I don’t know if it’s the fact that every time I get an extra ounce of energy to do something, I’m quickly brought back to reality by the fact that one or both of my kids needs me for something STAT. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m constantly lacking energy and feeling more sleep deprived than ever. Whatever it is, I have absolutely NO motivation or inspiration to do anything. I give up. I surrender all. I’m done.
This morning and all day yesterday, I kept asking myself, “What is WRONG with me?!” I hate hate hate feeling this way. I don’t like to complain. I don’t like to be stagnant and blah. I don’t like feeling like I have no control over my life and what happens or doesn’t happen over the course of a day. But, somehow, here I am. What’s funny is that I don’t really have anything super pressing to do. I just miss that feeling of waking up and being able to accomplish something trivial without having to use ALL the energy I have to fight through and make something happen against all odds. When I speak of accomplishing something, I must make myself clear: I’m not forging through a complex business plan — or any business plan for that matter. I’m not even attempting to clean my house or make a meal. I am merely attempting to make a couple of necessary telephone calls or get on my computer for more than 5 seconds to check emails and get some necessary things in order for the week and weekend coming up. How hard is that? Why does it feel monumental?
I love my boys. I love my life. I’m so grateful for all that I have. Why then…oh WHYYYY do I have these moments where I just feel helpless and depressed about my current state? I don’t even think it’s the day to day stuff — although that does have a tendency to create a sense of ambiguity for even the strongest of women who are mothers and/or stay-at-home mothers. I don’t mind the dirty diapers or the endless pile of toys or the spit-up stained and stretched out shirts that were once “cute”. The reality is, I don’t have any complaints about being a Mommy. It’s so gratifying for me and, while exhausting, the most fun I’ve ever had. So why does this dark cloud loom overhead?
We just had a wonderful weekend spending time with my Aunt and Uncle from Denver and doing all kinds of fun stuff in Austin. They were amazed at how versatile my kids were. We took them everywhere and were gone all day and yet, at the end of a very long day, they were still smiling. How fortunate are we? I’m so glad I’m not stuck at home with two grumpy kids who can’t be flexible when we do something out of the ordinary. I can virtually take them anywhere and it works. So, why am I complaining?
Well, I think what’s getting me down the most right now is my inability to take my inspiration and run with it like I used to. I am a creative person by nature. I don’t just like being creative. I thrive on being creative. Whether creativity should strike by working on my voice and widdling my way through an interpretation of a song in a foreign language, or picking out a new paint color for a room in my house, or writing in my journal or letting my wheels turn on possibilities with my current business or businesses that have yet to be created — I love to create! When I don’t get to create, I get grouchy. I get complacent. I get stagnant. I get bored. I truly think this is why I didn’t have kids sooner in my life. I mean, I guess I also needed a husband, too, right? But, I really resisted having kids because of this very issue.
Everything about having kids goes against my nature. I’m not highly social. Having kids makes you highly social — like it or not. If you don’t feel like talking or being around people, guess what? With kids you will be around people ALL day long and either have to talk a lot yourself or listen to someone else talk (or babble)! If you aren’t at home with your kids alone, you are being social by being out on playdates or birthday parties, the park, storytime at the library or some class for kids. Yay for being social! No more holing up and giving myself time and space to breathe before I go out in public! lol
So, I guess that’s it in a nutshell. I’m struggling with some fundamental personality conflicts with myself and where I am in my life. I never thought I’d say that with regards to being a Mommy. I used to frown upon hearing that friends of mine were dissatisfied when they had beautiful children and a husband — the perfect life! But, I think with every phase of life comes a bit of inner dialogue and conflict. This is not for wimps. I love it and thank God every day that he blessed me with two beautiful children, but I also mourn the loss of myself. That sounds so cliche, right? I hated that phrase as well. How do you lose yourself? You just get redefined, right? Well, redefining who you are is not always so simple. One can only relinquish so much of herself: her time, her energy, her choice of radio stations, her choice of how many hours of sleep she gets, her choice of how spicy she makes dinner, her choice of where she spends her day, her choice of what television shows she watches — if any at all, her choice of how much time she gets to spend doing things she likes to do, before she starts feeling a little desperate.
I am not a victim, though. I have never liked people who make themselves out to be victims or martyrs. And I never thought they made good Mommies. We all have our own cross to bear. We all make choices. I made mine and I’m so glad I did. But, I really don’t see any other way of doing things for a while, and that’s hard to swallow sometimes. Sure, I can go out with girlfriends on occasion or plan a date night with my husband. Sure, I can carve out time for myself throughout the week or start planning ahead for creative ventures that make me feel alive again. I know all that stuff. And sure, the occasional outings or time and space do help. But the reality is, I need to find a way to accept this change in my life and be content. No amount of sleep or time to myself is going to change the reality — I have two young children who need me…constantly. I honestly don’t feel like I need a vacation from that to make me feel better. I need to accept it, find a way to be creative and remain who I was born to be AND be a great Mommy. The question is how? There is no silence in my day where I’m awake enough to breathe deeply and meditate. There is no unpaid help that could potentially relieve me a couple hours a week for some ME time. There’s no Grandma standing by to babysit my kids so I can have a date night with my husband. So, somehow, I need to accept that, right now, for this short phase in my life, I am going to not have the time or energy to be creative. I am not going to be able to do those things that personally fulfil ME — at least not on a regular basis. And with this reality in mind, how will I proceed? Hmmm…interesting stuff to think about.
So, here’s my gratitude list for today:
- my two boys who are so little and sweet right now. This phase of their lives won’t last long, so I can embrace it and love it!
- my colorful life full of inspiration that I will one day be able to act upon
- my extended family — aunts, uncles, cousins — who add richness and fulfilment to our lives
- it’s raining outside
- my son is getting ready to turn 3. My life has changed so much since he was born and FOR THE BETTER! Without him, life would be so dull (and quiet).
- my cozy house that is dark and lit with candles right now
- my 6 students who are coming today for lessons.
- having a good hair day
- all these magazines that I will one day be able to sit and look at and get inspiration from
- great friends to share fun experiences with
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