Ahhhhh

by Amy | Aug 6, 2012 | mama confessions

Our little family just had one of the best weekends EVER.  And you know why?  Because it wasn’t about anyone else but us.  How often do we do that?  Usually our weekends are packed with chores around the house, errands to run and the infamous birthday party to attend.  This weekend, we decided to do whatever we wanted to do.  We’re not taking a vacation this summer, so we wanted to enjoy our weekend here in town and live life to the fullest.  How great did that feel?!

We started out our weekend going to dinner on Friday at Manuel’s (one of our favorite spots) and heading from there to Costco to see one of our favorite employees there — Daryl Mann, the crab guy.  He always works on Friday evenings and we have really grown to love him.  What’s that saying about how often we go to Costco? lol  But seriously, this guy is a GEM!  He is a late 50’s and very loud black man who works full time at Costco in their meat department selling fish, lobster, shrimp and crab.  But his real passion is preaching at his all black church in east Austin.  He invited us to come once and hear him preach, and so we did!  It was a real treat!  Tate loves him and always asks to go see him.  He is truly one of ours.  We love him dearly!

The next morning, we got up, ate breakfast and headed out to the Rock’n River Aquatic Center in Round Rock.  What a cool place!!!  I don’t know why we haven’t been there before, but we had a blast.  This will definitely be a place where we return again and again with the kids.  They had a lazy river with tubes you could lie on and float.  They had water slides and zero entry pools for kids with water fountains and splash pads.  And there was a HUGE playscape in the middle of it all with water splashing out of it on every side.  It was so much fun!  I don’t know that I could ever handle both kids by myself there, but it was a blast as a family of 4.  We brought our own lunch in a cooler, so we had stuff to eat.  Then, when it was looking like the kids had had enough, we cleaned up and headed home.

Once we got home, we cleaned up, rested a bit and headed back out later in the afternoon to Driftwood, TX to our favorite winery.  We knew that they were having a special evening where they allowed people to stay later and watch the sun set, so we packed up and headed there.  It was about an hour away, but so worth it.  Once you get up the big hill, you quickly notice how the venue overlooks the vineyard and the Texas Hill Country.  There were also food trucks there, so we were able to have dinner and drink a nice bottle of Chardonnay.  They are actually more known for their Voignet, but it was sold out.  Hopefully they’ll have some the next time we go back!

This morning, we got up and went to church and had lunch afterwards.  We pretty much did nothing today, but it was still fun and relaxing.

Ahhh…does it have to be over!?

Thank you, God, for this beautiful weekend with my precious family.  We needed a stress-free, all about us weekend to rejuvenate and restore us.

Now, what’s on the agenda for next weekend?

Heavy Heart

by Amy | Aug 4, 2012 | mama confessions

Man, I try so hard not to use this blog as a brain dump or venting session.  After all, I have my journal for that.  The problem is, I rarely have time to sit and write by hand in my journal, and sometimes, I think we need to let ourselves be more authentic.  So…here I am.  I come before this blog post and I lay it all out there.  This is your chance, if you are less inclined for the deeper parts of me, to run and go read someone’s post on Facebook or Twitter.  Or, by all means, write your own post or do something less involved.  This post is not for the faint-hearted…in other words.

Well, they say your emotions, your creativity, your perception of life, etc… is most raw when you wake up in the morning.  If that’s true, mine are super raw.  It is 5:58am as I type this!  I was awoken by my sweet boy who needed to nurse and then fell back asleep in my bed.  But, I couldn’t fall back asleep with him.  My back was killing me and I apparently just have a lot on my mind.

You see, I just had a really awful encounter with my sister this past week.  It wasn’t the first time.  And it was out of the blue and undeserved.   I don’t want to go into all the details, because they aren’t pretty.  But what I do want to get out is how this, and so many other encounters with my family, make me feel.

For years, I’ve tried so hard to keep the ties to my family alive — even though we haven’t lived in the same city for over 12 years.  Really?  Wow!  That’s a long time!!  If you know me, you know that there’s a HUGE…and I mean HUGE part of me that longs for home and wants to move back, so I can be closer to them and they can know me and my family better.  In the back of my mind, I guess I’d like to hope that this would help our relationships with one another and perhaps help me to feel more grounded, knowing that I had my family nearby.  They are all pretty tight-knit.  They get together for birthdays and holidays still.  My parents really know my sister’s kids.  They all seem to know what the other person would want for their birthdays and every detail about the other person’s life.

Truthfully, I go back and forth.  Sometimes, I feel really glad that I’m far away.  When you are closer to your extended family, there’s more opportunity for drama.  When I hear about something from afar, it’s much easier for me to block it out and only see the good in my family.  (Drives my husband NUTS!)  But, somewhere deep down, I’ve always thought that my life would be easier if I could just be closer to them.  For one, my kids would grow up knowing them.  And more importantly, we wouldn’t be forced to drive 12+ hours to KC every time we wanted to hang out with them.  But, I think the bigger reason lies in what I’m about to say.

You see, I’m a misfit.  I always have been the odd bird in my family.  And I don’t necessarily take pride in that fact, although some might think it’s a virtue.  I’m the oldest of 3 girls, and I always just had my own way of doing things that were so contrary to the way my family did things.  Maybe part of it was contrived.  But, as I look back, I think the biggest part of it was just who I am.  I was particular about my room and extremely organized as a child.  My sisters were not.  Even as a five-year-old, I would have enough sense to think ahead about what I wanted to wear the next day and lay it out on the floor, down to every single detail, the night before.  My sisters did not.

As the years have gone by, I became even more of a misfit.  After I partied my way through high school and one year of community college while working for various real estate companies and retail stores, I decided I wanted more out of life.  Thankfully, I had angels along my path that were sent to help guide me and show me where I was to go.  I say that, because I really…

SIDENOTE:  Oh my gosh, the funniest thing just happened.  I laid my baby down in my bed and put pillows around him next to my husband, so he couldn’t fall out.  Well, as I was writing just now, I heard little footsteps coming down the hall.  Apparently, he got out by himself (and it’s a high bed) and came in to the living room where I am without even waking my husband up.  Little Houdini!  lol

Anyway…you get the gist.  I went on to study at a university conservatory, decided I wanted to sing classical music, and meanwhile, got my music ed degree.  That was, perhaps, the first big indication that I wasn’t like the other members of my family.  Somewhere along the line, after a few failed relationships, I realized that I needed to be in charge of my destiny and not wait for Mr. Right to come along and rescue me.  I then decided to test the waters and attempt to live in another country and learn the language while pursuing my art.  (I’m really trying to wrap this up, but it’s necessary for background info…lol)  Before I left to move to Europe, my sweet niece was born.  I was so enraptured with love for her, that I almost cancelled ALL plans to move away.  It tore my heart out leaving that little bundle of sweetness and moving to a place I had never been with no familiar things or people around me.  I wrestled with this day after day, but I knew it was what I had to do for me.  I knew there was nothing in Kansas City for me anymore.  I knew it was time to move on.  So I did.

I spent 4 years in Vienna before finding Mr. Right and eventually moving back to the U.S.  Once again, I found myself fighting hard to go back to my roots and touch ground.  But it wasn’t in the cards.  Something tells me, as much as I longed to be closer to my family, that I must not have wanted it or felt I needed to do it badly enough, because usually, if I want my way, I know how to get it.  This time, I didn’t get it.  We had both agreed and decided upon moving to Austin, TX to get started.  My husband wanted to pursue his MBA at UT, and we both liked the infrastructure of the city and the seemingly endless possibilities for us here.

Over the years, I have continued to pursue the thought of moving back home.  My husband has looked into job possibilities there and let his coworkers and manager know that he was open to transfer if the opportunity came about.  Especially after having kids, I’ve realized the importance of being closer to family and wanted to, once and for all, make the move.

Last year, my Grandma died.  She had been diagnosed several months prior with Alzheimer’s and placed in a home.  At that time, it hit me really hard how quickly time was fluttering by and how serious we needed to take this move.  But something happened.  Something shifted within me after she passed away.  I no longer felt like I needed to move back home to be with her.  She would now forever be in my heart.

Some things also happened this past year with my parents.  My Dad had a stroke and surgery on his carotid arteries at the end of 2011.  He has  been struggling to get back on his feet financially and trying to get the house they currently live in sold.  Meanwhile, my youngest sister has been going through her own string of health problems.  It’s all been very disconcerting and scary.  I have been up in arms about what God has in store for all of us.  And my need to move back became even more urgent.

But then it hit me, what could I do if I were there that I can’t do here?  Nothing.  I mean, sure, I could go by and see my parents and offer help selling their house or cleaning it out (as my sisters have attempted to do).  But, most likely, I’d find myself just as frustrated as they have been with the issue.  And who is to say that I’d be happy there, after all?  I can’t say that.  I wasn’t happy before when I lived there.  Why would I be happy now?

Meanwhile, God has really brought me some great friends here over the past couple of years.  More and more, I’m finding that I am so content here with my little family and my wonderful friends…and I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention TEX MEX!  But seriously…something has caused me to really take this place a little more seriously with regard to long term.  And I like it.

I think deep down, my parents would like to think that some day we will move back there.  I don’t really have the heart to tell them that the odds are stacked against it.  It doesn’t make it any easier though.  They just came to visit and they are never able to stay very long.  The drive is excruciatingly long and this time, they did it without a/c in their car.  I felt bad for them!

But, I also know that I have to live my own life.  While I love my parents and my sisters, their part in my life has diminished as my own family has increased.  Now, my responsibilities are to my husband and my kids.

So, why am I posting about all this?  Because it sucks!  It feels lonely to know that these people with whom you once spent every waking moment, are now part of your past and not your future.  I think it’s just now sinking in.  Sure, we’ll still see them and make attempts to drive up from time to time.  But now, my real investment is in my family here.  In this home.  In this life.  Anything else is hard…unnatural…contrived…draining!

For so long, I’ve wanted both worlds to meld.  To mesh.  For my former family to be a huge part of my new family.  In many ways, they are.  In many ways, they are not.  For years, I’ve contemplated whether moving closer would help things to mesh a little more, because maybe then I’d feel like things were complete…like things have come full circle.  Somehow, in my mind, life might make more sense if my two worlds could collide and be one.  I actually envy people who seem to have this.  I especially get nostalgic and envious when holidays and special occasions come up and I’m not able to celebrate with both families.

But truly, for me to live my life to the fullest and love my current family as much as I humanly can, I have to get over this.  I simply HAVE to!  It can no longer be as much as a whimper at the end of my tongue.  It has nothing to do with my love for my former family.  They hold a very near and dear place in my heart, and they will always be a part of my life and who I am for as long as I live.  But, I cannot let their behavior toward me and my new family, their choices, their very real problems, their MO (that currently doesn’t mesh very well with mine) bring me down, affect my moment, my day, my week, my life.  In other words, I can love them, from a distance, but I don’t have to like how they act.  I don’t have to accept the dance we’ve always danced.  I don’t have to let it sink in and grip me and cause me to feel the need for therapy…or for a colon cleanse.

After all, it takes a LOT to be happy and positive nowadays.  I need every ounce of energy I can muster to take care of these boys.  If something drains me, continuously, of energy and drive for living and doing all the things I’m here on this Earth to do, it has to be, even if only temporarily, put aside…filtered out…laid down to rest.  I’m tired.  I’m drained.  I’m exhausted from the output without receiving any input.  I never give to get back, but every now and then, it’s good to get something back…even if only a tiny morsel.

So today, I want to (once again) hug and kiss my children a little harder and hold my husband a little tighter and reach out to those wonderful friends God has placed in my life who love me unconditionally for who I am without requiring me to change for them.  I love the quote:  “We love those who we understand.”  But, you see, family relationships break that rule.  With families, we must love because we are blood regardless of understanding.  That no worky for me.  I need understanding…or an attempt to understand.  I need people in my life that are slow to judge but quick to love.  And you know what?  That’s the type of person I want and hope I can one day be.

We love who we understand, and we are naturally drawn to people who help to validate who we are and/or challenge us to be better people.  They say, “Thank God you can choose your friends…” if only for that validation of our person.  Today, my heart is open to that validation, that support network, that mutual understanding, that camaraderie that you can only get with family members who strive to know you deeper (beyond the labeling of your childhood and their former relationship with you) and friends who have chosen you to be a part of their lives.

Whew!  That was an earful.

The End.

The Blahs

by Amy | Jul 27, 2012 | mama confessions

We’ve all heard of “The Blues”…but I would venture to say that “The Blahs” are perhaps a little worse.  The Blahs are ambiguous and meaningless.  There’s no reason to feel “blah”…and yet, I do.

Here’s what’s frustrating, to me, about The Blahs.  First of all, it makes me feel ungrateful for having down time and being home with my kids.  I have no right to be bored with life and yearning for more exciting days, do I?

Well, I’d love to make my first post in TWO weeks be about something upbeat, but my girlfriend challenged me to write honestly today.  And this is honest.

As I type this, I look outside my window and my husband is carrying my 14 month old on his shoulders and pushing a stroller with my 3 1/2 year old in it.  The dog is following closely behind them.  It is a beautiful, sunny, hot summer evening.  We just went out for dinner (because I was too blah to cook something).  It’s about time for the boys’ baths and bedtime.  We’ve had a relatively good day.  No major events.  No more throwing up (for now).

I guess I need to back up a bit.  Our family has been very sick over the past few days.  It started with my husband getting sick last Tuesday and it has lingered into this week with my baby still throwing up.  We haven’t really met any friends or gone anywhere for a solid WEEK!  The laundry has been washed and put away numerous times and the house continues to be in a perpetual cycle from toys everywhere to everything neat and tidy (because being home every second of every day means you have time to put things away).  I find myself obsessing, walking from room to room, saying “check” under my breath while I walk in and out of each room assessing the room’s state.  Then, I find myself going and checking my computer to see if anyone has written me, but chances are, no one has, so I end up going on Facebook to see if anyone else’s life is more exciting than mine.  This lasts until one of my kids inevitably hits or kicks or pushes the other one down, forcing me to get up and take care of the situation and return to checking rooms for untidy-ness.

Today was a particularly difficult day for me in the boredom and mundane department.  We still couldn’t meet anyone for a playdate, and I couldn’t hire someone to watch my kids because I didn’t want to take the risk of us infecting someone else with this stomach bug.  So, here we were…again.  We read books.  We sang.  We played.  They played while I cleaned the kitchen.  We watched some shows on PBS.  We went to the park.  We ate lunch.  I waited for them to take a nap.  I tried to get some things done on my computer.  One of them delayed going to sleep and kept asking me to get him something.  Then he fell asleep…finally.  I tried to get more done on my computer.  The other woke up.  I spent an hour trying to improve his mood.  The other one woke up after having peed all over himself and the couch while napping.  Cleaned him up.  Changed his clothes.  Cleaned up the couch.  Tried to occupy them both until their Dad came home.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I feel like I have to write a disclaimer every time I say anything less than extremely grateful or positive.  I love my kids and I love our days together.  I know I will look back one day and wish they were this small again.  I will remember these times fondly, because they are sweet times.  They truly are.  But, they are also damn hard times too.  And you know what nobody tells you?  These times test your sense of self.  They try your true identity.  And, I think I could get a loud AMEN when I say that they are often times VERY lonely.  It’s true.  If you don’t have a strong sense of self and don’t know who you are and don’t have a strong support network, these times, when your children are very young, are extremely challenging for most people.  Most days, you get by.  Other days, you barely survive and thank GOD when you can finally collapse on your sofa with a glass of wine and a piece of fine chocolate when it’s all over.  But days like today, you go through all the motions, because you know that you will do the same things tomorrow.  You will have the same routine where you will get the kids fed, dressed, deal with meltdowns, attempt to entertain and teach, attempt to do things you need to do, come to the realization that you won’t get much accomplished, feed the kids again, clean up poop, pee, spit up, throw up, snot, toys, wet sinks, dirty dishes, attempt to play with the kids, stretch the kids until Daddy comes home, cook dinner (or not), feed them, clean up dinner, give them baths, read them books, pray, kiss them good night and run through the house picking up toys again when it’s all over.

You cannot wipe the blank stare off your face.  It’s stuck there for today.  There’s no relief to the blahs other than to hopefully go to bed, sleep it off and wake up the next morning feeling like the tasks that lie ahead are new to the day and the challenges are ready to be taken on.  I pray the blahs go away with today.  Tomorrow is a new day!

Blessed and Beaming

by Amy | Jul 12, 2012 | mama confessions

Call it more sleep…call it summertime…call it coming out of the fog…no matter what you call it, it’s a good thing!  Many of you who have followed my (very irregular) string of posts have probably noticed that I’ve been rather dismal over the past few months due to the stress and strain that comes from being a Mommy to two boys…and especially to one in particular who hasn’t been sleeping very well since he was born.  In addition to that, though, I’ve also become rather dissatisfied with my work as a voice teacher and have been frantically scurrying to find a waynotto do it anymore.  Also, my parents have been going through a really difficult patch in their lives:  First, my Dad had a stroke and underwent surgery on his carotid arteries…then their financial problems went from bad to much much worse…and because of all of this, we haven’t really gotten to see them or spend time with them, and I’ve felt helpless and so sad for them.  That doesn’t even begin to touch on the fact that I lost my Grandma last September.  Man…what a wonderful, but tough year!

Over the past few months, in my (ha ha!) spare time, I’ve been brainstorming, reading books, reading blogs, journaling and PRAYING about what God has in store for me and my family.  Was I simply being a whiny, bratty baby who was throwing a temper tantrum because I was too tired?  Or was I really going through a crisis and needing to make some major life changes?

I hate to complain.  And more, I hate complainers.  Especially when that complainer is ME.  I am truthfully SO grateful and humbled by the wonderful people and opportunities in my life.  I, of all people, should not even think about complaining.  Or should I?

Biblically, we are taught to “be content in whatever state we’re in…”, but I have been less than content.  Something has been stirring with me, and I have been going crazy to figure out what it was.  Thankfully, I am now able to look at things from a broader perspective.  While I know that I should be content because God has given me all things, I also know that my need for change is healthy and normal too.  If we were never moved to change by discontentment, we’d forever be in the same place in our lives.  Boring.  And dismal.  So, I have made friends with discontentment.  It shouldn’t define me.  But, I can also embrace it.  And that, I have done.

So, I said all that to say…and by the way, there is no climax to this post.  This is truly just another rant…but a good one.  I said all that to say that I am finally starting to see a clear light at the end of my tunnel.  My tunnel was never dark, btw.  It was never dismal.  It was never desperate.  It was just lackluster.  It was also a very exhausting, draining tunnel.  Navigating days of activities, potty training, nursing, baby book editing (which never happened), cooking healthy meals, trying to save money on healthy food at the store, arranging play time, playdates, play activities, arranging me time, arranging ANY time — all on about 5 hours of interrupted sleep on a GOOD day.  That can get anyone down and make them feel a little discombobulated.  But the light has arrived.  My now toddler has gotten better at the sleep gig.  He is doing so much better.  There are still nights, like last night, when he was clingy and needy and restless and wakeful and ANNOYING, but those are becoming fewer and farther between.  And in the words of Johnny Nash:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

 It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.

To get to the point, I am SO so blessed.  I have always felt blessed, but right now, I feel extremely blessed.  I have such a wonderful husband.  He does so much for me and for our boys.  He is my rock.  He is the most selfless human being I know.  He always puts others’ needs before his own needs.  I love that about him!  Then, I have these wonderful, little, amazing creatures walking around in my house right now.  It’s so easy to think that they will always be this way, but I know from experience that they will not.  Things change in an instant.  They grow.  They change.  They stop saying words and sentences incorrectly.  They stop giggling from the belly and being curious about every little thing.  They get taller.  They lose that baby fat.  So, right now, I’m grateful for the sweet little cheeks…the constant noise…the babble…the fun.  It is so wonderful to be a Mommy.  It’s something you can never explain or put into words.  It is truly amazing!  Then, I have this plethora…and I mean AMAZING plethora of girlfriends who I LOVE.  They get me.  I get them.  They are there for me.  I am there for them.  While I’ve always had great friends throughout my life, I think it is only now that I realize the importance of these friendships which have evolved over time with me.  All of my friendships are truly unique and individual.  I don’t really and haven’t ever really belonged to a “group” of friends, per se.  My friends are all very different.  I could go on and on, but let’s just say I am so so incredibly humbled and grateful for them right now.

Unfortunately, there is much more than that to share, but I am going to refrain and get some things done instead.  I have just a little bit of time before the boys will be up from their naps and I need to make use of that time.

More later…