Over the past few weeks I’ve been struggling to figure out what it is that is stirring so strongly inside of me.  My head is reeling with fragments of ideas and creative whims that I just can’t seem to shake, and yet, as luck would have it, I don’t have the chance (or the energy once I get the chance) to explore and find out what my intuitive side is trying to tell me.  I’ve blogged and journaled and prayed many times about this crux – the feeling of needing to do something and the inability to actually do what it is I most crave.  As a mother, I actually feel guilty for even having such whims.  What is wrong with me?  Why don’t I want to sit in parks and discuss the ins and outs of my children’s daily routines and eating preferences?  Why can’t I be happy with seemingly endless days of playing with trucks, reminding my oldest to gently “roll the ball” rather than throw it with his very strong right arm, tickling the fat rolls on my baby’s legs and taking walks around the neighborhood with our dog leashed to the double stroller?  Why do I have to have something else (as if I need MORE things to do) stirring inside of me?

Lately, my days seem to be spent trying to find that 5 or 10 minutes here and there to just get a moment alone to brainstorm, read something that inspires me or clear my head.  My rational side tells me this is counterintuitive.  I need to just accept that right now, I’m a Mom and I don’t get to have a life outside of that.  Plus, even if I were that frivolous, when would I have the time to explore and expand upon all that my tired little brain is thinking up?

Earlier, before I had kids, I would have called my predicament something like “martyrdom”.  I hated hearing women/men complain about something they had consciously chosen.  I still don’t like hearing someone talk about something they have inevitably brought upon themselves.  I’ve always hated hearing that people are “crazy busy” as if that were a bad thing.  Aren’t they in charge of their schedules?  I equally dislike hearing about someone’s job they hate or weight they can’t seem to lose or husband they can’t stand.  We all have choices, right?  You betcha!

I don’t think anyone who chooses to have kids consciously thinks, “OK…I will now have to put my life on hold for a few years and be completely content to not have any goals other than getting the laundry done, the dishes unloaded from the dishwasher, the food prepared for dinner and keeping the kids happy.”  I think most of us think we can have it all.  I certainly did.  I certainly do.  I just need to figure out how that’s accomplished.  And I haven’t quite done that yet.

Right now I’m reading a book called “The Fire Starter Sessions.”  Actually, I’m reading several books as I look over at my nightstand.  I am also reading the book, “Raising Happiness” and some other book about scream-free parenting.  ha!  As you can see, I’m not reading any fantasy novels.  Nope.  No sir!  I have to read books about how to be better at things than I already am.  I need to read books that help give me a different perspective or a different way of doing things…a better way than I’m currently doing them.  I’m a knowledge seeker. I get turned on by more information.  The library and Barnes & Noble get me all hot and bothered.  I can’t think of the last time I actually read something for pleasure.  In fact, I think all of my books are resources.  Gee…I need help.  Good thing I have plenty of self-help books!

Well, the point of this post is that my head is spinning and I need to resolve whatever it is that is causing me to be unsettled.  The irony in all of this is that I used to be able to take a hot bath, write in my journal, do some brainstorming exercises and read some helpful books to get these things out of my system, and now I have no time to bother with any of it.

My current MO is to delve deeper into being a loving wife and a caring, patient, kind mother, a great teacher to my kids, a kick ass cook of all things kid friendly and yummy and healthy, a good friend and sister and neighbor, and then, when I have half a brain in me and some extra seconds in my day, to jot down ideas or thoughts as they come to mind.  If I try to be any more ambitious than that, I find myself spiraling down a steep slope of crazy.

Today, through my reading and some brainstorming (while both kiddos were asleep – all of 10 minutes), it became clear to me that what I want most in my life is authenticity.  I don’t want perfection. I gave that up a long time ago.  I don’t even want more than I already have.  We are blessed with so much as it is!  What I most want is for my life to reflect what it is I love most.  I think it does for the most part.  And I’m grateful for that.  I don’t have the urge to keep up with anyone – especially the Jones’s.  I don’t need for my house to be sparkling clean because it won’t be for many years to come.  I don’t need more of anything. All I really want is to live in the present, able to embrace this fleeting moments, to act on my values and create and love and be ME.  I don’t want to ever apologize for the person I am and what is important to me. 

My mantra for this week:  Be at peace where you are.  Love the life that is yours and live it to the fullest.