Being At Peace

by Amy | Oct 27, 2011 | mama confessions

I didn’t make it online yesterday, and that’s OK…but, all morning it’s been causing me stress.  MY GRATITUDE LIST, among other things I planned on doing yesterday, didn’t get written.  But, you know what?  I had a great day!  I hung out with my boys in the morning outside and enjoyed the beautiful breeze.  I let myself have a break!  It was nice.  So, I’m grateful for that.  Then we went to our German playdate Halloween Party at Margit’s house, and we also had fun.  Dinner was a breeze.  The boys were easy.  We watched our favorite shows, The Middle and Modern Family.  We put the boys to bed.  We both fell asleep.  That’s why I didn’t get the gratitude list done.  I fell asleep putting the baby to bed.

BTW…disclaimer:  I have not had my freshly brewed abundance of coffee this morning, because my sweet husband didn’t make any, so my thoughts are ALL OVER THE PLACE!!  However, I’m taking advantage of the couple minutes I have and purposely not scrambling around doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen (because my sweet husband did it for me!!) or looking at status updates on FB, and I’m blogging instead.  Yes, my sweet son is plugged in front of Dinosaur Train so that I can do this, but it’s ok.  He’ll recover.

Today is the second segment of the telecourse I’m taking entitled, A New Way of Being, and I’m so excited.  The funny thing is…I’m not excited because I think it is teaching me anything new.  It is just reiterating what I already know, have already implemented and merely need practice doing:  The art of just being.  The art of living in the now.  The art of not taking on too much — whatever that may be for me right now in this stage of my life.  I need a refresher course from time to time.  It’s kinda like reading and rereading a favorite book.  It helps to hear something over and over.  That’s what this is about for me.

Right now, for me, my biggest challenge is proclaiming the words, “Good is good enough!”  For so long, that seemed like such a cop out.  How could good be good enough for my children?  Good has never been good enough in the performing arts.  Good has never been good enough in school.  And good is certainly never good enough when it comes to working out or being healthy or balancing my checkbook.  We want to strive for EXCELLENCE, right?  So, this whole idea of going easy on yourself and being gentle with yourself is something I have never really allowed myself to do.  I’m almost afraid of it.  Will it give me a free ticket to mediocre?  I don’t want to get in the habit of cutting corners in my life.  And I find myself circling back around to the question Renee Trudeau always asks.  Oops…forgot what that was.  NEED COFFEE!!!  OK…just now remembered:  She asks, “at what cost are you willing to live this life of peace?  to let go of former ways of doing things in order to create a new way of being?”  OK, I rephrased it a bit, but you get the picture.  At what cost?  That’s a hard one to answer.  If changing my ambitious ways means I’m happier and my kids/husband/family are happier, then I guess I’m willing to pay a pretty high price.  Or am I? hmmm…  Throughout last week’s telecourse, she asked the questions:  What does a new way of being look like to you?  What does a new way of being feel like for you?  I honestly can’t answer that.  I couldn’t then.  I can’t now.  I don’t know what or that I’m willing to change.  I like the idea of it.  I don’t know what I’m willing to let go of in order for this to happen.  I think I do in my heart, but I don’t know on paper.  Does that make sense?

OK…so, my son is climbing the furniture and looking at me like, “Come ONNNNN, MOM!”, so I better wrap up for now.  I will try to post later if I get a sec.

Here’s a shot at my gratitude list for today:

1. cool sunny mornings with my kiddos
2. Nutella
3. Freshly brewed coffee
4. a dish free sink
5. Dinosaur Train
6. all of my wonderful friends around the world!  I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!!!
7. undereye concealer
8. craigslist
9. garage sales
10. size 8 jeans that FIT ME!!

Grateful, what?!

by Amy | Oct 26, 2011 | mama confessions

OK, so I’m definitely being challenged on my gratitude today.  Wouldn’t you know it?  The second I decide to attempt a shift in my perspective on life, I am freakin’ challenged?!

My Dad always says, “No good deed ever goes unpunished.”  I hate this phrase, but it’s so true.  I’m always beating myself up, because I feel like I don’t do enough outside of my little hornet’s nest/chicken coup/witch’s hollow.  I don’t volunteer enough…bake cookies for others enough…offer up my voice, my skills, my time for some charity.  So, a girlfriend of mine just recently had surgery, and I seized my opportunity to make her family dinner tonight.  This, in and of itself, would not have been a big deal.  “I can handle that,” I thought.  I’m just going to whip up something easy.”  So, last night at about 3am during a feeding (for my son…not for me, unfortunately), I was struck with panic.  My husband had been to the store already, not once, but twice since Sunday to pick up odds and ends we needed FOR THE WEEK.  Was I really going to have to go to the store AGAIN on a day that I have to teach and pick up MORE so I could fulfil my very UNhuge promise to make my friend dinner?!???!??!?!?!  Yep!  So, I got up and attempted (ha ha haha) to make a grocery store list.  Boy was my plan thwarted.  My older son grabbed my pencil and ran with it before I could finish.  I chased him around the house for the pencil.  The baby was fussing and needed to be fed.  My husband mentioned how he “really needed to get to work early this morning.”  I desperately needed a shower.  And that’s how my day began.

Somehow, I managed to pull this list together AND get it into my pocket AND get us out the door AND made it to the store while sipping on (ok gulping) some coffee.  This used to be a no-brainer.  Now, it’s a freaking logistical nightmare.  My brain is thinking, “OK, I’m just going to get in…get out…get the cheese, sour cream, taco shells…pay…get outta there!!!”  My son is thinking, “I wanna see the lobsters in the tank…I want the candy in isle 5…I wanna try the cheese at the cheese counter…”  HOLYYYYYYYY HELL!  So…(sigh)…we made it home by 11:30am.  Baby was starving.  Older son was wound up.  Meat needed to be unloaded and put in the fridge (since it’s STILL upper 80’s here!!)  I’m EXHAUSTED!

I managed to get the car unloaded and kids unloaded and knew I needed to haul ars to get everything unpacked and put away before a screamfest. Yay me!  I did it!  (another sip of coffee)  I made my son lunch, tried to clean up the kitchen from the night before AND feed the baby.  Then the doorbell rings…(hate this, btw!!)  It’s the pest control guy.  Really?!  Son immediately jumps up from his meal and runs to the door.  Dog starts barking.  Baby starts crying.  Project Get-My-Kid-to-eat-his-lunch just failed.  Damn the system!  Finally get him seated back at the table.  Remember we have to make rice crispy treats for my students and the Halloween party we are going to tmw.  How hard could that be?  what the *#& ever!  Oh, and I don’t just decide to make plain ol’ rice crispy treats.  Nope.  I decide to do the Halloween kind with orange food coloring shaped like a pumpkin.  Again…what the *&^% ever!  I did it and no one got hurt or colored orange.  Hurray for me!  (another sip of coffee).  Clean up the entire mess.  Feed the very tired, fed up baby.  Plug my older son in front of a DVD so I can attempt to get the dinner I promised made and ready to go.  It’s just tacos.  No biggy.  But, it’s 1:45pm.  I start teaching at 3pm and have yet to actually sit down THE ENTIRE DAY!  Oh, and have I mentioned that we are potty training (or trying to) this week?  So, throughout all of this, I’m trying to coerce my son to go pee pee on the big potty.   Yikes!  I get the meat on the stove.  Yay me!  Shred the cheese in my new food processor (cuz why in the HECK would I just buy shredded cheese and make things easier on myself??).  Cut up the tomatoes. Pull out all the fancy, to go containers I just purchased for the event.  Son decides he wants cereal with milk and wants to sit at the table.  Baby awakes from nap.  I’m rushing like mad to get this damn dinner put together before the bell rings.  Wait, what bell!?  I seriously felt like I was on some cooking show where you only get 1 hour to prepare a meal for a crowd of 10,000 people.  The clock was ticking!  I managed to get everything cooked, sliced, shredded and put in containers by 2:30.  Wow!  I had enough time to eat a bite, go to the bathroom, take a drink and maybe throw on some lipstick before my first student arrived at 3pm.  WRONG!  Son decides to go potty again.  Baby gets extra needy and clingy.  Am I wearing any deodorant?  First student arrives — 10 minutes early.  My husband is not yet home.  Baby won’t let me put him down.  House is on fire.  OK, that part is just an embellishment.  You get my drift.  Son is naked and coming out of the bathroom showing his wee wee to my student.  Have I mentioned how grateful I am?

So, I taught this afternoon.  I made it.  Students came.  Stomach growled.  Students didn’t get neatly packed rice crispy treats shaped like pumpkins in little bags with spiders on them filled with candy and spider rings.  They didn’t get jack (except their lesson).  Son screamed outside my door, “MOMMY!!!!  OPEN THE DOOR!!!  GO AWAY!!!”  Husband was growing less and less patient with him.  Baby was fussing (probably because he hadn’t eaten either the whole day).  But I made dinner for a friend in need.  And I was so glad I could help.  And she was so grateful to me.  It was worth it. 

So, without further adieu, here’s my freaking gratitude list:

I am grateful for:

1. Friends in need.  I was in need once or twice and the people who came to my rescue were SAINTS.  They probably had a day much like I had today when they were trying to help me out.  Thanks friends!!!
2. My crazy little family.
3. Realizing my strengths and weaknesses today and having somewhat of an ability to multitask and handle situations under pressure. 
4. My pillow.  I’m ready to lay my head on it. 
5. Orange colored rice crispy treats.
6. Kick ass/no fail tacos.  They were yummy good.
7. The wine I should have but didn’t get to drink tonight because I was too tired.  Probably better anyway.  Who needs wine?
8. A cold front is coming through on Thursday.
9. My Mom.  She did things like this all the time AND baked cakes for a living AND had 3 girls to deal with in the meantime.  I’m sure we were no less exhausting than my kids were today.
10. A GIRLS NIGHT OUT on Thursday!!! 
11. This blog.  For without it, I would need a punching bag right now.

Good Night

Gratitude

by Amy | Oct 25, 2011 | mama confessions

As I was thinking about what I would post tonight, I immediately had the idea of restarting my gratitude notebook.  I heard about this several years ago on Oprah and actually started one when my first son was born.  Then, like everything I start, I let it go by the wayside after a while.  It was good while I had it going though, so I wanted to try it out again in addition to my regular blogging for 60…yes 60 days and see if it improved my outlook on life.  As far as my outlook on life goes, I would probably benefit from a number of activities, including (but not limited to): reading my Bible everyday, going jogging (yay for Sarah!!!), working out at a gym, doing Pilates, having more sex, eating less crap and more healthy fruits and vegetables, earning more money than I spend and drinking less alcohol.  However, I’ll start with a gratitude journal and see if that spawns more positive habits later on.

I am grateful for:

1. My wonderful, caring, thoughtful husband, Thomas.  For without him, I wouldn’t make it through the day alone with 2 kids.  Nor would I see things from ALL angles.  Nor would I have freshly brewed coffee in the morning or a fan club for my cooking.  We may not always see eye to eye, but he’s got my back and I’ve got his.  He’s truly my best friend.
2. My adorable little guys.  Man, they are really special!  I wish they would both sleep a lot  more (esp. right now when I want to blog), but they are super cute and sweet!!
3. My parents.  I take them for granted, but I’m so happy I have them.  Losing my Grandma recently has made me appreciate the special people I have in my life even more.
4. My sisters.  We have grown closer over the years and I really appreciate that missing puzzle piece in my life.  Makes all the difference!
5. My wonderful friends.  I have a lot of them, but a very special few who I know I can call or write at the drop of a hat.  I’m grateful for all of them.  They make me smile and make me so glad I’m a woman.  Love me some girlfriends!!!  (esp. with all the testosterone in my house!!)
6. Being able to still earn some income from home.  Not a lot of people get to do that.
7. Cooler weather.  We had it last week and now it’s gone.  I want it back, and I’m grateful that it’s (probably) coming soon.  I hope. 
8. My cool new KEEN shoes I got a garage sale for super cheap!!  I love me some good buys!
9. That I’m losing my baby weight faster than I thought I would.  there’ s always more to lose, but I’m happy with my baby-making body.  It has served me well.  Just gotta get it in shape again and thank it for all it’s done for me.
10. I’m so grateful for all the difficult times I’ve gone through, the people I’ve been fortunate enough to come in contact with, the experiences I’ve had in my life that have brought me to this very moment.  For without the hard times, the confusing times, the amazing times, there would be no now to appreciate.  I love who my experiences have made me.  I didn’t like me 10 years ago, but I like me now.  Thanks LIFE!

And there ya have it.  My Emmy Award speech I never got to give. 

Nighty night!

A New Way of Being – Part 3

by Amy | Oct 23, 2011 | mama confessions

OK, so I’m still chewing on this, and despite my DESPERATE need for sleep, I need to empty my mind a little.

Several years ago, while living in Vienna, Austria, I found myself sitting alone in my (cold) apartment, journal in hand, dumping all of my thoughts out on paper or pleaing with God over word documents on my computer more times than I care to admit.  Here I was in this gorgeous, cultural hub, and I was literally paralyzed with fear.  Fear of what, you might ask?  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the cold.  Fear of not having enough.  Fear of getting lost.  Fear of not getting things done.  Fear of being rejected.  I have always used writing as an exercise in brain dumpage in order to figure things out for myself or just gain clarity with my current state of affairs.  During this time, I created notebooks of brainstorming charts, pros and cons lists, and even a worksheet that I so fondly remember entitleing, “Recreate Yourself”.  After many dates with Anthony Robbins CDs and thought provoking Joyce Meyer sermons on CNBC and all the books I had read, I knew it was  possible to change my situation…change my destiny…change MYSELF!  I wanted to let go of that horrible horrible roommate called “Fear” and actually go out and LIVE my life.

I have always struggled with depression…although, to me, that seems like a rather elusive term.  I think my biggest issues revolve around my own sense of self, how much I attach my worth to having money and my inability to just let things roll off.  But I would say my biggest, most deep-seated issues revolved around my own fears.

Now let’s quickly fast foward to now.  I am 37 years old; happily married to a wonderful man; have 2 precious boys; love my life.  Is the fear still there?  You bet!  But now the fear is different.  Now I fear for myself AND my family.  I wouldn’t say that I’m paralyzed by it anymore.  This is fear I can handle and I think I’ve left a lot of those ghosts behind thanks to all that journaling and praying and reading.  But now, there are other things that grip me and pull me down and cast their heavy weights on my chest.  One of the most pressing things is my own expectations for myself and my family.  I struggle with this.  I have tried to talk to people over the recent months about how hard it is to just slow down and let go of perfection.  But you know what?  I don’t think slowing down is as much a problem for me as I lead others to think it is.  Unlike so many mothers, I like being home with my kids with nothing major planned, no place to go and nothing to do.  I don’t mind not being intellectually challenged or the bread winner of the household.  It’s heaven for me to be with my kiddos 24/7 day in day out.  So, I’m trying to figure out what is gnawing at my soul.  I think it’s the lack of time I get to be alone, with myself, with my thoughts (like I am now) and really process my life.  I want so desperately to be present in everything I do and say, but I find myself so exhausted by the day or night before that I don’t have the energy to try and carve out this necessary time.  It may be time to journal, blog, read a good book, do my nails, pluck my chin hair (yes, this is cathartic for me too!!), talk to my husband and laugh about this or that, watch a movie or show I’ve been wanting to watch.  I just don’t have it right now.  Do I know this time will pass?  Certainly.  But right now I just crave that time and don’t really know how to function from a place that doesn’t give me that time I’m craving.  Yes, I do know that I could ask for help.  I’ve tried that and it works sometimes and backfires others.  I had the asking for help thing down pat when I just had one child.  With two, asking for help seems a little more intrusive or complicated.  I’m nursing, so I don’t feel like I can leave the baby alone for very long.  When the baby is sleeping or content, I feel like I need to pay more attention to my other son.  And I do.  When both children are asleep, I feel like I should be doing the frantic Mommy thing.  You know…the thing where we run around trying to accomplish everything we couldn’t accomplish when they were awake.  This frantic Mommy thing usually comes to an end when one or both children suspect that Mommy is trying to accomplish something, enjoy herself or merely get some rest, and they quickly awaken to sabotage all projects underway.  My husband is also extremely helpful.  He is an equal partner who takes on parenting and doesn’t expect me to do it all by myself.  He helps out a lot with my older son and gets him fed and ready in the mornings and comes home from an exhausting day of work and plays with him outside and bathes him and puts him to bed.  He does a lot.  So, when asking for me time comes to mind, I usually think, “Well, has he had “me time”??  Probably not.  Case closed.  Access denied.”  When I think of other people I could ask for help, it’s usually a bad time or I am immediately reminded of the fact that they also have limited resources and lots of responsibilities too.  Why would they be willing to help me out so I can rest or get a few things accomplished?  Then there’s the whole “babysitter” thing.  Yes, I do have babysitters I can call in a time of need…but that time of need can’t be on a school night or during the weekday (when I’m most vulnerable).  If I hire a real babysitter who could come at the drop of a hat, I’m talking about paying some big $$ to do it, PLUS, by the time this brilliant idea comes to mind, the permanent marker is already on the walls…the cake batter is already on the ceiling…the poor dog has already had her hair pulled and been hit with a plastic golf club…and the poor 2 year old has already been screamed at one time too many times and come within an inch of his life!  In other words, the damage has been done.  End of scene.   Time to move on. 

I say all that to say that I am loving this life.  I am happy.  I am fulfilled.  But my quest in my New Way of Being starts with something very basic — finding some time for self love, come hell or high water.

A New Way of Being – From the OUTSIDE IN

by Amy | Oct 22, 2011 | mama confessions

I’ve been chewing on this idea about what a new way of being would look and feel like for me.  My first thoughts go right to my wardrobe and all the physical aspects about myself that I don’t necessarily like right now.  Not that I hate the way I look or anything — I just want to update it and get a new look down that fits my lifestyle and personality and BUDGET!  Let’s just be vain for a minute here and get real.  If we don’t look good, we don’t feel good either right?  Can I get a loud, “RIGHT!!!”???

So, I got my hair cut and colored at my fancy Aveda salon by my cute, stylish girl last weekend and other than the color being a little too reddish for my taste (which I think I’m going to have her fix), I LOVE MY HAIR!!!  It’s short, pixy like (reminds me of you Sarah!) and oh so ME.  Why I ever let my hair grow longer than my pinky finger, I’ll never know…but THIS, my friends, is ME to a T!  It’s just hard to keep up since my hair grows so quickly and expensive to maintain…but, OH WELL!  It’s easy on an every day basis and it always looks clean and cute and fun — even if I don’t wash it for days on end.  It actually looks better if I don’t wash it.  I experimented with that this week and went for 4 days.  I know…some of you are saying, “GROSS!!!”  But, it was nice to not wash it and still feel cute regardless.

Secondly…I’ve always been a product whore.  My first real job was at Beauty Biz (now Sally’s), and I worked in the men’s fragrance department at The Jones Store Company before I went to college where I used to trade off sample bottles of men’s cologne for Lancome, Clinique and Estee Lauder cosmetics.  I’ve always loved great skincare, hair care and fabulous make up!  The problem is, right now I can’t deal with it all.  I have to get my style narrowed down to a few MUST HAVE products that I can’t live without and be done with it.  I can’t waste my time or money on cheap knock offs that don’t work to cover the age spots, conceal the dark circles under my eyes or thicken my frail, thin lashes.  I’ve recently discovered L’Occitane within the past year and love their products — esp. since they are as close to natural as you can get, feel great on my skin and smell so good!  But again, I need to get my make up bag to downsize and wear only the products that really work well and make me smile.  It sounds ridiculous, but for me, this is really important.  It’s who I am and I’m not going to deny it!

Then there’s my clothing style.  I love loose and comfortable things that don’t make me look like a grandma or a lard ass, but somehow, over the past couple of years, my wardrobe has gone from cute, trendy vintage clothing to stretchy pants from Old Navy.  My sister was nice enough to give me two pairs of her jeans that no longer fit her, and now they fit me like a glove! LOVE EM!  Then, the other day, out of the blue, I tried on my wunderbar long and lean jeans from the GAP in a SIZE 8 and they fit perfectly, so there ya have it — JEANS MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.  I’M A JEANS KIND OF WOMAN!  Along with those jeans, I love my loose fitting shirts that I’ve been buying lately from Ann Taylor Loft.  I wore one today in a beautiful, yummy moss green color with a tank underneath.  The prerequisite for any shirt right now is that I have to be able to pull it down or over to breastfeed my baby.  That’s hard to find.  Of course, I could always lift my shirt up to do this, but why expose my fat rolls to the world??  It’s so much easier to pull my top down than up.  Why am I going into all of this?  Because it’s MY LIFE, that’s why.

Then there’s the undergarments.  This is my BIGGEST FAUX PAS and I will readily accept full responsibility.  Let’s just get it out there:  I wear granny panties and LOVE EM!  I also, until recently when my girlfriend introduced me to Soma Intimates (thank GODDDDDDDDDD!!), wear bras that don’t fit and make my boobs stick out like muffins over the top OR they allow my once voluptuous now saggy, heavy boobs sag to the ground.  I now own ONE bra that works well for my boob size and keeps the girls up.  One.  Taking up collection for another bra if anyone is interested in donating.  And, like my mother, I wear the most god awful pj’s to bed.  I buy cute ones.  I swear, I do!  But the cute ones don’t feel good.  So, I end up defaulting to the gross, comfortable jammies that feel good.  I also don’t have cute socks or a cute bathing suit.  This is really sad and ridiculous.  My Mother didn’t raise me to be this way.  I swear, she didn’t.  Need. HELP. NOW!!!

OH…and shoes!!!!!  Today I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a GARAGE SALE in my neighborhood with a buttload of brand new KEEN shoes IN MY SIZE!!  What are the odds??!  Apparently the guys were KEEN distributors and had a lot of leftover products they needed to get rid of.  I bought 3 pairs of shoes for $60.  UNHEARD OF!  So, by default, KEEN is my new foot style.  Normally, my foot style is flip flops — regardless of the weather.  In Texas, if you don’t own 10 pairs of flip flops, you’re probably dead.  My newest obsession has been Teva mush flip flops.  They mesh to the shape of your feet and they are SO comfortable…I tell ya!  but anyway, I digress.

OK…so my new way of being has to do with getting my groove back.  Kids can knock that groove right outta ya, and even though I’m proud to say that I’ve never let myself go a day without a shower since the birth of my boys, I have let my groove slip and slide just a wee bit.  And what I’m finding out about my new groove is that it doesn’t have to be about high heels (which I never could wear anyway because of bunions) and skirts (which I never liked because I had to wear them everyday in Christian school when I was younger) and uncomfortable and/or expensive clothing.  It’s about feeling good and looking good and being confident.  The other “it” factor for my style has to be NO FUSS.  My shirts have to be able to take a lot of wear and tear and spit up and snot and still look cute. 

So, I’ve got  my look:  short hair, fun jewelry (I didn’t touch on this one, but it is the very essence of my existence!), loose fitting, but flattering shirts, GREAT jeans that make my ass look small and my thighs even smaller, and flip flops or KEEN shoes.  Then there’s the diaper bag, of course…but, that’s a whole other discussion that I’m almost positive my ONE reader doesn’t care to read about. lol

Oh, and one more thing with regard to wardrobe:  If it’s unflattering, uncomfortable or in any way complicated, it’s OUT!  That’s my new motto!  So, goodbye dumb old and gross undies, bras and socks!  G’bye, pants that never fit right!!  See ya, lip shades that are just a shade off or cleansers that make my face feel like the dryest surface outside the Sahara desert.  Bye bye, Old Navy stretchy pants.  You suck!  Bye bye frilly shirts that don’t handle stains or that sweater that was soooo cute but too itchy to ever really wear.  I am done with disfunction — starting with my look!!