things that drive me nuckin’ futs and Happy Halloween!

by Amy | Oct 31, 2011 | mama confessions

First of all, Happy Halloween!  btw-my husband, who never dresses up for Halloween, is going to work as Justin Bieber today. My idea.  Love it!

OK, so with all this gratitude, we knew I couldn’t make it a week without counteracting with some things that make me crazy and grouchy right?  It’s a rite of passage.  If we try to be grateful, we will always find more to complain about.  That is the human condition.  I am human.

DISCLAIMER:  This will probably be the most random, ADHD blog post you have ever read!

WRINKLES:

OK, so last night I noticed that I had a very deep crease in my forehead. WT_!???  And I thought I was going to escape aging!  Darn the system!  It’s funny.  I posted about time going by quickly last night.  Earlier yesterday afternoon, I had a random conversation with a neighbor I barely knew about how time goes by so quickly and today I’m blogging about my fine lines (not so fine anymore) and wrinkles.  Why do wrinkles bother people so much?  I have always laughed at my husband when he pulls out his gray hair (which I think is quite sexy!  not the pulling out part, but the gray hair itself), but now I find myself looking very critically at my aging face.  I mean, I already accepted facial hair as a fact of life a longgggg time ago and have since come up with a very regular plucking regime.  I have also accepted sagging, rather unattractive, tribal breasts (which I intend to have repaired when I’m done with childbearing and nursing).  I have also accepted my own run in with a few gray hairs here and there, because HAIR COLOR works wonders.  But WRINKLES!???  This is truly the end of my youthful existence, isn’t it?  OK, I’m being dramatic.  But seriously…this is ridiculous.  OK, so I admittedly used to be a sun goddess.  Despite the fact that I was warned from many aging adults (like myself now) when I was younger, and despite the fact that my sweet Aunt Georga died at the very early age of 30 with melanoma skin cancer, I still loved sun bathing…and still do.  Now,  my once supple, super human skin is paying the price.  I now have age spots, fine lines and sagging, less than elastic (like the commercial) skin.  It’s depressing.  Audience participation question:  What do you do about it?

MAGAZINES:

The other thing that is bugging me and hanging over my head like a lead balloon is all my magazines.  I am currently a subscriber to a few magazines:  Shape, Rachael Ray, Family Circle and Parents.  I love all of these mags, but I NEVER (and I mean NEVER) have time to even glance through them.  I put them on the toilet thinking I could catch a glimpse there.  But I have no time to poop either, so that doesn’t work.  Then, I put the mags in the car for when we go places as a family.  Nope, don’t have time there because I’m usually turned around taking care of a kid in need or in the backseat entertaining.  Now the mags are up to my height and I can’t even imagine trying to go through them all.  Seriously…all I really want from these mags is advice on how to get your kids to sleep 20 hours at a time and a fail proof, healthy recipe or two that my almost 3 year old will eat every time without argument or fanfare.  I also love looking at new products out on the market (for wrinkles and age spots).  Oh, and reading Shape might just make me feel like I’m closer to getting in shape — even though my butt won’t see a gym for another 5 years (when the kids are in school).  But again, this is all about the unrealistic expectations, isn’t it?  It’s driving me NUTS!  So…soliciting more audience participation:  What do you do about it?

BLISTERS:

I have blisters on both of my feet from the cool new shoes I just recently found at a garage sale.  They are totally comfy shoes, but my feet are in so much pain from wearing them out a little too long on the first go ’round.  I’ve tried peroxide, ointment, band aids and they are so painful that I can barely walk barefooted. 

OK, so now I’m just going to write a list of things that get on my nerves to save time and get it all off my chest, so I can get on with my day and move on:

1. stacked up junk mail on my kitchen counter.  BOOOOOOO!!
2. leaves and dead bugs brought in by the dog
3. when someone doesn’t push their chair back in at the table after they get up from eating
4. walking around the house with a toothbrush in your mouth.  Why multitask?  Get the job done AT THE SINK!
5. people who don’t use their blinker.  I don’t know where you are going!!
6. people who complain too much (silent cough)
7. people who are never satisfied (two silent coughs)
8. silverfish. gross!
9. stacked up junk mail on my kitchen counter.  I know.  I already mentioned this.  It drives me NUTS!
10. things that don’t have a place. a name. a partner.
11. Since I repeated #1, I get one more right?  OK…I am fed up with my garage being cluttered and dirty.  In fact, I hate clutter.  Despise it.  That will be another blog post.

Here are the things I’m grateful for:

1. My cutie patootie little guys
2. My Justin Bieber lookalike
3. klru (Austin Public Television)
4. the fact that I got 2 bathrooms cleaned yesterday and managed to sort through my baby’s clothes and organize his closet
5. the fact that I’m totally OK to look at a basket of dirty laundry sitting in my hallway today.  Tomorrow, this might be a problem.
6. the fact that my husband and son went to HEB yesterday and picked up some odds and ends, so I don’t have to go today.  YAY!!!
7. comfy clothes.  love comfy clothes when it’s a little nippy outside.
8. products I j’adore (which I will list in another blog post later today)
9. ideas I love (another blog post)
10. methods I love (another blog post)

Too da loo

weekend is over…already?!

by Amy | Oct 31, 2011 | mama confessions

where does the time go?  I mean really!  this weekend just came and went without warning.  (oh, btw, i’m too tired to differentiate between caps and non-caps in this post, so everything will be non-capped — unless I decide to cap it because it’s habit.)  so, I made it through my first weekend in a longgg time where I didn’t freak out.  Thomas might beg to differ.  but I really just went with the flow and didn’t get worked up over the house being messy or things needing to be done.  I mean, I had laundry list of things that I wanted to do and I needed for him to take care of, but whatever didn’t get done just didn’t get done.  Whatevs. proud of myself.  that’s all I can say.

we had a really great weekend actually (now that you ask).  let’s see…what did we do?  well, I can’t remember.  Hmmm…let’s see…Friday we didn’t do anything.  I think we had leftovers. (see…it’s all about food for me)  Saturday, we spent a lot of time outside and getting some things done in the yard (well, thomas did).  I cut Tate’s hair and he actually let me — for about 2 minutes — so it was rather uneven.  then I called up my friend Gina and asked her if she could fix it later.  Then a girlfriend of mine came over with her son and dropped off her computer and took Tate for lunch.  He was such a big boy that he went without us and didn’t shed a tear.  Wow!  Big milestone!  Then, when he got home, I took him over to Gina’s and he didn’t cry at all while she cut his hair.  Proud again.  He is growing up before my eyes.  How is this possible?  I am not sad that he’s growing out of some of these stages, but it makes me realize that time is just going by.  He’s been pottying all week on the big boy potty; he got his hair cut without drama.  Crazy!

Anyway, today I cried about my Grandma and talked to her a little.  I know that sounds silly, but I believe she is here with me.  Thomas had taken Tate to get my car washed and go to the grocery store and I was here with Julian preparing dinner.  I used to call her around this time on Sunday afternoons and talk about what I was making for dinner and what she was making.  Sometimes, I’d ask her for advice on a recipe or she’d ask me to send her the recipe I was making.  Then she’d ask about everyone in the family and how they were doing and we’d laugh about something or other that happened over the week.  Nothing real eventful…we’d just talk.  Sometimes for only a few minutes.  Sometimes we’d talk as long as an hour.  I miss that.  I miss her.  I don’t even like to talk on the phone really…but I liked talking to her.  She was the one person I could call and I know she’d be happy to talk to me.  (sigh)

well, this happens to be the most random post I’ve made in a while, so I’m going to take that as a hint that I need some sleep.  I hope I’m more interesting tmw.  If not, hopefully my readers will get out and enjoy some nice weather.

freak out mode

by Amy | Oct 30, 2011 | mama confessions

OK, so I’m freaking out a little (ok…a lot).  My Aunt and Uncle are coming in town this Friday, and the house is…well, less than clean.  It wouldn’t bother me so much, but my Aunt is a super clean neat freak.  Why do these things get my panties all up in a wad?  I know I need to just breathe and not freak out about the house, the laundry, what I will make for dinner when they’re here…but I do.  A lot!

I think the biggest issue I’m having with this phase of my life is the little (very little) time I get to do anything — even the non-fun stuff.  I know the phase will pass and before I know it, I’ll be looking back and wishing I had young children again who need me every second of my day, but right now, I just want some ME time.  And I don’t get it.  Ever.  OK…my husband always says I take things to extremes.  I do get ME time sometimes — like during the 2 hours of sleep every night when someone isn’t waking me up needing to be fed or having their diapers changed or yelling out, “GO AWAY SCARY GHOSTS!” from the other room in their sleep.  Yep, I guess you could call sleep ME time too.  Or right now, for instance, when I’m taking a much needed break from running frantically around the house while everyone is taking a nap and cleaning the bathrooms, so that, at least, I can have that checked off my to-do list for the week.  Or after I get done writing, providing someone hasn’t woken up yet, when I frantically toss a load of laundry in the wash and frantically run around the house picking up toys so I can frantically vacuum and mop the floors upon their waking.  It’s so silly, isn’t it?  I’m admittedly silly. 

So, my first reaction is to completely hole up this week and not see another soul, except for my children, and bust my ars til I get the house sparkling and everything neatly put away.  But, I know that’s not realistic.  I need some space to breathe and I need to realize that the house will not look perfect when they come and I can be OK with that.  And, more importantly, I can’t let this week go by without spending quality time with my boys and seeing some friends.  There.  I said it.  It’s out there.  Life will go on and I will live. 

OK…so onto less heavy stuff, because I feel like my blogging has had a rather heavy, complaining tone lately.  That is not how I want to come off — either in writing or in person.  I want to be upbeat and always looking on the bright side.  har har har

OK…baby #2 is awake.  Gotta bolt!

But, before he reallllly wakes up and wants me, here’s my gratitude list:

I am grateful for:

1. This beautiful sunny, cool, breezy day.
2. Being content being at home.
3. Sleeping kids — well, half of them.
4. Husbands who do a lot and give a lot and make our lives easier.  I love mine (even if I’m kinda irritated with him at the moment).
5. My beautiful sons who make my day worth living.
6. My wonderful friends both near and far.
7. The way the house looks right now. (because if I’m grateful for it, maybe it’ll clean itself)…wishful thinking
8. My amazing double stroller.  Have I mentioned that before?  I will have to write about it in my next blogging session. LOVE IT MORE THAN CHOCOLATE!  OK, that’s a lie.  But I do like it a lot!
9. My bed.  Wish I could come down from ADD long enough to lie in it.
10. Sundays with nowhere to go.  I need days like this more often. 

Partied Out

by Amy | Oct 29, 2011 | mama confessions

It’s funny.  Over the past few years since we moved to Austin, we would have killed to have been invited to a Halloween party…or any party for that matter.  Now that my son is almost 3 years old, and we have gotten to know quite a few people through various activities like playgroups, library and church, we have so  many invitations to parties that I can’t keep track of them all.  Just this past week, we have gone to a Halloween party with our play group and at the library and we are going to one this evening.  This week alone, we have received not one, not two, but THREE birthday party invitations for kids coming up in the next couple of weeks.  Mind you, my son’s birthday is in two weeks, and I have yet to send out his invitations.  It has been fun, don’t get me wrong.  And I appreciate all the invitations…I do!  But, I’m just a little partied out at the moment.  It doesn’t seem like we’ve been home just existing over the weekend for quite a while, and now I realize why so many people say how overwhelmed they are during the holidays.  Maybe, with all the isolation we’ve faced since moving here in 2004, we’ve become a bit too reclusive.   I know I have that tendency.  I love being around people, but I definitely get my energy from being by myself doing stuff like blogging, cleaning out closets, looking through pictures, reading and doing quiet, non-social things.  I mentioned that I’m like my Grandma in her eulogy.  She was a homebody who dreaded and could come up with every excuse in the book why she didn’t think she could make it to some event or activity–even if it was something she enjoyed.  But, once you got her out of the house, she was the life of the party.  She was one of the funniest, wittiest people I knew.  Yet, you would have never known that she contemplated not coming at least 10 times before she arrived at the party.  She always seemed so READY TO PARTY!  It was an act.  That’s me.

So today, I relish in the fact that we are just home — at least for the morning and afternoon.  While errands and things that need to be done don’t escape me, I’m still enjoying this very moment sitting on my couch with a warm blanket and a cup of coffee.  The smell of my husband’s waffles are in the air.  The pitter patter of little feet.  The grunts and yawns and coos of a tiny human.  The squeals of a toddler.  (OK, that last one was a lie.  I do not enjoy his squeals at the moment.) And dammit, come hell or high water, I will not be uptight and grouchy and stir crazy because the house is a mess or because I cannot get a darn thing done — even though my husband is home.  We have relatives, my Uncle Dave and Aunt Babbie, coming in town next weekend, so I have a laundry list of things that I want to have done before they get here — the house cleaned, the laundry done, blah blah blah…but that will not thwart my plan to be easy going and have fun this weekend.  It will all get done.  It will all get done.

So, I missed my gratitude list from yesterday.  I was very tired from the night before with kids not sleeping well and me not sleeping well.  I went to bed with my baby at 8:15pm last night despite my desire to watch the last game of the world series and fell asleep after trying to get him down for nearly 2 hours.  I thought of getting up at some point throughout the restless, sleepless night I had last night, but why??  Will this sleeplessness EVER end, btw? (sigh)  I hope so!  Or I might lose my everloving MIND!

OK, so here goes:

I’m grateful for:

1. Moments (although very short moments) of solitude
2. Parties to attend (but not so many)
3. Cooler weather (with the heater on)
4. Warm blankets (that are clean and free of spit up or snot)
5. My little cuddly fam (when they aren’t screaming)
6. The Cardinals won the world series (OK, I’m stretching here because I could really care less)
7. Bath & Body Works products that currently work to help my place smell cleaner than it actually is (because it is emphatically not clean)
8. My new Cuisinart food processor that I can’t wait to get my hands on (but never have time to actually use)
9. My son’s potty training success this week. (despite my inconsistency and lack of expertise on how to deal with a rather stubborn toddler)
10. Silence.  Whenever I am lucky enough to get it.  Which isn’t often.  Especially not right now as my son is jumping on his art table.  (gosh, he can be so annoying)  OK.  Sorry.  That was so ungrateful of me.  And he just pooped in his pull ups.  Geez!!!  QUIT SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much to consider

by Amy | Oct 27, 2011 | mama confessions

My head is literally spinning right now.  I had a fabulous morning with my babies.  I got up, got the boys fed and all of us dressed and immediately got in the car to go to the mall.  Why?  Because I needed to get out of the house and there were a couple of sales I’ve been wanting to check out.  We got home later than I had planned at around 12:15pm and the telecourse had already started, but I quickly joined in while getting lunch prepared for my little guy and nursing my other little guy.  It wasn’t exactly the quiet hour I had hoped for in terms of getting to really process what was said or let it sink in like I wanted it to, but I came away with some really great nuggets of wisdom to chew on this week (I keep using that word “chew” because I guess all I can think about is eating).

First of all, the question was asked, “What do I need to release to better align myself with a new way of being?  Next was “What do I need to embrace…?” and the third statement she asked us to complete was “Life is…”  Throughout this course, she asks class members to stay open to all possibilities and all things that are revealed and not be quick to judge or reject thoughts or ideas that come to the forefront.  Even though I was knee-deep in microwaving some pasta from last night’s dinner for my son and making goo goo eyes at my baby over the kitchen counter, my thoughts went to the one thing that I am fighting to release:  I need to release my ridiculous expectations for myself!  Why do I get so caught up in this need to have my house perfectly cleaned, the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away, the dinner made, the pantry stocked, the refrigerator full, the drawers organized, etc…etc…???  I know, like anything, my addiction to this is as serious as someone else’s addiction to cigarettes.  I absolutely love the idea of being super mom and able to pull it all together. But at what cost?  Are my kids happier because the house is clean?  Does anyone else but me notice when the laundry is piling up and clothes need to be put away?  Why then, is this some black cloud that looms over my head until it’s done?  The sick part about it is, it’s NEVER done!  So, in essence, that sense of accomplishment I hope to one day feel will never be felt — at least not while I live with children and dogs!

As far as the question about embracing…I really can’t answer that clearly.  I would suppose that I would love to embrace living my life for once and not worrying about the fact that I have cobwebs under my kitchen cabinets and tiny ants marching across my kitchen counters looking for sweet, sticky goo (which is plentiful at the moment).  I would love to embrace the day I’m in rather than worrying about the day that lies ahead or the work that needs to be done (in order for me to feel a sense of accomplishment).

When I thought about the statement, “Life is…,” my answer was, “Life is too short to be a perfectionist.”  Man, I needed my inner voice to shout that out loudly from the mountain tops!  I am and have always been SUCH a perfectionist to the point that I can’t complete (or sometimes even start) a project for fear that it might not be perfect.  I have let that go throughout the years in many facets of my life, but the need to do things perfectly has paralyzed me more than once and I’m SICK OF IT!  Disclaimer:  My need to be perfect or have things done perfectly rarely lines up with any notion that I am perfect or do anything perfectly.  It’s merely a ridiculous standard I have set for myself and judged myself against.

In addition to these questions/statements to ponder, she said a few things that really hit home:

“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”  That is SO for me!  I have that disease in abundance.  I can cook well, so I should every night of the week.  It used to be, “I can sing loudly, so I should” or “I can sing high notes well, so I should sing them all the time” or “I have enough time in my schedule to take on 40 students a week, so I should.”  Then I feel guilty when things don’t work out…simply because I could, but I shouldn’t have.

The other quote I loved from today’s telecourse was,”I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I intended to sing remains unsung.”  OUCH!!!!!!!  My first thought was the SNL skit from the 80’s called “The Anal Retentive Chef”.  He spent the entire segment cleaning up the kitchen, sharpening his blades, putting things in this or that baggy to throw away, but he never got around to cooking anything.  This would be ME on any given day.  I find myself walking in circles saying to myself, “I need to get this or that done…before I can do this or that.”  Huh?  Does anyone relate to me on this one?  Or am I really crazy?  We either spend our days making sure everything is perfect or we actually live and enjoy our lives.  This is so poignant for me because I used to have time to make sure things were perfect.  Now I don’t even have time to make sure things are mediocre.

So, on that note, I have spent this afternoon breathing…letting go of the fact that there are leaves all over the floor and every time I step on my kitchen floor my toes stick to something.  The ants are having a huge party on my kitchen counter.  Go for it!  My child is asleep sitting up on the couch because I know he is tired and needs to sleep a little, but I don’t have the energy to pick him up and put him in his bed or bean bag chair for a nap. Leftovers and probably chicken nuggets with ranch dip will be served for dinner tonight and my laundry will go another day without getting done.  The package I prepared to send my MIL for Halloween will go another day without being sent and the package I planned to send my girlfriend Jenn for her birthday (in February) will go another week or month or maybe til Christmas. (sorry Jenn!)

What I keep asking myself is, “What is causing this stirring in you, Amy?”  Why now?  Well, my Grandma just died and I thought I’d have many more days to call her up on the phone, so I didn’t call her when I should have.  I probably had a sparkling clean kitchen on one of the days that I could have had a great conversation with her.  My uncles are being total jerks and causing a family dispute over my Grandma’s estate, and my Mom’s family is complete upheaval over this ordeal. My friend Anna lost her Dad this past year to cancer.  My friend Dan lost his Dad this past year to cancer.  My friend Sarah lost her father two years ago.  A young mother friend of a friend passed away with leukemia over a month ago and left a one year old baby boy and a loving husband behind.  A former student’s Mom who is also a friend wrote me an email  today after I haven’t heard from her in months and told me that her husband returned from Iraq and didn’t want to be married anymore.  Weeks later, she learned she has breast cancer.  She has two children to raise and her world has turned upside down.  My first boyfriend and close friend of the family killed himself in 2002.  My favorite Aunt died of skin cancer when I was in 4th grade.  My uncle died 3 years before that in a tragic car accident.  Every day, I hear about something horrible and tragic — whether I experience it myself or I know someone who is experiencing it.  Most of the time, these occurrences make me briefly stop and think, “Wow!  You never know what could happen in your life!  Be grateful for what you’ve got right now.”  But that never lasts.  Shortly thereafter, I always end up back at square one — obsessing over the little things that won’t matter at all in the big scheme of things.

So, I got caught up with kiddos at the end of this telecourse and only heard a bit of what the assignment was over the next week, but I’ll tell you what my assignment for myself is:

1. Love myself and give myself a break
2. Love my partner and give him a break
3. Love my kids and give them a break
4. Oh yes, and love my dog and give her a break
5. Notice the things/ideas/thoughts/aversions in my everyday life and begin to make a shift in my perspective. 
6. Start to create space with that shift in perspective and experience more freedom in my everyday life
7. Quit playing the victim when things don’t align themselves with my own unrealistic expectations by saying things like, “I wish these kids would just…” or “I haven’t had any time to do…” or “I’m fed up with…”  I am in charge of my own destiny.  I have control over how things are in my life.  I am not a victim of my circumstances, my lack of energy or my almost 3-year-old who doesn’t want to be potty trained or go to bed at a decent hour.
8. Go with the flow in my everyday life and seek peace over accomplishment
9. Figure out what things do need to be done and get a system down for doing them easily (ie-budget, meal planning, working out, singing, grocery shopping, etc…)
10. Embrace the life that is mine.  With all its flaws and imperfections and joys and craziness and love and untidy-ness and cobwebs and sticky floors — THIS IS YOUR LIFE, Amy!  Love it…or learn to!