URGENT: Need Inspiration PLEASE!

by Amy | Nov 8, 2011 | mama confessions

I don’t know if it’s the fact that every time I get an extra ounce of energy to do something, I’m quickly brought back to reality by the fact that one or both of my kids needs me for something STAT.  Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m constantly lacking energy and feeling more sleep deprived than ever.  Whatever it is, I have absolutely NO motivation or inspiration to do anything.  I give up.  I surrender all.  I’m done.

This morning and all day yesterday, I kept asking myself, “What is WRONG with me?!”  I hate hate hate feeling this way.  I don’t like to complain.  I don’t like to be stagnant and blah.  I don’t like feeling like I have no control over my life and what happens or doesn’t happen over the course of a day.  But, somehow, here I am.  What’s funny is that I don’t really have anything super pressing to do.  I just miss that feeling of waking up and being able to accomplish something trivial without having to use ALL the energy I have to fight through and make something happen against all odds.  When I speak of accomplishing something, I must make myself clear:  I’m not forging through a complex business plan — or any business plan for that matter.  I’m not even attempting to clean my house or make a meal.  I am merely attempting to make a couple of necessary telephone calls or get on my computer for more than 5 seconds to check emails and get some necessary things in order for the week and weekend coming up.  How hard is that?  Why does it feel monumental?

I love my boys.  I love my life.  I’m so grateful for all that I have.  Why then…oh WHYYYY do I have these moments where I just feel helpless and depressed about my current state?  I don’t even think it’s the day to day stuff — although that does have a tendency to create a sense of ambiguity for even the strongest of women who are mothers and/or stay-at-home mothers.  I don’t mind the dirty diapers or the endless pile of toys or the spit-up stained and stretched out shirts that were once “cute”.  The reality is, I don’t have any complaints about being a Mommy.  It’s so gratifying for me and, while exhausting, the most fun I’ve ever had.  So why does this dark cloud loom overhead? 

We just had a wonderful weekend spending time with my Aunt and Uncle from Denver and doing all kinds of fun stuff in Austin.  They were amazed at how versatile my kids were.  We took them everywhere and were gone all day and yet, at the end of a very long day, they were still smiling.  How fortunate are we?  I’m so glad I’m not stuck at home with two grumpy kids who can’t be flexible when we do something out of the ordinary.  I can virtually take them anywhere and it works.  So, why am I complaining?

Well, I think what’s getting me down the most right now is my inability to take my inspiration and run with it like I used to.  I am a creative person by nature.  I don’t just like being creative.  I thrive on being creative.  Whether creativity should strike by working on my voice and widdling my way through an interpretation of a song in a foreign language, or picking out a new paint color for a room in my house, or writing in my journal or letting my wheels turn on possibilities with my current business or businesses that have yet to be created — I love to create!  When I don’t get to create, I get grouchy.  I get complacent.  I get stagnant.  I get bored.  I truly think this is why I didn’t have kids sooner in my life.  I mean, I guess I also needed a husband, too, right?  But, I really resisted having kids because of this very issue.

Everything about having kids goes against my nature.  I’m not highly social.  Having kids makes you highly social — like it or not.  If you don’t feel like talking or being around people, guess what?  With kids you will be around people ALL day long and either have to talk a lot yourself or listen to someone else talk (or babble)!  If you aren’t at home with your kids alone, you are being social by being out on playdates or birthday parties, the park, storytime at the library or some class for kids.  Yay for being social!  No more holing up and giving myself time and space to breathe before I go out in public! lol

So, I guess that’s it in a nutshell.  I’m struggling with some fundamental personality conflicts with myself and where I am in my life.  I never thought I’d say that with regards to being a Mommy.  I used to frown upon hearing that friends of mine were dissatisfied when they had beautiful children and a husband — the perfect life!  But, I think with every phase of life comes a bit of inner dialogue and conflict.  This is not for wimps.  I love it and thank God every day that he blessed me with two beautiful children, but I also mourn the loss of myself.  That sounds so cliche, right?  I hated that phrase as well.  How do you lose yourself?  You just get redefined, right?  Well, redefining who you are is not always so simple.  One can only relinquish so much of herself:  her time, her energy, her choice of radio stations, her choice of how many hours of sleep she gets, her choice of how spicy she makes dinner, her choice of where she spends her day, her choice of what television shows she watches — if any at all, her choice of how much time she gets to spend doing things she likes to do, before she starts feeling a little desperate.

I am not a victim, though.  I have never liked people who make themselves out to be victims or martyrs.  And I never thought they made good Mommies.  We all have our own cross to bear.  We all make choices.  I made mine and I’m so glad I did.  But, I really don’t see any other way of doing things for a while, and that’s hard to swallow sometimes.  Sure, I can go out with girlfriends on occasion or plan a date night with my husband.  Sure, I can carve out time for myself throughout the week or start planning ahead for creative ventures that make me feel alive again.  I know all that stuff.  And sure, the occasional outings or time and space do help.  But the reality is, I need to find a way to accept this change in my life and be content.  No amount of sleep or time to myself is going to change the reality — I have two young children who need me…constantly.  I honestly don’t feel like I need a vacation from that to make me feel better.  I need to accept it, find a way to be creative and remain who I was born to be AND be a great Mommy.  The question is how?  There is no silence in my day where I’m awake enough to breathe deeply and meditate.  There is no unpaid help that could potentially relieve me a couple hours a week for some ME time.  There’s no Grandma standing by to babysit my kids so I can have a date night with my husband.  So, somehow, I need to accept that, right now, for this short phase in my life, I am going to not have the time or energy to be creative.  I am not going to be able to do those things that personally fulfil ME — at least not on a regular basis.  And with this reality in mind, how will I proceed?  Hmmm…interesting stuff to think about.

So, here’s my gratitude list for today:

1. my two boys who are so little and sweet right now. This phase of their lives won’t last long, so I can embrace it and love it!
2. my colorful life full of inspiration that I will one day be able to act upon
3. my extended family — aunts, uncles, cousins — who add richness and fulfilment to our lives
4. it’s raining outside
5. my son is getting ready to turn 3.  My life has changed so much since he was born and FOR THE BETTER!  Without him, life would be so dull (and quiet).
6. my cozy house that is dark and lit with candles right now
7. my 6 students who are coming today for lessons. 
8. having a good hair day
9. all these magazines that I will one day be able to sit and look at and get inspiration from
10. great friends to share fun experiences with

Lazy, sad Sunday

by Amy | Nov 6, 2011 | mama confessions

Today, my Aunt and Uncle flew back to Denver after their very short whirlwind weekend visit here in Austin.  Their trip was much anticipated, and we had such a great time with them, but I’m somehow left to feel so sad and empty for not just them but all of our out of town family.  Fall and winter bring a solemn spirit of longing for family closeness to me.  I can’t quite explain it.  I just want to be closer to family and see the people I love more often.  This Aunt and Uncle never lived close to us geographically.  From the time I can remember, they always lived out of town and far away from where our family lived.  In your mind, you hope that distance won’t create an obstacle, but it somehow always does — especially with limited resources and time to travel.  We never saw them.  We spoke with them only on special occasions.  When we did see them, it was usually a drive by visit from them or a very short whirlwind visit for us.  This weekend makes me wonder how different things might have been had we lived closer and seen each other more often.  It was so sweet to get to know them and yet, so sad to think of what could have been if only we had spent more time with them growing up.

Experiencing my Grandmother’s death over the past month has made me realize even more how precious time with your loved ones is.  Every second of the day, we are making memories — whether pleasant or not so pleasant.  Many of us get so caught up in the busy-ness of our lives, that we fail to realize how quickly time is actually going by.  We have now lived in Austin, TX for over seven years.  How’s that possible?  I moved away from my hometown to go and explore Europe in 2001, and here it is, almost 2012!  I’m floored by this. 

Anyway, I hate to be Debbie Downer in this post, but I feel very sad right now regarding where we currently are in our lives:  Living far away from all of our family on both sides with two little kids and very limited resources to get up and go spend time with our families when we want to.  Something has to change soon.  But will it? 

OK.  Here’s my gratitude list (long overdue):

I’m grateful for:

1. Great weekends like this one with wonderful family coming to visit us.  What a fun time we had!!
2. The fact that my parents are coming to visit in 2 weeks for Thanksgiving!
3. Friendships here in Austin that are like family in many ways and help to fill that gap and make living far away from family a little easier.
4. My precious immediate family — my husband and my boys — for they are my reason for living.
5. Cloudy, rainy days that allow us to rest and forget about the world.
6. All this food I bought that we haven’t eaten in my fridge.
7. Not having to cook dinner tonight.
8. The prospect of eventually moving back home to be closer to my family.
9. Skype
10. In preparation for our guests, I was able to get all of my recent pictures printed and hung up on the walls.  THIS IS PROGRESS!

Finally!!!

by Amy | Nov 4, 2011 | mama confessions

 Today I ordered actual prints of some of the pictures we’ve been taking throughout the year.  I have been working on creating a folder of all of my favorite pictures, and I finally uploaded them to Walmart’s online photo department and picked them up this afternoon.  Since the kids fell asleep, I’ve been drinking my favorite Austrian wine and putting all the pictures in frames.  I can’t believe it has been nearly six months since I’ve done something this productive.  I have been so upset that I haven’t been able to get around to doing this ONE THING, so it makes me happy that I finally have a sense of accomplishment.  It took having relatives book a flight and say they are coming this weekend for me to do it, but hey…some things just need a little motivation!

PICTURES ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!  (sorry about the caps…it’s the wine)  I like having pictures up ALL OVER MY HOUSE!  It makes me feel good.  It makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am.  It makes me feel blessed and loved.  It makes me PROUD!  I am so proud.  But not in a conceited way.  I am proud, because I never thought I’d have  this.  I never thought I’d have this wonderful family.  So many relationships failed to succeed throughout my twenties and made me believe that I wasn’t worthy of love.  When I met Thomas after so many broken, failed relationships, I couldn’t believe that love had finally found me.  The feelings were right.  The timing was right.  I’m still pinching myself.  It’s not perfect.  Nothing is.  We argue over stupid things.  We get on each other’s nerves.  He still has yet to figure me out and I have yet to figure him out.  But we love each other.  Deeply.  We love each other more than our problems.  We love each other more than our failures.  We are best friends.  This makes me so grateful for all the failed relationships I had before him.  Thank God I didn’t end up with some of those creeps!  He is such a gem.  He makes me a better person.  OK…enough of the sappy stuff.

So, I have all the pics in frames and actually need to go and buy more frames.  I’m realizing how frameless I am.  har har har  No, but seriously…writing while drinking wine is hard. 

Thomas and I just looked at each other and said, “Why are we still awake?  The boys are sleeping!!!!!!”  There’s something about the freedom that comes with having both boys in bed that makes us not want to sleep.  I don’t know why, since I always complain about sleep deprivation.  You’d think I’d be all curled up and asleep by now, but I’m not.  So dumb.

OK, the wine has definitely taken over and not allowing me to have any thought worth having, so here is my gratitude list:

Today, I am grateful for:

1. welll…my child just woke up!  what are the odds?
2. Austrian wine
3. the great day I had in my pajamas
4. the cooler weather
5. my house is clean
6. crap, he’s crying
7. my pictures are printed and in frames
8. ok…now he’s really crying
9. chocolate
10. sex

ok…sorry!  that was random, but gotta go!

Cold Front

by Amy | Nov 3, 2011 | mama confessions

So, apparently there is a cold front coming through tonight, and my body can already sense it.  The wind is blowing swiftly through the trees outside, and all I want to do is curl up under blankets and sleep.  This is why I need fall/winter.  I am a hibernator.  I really enjoy going on lock down and just staying home and nesting in my little house, making soup and cookies and lighting candles.  It’s my thang!  It all has to do with my need to just be antisocial for a season.  This is my season.  I love people and meeting friends — don’t get me wrong.  But, I also just love time to myself.  I laugh because I haven’t had time to myself in approximately three years, but now, time to myself consists of just being home and not running all over God’s green earth doing stuff to fill up my day.  When you have kids, that’s tempting to do.  But, I am so rewarded by the days that we are just home, not doing much of anything.  Those are the times memories are made and we are rejuvenated and energized for days to come when we are busy.

OK, so how did I get on that kick?  Today was a great day.  We went to the park this morning.  There was a light, cool breeze in the air and the kids really had a lot of fun.  We have our German playgroup meetup on Wednesdays, and we just love getting together with this group and getting to know the people in it more and more.  It also really helps my German to stay intact, and I think I’ve even improved since we’ve been meeting regularly.  Tate and his little girlfriend, Elizabeth, were so cute today, too.  They immediately started holding hands when they saw each other and were pretty much inseparable the whole time.  When Tate would swing, Elizabeth wanted to swing.  When Tate wanted down from the swing, so did she.  It was so adorable.  It’s nice to see them playing together so nicely and really forming a true friendship.  Children engage in parallel play (playing alongside each other without really interacting) for so long throughout their infant and toddler years, so the interaction with one another is a sure sign that they are really maturing.  You can see that now so clearly.  I’ll have to post a picture of them soon.  They are so sweet!

After the park, we forged on to Costco.  We hadn’t eaten lunch yet, so thankfully, they had their sample carts set up with all kinds of different foods to sample.  That helped us make it through the store in one piece.  Thank God!  We had so much fun.  Tate really enjoys trying different things.  I am always intrigued by what he’ll eat in a store in a little paper cup vs. what he’ll eat at home when I serve it to him.  He’ll try anything there.  At home, however, he’s not so adventurous.  I guess I should change my approach and start standing behind a cart with a uniform offering his food in paper cups or on tooth picks.  Hey!  I just might be onto something!

OK…I’m too beat to make sense, but I wanted to write my gratitude list.  By the way, this list is keeping me ALIVE lately and really changing the way I think.  I still have a tendency to look at the glass a little half empty, but it’s totally improving my outlook on life.  I think cultivating the awareness in and of itself is a good thing.  I also love and am looking forward to another New Way of Being telecourse, but unfortunately, there isn’t one til next week.  I love it, because it’s just a reminder to me that I need to slow down and enjoy the little things in my life.  The old me (prior to kids and even sometimes nowadays) would get stressed out when the house was a mess or my son was acting up.  I would remember times when little things would set off my whole day and make it a “bad day”.  But since I’ve become aware of that tendency toward downhill spiral, I am able to push the pause button more often than I used to before just reacting, and ask myself some key questions that help me refocus and get my day back on track.  For instance, if I find myself getting frustrated with my son, it’s helpful for me to stop, take a deep breath and ask myself why his behavior is frustrating me or having such a negative impact on me.  Then I am more able to approach him with a gentler tone and redirect his behavior.  I’m still working on this, but it is helping me so much and helping him as well.  I love all the resources there are, and I eat up any new information I can get. 

Today, I am grateful for:

1. My love for reading and learning and growing.  I love that I crave more knowledge all the time.  And what I love even more is that there is endless knowledge to receive. 
2. My son’s everchanging maturity level.  He is growing up so fast.  Love him!
3. The cold front coming through tonight.  Hermit weather is finally approaching.
4. The fact that right now, at this very moment, both of my children are sound asleep.  (why I am not is a whole other story)
5. Being invited (although I could not attend) to come and help out at an annual women’s conference today.  Knowing opportunities like that exist helps me stay on track and know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
6. My singing voice.  It has been such a wonderful instrument for me.  I haven’t sung in ages, but I am looking forward to the day I can dust off these cords again.
7. My personal voice.  I always knew I had one in me, but now it’s getting more focus and direction (except for this blog post).  I hope and pray that God can use me in some way to touch lives with my voice someday.  I feel like this blog is a start. 
8. This blog.  I had no idea how much I would look forward to writing everyday.  It is not a chore.  It is an exciting, fulfilling way for me to unleash my thoughts and get a broader perspective on my current state.  It’s like morning pages (from The Artist’s Way), but instead, it’s night pages.
9. My new panini press/grill.  We used it tonight to make an amazing panini dinner and it was so easy!!  Why I haven’t bought one of these until now is a mystery! LOVE!
10. My whole house is clean.  It took doing things in several phases over the course of this week, but other than a few odds and ends, the house is clean.  Yay!!! 

Student didn’t show

by Amy | Nov 2, 2011 | mama confessions

THANK YOU, GOD!  My first student didn’t show!  Normally, I would not necessarily be happy about that, but today I am SO relieved.  This means I only have to teach 5 students instead of 6.  It shouldn’t make that much of a difference, but it does for me today.  My energy supply is SO low that teaching 6 might have caused me to go over the edge.  OK…gosh I can be so melodramatic!

Man, today was a great, exhausting day!  Things are no longer black and white like they used to be.  I used to have exhausting days or great days.  Now they are wrapped into one.  They are both.  I like that about having children.  I don’t get to stay in a slump or get too excited because things are always changing.  My days can start out beautifully — everyone is on the same wave length and we’re happy, well fed and we all poop before we leave home.  Then, in a matter of seconds, my day can unravel and spin out of control like nobody’s business.  It makes a person a little more flexible.  I need that.

I am super pressed for time, since, while I’ve been trying to type this, my son has been literally crawling and climbing all over my studio and me like a little monkey.  I just begged him to leave me alone for a sec so I have a min before the next student is due to arrive.  Oh well.  Didn’t happen.

So, quickly…here is my gratitude list:  (and don’t think I’ve forgotten about my favorite products!  will post them later!  I promise!!)

I’m grateful for:

1. beautiful, sunny, cool mornings walking with my boys and my dog around the neighborhood while pushing my amazing double stroller!
2. my great students who sometimes don’t show and give me a break
3. moments in my day where I can briefly take a breath and rejuvenate (I cherish those now)
4. the fact that no one day is good or bad or exhilarating or exhausting.  they are all wrapped into one!
5. great songwriters and singers who get me going.  I just can’t get enough of Sara Bareilles or Bob Schneider. 
6. the fact that my little man is getting so big and mature and we can actually have conversations now. love him!!
7. the fact that my other littler man is also getting so big and is always SO happy and content that I forget he’s here.  Just wish he’d sleep for longer stretches at night and give me a night off from time to time.
8. pulled pork (I’m making that for our out-of-town guests this weekend. YUM!
9. my husband who comes home early on Tuesdays so I can teach
10. great friends like my girlfriend Katie who came over today after I hadn’t seen her for a long time.  It’s always great to catch up and feel like we’ve never missed a beat!

My student is here…gotta go!

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OK…I’m back!

It’s 10pm and I’m beat.  Been a long day.  My almost 3 year old (which reminds me…still need to get his b-day invites sent out!) has been ditching naps altogether or not taking them until it’s too late in the day to mess with.  Today, he didn’t seem like he wanted to take a nap, so I didn’t waste my time forcing the issue.  Came back to bite me in the ass.  While I was teaching my last student of the day this evening, he fell asleep on the couch while my husband was making dinner.  So, I come out of my studio at 6pm to find out both of my sons are napping.  Not asleep for the night, mind you, but napping.  What do you do?  There’s not a lot you can do, really.  We tried waking him and finally were able to get him up after 20 minutes or so.  Then he was doing pretty good at dinner, but all hell broke loose before, during and after bathtime.  I swear, there is nothing I loathe more than hearing a wound up kid at 8pm.  I’m in the other room trying to get the baby down for the night and all I could hear was shouting, screaming and a very loud bath whistle blowing through the house.  To quote my friend Jenn, I wanted to THROTTLE someone!  So, I get the baby down, go in the living room to read a book with him, cuddle a bit and say our good night prayers (which I love to do, btw), and I wasn’t in there 10 minutes before I’m given the news that my baby is wide awake and fussing.  I rush back in to see what all the commotion is about and find him WIDE awake and ready to party.  What gives??  Why do children decide to be wide awake when you are dead tired and ready to jump off a bridge?  These are daily questions I ask myself.  So, it took nearly an hour to get the baby down.  Meanwhile, I hear my other son fighting sleep in the other room and yelling at the top of his lungs, “I WANT MOMMY!!!!”  Ugh…this story just gets worse.  I’ll spare myself from typing the details and everyone else from reading them.  It’s frustrating to even think about…let alone, live.  People who have children that sleep well (or no children at all) have no idea what it’s like to have children who struggle with sleep.  It’s beyond tormenting.  You feel like you want to cry, scream, kick something, strangle someone, beat yourself up, drink something, give your kids a sedative, die or all of the above.  It is no fun.  And no book or piece of advice in the world can make sense or help you overcome this struggle when you are beyond sleep deprived and crazy.  It’s like reading a book about overcoming alcoholism after you’ve just drunk your 19th beer in a row.  I used to hear my friend Jenn complain about this very issue with her sons (before I had the issues myself) and think, “Gee…is it really that hard?  Who is in control?  The kids or the parents?”  Sorry Jenn, if you read this, it wasn’t a judgment…it was merely a thought that crossed my mind as I contemplated how I might handle the same situation.  Well, I’m here to say that you are either blessed or cursed in this department.  I am blessed 1000 times over in so many areas in my life, but I am cursed in this one.  I have tried everything with my oldest son, and I’m afraid that this one just stumps me.  He is not always difficult to get to sleep…it’s usually been the staying asleep part that drives us batty.  He never fully wakes up.  He just wakes us up and then the downward spiral begins.  Since my baby was born, the getting to sleep part with my oldest seems to have become harder and even more challenging.  While he used to easily go to bed by 8 or 8:30, he’s been pushing this time to 9:30, 10 and sometimes 10:30.  My husband is the one who puts him to bed now and it is a real challenge for him to deal with.  We’ve found that not letting him nap as long or at all has helped, but marginally.  When he naps, he usually doesn’t pass out til 10 or after.  When he doesn’t nap, he might go to bed by 9. 

Then there’s my baby.  He was a great sleeper early on.  He slept from 10pm to 4 or 5am til he was 4 months old.  (Am I boring you yet?  Because I’m boring myself)  Now, he wakes every 2 to 3 hours to feed or poop.  It’s ridiculous and exhausting.  But he’s SUCH a good baby and so happy that I hate to even complain.  It’s just hard to take right now.  I’m praying it gets better.  It will.  Right?  It has to.

OK…on that note.  I’m going to bed.  This was not supposed to be a venting session about sleep.  One day, I will look back on this phase and laugh.  Right?  One day.