Coming out of the fog

by Amy | May 8, 2012 | mama confessions

Well, I’m coming out.  Out of the fog, that is.  At least temporarily.  Despite a few less than ideal mishaps with my oldest son today (potty training, temper tantrums, strange clingy-ness), we had a wonderful day that I always want to remember and look back on.  We started out the day slowly with me cleaning out my purse.  I know…please go on, right?  Well, God only knows how long it’s been since I’ve taken the time to clean out my purse and throw things away and heavens, it needed it.  While I was on that wild roll, I decided to go ahead and sort through our kitchen “inbox” filled with mail, papers, receipts, ads, coupons and random crap.  This left me feeling a bit more on top of things and I was even able to make a list and actually fill out the paperwork for Tate’s preschool and get it in an envelope to mail (although I haven’t mailed it yet).  On top of those amazingly interesting accomplishments (ha!) I was able to fill out an RSVP for my girlfriend’s wedding and actually put it in an envelope and stick it in my purse to mail.  It was due at the beginning of April, but hey…whatevs!  She knows I’m coming because I’m singing in it!

Hold on while I sip some tea.

OK…I’m back.  Damn that’s good tea! 

Well, I apologize (although not really) for the long hiatus.  I haven’t meant to take such a long break from writing, but I just haven’t been able to pull myself together and organize my thoughts enough to write them down.  Truthfully, I’m behind on EVERYTHING in my life.  I just got done putting laundry away that has been folded and sitting in a basket in our room for nearly two weeks.  When I started putting it away tonight, I realized that most of it is laundry that I had washed from our trip to Austria and we’ve been back from there almost a month!  Is that even possible?  Time flies!  But, that is just how behind I am on things. 

Speaking of time flying by, my little guy, Julian, is about to turn 1 this coming Sunday!!  I can’t believe he’s already a year old.  It doesn’t seem possible!  Where did this year go?!!  Well, I’ll tell you that I honestly don’t know, because I haven’t been in a clear, rested state of mind since he got here.  I love that little guy, but he has given me a run for my money in the sleep department.  I think this is why I’ve felt like I was in such a fog for so long!  He’s doing better now and sleeping for longer stretches than he was for a while, but nights can still be rough with him which makes my days of trying to function really rough.  Other than that, he’s such a sweet little guy.  He is talking a lot and trying to walk and stand every chance he gets.  It’s so amazing to watch their development.

So, back to the day we had.  After I got all organized, I fed the kids and we headed out to run errands.  First we went to get my car inspected and then we went to Walmart to pick up some birthday party items for Julian’s party on Saturday.  Even though I knew they were tired, the boys did a great job and stuck it out til the very end.  When we left Walmart, Julian immediately fell asleep in the car and I took Tate to get some ice cream.  I parked the car and he sat in the back and ate his while I ate mine in the front.  It was just our little time of eating ice cream together and it was so fun!  He was super excited about a bicycle with training wheels that he saw at Walmart and rode through the store.  And he was telling me about all the things he will ask Santa for.  He was very chatty.  But as soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, he too quickly fell asleep.

When we got home, I brought them in and put everything away and laid down myself.  I rarely do that, but today it just felt like the right thing to do.  I so needed that nap!  When we all woke up, Tate had had an accident in his pants so we changed his outfit.  It didn’t frustrate me.  I just changed him.  About twenty minutes later, I looked up at him and he was making a strange face like something was happening, and when I got to him, he had had another accident.  I quickly took him to the bathroom, and again…I wasn’t too frustrated.  Puzzled, yes.  Frustrated, no.  I was rested.  I started making dinner while the boys played underneath me on the kitchen floor.  Normally, that would bug me because I tend to get a little nervous when I try to prepare dinner — especially by that time of day when I’m tired.  But tonight I wasn’t tired.  I felt relaxed and the boys were relaxed too.  As we were eating a thunderstorm began and we were able to hear the thunder and see lightening and go outside and feel the wind and rain coming through our neighborhood. 

Anyway…I know I’m rambling.  I guess I don’t have a point other than to say that I am grateful I had a day where I was able to rest and enjoy my kids with a clear, rested state of mind rather than a frazzled, tired, running on fumes state of mind…and, it felt really good!  I don’t want to jinx myself by hoping for more nights where sleep isn’t a problem and days where we can leisurely nap, but I really do hope I can get that.  Our family really needs rest.

Today made me realize all that I am capable of doing when I feel good.  I can clean out my purse, throw junk mail away and sort through our basket of paper while playing with my kids on the floor and enjoying their little laughs and watching them play.  I can get the car inspected and go to Walmart with a LIST!  I can make a pizza from scratch with yummy ingredients.  I can walk outside with my kids and enjoy the rain.  I can put my kids to bed and still have enough juice leftover to put clothes away and pick up around the house…and perhaps even BLOG!  I like this.  I could get used to this.  I hope that we’ve turned a new corner and that peaceful nights of sleep and restful days are in our future!  Crazier things can happen.  One can at least dream!

Regrouping…Rethinking…Recreating

by Amy | Apr 16, 2012 | mama confessions

I’ve taken a rather long pause from blogging over the past few weeks as we have been out of the country and I haven’t had a moment to spare…let alone, to blog.  I have really missed writing, though.  I have missed it so much that I have begun small attempts at tracking my thoughts and reactions to all the different surroundings I’ve found myself in…but, alas, I haven’t been able to finish those thoughts in order to actually publish a post!  This past weekend I even went as far as to record myself talking, since I couldn’t find a moment to sit down without a little guy tugging at my pants.  Even through recording myself, I ended up having to cut my thoughts short several times and finally gave up! : )

Anyway…here is my post.  Let’s hope I finish it and can actually publish it — today!

Our family just returned from a two week visit to my husband’s hometown, Moedling, just south of Vienna, Austria.  We had a lovely time, albeit EXHAUSTING and mentally DRAINING!  No seriously.  It was a beautiful visit, and I am so grateful that we did it.  At some point, when I’m more focused and well-rested, I will post some favorite pictures from the trip and give a little insider scoop or memoire about what we did.  For now, however, I would like to attempt to regurgitate my observations and thoughts before, during and after this excursion and find a way to make sense of it all in my little, tired head.

We all experience some sort of renewal after a vacation, don’t we?  Whether it’s taking a step away from the mundane and rethinking ideas or giving our brains a little bit of a rest from the decisions we are constantly faced with, it is refreshing to take a break and experience a different change of pace.  This always happens for me when I go out of town or get away for a few days.  I come back and have so many new and refreshing thoughts and perspective about how things are and how things should be in my life.  This trip was no different and it actually shed some light as well as brought up new questions about how things are currently functioning (or not functioning) in my daily life.

Before I left, I was talking to a woman over the phone about redesigning my logo for my business.  This brought about all kinds of questions and realizations that I wasn’t quite expecting.  In the end, we decided to take a break and it left off with me taking this trip and regrouping when we got back to discuss things further.  However, now that I’m back, I have even more questions about what I want my business to look like and what I want to do with it, or if I even want to do anything with it at all.  My head is literally spinning.  The challenge here is, my head is spinning but with even less insight and focus than it was before I left, and I don’t really have the time or energy to think about it and figure it out anymore.

Not only am I realizing that I can’t really focus on my business right now, but I’m realizing how good it felt to just be with my family and not have to think about it at all.  I also realized how easy it is for us to overextend ourselves, and how it may be possible that I have done that by accepting this children’s choir director job on top of everything else.  Part of me feels really irresponsible for feeling so ambivalent about it all. The other part of me feels like this is the answer I’ve been looking for.  It’s simple.  But, sometimes we overlook the simple. 

For some time now, all I have been feeling, with regard to duties and responsibilities outside of motherhood, is dread and disdain.  I love being a teacher.  I really do.  I love that I am fortunate enough for music to be such a huge part of my life and that I am able to share it with others.  I love that I can teach out of my home and stay close to my kids.  Most people might think, “She’s got it made!”  For this reason, along with income and needing to feel like I’m still earning money, I have chosen to continue working, even if only part time, while raising young children.  With one child, this always seemed doable. It was hard at times, but it was manageable.  With two, it is nearly impossible.  It has taken me all of my youngest son’s 11 months of life to realize that I am in over my head.  Now, I am raising a huge white flag and surrendering. 

If anything, this trip has caused me to take a step back and reconsider how I’ve set up my life.  Do I really need to be teaching right now?  How is it serving me?  How is it serving my family?  How is it serving those I teach?  What  is my Hauptziel or main incentive for teaching?  Money?  Recognition?  A break from my kids?  All of those are valuable reasons, but is the reason outweighing the difficulty of trying to do it?  In other words, is all of this worth the enormous effort it is somehow inflicting?  If I weren’t teaching, how would we manage financially?  How would it change my overall thought process about how I go about my day?  My week?  My month?  Would I really miss teaching and have to figure out a way to do it?  Would I never look back again?  Have I outgrown it altogether and need to search for a different profession?  Or maybe…should I at least consider changing the way I’ve been doing it?  Is there a way I can reinvent how I teach, when I teach and who I teach that would make it work better for me and for my family?  Do I want to stop teaching altogether and pursue something totally different?  How much more time and effort would pursuing something else mean for me and my family?  Would it be worth the extra effort?  Would be something I should put on the backburner until I have more time and energy to focus on it?  Will putting it on the backburner make it never happen?  Will someone else take my idea and beat me to the punch before my kids are old enough for me to try it out myself?  How much would our family be set back if I didn’t teach at all or try out a new business?  Would being a 100% stay at home Mom make me crazy or would I really enjoy not having anything else to think about except my husband and children?

Truth is, the more questions I ask, the more I am faced with.  I am not getting any clarity at this point about what I should be doing, so it looks like I just need to sit back and wait for an answer to come to me while I readjust to the different time zone.  However, I’m not feeling at ease with continuing what I’m currently doing for much longer.  As I drove to my job at the church this morning, I kept thinking, “You know, Amy…you can always just turn around and go home.”  But, I never did.  When  I commit to something, I commit.  Whether my heart is in it or not, or whether I want to be there or not, I will be there.  But, the thing is, I want to be able to just say, “Well, I tried this and it didn’t work.”  I want to be able to just take a step back and breathe without feeling like I’m letting down a lot of people in the process.  Is that ever possible?

Well, I will wrap this up tonight as I am just beat and need to rest.  I will try to get back on here tomorrow and continue writing and ranting until this all resolves in my head.  Maybe sleep will help it all come together.  Or not.

Here is a link to our web album from our recent trip!

https://picasaweb.google.com/atmuttwill/Austria2012?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCNmj4LL-34jb9gE&feat=directlink

a prayer…and then another prayer

by Amy | Mar 24, 2012 | mama confessions

This post was half-written yesterday and never finished and published, but I think it’s relevant and I’d like to go ahead and postdate it and publish it today:

Since I can remember, I have always kept a prayer journal.  I have a hard time focusing on praying and remembering everything I want to say, so writing has always been my method of choice for communicating, writing down my thoughts, making lists, etc…  I love to write!  It’s also nice, because I can go back to the prayers I’ve written and see answers to those prayers.  Sometimes the prayers are merely an outpouring of my inner thoughts and sometimes they are desperate pleas for peace about difficult decisions or something in my life that needs to be sorted through or filtered out.

I don’t normally include my prayers on this blog, but today I desperately need to pray, and I think this will be my only opportunity.

Mind you, while I attempt to type this, I have a 10 month old pulling at the screen on my laptop and a 3-year-old jumping around me trying to get my attention.  Today, I’m literally fighting for a chance to pray and I’m losing.

So here goes…quickly:

Dear Lord,

I am losing it! (ha)  I so desperately want some time to myself and it was working out for a little while.  I could take the boys and drop them off at the childcare place at the gym or I would sneak away for an hour while Thomas was still home and do something on my own.  But now, for some reason, my child won’t stay in the child care and Thomas has meetings in the morning and can’t stick around to watch them.  I’ve tried hiring sitters and taking some control back in my life by having some help.  The problem is, if the sitter is here and I am here, the kids know where to find me.  If I leave, I inevitably end up driving around and wasting this precious time I’m paying someone for.  Anyone who tells you that finding help with small children is easy either hasn’t done it before or has wonderful parents close-by to help them on a whim.  We have neither of our parents here in Austin, so finding good help and being able to afford for them to come on a regular basis is a tricky thing.  It’s also hard to have help come to your house — esp. if you want to get anything done IN the house while they are there.

As I type this, I hear my husband freaking out because he has to hurry up and get ready.  But, if I don’t type this, I risk having a prayer left undone.  I need this prayer.  I need this moment.  So, am I selfish for needing this?

I don’t think I’m selfish, but everyone around me seems to think so.  The kids give me this longing and desperate look that says, “You’re selfish” when I walk into another room or leave for a few minutes to do something that every person who isn’t imprisoned is entitled to — like, for instance, a shower…or a chance to pee without feeling rushed because the world might fall apart and children might accidentally choke or kill each other while you take that precious 25 seconds to run to the bathroom.  My husband unknowingly says, “You’re selfish” when he complains about how long I was gone and how much he needs to get done.  So what gives?  How does one strike a balance???  Are mothers merely supposed to be unselfish and die quietly to themselves and everything they want and need out of life to raise happy, healthy children and keep a peaceful household?

I know that, for generations upon generations, mothers have always sacrificed themselves to raise their families.  Many women have done this without complaint or any thought given to what they were giving up.  I’m not like that.  Does that make me selfish?  I don’t want to be.  I don’t want my kids or my husband thinking that I’m always putting myself first.  But, I need oxygen sometimes.  I need to be able to think clearly and do things that make me feel fulfilled outside of being a mother.  What are those things?  Hmmm…I don’t know.  I’m a creative being, so I like to be able to create things and contemplate new ideas.  That charges me positively. 

Anyway, Lord…I pray that you would just help me to find some time to myself on a regular basis where I can recharge.  I need it.  I know it’s not rocket science, but I feel like I have to fight so hard for it to happen.

Thank you for helping me figure this out and regain a sense of balance in my life.  Amen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                                 

Now…fastforward to today.  I didn’t wake up with quite the need I had yesterday to have time to myself.  Not every day am I irritated beyond belief that my kids are hanging on me, violating my personal space and asking me to sacrifice my sanity for their entertainment.  However, I did, for the 5th time this week, plan to go to the gym to work out this morning and it didn’t happen.  And let me tell you, it didn’t happen from lack of motivation or want.  Man, I wish I could have wanted to work out this bad when I didn’t have children or anyone else to distract me and sabotage my efforts! lol  Nope.  I tried so hard to get to that gym.  But, guess what?  It didn’t happen because my husband had to take our minivan to the dealer to have some things looked at, and although he willingly took our two kids with him so that I could go to the gym (after I threw a fit about not getting to go ALL week), I wasn’t even close to being dressed to go at 8:15am when my class starts.  On top of that, we had workers on their way to our house to finish up their job from yesterday, so I had to be here to let them in. 

I will say, however, that I’m grateful for that little tiny chunk of time where I was able to shower without worrying that my son was possibly in another room wetting his pants or hearing my youngest grow increasingly impatient while I shave my legs.  It was better than yoga to be able to walk through every room in my house and put things away quickly without having to carry a 23 lb baby around or leave him in a room and hear him cry because I left him.  I needed that small chunk of time.  It wasn’t a pedicure.  It wasn’t a work out.  But it was MY time.  And I needed it.

I have to say, it’s really been funny how hard I’ve tried to make things happen lately — like making time for myself and working out and scheduling breaks, and it’s still a huge effort and a miracle when it all comes together, and truthfully, on most days, it doesn’t really come together at all.  I feel like the stars have to align just right so that I can leave the house or get a moment to myself in order to accomplish anything productive.  And, you know what?  That’s OK.  I keep telling myself that one day, in the not so distant future, I will have the whole house to myself while the kids are off to school, and I will probably sit with a cup of coffee gazing out the window with a tear in my eye remembering these days I’m living out right now.  These are good days.  Really good days.  This is the sweetest, most satisfying job I’ve ever done.  In fact, no matter how much a mother of young children might complain about sleep deprivation or overall frustration and exhaustion, she also realizes deep down that she is living out the best times of her life. 

So, here’s my prayer for today:

Dear Lord,

Thank you SO much for loving me so much that you gave me such a beautiful, sweet little family.  I know that there are days (like yesterday) when everything is more than I can handle, but I’m so grateful for what I have.   You have entrusted me with these precious little boys, and I want to be the best Mommy I can be for them.  Not only that, but I want to be the best wife I can be to my wonderful husband as well.  Forgive me for taking things for granted.  For being impatient and irritable.  Forgive me for being grouchy when I don’t get to do what I want to do with my day.  Help me to realize that these days are precious and few and cannot be redone.  There will only be so many times my son will sit on my lap and listen to me read him a book and look through the pages before he learns to read himself and wants to be left alone when he reads.  There will only be so many times that my baby bobs his head on and off my chest looking for food before he realizes that there are more promising and fulfilling sources for food out there than what I have to offer him.  There will only be so many times where I get to help my son sit down on the toilet to go potty before he learns how to do it himself and doesn’t want me in there with him ever again!  There will only be so many times that my baby plays peekaboo with me with such delight before he realizes that there are other things more thrilling in this world.  These days…however long they may often seem…are numbered.  If there has ever been a difficult concept to grasp, it is this one.  Everyone who has experienced watching their children grow so quickly will tell you to cherish every moment.  However, most of us who are in the thick of it get tired of hearing that.  It’s like a married person telling a single person to enjoy their life while they’re single; or better yet, a couple with children telling a couple who desperately wants children but can’t have them to enjoy their freedom and sleep.  We never really understand concepts like these until we’ve gone through it ourselves.  But, the problem with this, Lord, is that I don’t want to grasp this when it’s all over and done.  I want to get it NOW and not have any regrets when I pull up to the Kindergarten door, the graduation auditorium or the college dorm.  I want to know that I was there for my kids and loved on them and squeezed their fat baby feet and held them and loved them and kissed them and tickled them and lived this life with them to its fullest.  But, right now, I can’t know that because I’m just craving a break, a full night of sleep or a minute to check my computer. 

Lord, help us to grasp what we have right now while we have it.  Help us to not always want what we can’t have, but to want what we’ve got.  For this, I believe, is the true key to happiness.

Thank you and AMEN!