo with me with such delight before he realizes that there are other things more thrilling in this world. These days…however long they may often seem…are numbered. If there has ever been a difficult concept to grasp, it is this one. Everyone who has experienced watching their children grow so quickly will tell you to cherish every moment. However, most of us who are in the thick of it get tired of hearing that. It’s like a married person telling a single person to enjoy their life while they’re single; or better yet, a couple with children telling a couple who desperately wants children but can’t have them to enjoy their freedom and sleep. We never really understand concepts like these until we’ve gone through it ourselves. But, the problem with this, Lord, is that I don’t want to grasp this when it’s all over and done. I want to get it NOW and not have any regrets when I pull up to the Kindergarten door, the graduation auditorium or the college dorm. I want to know that I was there for my kids and loved on them and squeezed their fat baby feet and held them and loved them and kissed them and tickled them and lived this life with them to its fullest. But, right now, I can’t know that because I’m just craving a break, a full night of sleep or a minute to check my computer.
Lord, help us to grasp what we have right now while we have it. Help us to not always want what we can’t have, but to want what we’ve got. For this, I believe, is the true key to happiness.
Thank you and AMEN!
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