It’s strange.  I started out wanting to make this blog about the joys and trials of motherhood, how it has changed me, tips I’ve learned along the way, funny happenings in my little microcosm and basically, all things Mommy.  Since I started writing, however, this blog has taken some strange twists and turns as life is happening while I’m busy being a Mommy.  My Grandma died the day after I started writing, which had a huge affect on me and while I haven’t spent every day in the depths of depression, I have really taken a hit by her passing.  Then, just as I started to scrape myself off the dirty sidewalk and get my groove back, I am hit, yet again, with the news that my Dad is in the hospital after having what they think was a TIA or mini-stroke over the past couple of days.  As I type this, I’m sitting in my baby’s room while he plays in his crib and my other son sleeps in the living room.  All the lights are off in the house even as the sun sets early on this mid-November afternoon.  I can’t be bothered to turn any lights on or put mascara on or do anything productive, for that matter.  My head is literally spinning.  He’s currently undergoing MRIs and angiograms and whatever other tests they need to take to determine what to do next. Funny thing is, there’s nothing I can do.  There’s no one I can call or confide in who would make me feel better.  I’m 700 miles away from the scene, and I’m helpless and alone.  Well, not alone.  But, I’m alone in my head.  I haven’t felt this desperate since I was living in Vienna, Austria in early June of 2002 and found out that my close friend Chuck had killed himself, that my Dad had prostate cancer and my Grandma was going into emergency surgery for a quintuple bypass surgery all within the same week!  I was in the middle of a production with Theater an der Wien and by contract, I could not leave.  I was stuck.  I swore then I would never be in that predicament again — not able to be there for family members or friends who are struggling and/or sick.  Now, here I am, with two little kids who need me while my very young Dad (just turned 60) is going through some pretty serious stuff back home.  I’m not able to fly there or drive there, and even if I were, the only thing I could do is sit and wait — just like my Mom and sisters are doing.  But, I don’t even have that option right now, and it’s killing me!

Like I said, I had no intention of my blog posts being this serious in nature, but what I’m coming to realize through writing is that life is a series of events that take place while you’re trying to figure out stuff like your baby’s sleep patterns, why he’s constipated and what you should feed him.  Life is happening while we’re planning birthday parties for our soon-to-be 3 year old.  Life is happening while we are pondering about the future purchase of a bigger car or while we’re mad that we accidentally bought rotten tomaters at the grocery store.  Life is happening while we’re mad at our spouses for this or that, and we’re not happy with the wrinkles showing up on our faces.  It’s funny how trivial and small we sometimes let our lives become.  We get so caught up in the day to day B.S. of the guy cutting us off in traffic or our paint chipping off of our walls, we forget what really matters most–the health and happiness of our family.

I am Guilty Party Numero Uno when it comes to obsessing about the small things in life.  I’d like to think I’m above it, but I’m not.  Three days ago (before all of this happened with my Dad), I was lamenting over not getting enough sleep, wondering what I should make every night this week for dinner and attempting to plan for my son’s birthday party.  Now, I’m barely able to move.  I am paralyzed by the fear that my Dad could have something really seriously wrong with him.  That he could die on the operating table if they have to open him up and unblock his artery leading to his brain.  That he may never get the usage of his left hand back.  That he may not be able to work and provide for my mother and him anymore (since he’s far from being able to retire and works for himself).  My rational, spiritual self is saying, “It’ll all be OK, Amy.”  But the human part of me that knows how these things can play out is starting to lose it.  What if?  What if it doesn’t all work out?  I’m really scared.  And what’s worse, I’m really scared and I have a little boy counting on me to pull through for his birthday.  I am really scared, and I have another little guy who is counting on me to feed him, to giggle with him and tickle him and change his diapers and figure out why in the heck he’s not pooping.  No more holing up and digesting this kind of information.  No more taking time to process the weight of aging parents and sudden conditions and ailments that cause most of us to stop and ponder life.  There’s no time for that.  I’m a Mommy who is grieving the loss of her Grandma and scared shitless about the serious health condition of my father.  Who can take all that on and still smile?

While it is hard for me, today, to do anything — let alone write a gratitude list, here goes:

1. My Dad is alive and they caught whatever he has in time that it has not done a lot of permanent damage (that they know of) yet.
2. My little family is healthy.
3. I am strong.
4. I am healthy.
5. I am a Mommy.
6. My baby is about to turn 3 years old!
7. I have enough treats in our “Potty Jar” to keep my son pottying on the big boy potty for quite a while.
8. Michael’s honored my 50% off coupon through my phone today when I bought a cake pan.
9. My home feels serene and quiet right now.
10. Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight.
11. So is Private Practice.
12. I’m not cooking tonight.
13. All of my birthday schtuff is bought and ready to go.
14. I have at least one glass of wine left in that bottle in the fridge.