My head is literally spinning right now. I had a fabulous morning with my babies. I got up, got the boys fed and all of us dressed and immediately got in the car to go to the mall. Why? Because I needed to get out of the house and there were a couple of sales I’ve been wanting to check out. We got home later than I had planned at around 12:15pm and the telecourse had already started, but I quickly joined in while getting lunch prepared for my little guy and nursing my other little guy. It wasn’t exactly the quiet hour I had hoped for in terms of getting to really process what was said or let it sink in like I wanted it to, but I came away with some really great nuggets of wisdom to chew on this week (I keep using that word “chew” because I guess all I can think about is eating).
First of all, the question was asked, “What do I need to release to better align myself with a new way of being? Next was “What do I need to embrace…?” and the third statement she asked us to complete was “Life is…” Throughout this course, she asks class members to stay open to all possibilities and all things that are revealed and not be quick to judge or reject thoughts or ideas that come to the forefront. Even though I was knee-deep in microwaving some pasta from last night’s dinner for my son and making goo goo eyes at my baby over the kitchen counter, my thoughts went to the one thing that I am fighting to release: I need to release my ridiculous expectations for myself! Why do I get so caught up in this need to have my house perfectly cleaned, the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away, the dinner made, the pantry stocked, the refrigerator full, the drawers organized, etc…etc…??? I know, like anything, my addiction to this is as serious as someone else’s addiction to cigarettes. I absolutely love the idea of being super mom and able to pull it all together. But at what cost? Are my kids happier because the house is clean? Does anyone else but me notice when the laundry is piling up and clothes need to be put away? Why then, is this some black cloud that looms over my head until it’s done? The sick part about it is, it’s NEVER done! So, in essence, that sense of accomplishment I hope to one day feel will never be felt — at least not while I live with children and dogs!
As far as the question about embracing…I really can’t answer that clearly. I would suppose that I would love to embrace living my life for once and not worrying about the fact that I have cobwebs under my kitchen cabinets and tiny ants marching across my kitchen counters looking for sweet, sticky goo (which is plentiful at the moment). I would love to embrace the day I’m in rather than worrying about the day that lies ahead or the work that needs to be done (in order for me to feel a sense of accomplishment).
When I thought about the statement, “Life is…,” my answer was, “Life is too short to be a perfectionist.” Man, I needed my inner voice to shout that out loudly from the mountain tops! I am and have always been SUCH a perfectionist to the point that I can’t complete (or sometimes even start) a project for fear that it might not be perfect. I have let that go throughout the years in many facets of my life, but the need to do things perfectly has paralyzed me more than once and I’m SICK OF IT! Disclaimer: My need to be perfect or have things done perfectly rarely lines up with any notion that I am perfect or do anything perfectly. It’s merely a ridiculous standard I have set for myself and judged myself against.
In addition to these questions/statements to ponder, she said a few things that really hit home:
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” That is SO for me! I have that disease in abundance. I can cook well, so I should every night of the week. It used to be, “I can sing loudly, so I should” or “I can sing high notes well, so I should sing them all the time” or “I have enough time in my schedule to take on 40 students a week, so I should.” Then I feel guilty when things don’t work out…simply because I could, but I shouldn’t have.
The other quote I loved from today’s telecourse was,”I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I intended to sing remains unsung.” OUCH!!!!!!! My first thought was the SNL skit from the 80’s called “The Anal Retentive Chef”. He spent the entire segment cleaning up the kitchen, sharpening his blades, putting things in this or that baggy to throw away, but he never got around to cooking anything. This would be ME on any given day. I find myself walking in circles saying to myself, “I need to get this or that done…before I can do this or that.” Huh? Does anyone relate to me on this one? Or am I really crazy? We either spend our days making sure everything is perfect or we actually live and enjoy our lives. This is so poignant for me because I used to have time to make sure things were perfect. Now I don’t even have time to make sure things are mediocre.
So, on that note, I have spent this afternoon breathing…letting go of the fact that there are leaves all over the floor and every time I step on my kitchen floor my toes stick to something. The ants are having a huge party on my kitchen counter. Go for it! My child is asleep sitting up on the couch because I know he is tired and needs to sleep a little, but I don’t have the energy to pick him up and put him in his bed or bean bag chair for a nap. Leftovers and probably chicken nuggets with ranch dip will be served for dinner tonight and my laundry will go another day without getting done. The package I prepared to send my MIL for Halloween will go another day without being sent and the package I planned to send my girlfriend Jenn for her birthday (in February) will go another week or month or maybe til Christmas. (sorry Jenn!)
What I keep asking myself is, “What is causing this stirring in you, Amy?” Why now? Well, my Grandma just died and I thought I’d have many more days to call her up on the phone, so I didn’t call her when I should have. I probably had a sparkling clean kitchen on one of the days that I could have had a great conversation with her. My uncles are being total jerks and causing a family dispute over my Grandma’s estate, and my Mom’s family is complete upheaval over this ordeal. My friend Anna lost her Dad this past year to cancer. My friend Dan lost his Dad this past year to cancer. My friend Sarah lost her father two years ago. A young mother friend of a friend passed away with leukemia over a month ago and left a one year old baby boy and a loving husband behind. A former student’s Mom who is also a friend wrote me an email today after I haven’t heard from her in months and told me that her husband returned from Iraq and didn’t want to be married anymore. Weeks later, she learned she has breast cancer. She has two children to raise and her world has turned upside down. My first boyfriend and close friend of the family killed himself in 2002. My favorite Aunt died of skin cancer when I was in 4th grade. My uncle died 3 years before that in a tragic car accident. Every day, I hear about something horrible and tragic — whether I experience it myself or I know someone who is experiencing it. Most of the time, these occurrences make me briefly stop and think, “Wow! You never know what could happen in your life! Be grateful for what you’ve got right now.” But that never lasts. Shortly thereafter, I always end up back at square one — obsessing over the little things that won’t matter at all in the big scheme of things.
So, I got caught up with kiddos at the end of this telecourse and only heard a bit of what the assignment was over the next week, but I’ll tell you what my assignment for myself is:
- Love myself and give myself a break
- Love my partner and give him a break
- Love my kids and give them a break
- Oh yes, and love my dog and give her a break
- Notice the things/ideas/thoughts/aversions in my everyday life and begin to make a shift in my perspective.
- Start to create space with that shift in perspective and experience more freedom in my everyday life
- Quit playing the victim when things don’t align themselves with my own unrealistic expectations by saying things like, “I wish these kids would just…” or “I haven’t had any time to do…” or “I’m fed up with…” I am in charge of my own destiny. I have control over how things are in my life. I am not a victim of my circumstances, my lack of energy or my almost 3-year-old who doesn’t want to be potty trained or go to bed at a decent hour.
- Go with the flow in my everyday life and seek peace over accomplishment
- Figure out what things do need to be done and get a system down for doing them easily (ie-budget, meal planning, working out, singing, grocery shopping, etc…)
- Embrace the life that is mine. With all its flaws and imperfections and joys and craziness and love and untidy-ness and cobwebs and sticky floors — THIS IS YOUR LIFE, Amy! Love it…or learn to!
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