Well, after another long hiatus, I am back in business and trying to get my life somewhat organized so I can start blogging (and hopefully doing other things I want to do) again.
How are you? I always feel like blogging is such a one-way street. I’d love to hear more from people who actually read this crap I write. Not that I think what I write is crap, but I’m sure it is to someone else who is blessed not to have to be inside my brain.
Well, I ended voice lessons (thank GODDDDDDD!) at the end of May, and we promptly headed up to Kansas City for a few days so I could sing in a friend’s wedding and see family. It was a whirlwind trip, and I was so sick the whole way up there and back that I thought for sure I might be pregnant again. Once I got there, my sisters informed me that there is a “bug” going around that makes you feel like your pregnant x the power of 10. At first you start feeling crampy…then, you’re a little nauseous…then you start feeling like you just might hurl…then you start feeling achy and feverish and you get chills. Then, you just go back to feeling crampy again. We all had it. It felt like the worst (and dumbest) virus I’ve ever had. Turns out, THANK YOU JESUS!, I wasn’t/am not pregnant. Whew! The thought makes me want to hurl!
So, now we’re back and once again, I’m just really trying to make sense of my family’s somewhat desperate situation and figure out where I fit in and how I can help. The truth…and what I’m learning every day is that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. No matter how hard you try. I want to do something…anything…that will make their situation easier. They are my parents, after all. They took care of me and raised me. How can I not help them? But, what do you do when people literally refuse your help?! I feel like my hands are tied, and yet, I don’t know how to just sit still either. This is a real test of my own personal faith. I hope and pray that God would just deliver them from the house they’re in…help them get into another, more liveable house and move them to sell all the stuff they’ve accumulated over the years. I also pray that my Dad would find a decent part time job and get some debt paid down. Oh my LORD!! Just thinking about all of this makes my stomach turn. I am sick with grief. Physically ill from it. I’m so tired of other people’s problems consuming me. But these aren’t just other people. These are my parents. I love them. I would do anything for them — if only I would be allowed to.
Well, on some other positive notes, I feel like some fire is really lit underneath my evergrowing ars. When I ended my voice lessons in May, I literally washed my hands of ever having to teach anyone I don’t want to teach AGAIN and saying goodbye to stage mothers and kids who are snotty and impolite and lack motivation or ambition. This sounds so harsh. Believe me…I can only imagine how bitter I sound. I used to LOVE teaching. Love it! I worked hard to hone my skills, and I feel I have pretty mad skills when it comes to teaching. But, Oh MAN!…I’m so done. So done. And I’m on to bigger, brighter things. I hope.
For starters, I accepted a position as Children’s Choir Director at my church, First United Methodist of Round Rock. I had been the children’s choir director at another church downtown, Central Presbyterian Church, but the drive was too long and the program was going to take a lot of man hours and energy to build. I tried it for a few months, but it was just too hard to keep up and I was missing going to my church with my family. So, I accepted this position and I can rehearse the kids when I want to rehearse them every week and they will provide childcare. PLUS!
In addition to that (as if I need an addition to that), I have started taking on corporate clients and offering voice coaching for businesspeople who do a lot of public speaking. I am super excited about this, because it is something different than what I’m currently doing, but it combines all my skills and pays much more than what I earn teaching. I’m not sure how it’s going to play out, but I’m very excited.
In general, a lot of really positive things are happening in my life — not to mention, my two beautiful boys who grow and change every single day, my amazing husband and my wonderful family and friends. I feel so blessed. Mainly, I feel blessed because God is showing me all the endless possibilities of what I can do and he’s giving me the creativity (despite the continual lack of sleep and time) to do those things. Life is good.
On the other hand, however, I still really struggle with what is going on back home. I try hard to separate myself from it and try to just be happy (because I need to be for my kids), but I still worry a lot and hate that I can’t wave a magic wand.
It’s so true that life is a huge mixture of amazing peaks and devastating lows that sometimes occur simultaneously.
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