Setting new goals for a new year

by Amy | Jan 16, 2012 | mama confessions

So, I decided that I need to quit beating myself for not getting around to blogging.  Truthfully, I have bigger fish to fry and when I’m not frying those fish, I’m trying to get some much needed rest.  But, today, I have help!  It’s MLK Day which means that school kids have today off which means that I have a babysitter for a couple of hours.  This is SO nice!  I had forgotten how great it was to have someone else on board during the weekday to help me just have a break and get some stuff done.  I actually practiced for the first time in many many months for an upcoming recital I’m singing in, and now, I’m blogging! Yay!

I can still hear my kids…and occasionally, I have to go in the next room to correct one of them.  But, it’s still help.  I can sit here without guilt about ignoring my kids and write a little while.  I should be going through my tax returns and receipts and tending to my paperwork…that endless pile of paperwork.  But, I am rejuvenating.  I am regrouping instead.  I need this.

So, sorry I’m babbling.  I have a 3-year old who is telling his sitter that he needs a different bowl for his pretzels than for his nuts.  Whatevs.  Can’t concentrate.  Moving to another room a little further away.

My new goal is to blog once a week.  I think I can handle that.  Once a day is too much.  Once a month is not enough.  I think I can make a time once a week and blog.  It just can’t be another thing on my “to-do list” or I will abandon it like I abandon shaving my legs.  I know…TMI…but, it’s winter after all.  And really, who is looking at my legs that closely anyway?

So, how are you?  Blogs are so one-sided, you know?  What’s new with you and your life?

OK…if you must know, I’ll share some new happenings of my own. 

For starters, I just accepted a children’s choir director position at Central Presbyterian Church in downtown Austin.  I’m super excited about it (albeit a little anxious too).  It will be a great opportunity for me to get out of the house once a week and do something different besides being a Mommy and teaching privately here at home.  It will also mean a little bit (and I mean a very little bit) of extra income to help us pay off some things.

Aside from that, I am planning on renewing my membership at Brushy Creek Community Center so I can start working out again.  A sweet friend of mine gave me a massage for Christmas and came and watched the boys for me last Friday so I could go.  I was actually reluctant to do it — not because I didn’t think a massage sounded AMAZING, but because there are so many things I’d like to do if someone offered to take the kids for an hour.  I could read…I could give myself a pedicure…I could finally organize my closet or pantry in peace…I could go sit at Starbuck’s and blog or surf the web uninterrupted.  But, I went for the massage, and you know what?  It had a profound affect on me.  I realized how much I have been neglecting my body over the past year and a half.  She worked on muscles I had forgotten existed.  I kept thinking all the way through this heavenly massage, “OMG!  why haven’t I done this sooner??  I SO need this!!!!!”  It was a wake-up call to how I’m feeling mentally and physically these days.  I’m stiff.  I’m sore.  I’m grouchy.  I’m tired.  I’m overwhelmed.  But that’s all going to change.  To confirm what I was thinking, the massage therapist said, “Massage therapy is a gift to your body which awakens your senses to actually hear what your body is trying to tell you about what it needs.”  So true, Sister!  So, I’m heading back to the gym — this week!  I am only going to go twice a week at first.  I will drop the boys off in childcare and try to get on a treadmill or eliptical for 30-45 minutes and work up from there.  I’m so pumped.  I actually asked Thomas if he would want to get his membership renewed and we both took turns in the morning when we got up.  And he actually sounded like he was interested in doing that too.  This could be so huge for both of us.

What else?  Well, my Dad is doing much better and seems to be recovering from the surgery.  There are other things that are making me worried about my parents right now, but truthfully, due to some circumstances over the past couple of weeks, I am also letting that go and detaching.  I’ve realized that I’ve also been out of sync emotionally because I carry the weight of other people’s burdens too much.  Go figure!  Well, now I decidedly do not have the luxury of taking on other people’s problems — even if those other people happen to be related to me.  That is a HUGE step for me!  I hope I can retain this information and keep it secured in my hard head for future recall.  See?  Sometimes the psychologist we need is lying dormant deep within ourselves! lol

Aside from all that, as I said in my earlier post, we bought a minivan a month ago and sold my beloved Mazda 6 last week.  I am officially a soccer Mom.  I thought I’d never say this, but I love my minivan.  It is so roomy and makes going places so much easier.  I never have to worry again about whether or not I will have enough room to bring home groceries from Costco.  Life is good!

Anyway…it’s great to be back on here.  I’m realizing more and more that I need extra help and resources during my week, and taking this tiny little step today and hiring one of my teenage neighbors is a great first step in that direction.  I love being a Mommy (as I’ve said over and over again), but I cannot be a Mommy with no help.  I need some downtime.  I need some me-time.  On that note, here comes trouble.  Gotta lock and load.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement during these difficult last couple of months.  I’ve needed them!

Take care and enjoy your week!

End of an Era

by Amy | Jan 16, 2012 | mama confessions

I sold my beloved Mazda 6 today.  Just like that.  We bought a minivan 3 weeks ago before we headed up to K.C. for Christmas.  I love it.  I really do.  I resisted it, but now I’m so grateful we have something this roomy that we can get in an out of and it’s much easier with the kids.  I’m just sad that I had to let go of my little car.  I have always been one to get attached to my cars.  I have cried every time I’ve had to let go of one.  It’s ridiculous.  So, it’s gone.  gone gone gone!

More later about my attachment to cars and how they mirror my life stage and symbolize change for me.  Ridiculous, but true!

Beautiful day

by Amy | Jan 4, 2012 | mama confessions

Oh what a beautiful day…it’s 70 degrees and sunny! I love Austin this time of year. I finally downloaded an app that allows me to post from my phone. Maybe this way I’ll post more often.

Hallelujah!

by Amy | Dec 9, 2011 | mama confessions

My Dad had a successful operation this morning!  I’m so relieved and feel like I can finally breathe again.  It’s so strange how much this has weighed on me and the rest of my family over the past month, but it has definitely taken its toll.  I have been a nervous wreck thinking about it, but all went well.  He had surgery on his carotid arteries early this morning after he had a TIA (mini stroke) back in November.  The doctors originally thought it was about 50-70% blockage, but after they did the surgery they realized it was much more than that.  Thank GOD they got it in time and he can now just recover and we can all relax a little!

The way I feel now explains why I have been so down lately.  I was waiting for this, and even though I was continuing to live my life and take care of my household, I couldn’t shake the fact that my Dad was about to undergo a very risky surgery.  I’m so glad it’s over!

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been reminded about how life just continues to move on despite tragedy, sickness, loss of family members, world disasters, etc…  These past few weeks, all I’ve wanted to do is go within and quiet my restless spirit, but I couldn’t.  I had to take care of my children.  They needed to be played with, fed, bathed and no matter how bad I wanted it to, my world did not stop for a second.  In a way, that’s a good thing.  I would have worried myself into a frenzy had I had enough time.  But, I wish I could have been more present with my kids over these few weeks and not been so worried and uptight.  I also wish I would have been nicer and not so short with my husband or distant from my girlfriends.  I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t deal.

Anyway…that’s all I want to say today.  I’m at a loss for words (for once) and don’t have much to write other than the fact that I am very very very grateful that all is OK with my Dad.  I can’t wait to go up there and hug him and give him a big kiss.  I can’t wait to spend Christmas with my family.

A new day…a new perspective

by Amy | Dec 6, 2011 | mama confessions

This past week I was able to semi-look outside of myself and say, “Amy…you will be OK and tomorrow is a new day.”  After 37 years, you would think I would grasp this timeless truth and know that I’m not going crazy.  Well, maybe I am a little crazy.  But the point is, usually…in all my years of flipping out, I am fine the next day…or maybe, the next week…but, I’m always eventually fine again.  I may be changed by an experience or a mood swing, but in the end, I always seem to live through it.

I love what Tony Robbins says — that it takes being in a place of pain to make a radical change in your life.  This is sad but so true.  He uses the example of the 300 lb. person who has to buy two plane tickets instead of one because the seats aren’t big enough.  For me, the pain has been letting myself slip through the cracks.  I thought I was capable of enduring that.  You don’t realize how quickly and unnoticeably you can just begin to stop caring about yourself and your own needs until it’s already happened.  And, I love that Renee Trudeau points out that making self care a priority doesn’t have anything to do with pampering or pedicures or shopping splurges.  This is about normal everyday self-care.  This is about giving yourself a time out and putting all else aside in order to breathe and be and feel and unwind and regroup.

I just spoke with my wonderful friend and neighbor, Eleanor, and she mentioned to me how she makes Friday evenings her Mommy time.  After she gets the kids fed, she sneaks out of the house for some alone time.  She said that sometimes she just goes to Target…or Starbucks…or Barnes and Noble, but the point is, she’s alone.  I love that idea!  She also mentioned that when she stays home and tries to take time for herself, the downtime never happens and she ends up feeling frustrated and resentful.  Even if her husband leaves with the kids, she still looks around the house and sees things that are begging to be done.

This is SO true!  I always thought it was my anal retentive nature that needs everything a certain way.  That might have been the case before having children, but now, the issue has more to do with pressing things that absolutely, unquestionably need to be done.  When you have kids, you can’t let the laundry go (at least not for too long).  You can’t not plan what you’re having for dinner (at least not every night).  You simply always have something that needs to be done.  And, inevitably, when you’re trying to take care of your own needs, you will most likely (like my girlfriend Jenn) be faced with a sick kid, a pressing deadline at work, a babysitter who cancels or countless other things that demand for you to, once again, put yourself aside.

All that said, I love my life.  I do not say anything to complain, but merely to attempt to shed some light on how I must move forward and redefine what self care now means for me.  Like I said in a previous post, self care used to be things like manicures, bubble baths, going to the salon and getting my hair done, reading a good book or phoning a friend.  Now, I still enjoy those things, but self care must take on a new meaning for me.  Even if I can only grab it in 5 minute increments, I have to set aside time to breathe and recenter.  It’s like putting the oxygen mask on myself before I can put it on my kids. 

Throughout the months of October and November, I wrote gratitude lists at the end of all my posts.  I loved this, but now I am going to change things up a bit and start a project on self care.  For each post, I will attempt to list or state something I would like to do in order to make me feel better.  It’s like a commitment to writing morning pages from Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way.  My long time friend Sarah and I always used to send each other lists of things we should do to help zap a mean red day, so some of my goals might closely resemble that.

So, without further ado…

1. Today, I took time to make a yummy pot of chili for dinner tonight.  This feeds my soul as well as my tummy.  Can’t wait to eat it. 
2. I am writing this blog post while the kids are sleeping instead of picking up the house, putting dishes in the dishwasher or putting laundry away.
3. Tonight I will pick out a good book to start reading and it won’t be a self help book or a book about child rearing or babies.

Baby just woke up!  Gotta go!

Vhat is zees “Self Care” jou speak ahv?

by Amy | Dec 5, 2011 | mama confessions

I must admit, I’m finding this whole plight of “self care” rather difficult to employ right now.  Funny thing is, we’re talking about ME here — someone who never made two bones about taking care of myself in the past.  I never would have sacrificed my serenity, my work outs, my sanity, my rest, my hair color, my toe nails, my vacuum lines in the carpet for a date with the queen before I had kids.  But now, I’m finding it hard to obtain one MINUTE to myself long enough to even post in this blog!

I’ve written numerous blog posts over the past week that still remain in my draft folder.  Perhaps this one will too.  The problem is, I have never been able to finish writing one over the past few weeks without being interrupted by a child who awakes, losing my train of thought or merely falling asleep while writing.  And the funny part of it is, I’m very sad about it.  I want to write in this blog, dammit!  I want to do a lot of things actually, but this blog has been my place of healing, and I desperately need it to gain some clarity and hopefully insight into this wonderful chaotic life I’m living.  I hope people don’t ever think I’m using it as a brain dump, but admittedly, I think I have been doing that lately.  Oh well…sorry!

If you haven’t been following my non-posts or any of my posts before my non-posting, I recently took a telecourse entitled, A New Way of Being, and one of the classes really hit home for me on the topic of self-care.  This seems like such an easy shift.  In my feeble mind, I was thinking, “Oh yeah…I need to do that!” as if it was as easy as just deciding to do it and moving forward on the path.  That’s how life has always worked for me.  I decided I wanted to major in Music Education, so I did.  I decided that I wanted to travel abroad, so I did.  I decided when I was putting on few extra pounds that I needed to nip that in the bud and get the weight off, so I did.  In the past, I have decided to do a lot of things and done them.  This time, however, it is not so easy. 

(Let me interrupt my train of thought to write a disclaimer to those who may be reading:  I am not throwing a pity party or meaning to complain about motherhood.  I love my life and my beautiful children.  I am not depressed, although I might be if you read this post and write me a frantic email asking me if I am.  I am not regretting becoming a mother, although some days I would love the peace of a quiet house where I’m free to do whatever I want when I want.  There are people in this world who have bigger fish to fry than I do  and worse problems to deal with than sleep deprivation and lack of time.  I’m aware of that.  I am merely writing my stream of consciousness and hoping to gain some perspective while doing so.) 

OK, so now that I’m back to what I was thinking, I realize very clearly that I will not be able to finish this blog post either as my 3 year old is running around the house naked and screaming for joy as he just got of the shower with his Dad (his new favorite pastime) and my 6-month old just awoke from his very short (15 min) nap.  So, in an effort to quickly wrap things up, I will say that I am struggling with this thing called self care.  I don’t know if it exists for mothers…let alone, for anyone.  We work our fingers to the bone to make ends meet.  We work our butts off as parents.  We work too hard as singers.  We our a culture of butt busting, over extending, over engaging and non break taking.  And, ironically, we have it pretty good in comparison to former generations or other cultures who don’t have the luxuries we do. 

I will talk more about this later (ha ha ha ha) when I am able to get back here.  It’s an interesting topic that needs some investigating.  It’s certainly fun to imagine and dream of being a possibility.

lazy vs. busy

by Amy | Nov 27, 2011 | mama confessions

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write lately, but I just haven’t had it in me.  I have been oh so sleep deprived, and frankly, depressed.  I can’t quite put my finger on it really.  I’m enjoying my life tremendously.  I love my little clan.  Things are going well.  I just can’t shake this underlying numbness that has come over me lately.  I remember my girlfriend sharing with me that she felt the same way several months into her second child’s life.  She just felt like she was constantly in motion, doing something, but never feeling a sense of completion.  I keep hitting on the ever present subject of my Dad’s current state of health.  He’s doing fine…or, let’s put it this way, as fine as a guy can do when his carotid arteries are 50-70% blocked and he’s awaiting surgery to get them unblocked.  My mind isn’t really on that, to be quite honest.  If I didn’t have kids, I’d be fretting and worrying.  But the kids are keeping me pretty occupied these days.  So occupied that I don’t even feel like I have time for anything else — the local news, world news, figuring out my Android, folding laundry, putting away laundry, maintaining my hair (which desperately needs to be cut at the moment…and colored), having a conversation with my husband, sorting out my kids’ clothes and figuring out what is too small for them to wear, making my friend who just had a baby a nice meal for her family, offering a meal or two to a former student’s mother who is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. The list goes on and on…and on.

Truth be told, I’m a doer.  I’m not a be-er.  He he…I just noticed that if I didn’t add the hyphen, I’d actually be a beer.  Would that be so bad?  I think not.

No, but seriously.  I like to do.  I like to be busy with the things of life.  It gives me pleasure to do.  Being is for lazy people, right?  I’m not lazy.  I wake up early.  Always have.  Don’t like sleeping in.  That would be lazy.  Don’t like ordering food and eating it without actually cooking it myself.  That’s lazy.  Don’t like not having things done around the house.  That’s lazy.  See where I’m going with this?  Clearly, I need help for my condition.

This past week was Thanksgiving.  The week before that was Tate’s birthday.  The week before that was a visit from my Aunt and Uncle.  All of these occasions were supposed to be lowkey.  They were supposed to be easy and fun and not too involved.  They were all overly busy and left me with the feeling I had after my wedding day:  “All this planning and it flew by and I’m exhausted!!”  I overthink.  I overdo.  I am overwhelmed.  See a theme here?  I told my girlfriend the other day that I’m either on top of the world with clarity and accomplishment or I am complete train wreck.  There’s no in between for me.  There’s no middle of the road.  Is this the Leo coming out in me or what?  Who knows, but I think that’s why I had to take some time off from blogging.  I couldn’t get it together enough to blog this past week and a half.  My head has literally been spinning about my Dad.  There’s been so much to do and think about and figure out that I didn’t have one ounce of space left in this head of mine to blog, meet with friends, call friends, make a meal, do anything that I would normally be on top of.

We have one more day left of this Thanksgiving holiday.  So far, we’ve spent the past two days away from home doing stuff.  On Thanksgiving itself, I was just going to make a low key meal and ended up in the kitchen most of the day while my husband had to occupy my sons and keep them out of my hair.  It was a great meal, but I wonder if I would do it all over again knowing what I know now.  My husband and I enjoyed the meal, but my 3-yr-old didn’t eat much on his plate and of course, my 6-month old wasn’t able to partake.  So, we had a lot of food leftover, and by the time I was able to see the outdoors and get some fresh air, the sun had gone down and the beautiful day was almost over.  Still, it was a beautiful, memorable day with my little family celebrating Thanksgiving–despite the fact that my parents couldn’t be here and we couldn’t be up there.

On Friday, we got up and decided to go out amongst the crowds and see what kind of deals were to be had on Black Friday.  We ended up going to Target and IKEA and got a few good deals, but mostly just killed time.  By the time we got home, there wasn’t much of our day left to do anything with other than prepare dinner and baths and go to bed.

Today, we got up and decided to go look at cars since we’re quickly growing out of our midsized sedan.  Then we went for lunch and went to get our pictures taken after that.  Since we were already out, we decided to take our boys to the mall to see Santa Claus.  We had a good time there and didn’t have to wait too long in the line.  Santa was nice and my 3-yr-old got the chance to tell him exactly what he wanted for Christmas.  After we got done on Santa’s lap, my son continued to yell out, “Thank you, Santa!!  Bye!!!” from every angle until we were finally out of Santa’s ear shot.  I think he was just trying to win Santa over so he could make sure Santa got him that remote control helicopter he can’t stop talking about.  By the time we got home, it was already after 6pm and time for dinner, no bath and bed.  Where did the day go?  Where did the weekend go????  We were busy…but busy doing what?

I share all that to say, I wish it would be possible to actually slow down and enjoy this space in time without filling it up with busy-ness in order to not go insane.  I think we subconsciously create busy-ness in our lives in order to avoid what might come up if we were just sitting around with our families with nothing to do other than enjoy each other’s company.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like going out of the house and doing stuff.  I like preparing elaborate meals for the sake of tradition even if we aren’t with our extended families.  I like getting out of the house and being out and about doing things…seeing people…accomplishing goals and meeting friends.  But my mind always goes back to the question:  At what cost?  Am I missing something really big here?  Am I missing out on my deep desires and brushing off the call to stay home?  I’ve admitted before that I’m perfectly content being a hermit.  In fact, I am at my most comfortable place when I’m just sitting at home without an agenda.  I know a lot of folks who would go stir crazy if they were home alone all day long — let alone all week long — with just their kids and all their kids’ toys and messes and temper tantrums and meal times and story times and playing and laundry.  But me?  I like it.  I crave it.  I would be perfectly content being home on most days.  It would be so easy for me to be a hermit — too easy as a matter of fact.  But, I go out for the sake of my sanity and my kids’ sanity.  I know that I’m a better person if I leave the house and my kids are in better moods as well.

Anyway, I usually like to tie up my posts with something meaningful and reign all my thoughts in and pull the storyline together (ha ha), but tonight, I’ll leave it at that.  I just need to take some deep breaths and pray that we have some down time before the week ahead becomes hectic and then December begins and the holiday season is even more hectic and December ends and I wonder whatever happened to December.  My innermost being is literally screaming for some solitude…some space…some time…some rest…some down time…some me time…some unhectic, agenda free time.  (hey…I’m a poet and didn’t know it).  I don’t want to live this life…this oh so short little life…feeling crazy busy and hectic for no other reason other than just not being comfortable with being.  I want to find a way to stop, say an “om” and create peace in my life without feeling lazy and unproductive.  I want to capture memories with something other than a Kodak. I want to live my life and sip in and sponge up every little second of my day without avoiding silence…or chaos…or mundane tasks…or sitting and looking at my beautiful kids.   

This weekend, I’m grateful for:

1. walks around the neighborhood with my husband and kids
2. the prospect of a roomier Auto
3. being home this past week/weekend with no family visiting and nowhere we had to go
4. the clean carpet in my living room and front room because we steam cleaned this week.  No one better come near my carpet with dirty shoes!!
5. wonderful food and laughter
6. my babies
7. my wonderful husband who puts up with me blogging right now and not talking to him about cars
8. the cute pictures we got taken today
9. remote control helicopters
10. rain

Self-Care vs. Martyrdom

by Amy | Nov 21, 2011 | mama confessions

This past week completed the 4-week long telecourse entitled, A New Way of Being.  Since I started the class, I’ve been blogging and journaling here and there about some observations I’m having as I dive deep down and try to soak up all this information and self-analyze.  I was not anticipating having some of the reactions I’ve had, and I definitely didn’t think most of the content would even be relevant to me.  Isn’t that interesting?  Truth be told, my first reaction to the title of this course was, “I don’t have the time or resources for a new way of being!  I’m stuck with the way things currently are!”  That may be true to an extent.  I don’t have a lot of time on my hands with a 6-month old baby and a 3-year old boy, but I can certainly attempt to carve out some time and space throughout my day/week/month for some rejuvenation.  I owe it to myself.  I owe it to them!

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who are martyrs or who think they are merely victims of their circumstances.  Yet, over the course of the past 3 years, as I have had the sense of losing control of my day/week/month with no real end in sight, I have unintentionally and unconsciously become a martyr.  It creeps up on you slowly.  First, I resisted the fact that children are such time suckers.  When I was pregnant with my first child, I remember having thoughts about other people who had kids like, “Why can’t they just get a babysitter?” or “She needs to learn to set some boundaries!”  How judgmental I was of things I didn’t even understand.  I honestly thought I could carry on with my life, my career goals, my self-care just like I had in the past with a few minor adjustments.  I didn’t understand how friends of mine could let themselves go and speak of going days without showers or eating.  “That is absurd!” I thought naively.  When I was faced with the reality, however, that there would be no carrying on as I had done before; that days/weeks/months would go by without the oh-so-craved-and-sought-after sensation of productivity, I began to realize just what people (women, especially) were complaining about.  For the first time in your life, you are faced with the reality that you have NO control over your day.  For control freaks like me, this is a stark realization.  And those first few weeks and months of my first son’s life, I was bound and determined to prove everyone wrong.  I didn’t downsize ANYTHING!  In fact, I made my life more complicated and high maintenance.  I updated my website for weeks on end while nursing him, came up with business plans, worked on brainstorming different layers of my brand and amped up my marketing strategy.  I even hired a marketing intern to spread the word about my services to potential customers and went on a rampage to streamline my business and form a corporation and/or franchise.  Instead of reading books about baby development (which I did as well), I would read books about marketing and strategizing.  Clearly, my thoughts were on my business.  Was that wrong of me?  Who is to judge?  I was doing what I thought was best for me and my family at the time.  But now, looking back, I am amazed at my lack of awareness about how much my life had and was going to change due to this new little being.  I’m also amazed at what I most likely missed out on by not being present and in the moment with him when he was so little and why it didn’t occur to me that he wouldn’t stay that way forever as I was busy getting things done!

As they say, “Hindsight is always 20/20.”  I know that throughout my brief gig as a mother, I have wanted to be present.  I have even attempted to chastise myself when I would be sitting on the floor playing with my child while the pressing feeling to get up and do the dishes loomed over me.  I fight that every single day.  I think the thing that stops me from giving in so often now — especially with my youngest — is that I now realize just how quickly time actually does fly.

I don’t know.  I think everything really does need to be approached in moderation.  I mean, as I was going through this class and as I’ve read book after book and done journaling exercises on the subject of self-care and being present in your everyday life, I still come back to some of the same thoughts.  Yes, it’s great to put aside responsibilities and be present with your children.  Yes, it’s great to be in the moment savoring and enjoying every second you can.  But the reality is, at some point, dishes do have to be washed, laundry does have to be done, groceries do have to be bought and put away and eventually cooked and served.  For me, the balance has to be there, though.  Doesn’t it for you?  I love cooking fabulous meals with healthy foods for my family.  I love eating them, too.  But, let’s face it…some nights just have to be pizza nights or chicken nugget nights or breakfast for dinner or leftover nights.  I also love having a clean house with everything in its place.  This one has been a tough one for me to let go of.  I used to spend my son’s naptime picking up toys all over the house and cleaning.  I can’t do that now, because he doesn’t nap anymore.  And if he does happen to take a nap, I have a 6-month old staring at me with the cutest little chubby grin ready to play and laugh and be tickled (his favorite pasttime).  Do you think I’m giving that up to make sure my floor is picked up??  Hell to the NO!  So, the fact that everything has to be in moderation circles back around.  Of course, I’d love to keep a clean house.  And someday really soon it’s going to be important for me to have clean floors for my baby to crawl on and free of things he can pick up and put in his mouth.  But the reality is, my definition of clean has changed.

As for the “martyrdom” issue, I really think I need to step back and look at this one a bit longer.  I’ll try to blog about it later.  I think we all struggle with it don’t we?  And, what I’m finding is that I struggle with it more when I’m not taking care of myself and I’m continually saying “no” to my needs.

For now, I’m going to say that I’m grateful for:

1. the boys are in bed and it’s not too late.
2. we had a great weekend!
3. my Dad is feeling good.
4. it’s THANKSGIVING WEEK!!
5. even though my parents aren’t coming, we have some fun stuff planned together as a family this week!
6. Costco
7. my voice made me some $$ today for the first time in a long time.  We needed the money and I needed to sing!
8. my niece, Sage.  She is such a beautiful little girl who is quickly turning into a beautiful young woman.  I love her!
9. Pierogis. Discovered them at Costco.  Great solution for a quick dinner. Yum!
10. the fact that I’m not Catholic. God, those masses are long!

Zombie Mama

by Amy | Nov 17, 2011 | mama confessions

What is wrong with me?  I’m such a zombie lately.  I just got an email from a woman reminding me about a gig I have this Sunday cantoring for a Catholic mass.  I have a rehearsal tomorrow, and I completely spaced it out.  I’m so glad I’m not involved in any more things (at least that I know of) right now, or I’d probably be forgetting about those too.  It’s so weird.  I am past the newborn stage where you are given a free pass for being forgetful and too exhausted to do normal things like cooking, cleaning, showing up on time, etc…  My baby is now 6 months old.  I should be running a corporation by now and making my own bread, right?  I’m only kidding, but that’s how it feels.  Somehow, when your baby reaches an age where he or she is no longer a newborn and his poop goes from that mustard seed liquidy consistency to a more sturdy sweet potatoe puree consistency, there’s this pressure to get back out there and get moving with your life.  I don’t know who puts that pressure on me, but it’s there.  It’s a feeling very similar to getting over the flu.  People are sympathetic while you have the flu and possibly even a couple of days after the flu has left your system, if you’re lucky.  But then, it’s over.  Put on your big girl panties and get it together, Lady!  You’ve got things to do, places to go, people to see!  Chop Chop!

This past week has been especially draining and has made me take a step back and realize how much pressure I put on myself to perform.  Even though I quit pursuing performing as a singer years ago, and have since skimmed quite a bit out of my once hectic and busy schedule in order to raise my children and attempt being sane in the process, I still have this inner calling to pull it all together and reach far beyond my capacity and outdo myself and everyone else in a similar position.  I don’t consciously think I’m doing that.  In fact, I think most of our actions are subconscious unless we take a step back and answer some tough questions.  It’s not that I don’t want to be my best.  I want to be at my absolute best for my children, for myself, for my husband, for my family.  They deserve the best.  I deserve the best.  But here’s the deal, there is a fine line between being my best and burning a candle at both ends. 

Back in 2006, long before I was pregnant with my first child, my brain began doing some strange things and playing tricks on me.  I was teaching over 40 students a week, singing with a church choir, singing with Conspirare (a local professional choral group here in Austin, TX) and accepting offers for gigs here and there to make ends meet and gain more experience.  I knew I was tired, but I couldn’t slow down.  I was like a magnet in a jar of paper clips.  I just kept saying “yes” to every possibility out there, because GOD FORBID you say “no” to a music opportunity and not get asked to sing again.  Even worse would be turning down a potential new student — especially after having to work so hard to build up my studio.  Somewhere down the road, however, I started to unravel.  I would be sitting at a stop light and even though it was still red, my brain would say that it turned green and I would start to drive out in the middle of the intersection as cars coming toward me would honk and slam on their brakes.  I knew something was wrong.  I knew I had to get help.

Shortly thereafter, I sought therapy with a provider through my husband’s work.  I got 8 free visits, and I began talking to a counselor every week for an hour.  Throughout the course of our time together, I discovered that I was taking on too much.  I was working my butt off, but I couldn’t breathe.  My body was shutting down.  Worse yet, my brain was shutting down.  I was given the diagnosis of Adult ADD.  She pressed for me to get on some form of prescription medication, which I did for a while.  It helped for a time, but the inner problems I was dealing with did not go away.  I was still striving for the ungettable get.  I was still trying to overachieve and outdo.

Later that year, I started graduate school at the University of Texas in San Antonio.  This forced me to take a step back from a lot of my singing gigs back here in Austin and cut my studio in more than a half.  Three times a week, I would drive down to San Antonio, TX from my home in North Austin, spend the day down there attending classes, studying at the library, practicing in the practice rooms and then turn around and race back home in order to teach a few students in the evening.  I did this for nearly two years!  But it wasn’t until I got pregnant upon my last semester while writing my master’s thesis and preparing for my recital that I realized how much I was pushing myself.  I had a miscarriage within 8 weeks of finding out I was pregnant in January 2008.  As if that weren’t bad enough, I lost my voice completely and still had a graduate recital to perform.  At that point, everything had to be weighed and prioritized.  Things that were unimportant quickly went by the wayside.  I started doing acupuncture and drinking herbs and finally regained my voice and sang beautifully in my graduate recital.  Looking back, I can’t even believe I managed to pull it off.  It was truly a miracle!  Not even 6 weeks after my recital, we traveled to Vienna, Austria to see my husband’s family before I was to begin my next gig with Conspirare.  While there, I found out I was pregnant again!  We were so happy, but yet, there was still much to accomplish before obtaining my graduate degree. So, once again, I found myself rushing and fretting and scurrying to get things done.  When we returned from Vienna, I was beyond sick.  I could hardly stand.  For the first time ever, I called in sick for a gig.  Fortunately, I was let off the hook and did not complete my contract based on the fact that I was worried that I would have another miscarriage.  I caught a little bit of flack from some of the other singers, but I knew I had to do this for me and for my child.  I’m so glad I did!

Wow!  How did I go all the way down that road?  I didn’t mean to divulge so much.  Sorry! 

Early last year, a girlfriend of mine shared with me some information about a local author and life coach she worked with.  I ended up attending one of her workshops on being an “empowered entrepreneur” and bought her book entitled, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.  Man, did I EVER need that book!  When I opened up the book and started reading the first few pages, I remember feeling this sense of inner peace and self love that I hadn’t felt in a long time — if ever.  I had always been so hard on myself and was constantly looking for a new challenge, that I wasn’t able to stop and just let myself BE.  What struck me the most is that I could get away with this self-loathing behavior as a single person or a married non-Mom, but I absolutely couldn’t let myself get away with it as a Mommy of a growing baby boy! 

I’m still processing all of this and need to read and reread that book as I continue to steer my way through this journey into self care and self love, but I will say that I’m making some valid attempts.  This A New Way of Being telecourse taught by the same person is causing me to stop and think, yet again, about who I am in all of this and what am I doing here?  The last class is tomorrow, and I’m so looking forward to tuning in — even though I wasn’t able to really be present in last week’s course because of all that was going on back home with my Dad.  I really want to inhale tomorrow’s course and let it sink in.  I would really love to just let myself be transformed by this whole idea of skimming off all the excess weight — whether it be my own thoughts, my perception of my own responsibilities, things I have committed to (or overcommitted to) and how I look at myself.  I shared with the telecourse group a couple of weeks ago that I needed to let go of ridiculous expectations in order to achieve a new way of being.  However, that posed a problem because deep down I actually like being a perfectionist and going above and beyond — even if it nearly kills me.  That’s a tough habit to break. 

Now for some audience participation:  What things do you do that sabotage your efforts to slow down and enjoy your life?  What thoughts do you have that reinforce old patterns and keep you from a new and better way of being?  Are you a perfectionist?  Are you always striving for the next challenge?  Are you quickly bored when you are faced with a day with nothing going on other than being home and spending time alone or with your kids?  Do you find yourself trying to fill up your calendar but then being overwhelmed by all the obligations?  What’s keeping you from creating space and time for yourself or quiet time for your family in your calendar?  Are you gentle with yourself or are you always beating yourself up and feeling like a failure for one reason or another?

Today I’m grateful for:

1. having an outlet for my rambling
2. being authentic — even if it’s not always pretty, nice or fun to be around, I am who I am and I like that about me.
3. the fact that I’m learning to let things go a bit more.  (Example:  I am in bed writing this and the house outside of my room is a disaster)
4. cooler weather is coming
5. the boys are in bed
6. I managed to make a meal tonight. 
7. even though I don’t see it, I’m getting things done.  Little by little. Day by day.
8. the fact that I’m growing more and more tolerant of unshaved legs
9. the fact that I’ve read so many self-help books in the world, that I can easily recall passages that help me on command.
10. the fact that I’m going to bed.  RIGHT NOW!