It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write lately, but I just haven’t had it in me. I have been oh so sleep deprived, and frankly, depressed. I can’t quite put my finger on it really. I’m enjoying my life tremendously. I love my little clan. Things are going well. I just can’t shake this underlying numbness that has come over me lately. I remember my girlfriend sharing with me that she felt the same way several months into her second child’s life. She just felt like she was constantly in motion, doing something, but never feeling a sense of completion. I keep hitting on the ever present subject of my Dad’s current state of health. He’s doing fine…or, let’s put it this way, as fine as a guy can do when his carotid arteries are 50-70% blocked and he’s awaiting surgery to get them unblocked. My mind isn’t really on that, to be quite honest. If I didn’t have kids, I’d be fretting and worrying. But the kids are keeping me pretty occupied these days. So occupied that I don’t even feel like I have time for anything else — the local news, world news, figuring out my Android, folding laundry, putting away laundry, maintaining my hair (which desperately needs to be cut at the moment…and colored), having a conversation with my husband, sorting out my kids’ clothes and figuring out what is too small for them to wear, making my friend who just had a baby a nice meal for her family, offering a meal or two to a former student’s mother who is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. The list goes on and on…and on.
Truth be told, I’m a doer. I’m not a be-er. He he…I just noticed that if I didn’t add the hyphen, I’d actually be a beer. Would that be so bad? I think not.
No, but seriously. I like to do. I like to be busy with the things of life. It gives me pleasure to do. Being is for lazy people, right? I’m not lazy. I wake up early. Always have. Don’t like sleeping in. That would be lazy. Don’t like ordering food and eating it without actually cooking it myself. That’s lazy. Don’t like not having things done around the house. That’s lazy. See where I’m going with this? Clearly, I need help for my condition.
This past week was Thanksgiving. The week before that was Tate’s birthday. The week before that was a visit from my Aunt and Uncle. All of these occasions were supposed to be lowkey. They were supposed to be easy and fun and not too involved. They were all overly busy and left me with the feeling I had after my wedding day: “All this planning and it flew by and I’m exhausted!!” I overthink. I overdo. I am overwhelmed. See a theme here? I told my girlfriend the other day that I’m either on top of the world with clarity and accomplishment or I am complete train wreck. There’s no in between for me. There’s no middle of the road. Is this the Leo coming out in me or what? Who knows, but I think that’s why I had to take some time off from blogging. I couldn’t get it together enough to blog this past week and a half. My head has literally been spinning about my Dad. There’s been so much to do and think about and figure out that I didn’t have one ounce of space left in this head of mine to blog, meet with friends, call friends, make a meal, do anything that I would normally be on top of.
We have one more day left of this Thanksgiving holiday. So far, we’ve spent the past two days away from home doing stuff. On Thanksgiving itself, I was just going to make a low key meal and ended up in the kitchen most of the day while my husband had to occupy my sons and keep them out of my hair. It was a great meal, but I wonder if I would do it all over again knowing what I know now. My husband and I enjoyed the meal, but my 3-yr-old didn’t eat much on his plate and of course, my 6-month old wasn’t able to partake. So, we had a lot of food leftover, and by the time I was able to see the outdoors and get some fresh air, the sun had gone down and the beautiful day was almost over. Still, it was a beautiful, memorable day with my little family celebrating Thanksgiving–despite the fact that my parents couldn’t be here and we couldn’t be up there.
On Friday, we got up and decided to go out amongst the crowds and see what kind of deals were to be had on Black Friday. We ended up going to Target and IKEA and got a few good deals, but mostly just killed time. By the time we got home, there wasn’t much of our day left to do anything with other than prepare dinner and baths and go to bed.
Today, we got up and decided to go look at cars since we’re quickly growing out of our midsized sedan. Then we went for lunch and went to get our pictures taken after that. Since we were already out, we decided to take our boys to the mall to see Santa Claus. We had a good time there and didn’t have to wait too long in the line. Santa was nice and my 3-yr-old got the chance to tell him exactly what he wanted for Christmas. After we got done on Santa’s lap, my son continued to yell out, “Thank you, Santa!! Bye!!!” from every angle until we were finally out of Santa’s ear shot. I think he was just trying to win Santa over so he could make sure Santa got him that remote control helicopter he can’t stop talking about. By the time we got home, it was already after 6pm and time for dinner, no bath and bed. Where did the day go? Where did the weekend go???? We were busy…but busy doing what?
I share all that to say, I wish it would be possible to actually slow down and enjoy this space in time without filling it up with busy-ness in order to not go insane. I think we subconsciously create busy-ness in our lives in order to avoid what might come up if we were just sitting around with our families with nothing to do other than enjoy each other’s company. Don’t get me wrong. I like going out of the house and doing stuff. I like preparing elaborate meals for the sake of tradition even if we aren’t with our extended families. I like getting out of the house and being out and about doing things…seeing people…accomplishing goals and meeting friends. But my mind always goes back to the question: At what cost? Am I missing something really big here? Am I missing out on my deep desires and brushing off the call to stay home? I’ve admitted before that I’m perfectly content being a hermit. In fact, I am at my most comfortable place when I’m just sitting at home without an agenda. I know a lot of folks who would go stir crazy if they were home alone all day long — let alone all week long — with just their kids and all their kids’ toys and messes and temper tantrums and meal times and story times and playing and laundry. But me? I like it. I crave it. I would be perfectly content being home on most days. It would be so easy for me to be a hermit — too easy as a matter of fact. But, I go out for the sake of my sanity and my kids’ sanity. I know that I’m a better person if I leave the house and my kids are in better moods as well.
Anyway, I usually like to tie up my posts with something meaningful and reign all my thoughts in and pull the storyline together (ha ha), but tonight, I’ll leave it at that. I just need to take some deep breaths and pray that we have some down time before the week ahead becomes hectic and then December begins and the holiday season is even more hectic and December ends and I wonder whatever happened to December. My innermost being is literally screaming for some solitude…some space…some time…some rest…some down time…some me time…some unhectic, agenda free time. (hey…I’m a poet and didn’t know it). I don’t want to live this life…this oh so short little life…feeling crazy busy and hectic for no other reason other than just not being comfortable with being. I want to find a way to stop, say an “om” and create peace in my life without feeling lazy and unproductive. I want to capture memories with something other than a Kodak. I want to live my life and sip in and sponge up every little second of my day without avoiding silence…or chaos…or mundane tasks…or sitting and looking at my beautiful kids.
This weekend, I’m grateful for:
- walks around the neighborhood with my husband and kids
- the prospect of a roomier Auto
- being home this past week/weekend with no family visiting and nowhere we had to go
- the clean carpet in my living room and front room because we steam cleaned this week. No one better come near my carpet with dirty shoes!!
- wonderful food and laughter
- my babies
- my wonderful husband who puts up with me blogging right now and not talking to him about cars
- the cute pictures we got taken today
- remote control helicopters
- rain
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