Ugh…I’m in a funk. I don’t like to usually write about my funks, but here I am…in one. Why? Because I hardly ever get a moment to myself. It’s the universal feeling/phrase every Mommy of young children I know feels/says. It’s true. We don’t. Most of us desperately want and need those quiet moments to think, reminisce, do something fun — for ourselves, read, journal, blog (ha!), sort out thoughts and feelings or here’s a thought, just BE. But they come so seldom. Those quiet moments. And they have been coming even less frequently for me lately as I take care of two very active little boys — one, of which, hasn’t offered me a full night’s sleep since his birth over two years ago. I honestly have a theory that he probably has it out for me and was placed on this planet to teach me a lesson. But that’s another blog post. The other contributing factor in my lack of time and energy issue is the fact that I’m 4 months pregnant with our third, and I’ve been unbelievably tired and unable to stay up late, stay awake during their naps (when they occur) or get up early…or should I say earlier than my kids. So, in case you’ve wondered about me or perhaps even missed my blog posts (hee hee), this is why you haven’t heard from me in a while.
Disclaimer: Major, carnal complaining below.
I’m cooked. I’m baked. I’m fried. I’m done. I’m dunzo. Stick a fork in me. I’m over the edge…in over my head. I could not be more over it. I’m on a deserted island waving my surrender flag. I’m in jail making my one phone call. I’ve had it up to…you get the picture.
So, here I am. Craving time. Craving quiet moments of reflection at a time when I so desperately need them and they seem to elude me entirely. And this has caused me to become unraveled…just a bit. OK, a lot. Add that lack of time to some unforeseen personal conflicts I’ve been experiencing, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a total meltdown. And a meltdown I had this past weekend. A BIG one! I mean, the screaming, crying, hyperventilating kind of meltdown where I actually uttered the words, “I NEVER GET ANY TIME TO MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” And then I left the house with swollen, puffy, burnt holes in a blanket for eyes and took time for myself. I couldn’t enjoy that time I took, mind you, because it was too long overdue, and I had just thrown a huge temper tantrum causing my kids to cry and be scared of me. But I needed to take that time, and darn it, I did. With a guilt-ridden pit in the bottom of my stomach, I went to the farmer’s market alone and bought some tomatoes, for the love of…because God only knows, we needed more farm fresh tomatoes in our house! And then I went to Macy’s to walk around. I was offered a makeover. I must have looked like I needed it. That and a bigger pair of shorts to support my ever-growing belly. And then I walked back to the car, empty-handed, and drove home as fast as I could and entered the front door in shame. What was I thinking?!
After we all got past that momentous meltdown, I quickly tried to line up some sitters for the following week. Then I realized I had a doctor’s appointment on the day I had set up a babysitter for some “down time”. The babysitter still came. I went to my doctor’s appt. alone. Yay me. Then I came home and sat in a corner and ate chips and salsa within earshot of hearing my kids laugh and play with the babysitter. What was wrong with me? If I really needed time to myself, why didn’t I just take it?? But no, I needed to come home and torture myself and attempt to get something done while still being within 10 feet of my children. That never works.
Later that same day, I had another sitter come, but I quickly realized that I needed to get cash to pay her and the babysitter from that morning, so I left the house and went to the grocery store. I got home with 10 minutes to spare before she had to leave. Again…what?! What in the name of all that is holy was I thinking?! Do I even know how to adequately and efficiently use my time off anymore? And better yet, will I ever be able to again?
Aughh! Life is so hard sometimes isn’t it? I mean, I know deep down that people all around me are going through much more difficult issues than I am, but even that simple fact doesn’t take away the sting of my own personal issues that seem to plague me and cause me to feel like I’m going to come out of my skin. I mean, what’s a girl supposed to do to sort through things and get some time for herself? Should I start scheduling my hair washing and leg shaving at midnight? Do I need to start getting up at 4am and read my Bible and do my prayers and journaling then? Really? Because truthfully, I’ve tried everything else and I don’t know how to pull this off otherwise.
I think I’ve mentioned in previous posts how much “alone time” I’ve always needed throughout my life. If you go by the Meyers Briggs test, I fall right in the center of introvert/extrovert, but I think I’ve always been a closet introvert. I know that I gain perspective, energy and renewal by being alone. Sometimes, throughout my life, I’ve been known to shut myself up in my apartment or my room for days on end just reading, reflecting and praying. Wow, did God have a twisted sense of humor when he gave me two kids. I’m never alone. Never! And most of the time, I love it. I enjoy being stretched and tried. But then there are times like these when I would give my right arm for an entire day…or week…to myself.
So here I am. If you are in the same boat, I can relate. We Mommies are creative people with our own set of needs and desires that, many times, don’t get met. I know…whaaaahhhh! Right? Poor us. We are blessed with these amazing little creatures that we prayed for and wanted. How do we have the right to whine and complain about the fact that we don’t have time?! Didn’t we expect this? I mean, how stupid were we to think we’d somehow manage to carve out time and space in our lives for ourselves from time to time?! The funniest irony is that I used to look at my Mommy friends who had seemed to lose sense of what year we were in and think, “Really? Get a grip!” Ha! To all of those friends, I’m so, so sorry! Karma is a very cute thing, isn’t it?
I said all of that to say that I’m learning. I’m a work in progress. I’m realizing that this is a season in my life that I need to figure out how to cope with. Lately I feel like I’ve been coping in a resistant kicking and screaming kind of way. But I’d like to cope with it in a graceful, Audrey Hepburn kind of way with a lot of God’s grace sprinkled in. In other words, I don’t want to look back on this time in my life (and in case we’ve forgotten, it is just a short short time) and think, “Wow…I spent those crucial, precious, formative years of my kids’ younger years lamenting the fact that I had NO time to myself!” No no…NO!!! I want to look back and say, “I enjoyed EVERY second of those little years and I gave of myself 100%…completely and unselfishly…and I have NO regrets!”
So, if you’re struggling with this issue…past, present or future…will you pray with me?
Dear Lord,
Release me from the feeling of always needing more time. Provide help for me where and when I need it and cause me to utilize and redeem the time I do have to myself so I can be refilled and renewed for the task of taking care of small children. Realize in me the principle that, without you, I can do nothing. Help me to remember that when I feel defeated, emptied and exhausted. Just as airplanes can refuel in flight, help me to be refueled by your reserves that I have already stored up via prayer, verses, encouraging talks with friends, quotes, quality time with my husband and books I’ve read. Help me to find some space and time on a regular basis where I can unwind and rejuvenate, so that I can be absolutely present and prepared for what I have to face in my daily life without feeling deprived or drained. Help me to filter out unnecessary things that steal my joy or deplete me of the energy that I so desperately need.
Thank you for all you have given me. Amen
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