I have been really really bad about blogging lately…on all fronts. I haven’t blogged on my vocal blog; I haven’t blogged on my Mommy Inspirational blog; and I certainly haven’t blogged on this blog. I don’t know why. I have just been really tired…really busy…really preoccupied with too many other things. I’d like to say that I will get back on track soon, but I don’t know that I will.
Anyway…I am here to share some very big news regarding my baby boy, Julian. He turned 23 months old this past weekend, and on Friday, April 12th I decided to give it a go at weaning him once and for all. I have SO loved nursing him for this long. It is a bond that I never had with Tate (since he gave up nursing at 3 months), and it was so sweet. It’s just that…well, it lasted a little too long for me. Truthfully, I think he could have easily kept going for another 2 years without any problem, but I am done. I just can’t do it anymore. He wakes us up at all hours of the night and won’t go back to bed without nursing. Last week, when I was really sick with a cold, he wasn’t feeling well either and needed to nurse around the clock. It was so exhausting and so draining that I decided I had had it. So as soon as I knew he was feeling better again, I made the decision to quit.
A girlfriend of mine had told me how she weaned her youngest by placing bandaids over her nipples and saying that Mommy had a boo boo. I was skeptical that this could work, but I tried it on Friday night and told Julian we could only have milk out of a sippy cup. He wasn’t even the slightest bit agitated by this notion. That gave me motivation to keep going. When he awoke that night, he did cry for the breast, but I reminded him that Mommy had a boo boo and he just rolled over and fell back asleep in our bed. The next day, on Saturday, I bought him a beautiful new sippy cup, which he loved, and played this whole thing up even more. He went to bed without any fussing again on Saturday evening and took to the sippy cup with no issues. He awoke again on Saturday night and was upset that he couldn’t nurse, but he fell back to sleep after a couple minutes of fussing and that was it. Sunday night was a little more challenging. Monday night even more. But today after school was the hardest. Usually when I pick them up from school, they are both really tired and fall asleep in the car on the way home. In the past, I’ve always transferred them easily to their beds/couch with no issues. If Julian ever woke up during transfer, I could always nurse him back to sleep and get him down again. Today, he woke up when I transferred him and I had no tactic up my sleeve to comfort him and get him back down. I tried rocking him. I tried carrying him around. I tried bouncing him. I tried giving him a bottle. He just cried, pawed me and then began screaming at the top of his lungs. It was horrible. I almost caved. But, alas, I held strong and he was fine…eventually. He never went back to sleep again, but he eventually calmed down and had a good afternoon.
Even though he seemed fine and played well, for the most part, I did notice him being more aggressive than usual and saying “Stupid” like he’s been doing lately. When I asked him what was wrong and if he was mad at me, he replied “yeah”. And here’s the biggest kicker…tonight, when I went in his room to rock him (like I do every night), he wouldn’t let me hold him. Instead, he insisted on sitting in the rocking chair on his own and I pushed the rocking chair back and forth until he fell asleep. That made me a little sad. I know things will be fine and he will be fine. I just feel like, tonight, I have lost my baby. This whole rocking and nursing routine…well, that was ours. That was what we did. And now that we don’t do it anymore, because I decided it’s enough, we don’t have that time together anymore. I know we’ll resume and find a new normal. I know he will still come to me and cuddle and maybe it will be even better because he won’t be coming to me to get something but instead to just love on me. Maybe that will happen. But right now, there’s distance. And I hate it. In fact, the temptation to rip off that bandaid is so strong, I have to keep thinking of all the things that made me nuts about continuing to nurse him throughout this past year. Man, motherhood is so hard sometimes, isn’t it?!
What’s crazy about all this is how badly I wanted to do it with Tate and how hard I tried to nurse him up to six months. I thought I’d failed when we barely made it to six months with me pumping and giving him that milk mixed with formula. Then Julian came along and nursing was SO easy. He just knew what to do and he preferred it over everything else. He’d take the bottle, but he wanted the breast. This was so foreign to me. I was so happy to be able to breastfeed him.
Well, (sigh), I’m sad tonight. I’m happy we have gotten over a hump and he didn’t even ask for it tonight. But I’m sad that he didn’t want me to hold and rock him. I hope that part of it doesn’t continue. Even if I don’t breastfeed him, he’s still my little baby. I don’t want him to get older and grow out of being close to me. I just need some space and I need my sleep!!
Dear Julian,
Someday you will know this story, because I will tell you or you might even read this letter. I just want you to know that I love you so much. I have so enjoyed your presence in our lives and what you add to our little family. You are such a ray of sunshine. You are so funny. You are so special to us. I have absolutely loved breastfeeding you and nourishing you with my milk over the past two years. You and I developed quite a close bond in my doing so. I hope that bond never goes away, and I hope you continue to know that closeness and warmth I gave you from the first moment you were born. You are still my baby and will be forever.
Love,
Your Mama
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