This morning I’m taking Mommy Time. Not to go to the store. Not to work out. Not to run an errand. Not to work. I’m just chillin’ at a cafe and trying to relax a bit.
It’s been a stressful week. And, may I mention that I always hate saying that? Why? Because everyone has stressful weeks. And, because I chose this life. I did. Every ounce of it. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
For starters, my boys are getting increasingly more active. They aren’t satisfied with just hanging out at home with Mommy anymore. They aren’t easy to take places either. Everything…and I mean EVERYTHING is a challenge. On most days, I go with the flow and can take it. But there are other, more sleep deprived days that I just can’t. The days in this past week were filled with the ones that drove me over the edge.
So, what does a Mommy do to rejuvenate? I have a hard time buying into the pedicure/massage/shopping bit. I mean, I’m sure those things help, but if I think of every escape as a reason to spend money I don’t have, I won’t do it very often. And truthfully, I’ve found that those things don’t necessarily rejuvenate me, personally. I wish I could be that easily distracted and be able to relax that effortlessly.
For me, rejuvenation is about saying “no”. And, I’ve been realizing that more and more lately about myself.
This whole idea of saying “no” was going to be a blog post in and of itself, but I wasn’t able to write last night…so I’m combining posts.
Lately, I’ve been feeling this tremendous PULL toward doing rather than just being. It happens so unconsciously that I don’t even notice it’s happening. But, because of what I’ve learned, I feel a huge responsibility to my kids to teach them this basic concept that will hopefully help them stay grounded — or at least have a grounded home base to return to — throughout their lives.
I was talking to a wonderful, beautiful friend of mine on the phone the other day about this. We know in our heart of hearts that we need to regularly practice the act of simply being in this world and not constantly filling our lives with things to do. But even those of us who consciously practice with this idea struggle. It makes me see even more how difficult it must be for those who don’t even think about it, but involuntarily find themselves on the hamster wheel.
For me, saying “no” to invitations to go and do even potentially fun things is something I have to consciously and purposely do. It doesn’t take long before my day is filled up with a phone call, a visit to the doctor, a playdate, a trip to the grocery store, a lunch with a friend and getting on the computer. Before I know it, my day can turn from being free and clear to cluttered and stressful. Now, granted, I have to admit that I fall into the category of being smack dab in the middle of introvert/extrovert on the Meyer’s Briggs scale. If you haven’t taken that test, it is very eye opening to how you function in the world. I have found that I function best when I have had time to myself to rejuvenate and clear my head. I always have been that way. Once I have had that time, I can go out and be the life of the party and spend quality time with those I love to be around. But, if I haven’t had that time to myself first, I am a total, discombobulated wet mop and miserable to be around.
So, back to saying “no”. It’s hard to do. I think it is particularly hard for a few reasons. For me, saying “no” isn’t so hard, but I think I do struggle with others’ perceptions of me when I do it. I have a lot of great friends who I like to see and talk to, and my kids like their kids. When I say “no” now, I feel like I not only deprive myself and my friends, but I deprive my kids of interaction with others that they enjoy being around. I also think that I struggle with the perception of being “flaky”. If I say “yes” or even “maybe” originally to something that actually overloads my schedule and causes me stress, I have a hard time backtracking and saying, “Ya know what? I made plans with you, but I’m feeling tired today and need a day to just be home with the kids.” I have the world’s most understanding, down-to-earth friends, but I still feel terrible doing it.
Yesterday, I bit the bullet. I had tentatively made plans with a girlfriend I love spending time with. The problem is, it just didn’t work out timewise with my kids and her’s. The schedules weren’t aligning. We were going to need to accommodate her child’s schedule and drive to the other end of town at a time when my kids normally nap to make it work. Because I don’t see this friend as often as I’d like, I usually try to do what works for her/her child so we can spend time together. But yesterday, I was tired. I was feeling the need to ground myself and get things done around the house. I was feeling the need to pull back and allow my kids to just have a schedule free day. So, after a couple of nail biting hours of contemplation, I called her and said it wouldn’t work. And ya know what? She was relieved because it was going to be hard for her to pull off as well.
The moral of the story is, WHY oh WHY do we feel this compelling need to stick to our word and keep plans? That may be a great philosophy for thriving businesses and high powered officers of state, but is it such a good philosophy for tired Mommies or even women (and men) in the world of playdates and backyard BBQs? Sure, we want to be trustworthy and reliable. Sure, we want people to be able to depend on us and not feel like we are always flaky with plans. But at what cost? Who are we trying to please here?
Have you ever found yourself sitting somewhere with people and thinking to yourself, “I should have just stayed home? Why did I do this to myself? I’m not up for it?” I have asked that many times. And the answer I always have is, “Because I didn’t want to let the other person down.” Truth be told, I have rarely been let down by a person who cancelled and honestly admitted that they just weren’t up for it. Yeah, there may be a slight initial disappointment if I was really looking forward to the meeting or event, but I always quickly regrouped and moved on. That’s just me. I don’t like to ever make people feel guilty for their choices. What I want most for my friends is that they are true to themselves. We have enough obligations in the world — dishes, laundry, taking care of the every day needs of our children, our spouses, working, meeting deadlines and just basic showing up. I don’t need my friends to ever feel like they have to show up on my account.
Some of my best days have come from just listening to my soul’s need for rest and relaxation and taking the opportunity to say “no” to outside invitations — however pleasant and appealing they may sound. I also want my children to learn this. It’s important that they know that their value doesn’t come from being constantly busy. They also need to learn to self-entertain, create and most importantly, just BE. If they can’t learn this early on, they will be ever searching for happiness and not ever able to find it within themselves.
I must say, that I’ve learned the art of being early on. My parents didn’t have the means to take us all over God’s creation for playdates and recreational activities. In the summer, we were lucky if we made it once a week to the pool or the park. Most of our days weren’t planned. They just happened. We would play with our toys, make believe, get bored, build forts, get in fights, tickle each other, make up songs and all of the other things kids do.
I’m not saying that is a bad thing to have planned days. I wish my parents would have planned more of our days and instilled in me a better since of planning ahead and having a structured day. It’s good to have structure and some thing that children (and you) can look forward to. But, must we do that ALL the time?? Current society tells us “yes”. We need to have things going on. For if we don’t have things going on, the kids will get bored. We will get bored. We will go crazy. The kids won’t have enough enriching things to do and will risk learning all that they can possibly learn by the right age. This just simply isn’t true.
I want to encourage myself and others out there to stop the madness. Let summer be summer. Just BE.
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