If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that one’s perspective can change dramatically from one day to the next. Every time I have one of these epiphanies, I think to myself, “I need to write this down, so I remember not to freak out or start thinking I am going crazy.” Every time I start to get upset, I need to think, “Will this matter next week? Will I even remember it at all tomorrow?” I need to get out of the habit of overanalyzing my unhappiness and feelings of overwhelm on one day, because as sure as my cellulite jiggles, I will feel much better the next day. It’s usually that simple. Sometimes we just simply wake up with heavy hearts, on the wrong side of the bed or in a downright BAD mood. Sometimes, if those feelings linger, it’s depression. But, most of the time, they are just moods that will change as soon as the weather does. And lately, the weather has been changing a lot.
I write this post after a great weekend with my family. There was nothing grand or exciting about it per se. We didn’t even really do anything. We didn’t have any major plans. We barely left the house, actually. But the weekend was great because we were all together. We had some laughs. We shed some tears. We endured some tantrums. We lived through some frustrating moments. But, truth be told, we enjoyed our time together.
I need to remember that I’m not feeling this sense of satisfaction about my weekend because anything really got accomplished. This is a hard thing for me to let go of. Everyone with children over the age of 6 likes to say, “Don’t worry about the house right now…you’ll have plenty of time for that later.” Well, that may be true, but someone has to worry about the house from time to time or everything turns to shit. Pardon my French, but it’s true. The shit part, that is. If I don’t worry about the house, I will continue to smell the 5 pairs of underwear/pants/shorts/socks my 3 year old peed through as they sit and rot in the laundry basket. If I don’t worry about the house, my family will be crawling around on the floor with dustballs and dead bugs clinging to their onesies. If I don’t worry about the house, everyone will starve and no one will have clean jammies to wear to bed. That damn pile of mail will continue to stack up on the kitchen counter until I can’t see out of my kitchen. My point is, I have to worry about the house. But, right now, I’m not. Tomorrow, I will. I think my bigger point is, the list of things to do is perpetual. It never stops. I will never be able to sit back and smile with a root beer in hand and think, “Go Amy! Everything is done!” OK, let’s face it…even if I could sit back and say that, I wouldn’t be holding a root beer. The job is never done. There’s always something to do. And yet, while there’s always something to do, there has to be time to just do nothing every now and then. And it’s really important to remind myself that I’m satisfied right now–not because the laundry is neatly folded and put away (or even washed). I’m not satisfied because my floors are clean (but that would be nice). I’m satisfied because I got to watch my babies live their lives this weekend and grow a little more. I got to spend some time with them and have no agenda. I love having no agenda. I’m satisfied because life is good. We are all healthy and happy and that is all I could ask for.
I have to admit I’m a little too consequential sometimes. I always think of the outcome of my decisions. I think this is a great characteristic in many ways. But it doesn’t really promote living on the edge and enjoying life much, does it? I, like many women, like to have my ducks in a row. It seems like, the more seasoned you become as a parent, you realize more and more how little you can leave to chance. While I used to be able to “wing it” with what I’d wear or what I’d eat for lunch, I now have to plan all those things for the kids. We have to have virtually every hour of our day planned around meals and naps in order for things to run smoothly. In order for the kitchen to be ready for them in the morning for breakfast, things have to be washed and dried and put away the night before. In order for us to be able to leave the house, my diaper bag has to be carefully examined to see if we have enough snacks and diapers and wipes for the road on a daily basis. God forbid we leave the house with a shortage of any one of those items! If a nap is taken too early or too late, it poses a threat to the way the evening will go and how early my children will go to bed or how soundly my children will sleep through the night. If a snack is given too late, it threatens dinner. If dinner is eaten because of a poor appetite, we run the risk of a child waking up at night hungry. God, it’s exhausting just reading this! But with all of this in mind, it is difficult to just let go and not thoroughly think through the day ahead and what needs to happen for things to run smoothly. On the other hand, if we think things through too thoroughly, our time is spent in the kitchen either cooking, unloading the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher or cleaning up while our kids are doing something else that doesn’t involve our undivided attention. After we finish that, we are drawn to the neverending pile of laundry, and so on…
Truthfully, it isn’t all that bad. I would rather be doing this job than any other job in the world. And, I mean that! I am so blessed to be able to be with my kids and take care of our home. It’s just challenging to strike a balance and ever feel a sense of completion with anything, and that is especially challenging for me.
Right now, I’m reading a great book (which was recommended to me by a great friend) called Raising Happiness. I will talk more about this book in another post, but it is causing me to think. I love things that make me think. One of the things that I’m learning this week is how to prioritize and fit it all in without feeling overwhelmed. Like I have said before, I hesitate to change until it is too late. I don’t want to just go hire a babysitter, but then I find myself about to throw myself off a cliff by the end of the week. I don’t want to ask my husband to watch the kids after he has a long day at work so that I can go and have some down time, so I start to feel resentful when I don’t get the things I need to do done. But I have to prioritize with these kids or I will not only miss out on them and their childhoods, but I will miss out on me in the process. While I can put the laundry on hold, I can’t make time stand still. They will continue to grow. Life will continue to change. If I don’t find a way to simultaneously enjoy life with my kids while making time for myself (and perhaps getting a few loads of laundry in in the process), I will have missed the point of it all. There is no more of, “Well, I will do that when the kids are older.” The time is now. If I need to take time for myself and go do some things I need to do, then that is what I need to do. There is no room for the word “martyr” in my vocabulary. There is no room for self-pity. And frankly, I want to be happy. It’s just a matter of finding the right recipe that works for everyone in my family.
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