by Amy | Aug 1, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
OK, I’m a hot mess today! Why does this always happen after my family leaves from visiting? We were just getting over being sick last week when they hinted to the idea that they might be coming in town. The next thing I knew, I was receiving a text message at 8:00am on Sunday morning saying they were roughly 40 miles away from our house!!! Who does that? Not only that, but they just then decided to mention that they were bringing my 11 year old niece. Really?? I mean, I was glad she was coming on one hand, but I was also a little peeved that no one bothered to mention it to me beforehand.
So, they came. They got in around 8:45am on Sunday morning. We had plans to go to church, so we went and came back and met them for lunch at one of their favorite Mexican places right by our house. We ate, we had fun and we came home. Later on, Thomas cooked dinner for us all — a very flavorful gulf shrimp and pasta.
Then, the real shit hit the fan. Thomas started getting sick (again) that night and wasn’t feeling well at all the next morning, but he went to work anyway. We all rounded up after breakfast and went to IKEA. My Mom can roam a store like that for HOURS. My back wasn’t doing well, so it was really hard on me and the kids were pretty tired too, but we had fun and we made it through the store without any major meltdowns. When we got back home, I made some Asian sesame noodles and we all had a nice dinner.
The next morning, I awoke to learn my Mom had been up sick all night. As we ate breakfast, my niece also got sick and they both ended up lying down for the most part of the day. I felt so bad for them. We weren’t able to do much of anything but hang out at the house all day. My Dad didn’t want to risk getting sick, so he took off before lunch and was gone all day. When I got the kids down for their nap at around 3pm, I began making pizza dough for pizzas later. That’s when the drama began.
My sister (my niece’s mother) was writing me text messages and asking about her daughter and how everyone was doing. I didn’t have time to text at that moment, so I wrote her and said I’d call her back later. She was clearly upset by that and began texting me angry messages.
I don’t want to get into all of that, because it’s not worth rehashing…however, it brings up some emotions in me that I want to deal with.
I seriously get almost physically ill everytime my parents come and leave. One reason is because they never tell me exactly when they are coming. They might say something general like, “This weekend…” but I never know when they are arriving until they are in Dallas. This time, it was even later than that. This doesn’t give a person time to shower…let alone buy groceries and get the house ready.
On top of never knowing when they are coming, they like to keep us out of the loop as to when they are leaving. For some reason, it seems like they just get here and are able to rest up from their long trip and they have to turn around and leave again. I don’t really know why that is, honestly. Today, we got up and had breakfast. I was planning on cleaning up a bit and taking the boys and dog for a walk. My Dad acted like he wanted to join us. As I’m cleaning up after breakfast and putting away dishes, my Mom came in and said, “I think we’re leaving around noon.” What?! Really?! I felt a huge surge of emotions take over me. I said, “oh…uh…ok…I was thinking we could go to lunch somewhere and Thomas was planning on taking off and meeting us for lunch or dinner.” I had unconsciously planned our day with them here, and I had to stop in my tracks and change plans. This isn’t easy for me to do — especially when it comes to family.
Truth be told, I’m a planner. I’m not the most organized or well-planned person out there, but I like to know what I’m doing from one day to the next. If I’m really on top of things, I like to know what we’re doing for the entire week, and sometimes I know what we’re doing over the next two weeks or month. I don’t like things sprung on me. I didn’t before kids, and I don’t now. Sure, I can be flexible and go with the flow, but I like to know what we’re doing. I like to have a plan.
So, we took a walk. My Dad went with us. They packed up their car. We met them at HEB so they could get some stuff to take back with them. We went from there to The Corner Bakery and ate lunch. Thomas met us. They got in their car and left for K.C. That’s it.
And you know what? I’m sad. I’m really sad. It takes me a while to adjust to them being here and how they are. But after a day or two, I’m used to it and it works. This time, we didn’t even have that much time. It was so short. And so filled with sickness. And who knows when we will be up there again to see them. I don’t know. I’d like to say we could make it back in a couple months. But, truthfully, I don’t know. I don’t know how we’d get there. Where we’d stay. How we’d cope.
Anyway…slap slap…snap out of it! That’s what I plan to do. I plan to hug my babies a little tighter today and enjoy them. And then, I plan to hug and kiss my man a little tighter when he gets home and just enjoy his presence in my life. These past few days took a lot out of us. And the past couple weeks before that took even more. We’ve been exhausted. We’ve been stressed. And now I just want to relax and enjoy each other…and bask in the love and joy we have as a little family.
The hardest part for me about growing up and growing older is knowing that you grow more and more separated from your own parents as you grow closer to your own children. I wish it didn’t have to be like that. I really love my parents. I miss seeing them more and talking to them. I really do. But, there’s a big disconnect. There are things they do that I simply don’t understand. I feel like everything I do or just my sheer existence and way of doing things makes them uncomfortable.
Anyway…long way of saying, I’m sad. I am fortunate enough to have girlfriends who call me up and pray with me over the phone. I needed it. I love that I have friends who understand my tears as much as they do my laughter.
Thank you, God!
by Amy | Jul 27, 2012 | mama confessions
We’ve all heard of “The Blues”…but I would venture to say that “The Blahs” are perhaps a little worse. The Blahs are ambiguous and meaningless. There’s no reason to feel “blah”…and yet, I do.
Here’s what’s frustrating, to me, about The Blahs. First of all, it makes me feel ungrateful for having down time and being home with my kids. I have no right to be bored with life and yearning for more exciting days, do I?
Well, I’d love to make my first post in TWO weeks be about something upbeat, but my girlfriend challenged me to write honestly today. And this is honest.
As I type this, I look outside my window and my husband is carrying my 14 month old on his shoulders and pushing a stroller with my 3 1/2 year old in it. The dog is following closely behind them. It is a beautiful, sunny, hot summer evening. We just went out for dinner (because I was too blah to cook something). It’s about time for the boys’ baths and bedtime. We’ve had a relatively good day. No major events. No more throwing up (for now).
I guess I need to back up a bit. Our family has been very sick over the past few days. It started with my husband getting sick last Tuesday and it has lingered into this week with my baby still throwing up. We haven’t really met any friends or gone anywhere for a solid WEEK! The laundry has been washed and put away numerous times and the house continues to be in a perpetual cycle from toys everywhere to everything neat and tidy (because being home every second of every day means you have time to put things away). I find myself obsessing, walking from room to room, saying “check” under my breath while I walk in and out of each room assessing the room’s state. Then, I find myself going and checking my computer to see if anyone has written me, but chances are, no one has, so I end up going on Facebook to see if anyone else’s life is more exciting than mine. This lasts until one of my kids inevitably hits or kicks or pushes the other one down, forcing me to get up and take care of the situation and return to checking rooms for untidy-ness.
Today was a particularly difficult day for me in the boredom and mundane department. We still couldn’t meet anyone for a playdate, and I couldn’t hire someone to watch my kids because I didn’t want to take the risk of us infecting someone else with this stomach bug. So, here we were…again. We read books. We sang. We played. They played while I cleaned the kitchen. We watched some shows on PBS. We went to the park. We ate lunch. I waited for them to take a nap. I tried to get some things done on my computer. One of them delayed going to sleep and kept asking me to get him something. Then he fell asleep…finally. I tried to get more done on my computer. The other woke up. I spent an hour trying to improve his mood. The other one woke up after having peed all over himself and the couch while napping. Cleaned him up. Changed his clothes. Cleaned up the couch. Tried to occupy them both until their Dad came home. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I feel like I have to write a disclaimer every time I say anything less than extremely grateful or positive. I love my kids and I love our days together. I know I will look back one day and wish they were this small again. I will remember these times fondly, because they are sweet times. They truly are. But, they are also damn hard times too. And you know what nobody tells you? These times test your sense of self. They try your true identity. And, I think I could get a loud AMEN when I say that they are often times VERY lonely. It’s true. If you don’t have a strong sense of self and don’t know who you are and don’t have a strong support network, these times, when your children are very young, are extremely challenging for most people. Most days, you get by. Other days, you barely survive and thank GOD when you can finally collapse on your sofa with a glass of wine and a piece of fine chocolate when it’s all over. But days like today, you go through all the motions, because you know that you will do the same things tomorrow. You will have the same routine where you will get the kids fed, dressed, deal with meltdowns, attempt to entertain and teach, attempt to do things you need to do, come to the realization that you won’t get much accomplished, feed the kids again, clean up poop, pee, spit up, throw up, snot, toys, wet sinks, dirty dishes, attempt to play with the kids, stretch the kids until Daddy comes home, cook dinner (or not), feed them, clean up dinner, give them baths, read them books, pray, kiss them good night and run through the house picking up toys again when it’s all over.
You cannot wipe the blank stare off your face. It’s stuck there for today. There’s no relief to the blahs other than to hopefully go to bed, sleep it off and wake up the next morning feeling like the tasks that lie ahead are new to the day and the challenges are ready to be taken on. I pray the blahs go away with today. Tomorrow is a new day!
by Amy | Jul 12, 2012 | mama confessions
Call it more sleep…call it summertime…call it coming out of the fog…no matter what you call it, it’s a good thing! Many of you who have followed my (very irregular) string of posts have probably noticed that I’ve been rather dismal over the past few months due to the stress and strain that comes from being a Mommy to two boys…and especially to one in particular who hasn’t been sleeping very well since he was born. In addition to that, though, I’ve also become rather dissatisfied with my work as a voice teacher and have been frantically scurrying to find a waynotto do it anymore. Also, my parents have been going through a really difficult patch in their lives: First, my Dad had a stroke and underwent surgery on his carotid arteries…then their financial problems went from bad to much much worse…and because of all of this, we haven’t really gotten to see them or spend time with them, and I’ve felt helpless and so sad for them. That doesn’t even begin to touch on the fact that I lost my Grandma last September. Man…what a wonderful, but tough year!
Over the past few months, in my (ha ha!) spare time, I’ve been brainstorming, reading books, reading blogs, journaling and PRAYING about what God has in store for me and my family. Was I simply being a whiny, bratty baby who was throwing a temper tantrum because I was too tired? Or was I really going through a crisis and needing to make some major life changes?
I hate to complain. And more, I hate complainers. Especially when that complainer is ME. I am truthfully SO grateful and humbled by the wonderful people and opportunities in my life. I, of all people, should not even think about complaining. Or should I?
Biblically, we are taught to “be content in whatever state we’re in…”, but I have been less than content. Something has been stirring with me, and I have been going crazy to figure out what it was. Thankfully, I am now able to look at things from a broader perspective. While I know that I should be content because God has given me all things, I also know that my need for change is healthy and normal too. If we were never moved to change by discontentment, we’d forever be in the same place in our lives. Boring. And dismal. So, I have made friends with discontentment. It shouldn’t define me. But, I can also embrace it. And that, I have done.
So, I said all that to say…and by the way, there is no climax to this post. This is truly just another rant…but a good one. I said all that to say that I am finally starting to see a clear light at the end of my tunnel. My tunnel was never dark, btw. It was never dismal. It was never desperate. It was just lackluster. It was also a very exhausting, draining tunnel. Navigating days of activities, potty training, nursing, baby book editing (which never happened), cooking healthy meals, trying to save money on healthy food at the store, arranging play time, playdates, play activities, arranging me time, arranging ANY time — all on about 5 hours of interrupted sleep on a GOOD day. That can get anyone down and make them feel a little discombobulated. But the light has arrived. My now toddler has gotten better at the sleep gig. He is doing so much better. There are still nights, like last night, when he was clingy and needy and restless and wakeful and ANNOYING, but those are becoming fewer and farther between. And in the words of Johnny Nash:
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.
To get to the point, I am SO so blessed. I have always felt blessed, but right now, I feel extremely blessed. I have such a wonderful husband. He does so much for me and for our boys. He is my rock. He is the most selfless human being I know. He always puts others’ needs before his own needs. I love that about him! Then, I have these wonderful, little, amazing creatures walking around in my house right now. It’s so easy to think that they will always be this way, but I know from experience that they will not. Things change in an instant. They grow. They change. They stop saying words and sentences incorrectly. They stop giggling from the belly and being curious about every little thing. They get taller. They lose that baby fat. So, right now, I’m grateful for the sweet little cheeks…the constant noise…the babble…the fun. It is so wonderful to be a Mommy. It’s something you can never explain or put into words. It is truly amazing! Then, I have this plethora…and I mean AMAZING plethora of girlfriends who I LOVE. They get me. I get them. They are there for me. I am there for them. While I’ve always had great friends throughout my life, I think it is only now that I realize the importance of these friendships which have evolved over time with me. All of my friendships are truly unique and individual. I don’t really and haven’t ever really belonged to a “group” of friends, per se. My friends are all very different. I could go on and on, but let’s just say I am so so incredibly humbled and grateful for them right now.
Unfortunately, there is much more than that to share, but I am going to refrain and get some things done instead. I have just a little bit of time before the boys will be up from their naps and I need to make use of that time.
More later…
by Amy | Jul 6, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
What a wonderful 4th of July we had this year! There were no burn bans in effect. We even bought some fireworks ourselves! But, most importantly, we were able to give of our time and energy to invite friends over for lunch to BBQ and take food over to some friends’ house who just moved into town. It was completely exhausting, but so worth it! I only wish we would have had a little more down time to enjoy the day together, but I’m so happy we were able to enjoy our day.
Our celebrations started off with us all having dinner on Tuesday, July 3rd and going outside to watch the fireworks in the cul-de-sac with our neighbors Sue Ann, Lee and DeAnna. We are able to see the fireworks display from Avery Ranch. The firework display didn’t last very long, but the boys were so thrilled. Julian was clapping and laughing…Tate was wide-eyed. It was so memorable!
The next day, we got up and got the house ready for guests. It wasn’t easy. Both boys were extra needy and active. Thomas and I were both attempting to wrap up some things — the yard, cooking, preparing the table, etc… and the boys seem to be on a path of destruction. Nevertheless, our guests, Anita and Jan, came and we had a nice time. Shortly after they left, we got ready and headed out the door to pick up Rudy’s and head over to Yasaswi and Dominique’s to welcome them to Austin. Their kids were so cute and our boys just loved them and had the best time.
On our way home, we saw a lot of fireworks from the highway and then picked up some fireworks for the kids to enjoy. There were only a few, but they were really fun and Tate thoroughly enjoyed them. Julian was asleep by then, of course.
All in all, we had a wonderful day! I am finding that the dog days of summer are getting to be more and more fun with these growing, funny, active boys. There is never a dull moment, but we manage to always have a blast. I love my little crew!
by Amy | Jun 30, 2012 | mama confessions
This morning I’m taking Mommy Time. Not to go to the store. Not to work out. Not to run an errand. Not to work. I’m just chillin’ at a cafe and trying to relax a bit.
It’s been a stressful week. And, may I mention that I always hate saying that? Why? Because everyone has stressful weeks. And, because I chose this life. I did. Every ounce of it. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
For starters, my boys are getting increasingly more active. They aren’t satisfied with just hanging out at home with Mommy anymore. They aren’t easy to take places either. Everything…and I mean EVERYTHING is a challenge. On most days, I go with the flow and can take it. But there are other, more sleep deprived days that I just can’t. The days in this past week were filled with the ones that drove me over the edge.
So, what does a Mommy do to rejuvenate? I have a hard time buying into the pedicure/massage/shopping bit. I mean, I’m sure those things help, but if I think of every escape as a reason to spend money I don’t have, I won’t do it very often. And truthfully, I’ve found that those things don’t necessarily rejuvenate me, personally. I wish I could be that easily distracted and be able to relax that effortlessly.
For me, rejuvenation is about saying “no”. And, I’ve been realizing that more and more lately about myself.
This whole idea of saying “no” was going to be a blog post in and of itself, but I wasn’t able to write last night…so I’m combining posts.
Lately, I’ve been feeling this tremendous PULL toward doing rather than just being. It happens so unconsciously that I don’t even notice it’s happening. But, because of what I’ve learned, I feel a huge responsibility to my kids to teach them this basic concept that will hopefully help them stay grounded — or at least have a grounded home base to return to — throughout their lives.
I was talking to a wonderful, beautiful friend of mine on the phone the other day about this. We know in our heart of hearts that we need to regularly practice the act of simply being in this world and not constantly filling our lives with things to do. But even those of us who consciously practice with this idea struggle. It makes me see even more how difficult it must be for those who don’t even think about it, but involuntarily find themselves on the hamster wheel.
For me, saying “no” to invitations to go and do even potentially fun things is something I have to consciously and purposely do. It doesn’t take long before my day is filled up with a phone call, a visit to the doctor, a playdate, a trip to the grocery store, a lunch with a friend and getting on the computer. Before I know it, my day can turn from being free and clear to cluttered and stressful. Now, granted, I have to admit that I fall into the category of being smack dab in the middle of introvert/extrovert on the Meyer’s Briggs scale. If you haven’t taken that test, it is very eye opening to how you function in the world. I have found that I function best when I have had time to myself to rejuvenate and clear my head. I always have been that way. Once I have had that time, I can go out and be the life of the party and spend quality time with those I love to be around. But, if I haven’t had that time to myself first, I am a total, discombobulated wet mop and miserable to be around.
So, back to saying “no”. It’s hard to do. I think it is particularly hard for a few reasons. For me, saying “no” isn’t so hard, but I think I do struggle with others’ perceptions of me when I do it. I have a lot of great friends who I like to see and talk to, and my kids like their kids. When I say “no” now, I feel like I not only deprive myself and my friends, but I deprive my kids of interaction with others that they enjoy being around. I also think that I struggle with the perception of being “flaky”. If I say “yes” or even “maybe” originally to something that actually overloads my schedule and causes me stress, I have a hard time backtracking and saying, “Ya know what? I made plans with you, but I’m feeling tired today and need a day to just be home with the kids.” I have the world’s most understanding, down-to-earth friends, but I still feel terrible doing it.
Yesterday, I bit the bullet. I had tentatively made plans with a girlfriend I love spending time with. The problem is, it just didn’t work out timewise with my kids and her’s. The schedules weren’t aligning. We were going to need to accommodate her child’s schedule and drive to the other end of town at a time when my kids normally nap to make it work. Because I don’t see this friend as often as I’d like, I usually try to do what works for her/her child so we can spend time together. But yesterday, I was tired. I was feeling the need to ground myself and get things done around the house. I was feeling the need to pull back and allow my kids to just have a schedule free day. So, after a couple of nail biting hours of contemplation, I called her and said it wouldn’t work. And ya know what? She was relieved because it was going to be hard for her to pull off as well.
The moral of the story is, WHY oh WHY do we feel this compelling need to stick to our word and keep plans? That may be a great philosophy for thriving businesses and high powered officers of state, but is it such a good philosophy for tired Mommies or even women (and men) in the world of playdates and backyard BBQs? Sure, we want to be trustworthy and reliable. Sure, we want people to be able to depend on us and not feel like we are always flaky with plans. But at what cost? Who are we trying to please here?
Have you ever found yourself sitting somewhere with people and thinking to yourself, “I should have just stayed home? Why did I do this to myself? I’m not up for it?” I have asked that many times. And the answer I always have is, “Because I didn’t want to let the other person down.” Truth be told, I have rarely been let down by a person who cancelled and honestly admitted that they just weren’t up for it. Yeah, there may be a slight initial disappointment if I was really looking forward to the meeting or event, but I always quickly regrouped and moved on. That’s just me. I don’t like to ever make people feel guilty for their choices. What I want most for my friends is that they are true to themselves. We have enough obligations in the world — dishes, laundry, taking care of the every day needs of our children, our spouses, working, meeting deadlines and just basic showing up. I don’t need my friends to ever feel like they have to show up on my account.
Some of my best days have come from just listening to my soul’s need for rest and relaxation and taking the opportunity to say “no” to outside invitations — however pleasant and appealing they may sound. I also want my children to learn this. It’s important that they know that their value doesn’t come from being constantly busy. They also need to learn to self-entertain, create and most importantly, just BE. If they can’t learn this early on, they will be ever searching for happiness and not ever able to find it within themselves.
I must say, that I’ve learned the art of being early on. My parents didn’t have the means to take us all over God’s creation for playdates and recreational activities. In the summer, we were lucky if we made it once a week to the pool or the park. Most of our days weren’t planned. They just happened. We would play with our toys, make believe, get bored, build forts, get in fights, tickle each other, make up songs and all of the other things kids do.
I’m not saying that is a bad thing to have planned days. I wish my parents would have planned more of our days and instilled in me a better since of planning ahead and having a structured day. It’s good to have structure and some thing that children (and you) can look forward to. But, must we do that ALL the time?? Current society tells us “yes”. We need to have things going on. For if we don’t have things going on, the kids will get bored. We will get bored. We will go crazy. The kids won’t have enough enriching things to do and will risk learning all that they can possibly learn by the right age. This just simply isn’t true.
I want to encourage myself and others out there to stop the madness. Let summer be summer. Just BE.
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