I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I just don’t want to deal with the holidays this year. Ever since I can remember, Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite time of the year. I love the cool, fall breeze, football games, pumpkin patches, fall scents and the anticipation of a day spent with the ones you love giving thanks. For years, Thanksgiving was always at my Grandma’s house. All of us would pile in her tiny living room and watch football and we’d pile in the kitchen to pile up our plates with turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and toss it back with some sweet tea. Thanksgiving was never right without my Grandma’s homemade rolls and corn fritters. Man they were good! I can smell them now and taste them like it was yesterday. For dessert, we would usually have a wide array of pies that everyone baked and lined up on the buffet. We’d have several varieties of pumpkin pie, pecan pie and my Grandma would always add in something like blackberry cobbler or apple pie or sometimes even gooseberry pie (my personal favorite). My Mom’s side of the family’s last name is Pilgrim, so there were at least two occasions where we were selected to participate in news interviews or for write ups in the newspaper. One year, we made a whole column and our picture was on the front page — simply because of the Pilgrim name.
Over the years, Thanksgiving has become less festive as all of us have grown and moved on. My Grandma stopped hosting the holiday at her house because our clan was growing too much and her house kept getting smaller and smaller. It was also hard on her to have that much responsibility and so many people over at once, so we started having it at our house. My Mom always did the turkey and stuffing and I have always made a few signature dishes of my own to contribute. My Grandma would still bring her rolls and fritters and over the years, we’d all try to duplicate one of her signature dishes, but we could never quite get it right. Once I moved to Europe, Thanksgiving became a thing of the past. I always came home for Christmas and Thanksgiving was too close, so I never made it back for that. Many times, I would celebrate with my American friends in Vienna, which was always nice. We’d do a potluck and everyone would bring their specialty. Since my friends were all from different backgrounds, we had a huge variety of different types of food. A lot of times, the grocery wouldn’t carry certain things that would lend to a specific recipe, so we’d have to improvise and do our best to make it work. And I believe I spent a couple of years working over Thanksgiving and sharing the celebration with colleagues. It was still special, but not like the Thanksgivings I grew up with. Since I have lived back in the States, I have been home once or twice for Thanksgiving, but we quit doing it when we realized we’d just have to get back in the car and turn around 4 weeks later if we wanted to come home for Christmas too. Since we stopped going home for Thanksgiving, we’ve had a couple of Thanksgivings where my parents have been able to make it down here. That was always special because I could show off my turkey making skills and my Mom could relax for a change. I even made Thanksgiving dinner 2 weeks after my oldest son was born — which was interesting and exhausting! But typically, Thanksgiving has just been us — our little family — here at home in Austin without visitors or further plans other than attempting to eat a 4-5 lb. turkey on our own with lots of leftovers for days on end until everything is gone.
This year, we had everything arranged. My parents were going to come down the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then we’d get up on Wednesday and head to San Antonio where we were all booked to stay in a hotel on the Riverwalk overnight. Then, we’d leisurely head back to Austin and I’d prepare our Thanksgiving meal. I was so excited! We wouldn’t be alone for Thanksgiving and for once, we’d have something fun planned ahead of time. How often does that happen?!
Then I got the text last week about my Dad. My Dad had a TIA or mini stroke, and was in the hospital for several days while they stabilized his blood pressure and ran tests to assess the situation and acquire more accurate information about his condition. He will now have to undergo a very serious surgery on his carotid arteries within the next few weeks due to 50-70% blockage and take it easy.
Quite honestly, I’m not upset about my Dad’s condition. Yes, I’m worried about his health. Yes, I’m sad they aren’t coming after all, and we will be spending Thanksgiving with just our little family. I’m anxious about the surgery and pray that it goes well. I wish it were tomorrow rather than 3 weeks from now. I think what gets me the most is that I’m so far removed from the situation. My sisters can go over and check on him on a daily basis, but I’d have to get a plane ticket and alter my life in a major way to go there and no matter how much I wanted to be there last week when he was in the hospital, I couldn’t do it. We were just there for my Grandma’s funeral…then only 4 weeks before that for my Dad’s birthday. Going again already would be too much. But I wanted to. And being here really did a number on me as I awaited information from family members who don’t like to use the phone or email.
This is in no way a sympathy plea, but I’m just sad. I’m sad that my Grandma is gone and it’s the end of her era. I’m sad by the realization that life is going by and my parents are aging. The “good ol’ days” are over. I’m happy that I get to create new memories and traditions with my own little family and I’m so grateful for that. But, right now, at this very moment, I’m feeling nostalgic and sad. I never meant to leave home for good. I just wanted a new change of scenery for a while. But, here I am…10 years away from home and the prospect of being able to return just doesn’t seem very probable. It’s not to say that I don’t like Austin. I do. I also love my friends here and the life we’ve created. It’s funny…I don’t think I would have missed it had we left even 3 years ago, but I’d miss it now. I’d be leaving a lot behind. But, to not have to go through all the emotions I’m going through right now, I’d do it in a heart beat. I hate being out of the loop. I hate not being closer and able to pop in and help out when I’m needed.
I don’t know that I sound very grateful tonight, but I am. Here are a few things I’m grateful for:
- My comfy bed.
- The boys went to bed by 6:45pm tonight.
- I received this wonderful almond exfoliator from L’Occitane from my Aunt Babbie and used it this morning. It was heavenly!
- Today was a really sweet day with my boys. We didn’t go anywhere, but were able to just hang out and enjoy each other’s company.
- It rained today
- My Dad is home and in good spirits
- Tate had a great birthday on Monday
- I was really on top of his party this year — even though I wasn’t really in the mood to throw one.
- falling asleep as I type this…hopefully I can finish this list tomorrow (or make a new one)
- going to bed now…good night!
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