by Amy | Feb 24, 2019 | mama confessions
This morning I woke up a lot like most mornings here lately. I have been feeling really uncertain about how I should be living, working, creating, parenting, wife-ing and how I should proceed in just about everything I’ve been doing up til now.
Truth be told, I’m super frustrated with being in limbo. I know there are possibilities, but I’ve felt stuck and uncertain for far too long.
This past weekend, I was supposed to have performed with Conspirare and the Austin Symphony in the Brahms Requiem at the Long Center here in Austin, TX. However, the week prior to a long week of rehearsals and two back-to-back performances, I came down with a viral infection that zapped my energy, then my voice and later, my lungs.
I was really bummed out and emotional about not being able to perform, but the whole incident caused me to take a step back and evaluate what I was really doing with all of this and where it was taking me. I’ll explain:
Up til 2016, when my husband and I went through our “crisis of a lifetime,” working and trying to continue singing wasn’t high on my list of priorities. Yes, I missed singing, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shot through the heart every time a former colleague would post their singing experiences in front of me on social media. I know. I shouldn’t compare myself to others. But it was hard. However, I felt I had adjusted nicely to the role of stay-at-home-and-pour-everything-you’ve-got-into-your-kids Mom. I really embraced it actually. And I didn’t want to jeopardize that role with any endeavor that took away from them — even if it meant sacrificing a huge piece of me — singing!
Fast forward to now. I now have 3 youngish kids. I say youngish, because they aren’t babies anymore. They are 10, 7 and 5 and able to put on their own clothes, wipe their own butts and sass at us if they don’t like what we’ve asked them to do. In many ways, it feels like we’ve achieved a certain level of freedom after 10 years of being in the baby phase of being up all night, changing diapers and toddlers walking around trying to kill themselves and destroy everything around them. But we aren’t out of the woods just yet. As much as I would love to sing and be a part of amazing, creative ventures out there in the world, my role as a mother to these kids is far more important (and in many ways, urgent) than the role I play as a singer.
There are so many ideas on this, and I don’t wish to be controversial. I know we women have as much of a right to pursue our dreams and goals as men do. But I think we, as mothers of young and even youngish children, have a special, and very important mission: To train our children in the way they should go. And I also feel that this time we are required to do that goes by so quickly. Why miss out because we have a right?!
So, here’s my current goal: to honor God in raising my children in the way they should go. Even if that means putting aside my dreams and goals or pursuing those dreams and goals on the fringe of our lives and not during prime time hours of our days or weekends when they are home, still under my roof and really want to be with me. Call me soft. Call me a wimp. Tell me anything you want to tell me about how I should do what I have been gifted to do. But I know what I know. And that is that God has gifted me with these 3 beautiful children I love with all my heart. And if I trust God with His will for my life, I know He will make it all work together for good if I do my job as a Mom to the best of my ability.
For me, that means not spreading myself too thin. It means saying “no” sometimes to things I’d love to be a part of. It means sacrificing my dreams for His higher purpose. And don’t be fooled into thinking working Moms who do it all aren’t sacrificing something. It all comes down to what you’re willing to sacrifice, right? If I’m out there pursuing my dreams as a singer, I may be doing what I want to do and filling my cup in some way, but I’m also sacrificing being there for my kids who still need me to be there for them. I sacrifice time away from my husband. I sacrifice a peaceful home. I sacrifice rest.
So, anytime you’re tempted to believe that the women out there who are “doing it all” actually “have it all” without sacrificing some pretty important things, stop for a minute and really think about it. Then break down what it looks like for you to pursue your dreams at this moment.
The best advice I got recently when I was lamenting over this was from an elderly friend who also had a singing career prior to having children. She said that she never regretted taking the time off from singing to raise her children. But she would have really regretted not being there for her children — even if it meant singing on the greatest stages in all the world.
I believe her.
by Amy | Feb 24, 2019 | mama confessions
This morning I woke up a lot like most mornings here lately. I have been feeling really uncertain about how I should be living, working, creating, parenting, wife-ing and how I should proceed in just about everything I’ve been doing up til now.
Truth be told, I’m super frustrated with being in limbo. I know there are possibilities, but I’ve felt stuck and uncertain for far too long.
This past weekend, I was supposed to have performed with Conspirare and the Austin Symphony in the Brahms Requiem at the Long Center here in Austin, TX. However, the week prior to a long week of rehearsals and two back-to-back performances, I came down with a viral infection that zapped my energy, then my voice and later, my lungs.
I was really bummed out and emotional about not being able to perform, but the whole incident caused me to take a step back and evaluate what I was really doing with all of this and where it was taking me. I’ll explain:
Up til 2016, when my husband and I went through our “crisis of a lifetime,” working and trying to continue singing wasn’t high on my list of priorities. Yes, I missed singing, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shot through the heart every time a former colleague would post their singing experiences in front of me on social media. I know. I shouldn’t compare myself to others. But it was hard. However, I felt I had adjusted nicely to the role of stay-at-home-and-pour-everything-you’ve-got-into-your-kids Mom. I really embraced it actually. And I didn’t want to jeopardize that role with any endeavor that took away from them — even if it meant sacrificing a huge piece of me — singing!
Fast forward to now. I now have 3 youngish kids. I say youngish, because they aren’t babies anymore. They are 10, 7 and 5 and able to put on their own clothes, wipe their own butts and sass at us if they don’t like what we’ve asked them to do. In many ways, it feels like we’ve achieved a certain level of freedom after 10 years of being in the baby phase of being up all night, changing diapers and toddlers walking around trying to kill themselves and destroy everything around them. But we aren’t out of the woods just yet. As much as I would love to sing and be a part of amazing, creative ventures out there in the world, my role as a mother to these kids is far more important (and in many ways, urgent) than the role I play as a singer.
There are so many ideas on this, and I don’t wish to be controversial. I know we women have as much of a right to pursue our dreams and goals as men do. But I think we, as mothers of young and even youngish children, have a special, and very important mission: To train our children in the way they should go. And I also feel that this time we are required to do that goes by so quickly. Why miss out because we have a right?!
So, here’s my current goal: to honor God in raising my children in the way they should go. Even if that means putting aside my dreams and goals or pursuing those dreams and goals on the fringe of our lives and not during prime time hours of our days or weekends when they are home, still under my roof and really want to be with me. Call me soft. Call me a wimp. Tell me anything you want to tell me about how I should do what I have been gifted to do. But I know what I know. And that is that God has gifted me with these 3 beautiful children I love with all my heart. And if I trust God with His will for my life, I know He will make it all work together for good if I do my job as a Mom to the best of my ability.
For me, that means not spreading myself too thin. It means saying “no” sometimes to things I’d love to be a part of. It means sacrificing my dreams for His higher purpose. And don’t be fooled into thinking working Moms who do it all aren’t sacrificing something. It all comes down to what you’re willing to sacrifice, right? If I’m out there pursuing my dreams as a singer, I may be doing what I want to do and filling my cup in some way, but I’m also sacrificing being there for my kids who still need me to be there for them. I sacrifice time away from my husband. I sacrifice a peaceful home. I sacrifice rest.
So, anytime you’re tempted to believe that the women out there who are “doing it all” actually “have it all” without sacrificing some pretty important things, stop for a minute and really think about it. Then break down what it looks like for you to pursue your dreams at this moment.
The best advice I got recently when I was lamenting over this was from an elderly friend who also had a singing career prior to having children. She said that she never regretted taking the time off from singing to raise her children. But she would have really regretted not being there for her children — even if it meant singing on the greatest stages in all the world.
I believe her.
by Amy | Mar 19, 2018 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Yes, my Friends. This, right here, is my first official blog post for my new little site, and I am simply ecstatic about what’s to come! I have held off on actually writing here, because I wasn’t finished with the site’s set up and I don’t even have a logo yet, but I know, by just doing it, all of these things will come! The point is to just start, right? And then the ideas and everything else will follow. That’s usually how it works for me. I rarely have a great idea unless the ball is already rolling. So this is me…rolling that ball. And here it is, my first blog post in it’s raw, unpolished state.
So, here I am. Strong coffee with frothed creamer in hand. I set my alarm and woke up at 4:30am to be here and begin this journey, because I knew it would be a slow start and a rocky beginning. It’s never smooth sailin’ and fun to start anything new, is it? There’s always awkwardness and quite a bit of stumbling that goes along with opening up your computer and writing those first few words. And, of course, at 4:30am, nothing really seems to flow very well.
So, why 4:30am? Most people are somewhat horrified by this hour. What’s the magic behind this time, you ask? Well, you see…I have always been a morning person, but I’ve never been a very disciplined morning person. I used to wake up around this time, and just lie there in bed wondering why I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes, I’d just lie there. Other times, I might get up and scroll through Facebook or Instagram until I got up and around. But most of the time, I was completely unproductive…until I got a job, that is. This job required me to get out of bed at 3:30am so I could be ready and out the door by 4:40am and at work by 5am. As grueling as it sounds, that routine literally transformed my morning routine. Sure, I cried all the way to work my first 2-3 weeks at that job. But after the initial shock and horror of getting up wore off, I was fine. And the truth is, I actually enjoyed it and felt a little superior to already be up and at ’em while the rest of the world was still hitting their snooze buttons. And so…even after leaving that job, I still love waking up early. It gives me that slight edge and helps me set the tone for my day before all the distractions and noise start to creep in. Glad we cleared that up! 🙂
This past week was our Spring Break. We started off the week with sickness that made rounds to everyone in our family except for me and my daughter, but we ended up having one of the best weeks of our family’s life. It was simply divine. We watched movies. We played outside. We went camping for a night at Lake Whitney State Park. We went to the Silos in Waco on our way back home. We attended a worship service at The Church on South Congress on Sunday morning and had amazing ice cream at a food trailer called Manoli’s. When we got back home, we went down and introduced ourselves to our new neighbors — a young couple who were painting their kitchen cabinets in their garage. We instantly exchanged phone numbers and ended up texting back and forth all evening. If anything, this week taught me that 1. Staying home is great, but… 2. Getting out of the house is amazing. 3. My family can adjust to anything and have fun. 4. Being home too much means too much technology. 5. Exploring and being out and about is for sure what makes us most happy. But we need a budget for that! ha.
Seriously, though…I am a homebody by nature. My tendency is to avoid leaving the house at all costs. There’s always just too much to do at home. Too many things to be cleaned, organized, repaired, cleaned, folded, put away, prepared. I never seem to actually feel the FREEDOM to leave my home. Does this resonate with anyone out there? We feel like we can’t go anywhere until all is done and we are free and clear in our minds? But the problem I’ve learned is that we’re never fully free and clear. We never feel like all is done at home. There will always be laundry piled up. There will always be an uninspiring pile of dishes in the sink. There will always be messes lying around. And sometimes ya just have to leave it all and get out of the house for a few hours. That was me today.
And in our family, here’s what happens when we pile into our dirty, old, but very reliable 2004 Toyota Sienna: The weight of the world immediately lifts off of us. Our task lists melt away. Our technology stays at home. We start talking. We start laughing. We start singing. Our moods lighten. We are mesmerized by adventure and exploration. And we have such a great time together. And here’s the thing: We’re ALL craving it. We need it like a plant needs water. Adventure is in our blood.
My husband and I shouldn’t be surprised by this. After all, we have always loved to explore and try new things. That’s what drew us together in the first place. Our very first date was going to a brunch place in Vienna called “High Tea”. In order to go there, and have a beautiful table to brunch on with comfy high back chairs to sit in, you had to reserve the spot weeks in advance. So that’s what Thomas did. I had never heard about it before, but true to fashion, my then “new friend” now husband had read about it and wanted to check it out. He is still the same now, by the way. Always looking for new places to “go check out.” That’ what I adored about him then and it’s what I adore about him now. He always wants to try new things and do new things. It’s in his blood.
Thomas, my husband, is from Vienna, Austria. But he also spent the first 10 years of his life in Stuttgart, Germany. His Mom and Aunt, twin sisters who were given up for adoption as young babies and adopted by a sweet couple in Thallern, are from a region known as Niederoesterreich (Lower Austria) along the Danube where they have no shortage of vineyards and fruit trees. Thomas’s father is from the German-speaking part of Czechoslovakia and he fled with his mother and grandmother after the war to Austria. Thomas was the only child to parents who knew no real place called “home”. And like his parents, Thomas never really felt at home where he lived. When he was in Germany, he was considered to be the Austrian, and when he and his family moved back to Austria, he spoke and acted like a German.
I, on the other hand, am from Lee’s Summit, Missouri just on the outskirts of Kansas City. I grew up there all my life, but never really felt like it was my home home. Does that make sense? My parents would laugh and say that I was adopted or switched at birth, because I always longed for something different and I never really fit in with our family or with the people we knew. I always longed for close friendships, but they always seemed out of reach for me. I always longed for people to connect with, but my best attempts at connecting felt contrived and forced. That’s when I realized I needed an outlet. My outlet was playing the piano and singing. Both of my parents grew up just miles away from our family home and their parents had also grown up close by. Never in my life did I know about foreign lands or have the desire to explore them. I just knew I loved music. And music led me to meet new people, try new things, go to college, travel the world and end up in Vienna, Austria.
So, why then…why am I tied to a house in Austin, TX with an endless supply of tasks that keep me weighed down when there is a world out there that we want to see and explore? Why are we trying to “keep up with the Jones’s” by constantly taking care of a house that we do love, but one that also keeps us from really living the life we want to live?
I’m actually really trying to navigate this in my life. My goal this year, in 2018, is to find a way for us to live simply at home so that we can be more mobile and do more. I don’t want to have a million things I need to do at home. I want to spend time with my family exploring the world around us. I want to go places, meet people, eat different foods, have experiences that enrich our lives. I don’t necessarily want to be tied to a home with a huge yard and tons of responsibilities. Part of me thinks we need this and the kids need the stability of a home and a community. And I agree that all of that is really important, too. But the other part of me just wants to explore the world with my family and wake up in a new place from time to time. But where’s the happy medium? How do we find this balance we so desperately long for in our lives? No wonder the song, “No Roots” is a huge hit in our household. We really don’t feel anchored to anyone or anything except for the Lord. In essence, we have that gypsy spirit that feels bogged down when we get too committed or feel like we have been somewhere for too long.
So, that, my friends, is where I am this morning. Thinking outloud about how to navigate this world and raise our children responsibly but still show them what the world has to offer.
As I type this, there are news stories of bombs being left in packages on people’s doorsteps all over Austin. Nowhere is safe. In the news, you hear of school shootings in schools where you’d never suspect a demented teen was plotting against his classmates. Nowhere is safe. So, why then, are we trying to live safe lives in our own little safe communities and not really living and going and doing things we’ve always wanted to do? I’m done playing safe. I’m done not living out in the world because there are dangerous people. I’m ready for something new. Something fresh. Something good. Something beyond my imagination.
No roots, Baby…let’s do this!
by Amy | Feb 14, 2015 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Every time a moment like this happens, I think to myself, “I need to write this down.” But then, shortly thereafter, the moment passes and the gumption to record its effect quickly fades.
So, here’s the deal in a nutshell. I’ve been feeling low. Like wayyyy low. And I want to say that I prayed about it and God quickly rescued me out of that low and helped me feel better, but something even sweeter happened. I prayed that God would show me what he wanted me to do and lift me up.
Today I got a call from a woman who is my mentor mom in MOPS. I had hesitated to call her and talk to her about how I was feeling because for me, it’s easier to hole up and deal with things alone. the problem with that method is that I end up feeling more alone and sometimes more conspired against in the process. She, in her own sweet way, told me specifically how my life impacted the group. She told me about my bright light and my gifts that are integral and so necessary for the group to thrive and function.
Not even an hour later, I just happened to get a notification on my phone that someone had written me a private message through our church’s social network, “The City”. The message was from a person in our RLG at church who I barely know. She told me she really enjoyed hearing my point of view and how “passionate and articulate” I am. She said she wants to get to know me better and talk, because she enjoyed hearing me talk so much.
Hearing both of these things within an hour was one thing, but hearing them after I’ve undergone so much pain and sadness throughout the past few months was like an incredible healing salve that immediate soothed and healed the pain. It’s as if I never had any pain to begin with. I’m amazed by these very specific affirmations about who I am coming from two people within a short time span. It’s not just a self-esteem booster either. That would not have the healing powers that these words had. These words were specific. They affirmed what I could only hope I am putting out there and made me realize how unique and individual we all are and how unique and individual our gifts and abilities are. If I had not heard those words today, I would probably still be lingering a bit in my pit of despair and thinking about how I don’t belong. Instead, however, I have a new spring in my step today. I’m confident. I’m breathing. I’m living. I’m loving.
These women may never know the impact they had on my spirit today. I needed their words more than they could ever imagine. That said, it makes me even more conscientious about all the people who need my specific words of affirmations in their lives.
by Amy | Jan 1, 2014 | mama confessions
I have really been avoiding posting on this blog over the past few months. It’s not because I didn’t have anything to write about. I always have something to write about. But I have avoided it because I haven’t been consistent with it like I’ve wanted to be this year, and like anything, once you stumble off the wagon, it’s really hard to get back on. I’m a perfectionist in the sense that I hate being inconsistent. In my mind, if I can’t give 100% and be really good at something, I don’t want to do it at all. But therein lies a real tragedy: We don’t end up doing anything! That’s me.
So, here I am again. Inconsistently blogging, and I highly doubt, with a baby on the way this week, things will change anytime soon. But I’m vowing that, in 2014 I’m going to be OK with that. I’m also going to be OK with attempting other things I can’t do 100% — homeschooling my oldest, cooking dinners, keeping the house clean, keeping up with laundry, corresponding with friends and family and the list goes on and on.
Over the past few weeks, as I’ve had some down time awaiting our newest addition, I’ve had some time to reflect on this past year, and I really want to share this with you and how much God has blessed our family through some unforeseen, challenging circumstances.
Our 2013 started out just a little rocky as we dealt with medical issues surrounding my son Tate’s unexpected seizures and brain inflammation in November 2012. We were, at best, coping with all the information we had been given, all the questions, all the upcoming appointments and procedures, and perhaps more daunting, all the medical bills. I can’t exactly put into words the sense of overwhelm we felt as parents of a young boy who had medical issues with no diagnosis and no treatment in sight. We sought out alternative medicine in the form of chiropractic care, herbs and acupressure in addition to making countless phone calls with specialists at the children’s hospital on his behalf, contemplating all the possible reasons he was going through what we was going through and giving him medication that was merely a bandage for the symptoms he was having while witnessing the side effects they caused him. We prayed. We went to appointments. We neglected other areas of our lives. We attempted to put on a happy face and shuffle through life like a normal family even though nothing about how we were feeling and thinking was normal.
As our year progressed, the initial shock and disruption subsided and we were able to assume a new normal in our family. This normal was a lot like our previous normal — only it involved watching our son’s every move, having weekly conversations and visits with doctors and giving my son his medication and acupressure treatments multiple times a day. We adapted. And so did he. No diagnosis was ever given, but we were elated that he was doing well and his seizures seemed to go away completely.
In addition to my son’s issues, we’ve been concerned about our extended families and some other situations going on with them, our own finances — which took a huge hit from all of the medical bills and expenses surrounding that, my vocal studio’s lack of enrollment, my lack of time and energy to do anything about it, and therefore, that lack of income, a sad, unexplained situation with our church which led us to another church, normal sicknesses and other every day occurrences that you don’t even think twice about unless you are already feeling pushed over the edge. Oh yeah, and finding out we were expecting another baby!
In many ways, our lives were no different than anyone else’s life this year. Everyone has his/her very own set of trials, joys, concerns and challenges. Just while trying to write this post, I realized that my site had been hacked and while my content was still there, the design of my website has been distorted. I mean, COME ON! But I digress…
I said all that to say, despite 2013’s challenges, I am so grateful for this year. It has taught me a lot personally, and it has helped to mold and shape our little family in ways beyond my imagination. We are still growing…we are still being molded and shaped, but we are stronger for having gone through all of this. Life has not been perfect, and since I am a perfectionist by nature, it has helped me to let loose of my tight grip and come to terms with all the imperfections. It doesn’t mean I don’t still get caught up in the day-to-day frustrations of my house not being as clean as I’d like or not having it together. I’d still like to be able to prioritize and manage my time a little better and get more done. I’d like to attempt to find a balance in my life between spending quality time with my kids and continuing to take care of myself so I can be the best Mommy I can be and earn a stable second income as well. These are all of my hopes and goals for 2014. I want to figure some things out. I want to learn the balance, but be content with the lack of balance I will experience on most days with 3 kids under the age of 5. I want to enjoy life and cherish every moment.
Happy 2014!! May this be a blessed year for us all 🙂
by Amy | Nov 28, 2013 | mama confessions
Oh how I’ve missed blogging. Like singing, it is my lifeline! And yet, time and energy has evaded me over the past few months, and it has fallen, among many other passions down the list of priorities and things to do. But, with a new baby on the way, and so many things going on in our lives, I am determined to fight through the sleep deprivation and do this — even if it’s just a grammatically poor one-liner that says how things are going!
So, here’s the deal…I woke up this morning, on Thanksgiving Day, feeling surprisingly content and rested and just happy to be alive. I don’t know why that doesn’t happen every day, and I really don’t know why I haven’t noticed feeling this much contentment in the past, but right now I am swimming in it. And I believe I know why.
Over the course of the past few months, I’ve been literally inhaling a book I just happened upon called “One Thousand Gifts”. I hadn’t heard anything about the author before, but I took a risk and downloaded it on my kindle. Since then, I have absorbed every word and gulped it down like a chocolate mocha with whipped cream after a 30-day sugar fast. I can honestly say that I have loved every minute of this book, and when it was over, I was so sad because I wanted more of it. This book has taught me things that I knew to be true deep down, but it made the truth a reality to me that I could grasp and act upon. Thank ya, Jesus!
The main thing I have gathered from it is learning how to be grateful and content…or how to practice Eucharisteo, as she puts it. Eucharisteo is a term that is literally the act of gratitude for what you have and how that act alone can open up God’s hands and help us to experience Him and know Him more and, in essence, change our lives. However, contrary to what I have been living and experiencing throughout my life, contentment is not a feeling, but an expression of obedience. In other words, I don’t have to feel contentment in order to practice gratitude. Quite the contrary. I choose to be grateful and that self-inflicted gratitude begats more gratitude, and before long, I am present, and in the moment, and I am oh so content.
I wish this was a philosophy of life that was shared more often. Every November, we are prompted to be grateful as we approach Thanksgiving, but I fear that few of us (including myself) ever know what that truly means. Like everything else, being grateful has become trite and trendy. You see posts on Facebook about things people are grateful for, and I don’t mean to knock that down, because I love reading them. However, I now believe true gratitude is much more than just counting all of the things we’re grateful for during one month out of the year. Gratitude…true gratitude, that is…encompasses our very being throughout every day of the year and changes how we act, think and feel at any given moment. It changes our lives. It changes our outlook. It changes our relationships. In other words, as great as it is to actually have things to be grateful for, the Bible says in Philippians 4:11, “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” It’s not about what we have. It’s about our attitude about what we have.
Whew! Now that’s a game-changer.
So, here I am, sitting here in the dark at 6:30am in my living room. My parents just arrived last night from Kansas City to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. I have 5 weeks to go before I meet my precious little baby girl. Everyone is sleeping but me and the dog. And I am content…oh so content. And I like me this way. Not only that, but I want to capture this feeling and keep it in a jar and take it out everyday — especially on those days when I am more prone to living the opposite. I don’t want to be the way I’ve been anymore. Discontentment brings about true and utter ugliness for me. And here are some things I am learning to let go of (even if painfully slow):
- Being grouchy and irritable. Because grouchiness is a form of discontentment. Something isn’t quite right, and everyone’s gonna know about it.
- Being a perfectionist. Because perfectionism is a form of discontentment. It means there’s always something that could be done better.
- Being a complainer. Because complaining is a form of discontentment. If I complain, I’m not content.
- Being critical. Because criticism is a form of discontentment. If I criticize, I miss out on contentment.
- Being envious. Because envy is a form of discontentment. If I envy, I am not happy with what God has given me.
You get the picture. These ideas seem obvious, but they weren’t for me. I knew, before reading this book, that I wanted to change, but I didn’t know what it required of me. I didn’t know it was right within my grasp. Now I do. And I thank God I do.
Recent Comments