by Amy | Oct 14, 2011 | mama confessions
I wish I could get in the habit of doing the things I need to do on a regular basis. I know so many other people stick to habits every day — whether good or bad. I can’t seem to get my act together and get in the habit or routine of doing anything. I would love to work out. I would love to BLOG. I would love to plan our week’s meals. I would love to do our budget. I would love to organize my photos. I would love to do a lot of things that I can’t seem to find a way to do. But here’s the thing…WHY am I so hard on myself? I am a Mommy of 2 sweet little boys under the age of 3. Does anyone in my situation figure this out? And if so, who are they?? What are they like? Are they control freaks and anal retentive like me? Do they also vacuum the living room and kitchen come hell or high water because the dust balls and food remnants simply gross them out too much to “let it go”? What is it about me that desperately needs these things to be done and yet, I can’t ever find a way to do them?!
Today, I had an agenda. I’ve come to realize that my agenda rarely works out. However, today it could have worked out, but I just didn’t care enough to make it work out. Both boys napped for quite a while, and right now, both boys are asleep and it’s only 10pm! I have a list a mile long of things that need to be done: Laundry, organizing photos, budget, car cleaning, phone calls and emails that need to be made, etc…but the thing I’m slowly realizing is that that list NEVER ends. I could literally run myself ragged and I would still have things looming in the air that need to be done. I was even proud of myself today, because I was able to realize when I put Julian down for a nap this afternoon that Tate really needed me to spend some time with him. Normally, I would rush around and let him sit in front of the t.v. and feel guilty but still plug away at laundry or whatever else is on my to-do list. But today I said, “Let’s read a book or two” and we had the BEST time and laughed until Julian woke up. I thought to myself, “I need to do this more…” The problem is, if I do that every day, nothing will ever get done. The truth is, someone has to cook; someone has to clean up; someone has to do the laundry and so on. But I don’t want to wake up someday when my kids are 8 and 6 and both in school and think to myself, “You wasted those precious young years of their lives worrying about the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes, the stains on the counter and the stupid budget!”
aughhh…even now as I write this I’m uptight because I have this sinking feeling that I will lie my head down on the pillow and someone will wake me up as soon as I fall asleep.
The true curse of a mother is never having the feeling like anything is done. It’s true. I never would have imagined that to be the case, but it’s an awful feeling. And even if you do feel like you are on top of things, you will usually quickly realize you are not when something unexpected happens.
Today was a good day. Both boys were in a good mood. Julian turned 5 months old!! The weather was beautiful. I was able to clean the kitchen (somewhat). I cooked dinner and was able to vacuum the living room and kitchen. Don’t judge me! Laundry will have to wait til tomorrow (if then) and if I’m lucky, I might get a chance to finish my vacuuming frenzy and get all rooms done. Mopping should also happen this weekend, but I’m not going to hold my breath. I spent good quality time with my boys today. We went for a walk with Casi this morning, then went to the library for storytime. Tate got stamps on his hands for storytime and we checked out some cute Halloween library books and a tractor dvd. I took Julian’s 5 month pictures and some turned out really cute. I was able to play around with Quicken and get a little closer to actually keeping track of our finances. I may have one of my strollers sold as of Sunday and I got an appt to have Casi bathed tomorrow morning. A lot was accomplished today. It’s not what I would have accomplished without having to take care of two kids, but who am I kidding? Some of my days were less productive before I had children to unravel my folded laundry or spit up all over my freshly cleaned shirt. Maybe it’s that whole theory that when you’re under the gun, you get more done. I certainly think that’s true for me.
My point is, I will have plenty of time to have clean floors, adorable Halloween decorations, organize my photos and have a garden. Now is not that time. I have two amazing little boys who I get to have by my side for such a short time in life. I pray I can love on them more and find a way to strike a balance between taking care of the house and spending time with them.
by Amy | Oct 9, 2011 | mama confessions
Today was a good day. Thank God for such a good day! We slept in a little (til 8am), had scones and headed out to the farmer’s market. We got the chance to try out our new stroller (which the boys LOVE) and buy some organic veggies. We then headed back home, talked to Granny and Brumpa on Skype and were able to get some things done while having fun with the boys. We were all in a good mood. The boys were so much fun and so sweet all day. We had our typical ups and downs, but it all worked out because we rolled with it. The best part was that the boys were so pooped out that they both went to bed by 7:30pm. This NEVER happens!! We are lucky if they are both asleep by 10pm. So we put in a movie and caught up on all of our missed episodes of Modern Family and Private Practice, drank wine and sat on our computers. How romantic, huh? I think we are unable to grasp the concept of even starting something frivolous for fear that they will wake up. Hopefully, we’ll get over that someday. At any rate, it was good to do a little house cleaning on my computer and just sit back and chill for the first time in ages. I hope we don’t regret it at 3am when the boys are wide awake because they went to bed so early.
Regardless, today was a good day.
We also hit some major milestones:
- Julian ate cereal for the first time and loved it! He’s been grabbing at my plate and watching me eat, so I just attempted it and thought he may not like it. He had 3 little bowls of rice cereal before he started spitting it out. Yay!
- Julian slept in his own bed tonight. I have put him in his own bed many times for naps and started him out there at night a few times, but this is the first time he is actually sleeping by himself in his own room and his own crib! We’ll see when he wakes up and how long that lasts…(doesn’t hurt to dream)
- Tate is telling us that his diaper is wet/dirty and is asking to be changed. He also pottied on the big boy toilet without us even asking him to do so.
- Tate didn’t even attempt to take a nap today.
All of these milestones just go to prove that time goes by so quickly — esp. with kids. Just when you think the days are getting monotonous and ho-hum, they up and change things on us.
I miss my Grandma.
by Amy | Oct 7, 2011 | mama confessions
I don’t think I ever knew what the phrase “strung out” meant until I had children. I’m not even throwing a pity party here. I love being a Mommy! It is the most rewarding, beautiful experience I could have ever imagined. To see these little faces and be able to teach them and love on them — it’s truly the best!!! But, I’m SO tired! I can’t even begin to explain what this kind of tired feels like. I think the tired is exacerbated when you add sickness, family death, long trip to Kansas City in a small car and our wonderful children’s erratic sleeping habits. It’s just never-ending exhaustion that doesn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t even know if there is a tunnel. I’m too tired to get that analogy.
Well, that was a nice 2 minutes of writing before Mr. Baby just woke up to the sound of my typing. Geez! Why isn’t there melatonin for babies?
by Amy | Oct 6, 2011 | mama confessions
Come hell or high water, I am going to find a way to blog today. I am just coming down from a weekend of seeing family and celebrating the life of my Grandma. We got back home on Monday night, and I feel as though I’ve just been walking in circles trying to make sense of it all. What I’m most baffled by is that I didn’t seem to ever have enough time to even think about how much she meant to me until now. I mean, I don’t have regrets. I called her often (like a good granddaughter should). I sent her cards for Valentine’s Day, Halloween, her birthday and Christmas. I visited her when I was in town and made a point to go see her at the nursing home when I was up there a few weeks ago. The visits were becoming more and more grueling…I won’t lie. I literally fell apart when I saw her at Christmas. She wasn’t the same. She knew who I was, but she was quickly preoccupied with the stories in her head and trying to make sense of the words she knew in a huge effort to make a sentence. It wasn’t easy to see her go downhill like this. Yet, somehow, I was swepted away by my own life. I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty about that. We are all caught up in our own little worlds and happenings. I had my second baby boy in May of this year, and he and his big brother have been my top priority. I thought of her often. I even got teared up quite a bit when I would remember old times and fun conversations I had had with her. I only wish I would have written all the stuff she said down. She was so funny! But, as much as I thought of her, the time and effort it took to call the nursing home seemed to overwhelm me over these past few months. Heck, everything has been overwhelming! I was able to talk to her briefly the week before she died. She still knew me and we talked for several minutes, but the words were making less and less sense.
Anyway, I said all that to say that I’ve been deeply moved this week about life and the way things truly are. You are born, you grow, you live a (hopefully) long life and you die. There’s nothing more to it. And no matter how much you might try to remove yourself from that, the realization that death doesn’t discriminate is evident everywhere we look. I would never say that I take anything for granted. And yet, somehow, I thought she would be around a lot longer. She became, as they say, part of the scenery. She was just always there.
Without letting myself go too far off the deep end here, I need to just shed some extra weight on my mind. I don’t know how to do it, but this blog will hopefully help me unleash some of the things that have been holding me down and tieing me up. First of all, I don’t know why I can’t just live my days and enjoy them without being worried about all the things that need to be done. I hate that about me and I want to change it. Second, I want to actually find a way to get those necessary things done so that they aren’t bogging me down anymore and develop a system that allows me to have more freedom in my head. Third, I want to enjoy the people in my life and let them know more how much they mean to me. It doesn’t take much to pick up the phone, write a letter or send an email…and yet, somehow, days and weeks go by and I just get lazy.
Here are some things that are super important to me that I want to see myself/my family find a way to make a part of my/our life:
- Make a budget and start setting money aside (so I don’t have to feel guilty about what I spend anymore and we can start looking forward to doing things together without worrying)
- Start working out again (even if only twice a week)
- Eating even healthier, flavorful foods and cut back on eating out (see budget)
- Planning and doing fun things together (instead of worrying about money, the house being clean or the laundry)
- Breast reduction (OK, that’s a long term goal)
- Get my photos organized and printed and hung up on the wall and put in albums (enough putting this one off ALREADY!!!)
- Move back to Kansas City (another long term goal)
- Find a good church where we feel like we fit in and the kids have a wonderful Children’s Ministry to attend
- Start singing again
- Get a bigger car
OK, I know I’ve left some things out here, but this is a good start. I have several “hard copies” of this list looming around my house, but it’s just enough already. I’m tired of walking in circles. I’m tired of not having clarity and wishing things were different. Things are too good to feel dissatisfied. I now realize that the discontentment comes from just not having clarity and order. I know people say “just enjoy this time…it’s so precious”…blah blah blah…I do enjoy it! But that doesn’t mean I can’t make some necessary changes so I can enjoy it more. When you have two little ones under the age of 3, you start to realize that you can’t just wing it anymore. For instance, I used to think up what I was going to make for dinner 5 minutes before I started making it. Now I have to know that day if I have all the ingredients nearby, because it’s not as doable to just jump in the car and run up to the store. I also need to know when and how I’m going to do our family budget (for instance, Wednesday evenings at 10:30pm) so that it actually gets done.
by Amy | Sep 29, 2011 | mama confessions
How would I have known that I would already have to write about such difficult subject matter as I am about to write about tonight when I started this little ol’ blog?
My dear, sweet Grandma, Madelyne Irene Pilgrim, passed away late this afternoon at the nursing home where she has been living for the past year. She was diagnosed with severe dementia last August and has been staying there undergoing treatment ever since. She died suddenly and unexpectedly this afternoon while sitting at a table. The nurses there said she went peacefully and quickly, which I guess is more than we could have asked for. We knew her diagnosis was not good, and we all feared the worst back then. However, she progressed and was receptive to physical therapy and medication, so we were all pleased and led to think she may outlive some of us after all.
Where do I begin? I don’t even know how to start writing about this. I’ve been grieving for a long period of time now. Initially, the grieving process began when my sister walked in my Grandma’s house to find her lying face down on the floor after she’d fallen off the couch the night before. From there, things just got progressively worse when she was admitted to a psychiatric ward and then eventually moved on to John Knox Village where she was able to stay until she passed away. My grieving had to happen mostly from afar since I live approximately 700 miles away, and I have a young, very needy clan of my own to attend to every day. At first, I felt the lack of her presence and understanding in our phone conversations. She would drift or not hear me or misunderstand what I was saying. Many times, she would call me by my mother’s name or refer to something that was completely irrelevant to the conversation. Then, I felt the sadness that came with not being able to pick up the phone and call her whenever I wanted to once she was living at the nursing home. Then, I missed not hearing from her or getting a card from her on our birthdays or at Christmas. To me, it has been as if she was already gone in many ways for some months now. Today just finalized things and made everything more concrete. She’s gone. I won’t be able to talk to her or see her at all anymore. She hasn’t been herself for some time, but at least she was still here. The thing is, I feel both sadness…utter sadness and such loss, but I also feel relief that she is finally up there in heaven, free of the pain she was going through physically and mentally. She hated being in that nursing home because it wasn’t her home. She referred to those people as “nuts” and wanted to go home every chance she could. In fact, she was very angry that she couldn’t go home. I don’t blame her. I would have hated being in that environment too. But, there wasn’t a choice. No one could have taken care of her the way they could there.
Anyway, now we can all rest in knowing that she is probably up there looking down on us while reuniting with Papaw and having a good ol’ time! But I don’t think I’ll ever get over the lonely feeling I feel down here without her presence on this earth. And boy, did she ever have a presence!! She was a hoot in more ways than one. She was flirtatious, witty, outgoing, loud and the life of the party when she wanted to be! She could also be extremely stubborn, withdrawn, anti-social, moody, self-centered and a downright pain in the ass when she wanted to be too. Of course, I rarely saw the negative side of her. After all, she said I was her “favorite” and I could do no wrong in her eyes. I was her firstborn grandchild. She had five more after me, but she and I shared a special bond. I’m not even trying to be facetious when I say that (although I’m sure I’ll catch grief from my sisters if they ever read this), but we were really close in a lot of ways that I don’t think the others shared. Before she entered the nursing home, I talked to her almost weekly and before I had kids, I talked to her sometimes even more than that. We shared recipes, stories and talked a lot about all kinds of different things I wish I could remember now. I remember her consoling me over break ups with boyfriends or difficulties with girlfriends and the joy of having my first child. Her advice was intentional, usually quite simple and wise.
I’m sure I will think of a lot more to write about her as things come to me. Right now, I feel exhausted and overtaken with emotion.
by Amy | Sep 29, 2011 | mama confessions
For years I’ve been attempting to blog, but have never quite been able to get started and stay consistent with it. For me, it’s a lot like journaling, but it just seemed a little to complex or frilly — and there’s always the privacy issue. But lately, I’ve been really intrigued by starting up again and committing to it. I don’t know if it’s due to the fact that I just can’t seem to find time to actually sit down and write manually in a journal or that there are some ideas, some personal journeys, some trials and some joys I’d simply like to share. So, last night, I decided I would start blogging. I actually began to write in a blog I had previously opened with another account, but then there was this whole 3 1/2 year gap with that blog that made me uncomfortable. How do I take the same blog with all that time and space in between the first post and the current post and just start back up without having to go back and relive everything that has happened in 3 1/2 years?! That’s just me. So, after copying and pasting the following from that blog (below), I will now start a clean slate and begin a new blog which will hopefully be cathartic for me and potentially fun to read for others with absolutely nothing else better to do.
Tuesday, September 27th, 2011
I’ll begin with just saying that I love my little clan. We just got done with a bad stomach virus that literally wiped out each and every one of us one by one. I would stay we’re still not 100% back in biz, but we’re getting there!
My almost 3 year old is saying some pretty funny things as of late that I’d like to share before I forget to write them down:
1. Today he wanted a piece of candy corn and a “black candy” (brown peanut M&M). I gave him both and then he tried to get another one out of me. “A green one now, please,” he said. I said he had to wait until after lunch and he said, “NO! I want it now!!!! A GREEENNNNN one!!!” I stood my ground and said, “I’m sorry, but not until after lunch!” Then he said very seriously, “I want to hit somebody!” (this is exactly how I feel when I don’t get my chocolate fix!)
Anyway…I had to get that out there for now and just get started writing. I promise to be a little more interesting the next time I write and hopefully eventually find a niche that suits me. For now, I’ll leave it at this and say “Good night!” It’s been a long, sick weekend/week and I’m ready for BED!!
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