Gosh, everything seems to be the same one minute and then, the next minute, it feels like things are rapidly changing. One minute you have a brand new baby who needs you every second of the day, and the next minute, you have a toddler who plays on his own and walks from room to room. One minute, you have a little boy who is struggling to grasp the concept of going potty and poo poo on the toilet, and the next minute, he’s going into the bathroom and doing everything all by himself.
Today I was a little saddened by all the changes happening with us, but happy at the same time. Tate starts preschool for the first time on Tuesday. Today, we went to meet his teachers and other classmates and get familiarized with the room he’ll be in. He was very clingy and panicky when we first got there, and then he eventually opened up and started playing on his own without needing me right beside him. When we got in the car, I could tell he was SO proud of himself and so excited about the prospect of starting preschool. I know he’ll be a little apprehensive for the first few days, but I really think he’s going to nail this and enjoy it! For this, I’m so overjoyed and happy for him. He’s such a sweet, smart, funny, social little guy, and he will thrive in an environment like this. I’m so thrilled we found this preschool at OLC!
The sad part about all of this is that Tate has never been without me during the day. I have always been there with him, and if I did hire a sitter or leave him with someone, it has always been for just a couple hours. I know it probably seems dramatic and silly, but it occurred to me this evening that as of Tuesday, we will no longer be his only teachers. He will learn from the preschool teachers and of course, the other kids he gets to know. Truthfully, I’ve dreaded this day for some time. In my mind, I’ve always romanticized the concept of homeschooling and dreamed that maybe, quite possibly, I could do this. But, I don’t know that I’m cut out for it, honestly. I wish Tate could learn all of his information through me and the tools I introduce to him, but right now, I barely have enough patience to sit down with him and read. I feel terrible for admitting this, but it’s true. I love reading to my children, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes it just feels like an uphill battle. We’re either out running errands, meeting people for playdates or I’m home trying to get things done. I tell you, I think sometimes days and weeks go by before I realize that we haven’t spent that special time just sitting down and reading or learning how to do something new. Part of it is me and the other part of it is him. I don’t know how to change that and turn the cycle around. I don’t know how to make him more responsive to me and not always wanting to “do something else.” I don’t know how I get him to sit still long enough to read to him and focus on something like writing his letters or numbers. So when he is able to grasp a concept, I feel happy that he did it in spite of my ADD instruction which typically involves me trying to get something else done and keeping his younger brother out of things we’re doing simultaneously.
Anyway…that was all said to say that I have mixed feelings about next week. I want this so badly for him. I want him to grow and learn and thrive, but I also just want to keep him here ALL to myself. I don’t want to share him with anyone, because deep down, I feel like, if I do, I will never be able to have him just to myself again. It means that he will forever be changed. We will forever be changed. His horizons will continue to broaden and he will naturally move in a direction away from the safe, little haven we have here at home with our routines, our outings and our rituals. He will naturally gravitate toward new friends, new activities and new ideas.
Today, he said to us: “You’re the best Daddy in the whole world.” “And you’re the best Mommy in the whole world.” “I love you guys so much!”
What a great kid!! What 3 year old says that to his parents?
Mine does : )
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