This past week, I’ve been really hard on myself about the fact that I have been seemingly incapable of making such a simple decision about whether or not my sons, ages 4 1/2 and 2, would go to a 2 day/week preschool program they attended last year. This past summer has literally flown by, and here I was, at the door of “meet-the-teacher” day, filled-out paperwork and fees that were immediately due. It was somehow too much for me to digest and deal with, and although we had already paid the nonrefundable deposit for their spots to be held, I just couldn’t fully move forward with the commitment to send them there without some pretty major hesitations.
My husband and I have mulled over and discussed this decision at great length over the past couple months. He has felt from the get-go that our oldest really needs the interaction, as do I. However, the cost of preschool alone and the fact that this particular preschool is 25 minutes from our home are both huge deterrents that keep us from whole-heartedly plunging forward and committing to it. The other factor is that we are expecting our third baby at the end of December, and the thought of trekking out and picking them up with baby in tow just feels like an overwhelming task I’m not quite sure I want to undertake.
While I was sifting through all of my thoughts over the past couple days, I finally decided to reach out to one of my like-minded girlfriends and confide in her about how I was feeling and how mad at myself I was for not being able to make a cut-and-dry decision. She quickly responded, telling me she was in the same boat and she was really frustrated with herself for it. She and her husband just got back from adopting a baby from China, and she has 3 biological children she is trying to make decisions for in the midst of all the adjusting. Wow was I relieved!! It’s not that I wanted her to join me in being plagued by indecision, but I was relieved because I didn’t feel alone. In some weird way her indecision validated my own, and I felt joy knowing that this is a situation we all face. I wasn’t just being hormonal or petty or irrational. I was being human. And humans don’t always know exactly what to do.
This also made me realize how much pressure we put on ourselves as mothers. We want the very best for our children. From the time we find out we are pregnant (or adopting) a baby, we begin to think about things like names, pediatricians, bedding sets, car seats and baby furniture. Once the baby is born, we mull over vaccinations and feeding schedules. As the baby grows, we are consumed with food and sleeping and the right bottles and toys…what they should wear…and the best activities to do to help stimulate their brains. It should be no surprise when we find ourselves carefully contemplating where or if they will go to preschool and what other extracurricular activities they should be involved in. We want the very best for our children. We don’t want our decisions to impact them in a negative way. We want them to learn as much as they can and grow to be amazing human beings. Right?
Truth be told, I’m a little overwhelmed by all the decisions that need to be made with regard to raising a child in this day and age. It seems like it is so complicated nowadays. To me, a lot of parents seem to be obsessed with the need to keep their children as busy as possible and enroll them in the best programs money can buy. But what if you aren’t so prone to being busy? What if you can’t afford the best programs? What if you have children who aren’t necessarily interested in having a tight schedule that involves learning everything possible they need to learn to succeed…by the age of 4!? Where does this leave you? Where does it leave your children?
I don’t, even for a second, judge the intentions of other parents. All I know is what I personally feel. And right now I feel overwhelmed by it all. There is this looming cloud overhead that tells me I need to make the best decision possible, and my head is spinning out of control trying to figure out what that is. I just don’t know. Isn’t that acceptable? Sure, I can’t go on not knowing forever. There comes a time when we need to be proactive and take steps forward regardless of how we feel. But I can’t ignore all the feelings that keep me from making a clear-cut decision, and I’ve always tried to live by the motto, “If in doubt, don’t.” Well, I’m in doubt. And the main doubt has to do with my pocketbook. I think my kids will survive and will be just fine if we don’t send them to preschool this year…this month…in two weeks. I think I will too. No matter what.
If you are a Mom like me and sometimes plagued with indecision, you are not alone. We all deal with it. We all struggle with the pressure we put on ourselves to make the best decisions possible for our families. I want to encourage you today, like I was encouraged by my friend’s email. Be gentle with yourself. Things will fall into place and be clear when it really matters. If in doubt, don’t. Let go of the guilt and the need to do everything perfectly. Your kids will be fine. And so will you.
Peace Out!
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