Restoring Balance
Somehow lately, I’ve been feeling like the world was closing in on me. I don’t know why that is. It’s that gnawing feeling that happens when you take on something new…something in addition to what you’re already doing. And this new thing doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It actually doesn’t matter if it’s negative or positive. Whether the new thing is meeting a new friend or taking up a new job or potty training your 3 year old…some things are just too much to think about all at the same time. I don’t feel depressed. But, I do feel overwhelmed. I think the feeling of overwhelm is causing me to be depressed.
My friends who have moved on from having young children constantly say things like, “Let it go…downsize…don’t worry about that right now…focus on the kids…they will only be little for so long…etc…” Yes, I know that. And I felt it for sure this past Sunday morning as I drove away from my two boys sitting as cute as they could be in their red wagon in the driveway and I headed 30 minutes downtown to rehearse my children’s choir. In and of itself, this choir is a great thing. The kids are great. The church is really special. I like it. It feels right. On the other hand, shaving my legs is a task I can’t seem to get around to doing lately, so is this job (on top of my private voice studio) too much? Probably. Do I want to quit because it’s too much? Not really. There’s something telling me, “Amy…stick it out. Don’t be emotional. It’s not that big of a deal!”
I felt the same way today as I finally got away to get some stuff done and I find myself on my computer writing a mother back and forth about rescheduling her daughter’s lesson. I teach 6 kids. 6. And it feels like I have to rearrange the planets when I make plans to go out of town or one of my kids or I are too sick for me to teach. I realize they are paying me money to teach their children, but can’t they just be reasonable with regard to rescheduling the lessons? At this point, I’d rather just credit her than take ANY more time out of my day to respond to emails and try to rearrange my schedule to get her in at a time that probably won’t be convenient.
To make my point, obligations in and of themselves aren’t bad. We are all obligated. And when you are running your own business or work, it doesn’t matter how big or small the job is, you still have things you have to do that take time out of your schedule. That wouldn’t be a bad thing either, if I only had time. I just hate this predicament. Deep down I know my kids will only be little once. And somehow, running a small business and teaching this children’s choir is a breath of fresh air for me and a good way for me to earn some extra money. I just wish I didn’t feel pulled at from every angle right now. It’s to the point where everything/everyone feels like an obligation and I don’t like feeling like that. I want to enjoy my life. I want to enjoy my time with my kids. But, apparently, these distractions, however minute, are GIGANTIC in my head.
So, I guess it’s time, once again, to skim off the top. See what is a priority and do that and only that. I don’t have it in me to do any more than ALL I am able to do. If I offend someone or earn a little less, sobeit. I can’t worry about anyone else right now. That’s so hard for me to do. I worry constantly that I’m letting people down. I can’t anymore. I only have to worry that I’m letting my family down. And in the process, that I’m letting myself down.
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