I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but “balanced” has never been one of those things. Oddly enough, that’s something I’ve always strived for, and I’ve always felt that my lack of balance has been a shortcoming or stumbling-block throughout my life. In many ways it has been. I know that I tend to get excited about something and go go go, and then, somehow, whatever it was I got excited about loses its appeal days or weeks later. I also have issues when it comes to daily chores or developing a routine. I have the discipline to stay on course, but I’ve rarely been balanced enough to ride the waves and not let myself get bored or irritated with the task at hand. That’s almost embarrassing to admit. But, I hesitate to think that everyone I know doesn’t have a little bit of that in them. Or, don’t they?
I’ve mentioned before that I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. I either have it completely together (at least in my head) and things are smooth sailin’, or I am a complete train wreck with everything falling apart around me. I am either balls to the wall into something or completely disinterested in everything. I’m either super-duper productive or I can’t manage to open an envelope I got in the mail. I am either a crazed neat-freak with everything perfectly in place and a roast in the oven or a complete slob with stacks of paper piled high to my cobb-webbed ceiling and four different to-go boxes of leftovers from four different restaurants in the fridge. Call it what you will, but never call me “balanced”.
The biggest issue I’m having with this personality defect/charming, artistic side of me is how it affects my ability to be the kind of mother I want to be to my kids. I would think that it might be hard for them to deal with at some point, and for that reason alone, I would like to attempt to be a bit more even-keeled and predictable. Right now, however, that is really hard for me to do and here’s why…
You see, before having kids, I could just dive into a project and be completely absorbed in it without my absence or involvement in other activities affecting anyone around me. I could work on an opera score or learn German or spend hours learning how to do something with no interruptions other than having to pee or sleep or eat. I could brainstorm (which I love to do). I could read interesting books. I could learn a new skill. I could be the hermit I was meant to be and fully devoted and absorbed in something that gave me fulfillment. ha! But now all of that has changed. And I’m struggling with that. A big part of me feels a lot of guilt that I have other interests besides spending every waking moment with my precious lil’ ones right now. “That’s silly to say!” you might be thinking. “Every Mom needs a break!!” Well, I know, but sometimes I need more of a break than the time in my days or weeks allow. Everyone tells you to cherish these moments, because “they don’t last…” But lately, I’ve been wanting to do some things that are taking up a lot of my time and taking my focus away from my kids. The old me feels great satisfaction from doing things that awaken my creative side, but the new me feels complete and total guilt, and quite honestly, complete frazzled-ness from not being able to tend to the things that keep our household going in a way that makes me feel like a better Mommy.
This week, I have totally let things go. I mean, I’ve picked up the kids’ toys every night and put them away, and I’ve continued to do dishes and keep the kitchen picked up (for the most part), but the laundry has piled up and I’ve totally spaced out on my to-do list. The bathrooms are all dirty and the floors are a MESS. I haven’t cooked all week (except for tonight) and we’ve eaten out wayyy too much lately. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for two days and I’ve let myself go just to save time. Why, you ask? Well, lucky for you, I’ll tell ya!
Right now, I’m completely obsessed with learning about website design and have been up most nights for the past 3 weeks trying to make sense of it all playing around with graphics and attempting to learn CSS. It all started when I wanted to update my business website, and then I got the bright idea and the fire lit underneath me to attempt it myself with a new website I’m working on. I’m going to be tie-ing it to this blog, and I’ll let you all be the first to see it when it’s ready. I promise. Anyway, this is keeping me busy. It’s a good kind of busy. I am enjoying myself and learning a lot. But I’m also completely insane right now too. I’m finding that I am looking for every chance I can get to just sit down on my computer and work on these things. But that time rarely comes. And then I get frustrated and grouchy. Today was one of those days.
On the flip side, my little baby boy, Julian, turned 16 months old today! He is growing so quickly. He is so sweet and I feel terrible right now that I’m not more tuned in to him. I want to be. I try to be. I just desperately need this time. I feel so selfish for feeling that way. He is so smart and he’s learning everything so quickly. Just today, he was walking around the house pointing at objects and saying what they were. “Water”…”Brush”…”Shoes”…”Blocks”. His vocabulary is growing so rapidly. I want to be present and enjoying this time with him. But all I could think of today was, “When are you going to go to sleep so I can get some things done!?”
Ugh. Balance. It’s a neverending, almost uphill thing to achieve. I don’t even know that I really want to achieve it. I think I’d be bored if I were balanced.
Interestingly enough, this is what a recent book I just read has to say about balance:
“The pursuit of balance is stressing us out. It’s a maddening juggle of self, others, career. Equal parts exercise, home décor, loverly devotion, career ambition, and family tending— and we wonder why we get sick when we finally take a vacation. If you do manage to get balanced, it’s only temporary. Success throws things out of whack. Just when you get it balanced, circumstances or a great idea turns everything around. You can never get it right. Balance: the losing battle. I burn a lot of omelets. It’s a regular occurrence. I’m drawing robots with my kid, I’m jotting down an idea I don’t want to lose, I’m taking the call. And then the smoke alarms go off. I “work” on holidays. I’ve been known to read in bed all day on a Monday. I send birthday gifts three months early or three months late, but I always send just the right gift. I can eat granola cereal every day for a week, wear the same clothes, and not leave the house because I want to finish a project. The last time I was at a monastery, I tweeted about it. This is not a balanced life. But it works for me.” – Danielle LaPorte
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