Sleep.  It’s something that is so taken for granted when you get enough of it, but it’s so coveted and obsessed about when you can’t seem to get any.  I’m so grouchy and literally beside myself with sleep deprivation that I can’t seem to cope.  My husband asked me if I was going crazy today, and I admittedly screamed, “YES!!!  YES I AM!!!  I AM TIRED AND HAVEN’T SLEPT IN DAYS!!!”  The problem is, you expect to be sleep deprived when you have a newborn who wakes every 1-2 hours throughout the night wanting to nurse.  You don’t, however, expect it when you have a five month old who wakes within seconds after putting him in his own bed and an almost three year old who wakes at least once a night if he is put to bed even ONE minute before 10pm.  All I keep asking myself is, “What am I doing wrong?”  But even if I were to figure that out, I don’t have the energy to correct it.  I’m just sure that any attempts to change the current climate would fail miserably, and I would just end up back at square one within a couple of days…or hours…or minutes!

Right now as I write this, it is 9pm on Sunday evening.  I’m typing this in front of the t.v. knowing full well that my attempts to express myself will be interrupted shortly by a cry for help from one room or another.  Man, I took solitude for granted when I had it.  I’m not complaining.  Well, I guess maybe I am.  Truth is, I love my life and love my kids.  I have two of the sweetest little boys on the planet!  But, they are a lot of work.  I never knew how exhausting this gig would be.  And yet, I never assumed it would be easy either.    I definitely don’t want to be one of those mothers who goes around complaining about how tired or busy she is.  It’s the gift (and curse) of motherhood.  I just need to find a way to balance things and actually find a way to enjoy this wonderful life I now live with 1/3 less sleep than I’m used to.  That’s possible, right? har har har

So, the other day I was talking about getting things done and finding the time or energy to do the things I want to do.  Today was one of those days where I was just in survival mode.  We woke up at 6:30am, I made coffee, threw the store bought sugary coffee cake on the table and attempted to put one foot in front of the other all day long.  I never felt good.  I never felt terrible.  I was just and am just…there.  I’m not enthused.  I’m not jazzed.  What does that mean, by the way?  Jazzed.  I’m not psyched either.  I’m just breathing air and hoping that, one of these days, I will feel the way I’m supposed to feel — whatever that means.  How am I supposed to feel, anyway?  I can tell you how I do feel:  tired, fat, unattractive, unfashionable, unorganized, tired, exhilarated, mean, grouchy, unsexual, fulfilled, grateful, bored, overwhelmed, fed up, out of touch with reality, the news, my own creativity, friends that I love to talk to and have I mentioned how grouchy I am?

The thing is, I have resources and I know I should be calling upon them right now to get through this weird but precious phase in my life.  I’ve read The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal by Renee Peterson Trudeau and several other books on motherhood and finding serenity in the midst of it.  I know it’s important to take time for yourself and reconnect with who you are and what you love.  The problem I’m having is WHEN!@#!!!!!??????

Well, what did I tell ya?  Duty calls…

and I was just getting started.  Damn the system!