Don’t you love it when you learn something completely unexpected from a situation you’ve been placed in?
This week, my husband’s job took him out of town for the first time ever. I was excited for him, but somewhat overwhelmed by the idea that I would be alone with our two children, ages 4 1/2 and 2 for three straight days. I realize this is nothing for many women out there, but for me, this was huge! My husband helps out so much, and truthfully, I don’t even want to use the word “help” because he really is one of those husbands who voluntarily shares the responsibility of raising our children. He does work outside of the home during the week, but when he is home in the evenings, he does a lot with the kids as well as around the house.
I knew I would miss him, his presence and his help while he was gone, but one thing I did not realize was how much I needed him to leave us alone for a few days for me to gain some much-needed perspective. Let me explain by backing up just a bit…
I am and from as far back as I can remember, always have been, addicted to ambition. Now, that doesn’t mean I’ve always been successful. I’ve failed at a lot of things in life for sure. Whew, have I failed! But I truly am a creative soul who loves to pursue, to be challenged, to contemplate, to work at things, develop ideas and do. I love doing. And there has always been something about tapping into my creativity that has given me so much joy and inspiration. I crave it. I need it. I love it!
I put off having children for a long time for this very reason. I knew that having kids would put a temporary hold on my creative endeavors and ambitions, and I wasn’t ready for that. When my husband and I did finally settle into the idea of having kids, I was 33 and finally felt somewhat satisfied with all I had attempted and been successful at doing up until that point. I was ready to just (ha!) be a Mom and see where that road would take me.
Over the past 4 1/2 years, since my first son and then the second son were born, I have really not been able to shake this ambition gene. Even when I would tell myself that the whole career thing didn’t really matter to me and my kids were numero uno, I always knew deep down that there was a huge conflict going on inside of me. I often felt the pang of disappointment when I had to turn opportunities down, and more than once, I was caught off guard by other people’s successes and how they would make me feel. Even though I absolutely loved my children and knew that I had chosen to be a stay-at-home-but-still-sorta-working Mom, I always still felt the tugging of the life I once knew and the validity it gave me and the struggle I faced with having to live on the outskirts of it all.
These past few months, my mind has been literally spinning. I can now take a step back and look at myself in perspective, and I can honestly say that I’ve probably seemed most like a hamster on a wheel. I’ve been running…and running…and running, but in the end, I kind of feel like I’ve arrived nowhere for it all. I’ve been continuing to try and keep my feet wet and working odd and poor paying jobs to keep the money flow, connections and perhaps even a little prestige. I’ve paid good money to have my vocal studio logo and website revamped, even though, when I was honest with myself, I felt strongly at the end of last year that I had lost my passion for it while trying to raise two little boys. I started a new endeavor with this website and have spent countless hours formulating business ideas surrounding the idea of it, but have dropped the ball on many occasions out of sheer exhaustion and overwhelm. I spent another moderate chunk of change getting certified to lead personal renewal groups for women and most recently, I signed up to be a distributor for a product my family and I use.
Truth be told, all of these endeavors are great ones. And I also love singing and reading and cooking and would love to take up sewing and quilting and photography and a good Bible study and beading and. the. list. goes. on. I love the “how-to” section of books at the library. If I allowed myself, I would take home and read through every single one of them. And learn how to. I have a very curious mind that wants to know a lot. It’s a blessing. And a curse.
But here’s the deal…all of these “pursuits” have taken SO much time and focus away from my kids. And I didn’t even realize it. Until this week. Sure, I knew that I was longing for time…that precious time we mothers never get. But when they both went off to preschool 2 days a week, I still felt time-deprived. 1:30pm almost ALWAYS came too soon. I was actually relieved when they got out of school last week, because then I didn’t have to think about efficiently using that TIME anymore. Then there were the weekends. Those longed for weekends when we dreamily imagine that the husband is going to come in on a white horse, swoop up the kids and deliver us from our duties so that we can pursue other, more exciting things outside of wiping snot off of couches, scraping playdo off the floors and folding laundry. But that time would fly by as well, and many Sunday nights were spent silently (or sometimes not so silently) pouting that nothing…nothing I had anticipated accomplishing…had gotten done even after my husband had taken the kids out of my sight for hours on end, to give me: TIME.
In my heart of hearts, I knew that all of this was a choice I had made. I had chosen busy. I had chosen hectic. I had, in essence, chosen my creative endeavors and ambition over being present and raising my children well. I always justified this in my mind by saying that everything comes with a price tag and we have to sacrifice some things in order to gain others, and it was good for them to learn that other people can care for them besides me, and it was important that I had me-time…blah blah blah…, but I knew, deep down, these were all lies I had told myself to justify all the busy-ness…the busy-ness that didn’t include them.
Oddly enough, even when my oldest son went through some pretty serious medical issues a few months back, I was jolted but still not moved enough to really change the way I did things. I knew that I needed to be present and it gave me a sense of feeling like I didn’t have any control, but I still plunged ahead allowing my mind to spin even more aimlessly trying to achieve, to accomplish, to make something happen.
Stay with me as I come back full circle to this week. My husband is gone for a few days. I’m home with the kids alone. I have no other option than to pull the plug on all other endeavors and just be with them. There is no light at the end of the tunnel when the hub finally gets home and relieves me of my duties. There is no other standby to take over when I’m feeling like I JUST CAN’T HANDLE THEM ANYMORE!!! There is just us — the 3 of us (well, 4 if you count the dog…and I do). We’re going through good times and not so good times. We’re here. We’re in the moment. We’re together. And it’s oh so grand! We’re playing with cars and trucks and doing puzzles and playing games. We’re taking long baths and reading books and eating popcorn and playing with playdo for long stretches at a time without me feeling the urge to clean it all up so the house can appear like kids don’t live here. I’ve let dishes go. I’ve let laundry go. I’ve let emails go. I’ve skipped on the extras and kept things to bare essentials. I haven’t thought a bit about my ambitions and aspirations. And I like it. Not only that, but my oldest son has noticed a change in me over the last two days. After our fun day today, he looked up at me and said, “This has been really fun, Mommy.” I knew what he meant. He meant that having me without interruption…without other priorities on my to-do list…having my full attention and interacting with me was “really fun” and it meant a lot to him.
The fact that he noticed this made me completely satisfied and content and completely and utterly sad at the same time. Why? Because I’ve let myself be consumed for far too long with all of these unimportant, mind-cluttering things. I’ve sat my oldest in front of a dvd far too many times throughout his 4 years of life so I could “get something done”. And what did I accomplish? Well, I probably got a few things done, but mostly, I probably just wasted some precious time I could have been playing with him on the floor and hugging and cuddling and kissing that sweet, precious face, and even sadder, I’ve subtly taught him that he wasn’t one of the most important things in my life! How tragic is that?
Now, I’m not saying that taking “Mommy Time” is wrong or sometimes even much-needed and well-earned. We all need a break…or two…or three. And I’m also not implying that working Mommies should feel guilty. Many of us really need to be bringing in a 2nd income, and yes, that requires some sacrificing and hours of time not spent with our children every day. And for some, ambition and creativity can be carefully contained and balanced with motherhood. But, for me, I know I’ve let this idea run a little too far, and it has been a very slippery and treacherous slope. I also have an incredibly supportive husband who allows me to make decisions that will impact him and the kids without ever saying much or protesting the huge responsibility it leaves with him. He trusts me to have good judgment with what I sign us all up for, so perhaps I’ve allowed myself to indulge in my endeavors and quests a little too lavishly and take on things that don’t really matter…and perhaps at my family’s expense. And in so doing, I’ve missed out on some quality, present time with my “littles” as my friend Susan calls them, so I could perhaps selfishly pursue…achieve…accomplish…and feel satisfied with my life…and have it all. And frankly, post-epiphany, this all makes me physically ill. I mean, seriously…what could be more important than being absolutely present and involved with the very children who came out of my own womb?! Wake up, Amy!
So, my friends, I think you have met a new woman in the making. So long, odd jobs! So long, commitments that don’t involve my children! So long, pursuits and drive and ambition for things that eat at my soul and take me away from my littles. Their little time is fleeting. I have the rest of my life to be ambitious about other things after I’ve been ambitious about being with them and raising them to the best of my God-given ability! Yes, this is all a balancing act. I, too, have to take care that I don’t go to the other extreme and lose my grip on reality by not doing things I enjoy from time to time. But my goal is no longer to suit my own needs and aspirations. My current goal is to see that I really know and experience my children and they really know and experience me; that they are raised and taught by me about Christ; and that they experience the selfless love of God through me. If I can’t give them that, who can?
Disclaimer:
Two years ago, a post like this one would have made me furious. Anyone ever heard of women’s lib? I can bring home the bacon…fry it up in the pan! And you know what? I am fully prepared that it will bring out some fury in some readers out there who are living their lives to the fullest and raising their youngins to the best of their ability with no guilty conscience whatsoever. This is not about you and your family. This is about me and my family, and what God is doing in our lives and my conscience. As they say, live and let live! Whatever your path, I implore you to do it to your utmost ability. If your path is that of a hard-working Mommy who needs to bring in a second income, do it. If your path is to be a single Mommy who has to go to school and work to make ends meet so your kids can be fed, you are my HERO! If you are a stay-at-home Mommy who longs for craft night with the girls or a spa weekend away from the kids, that is YOUR right. If you are a Facebook or Pinterest addict who puts her kids in front of Yo Gabba Gabba to get a moment of inspiration in between changing soiled sheets, go for it! I am not here to convict others about how their time and energy are spent. I am simply stating what God has laid on my heart and what is convicting me.
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