Restoring Balance

by Amy | Mar 2, 2012 | mama confessions

Somehow lately, I’ve been feeling like the world was closing in on me.  I don’t know why that is.  It’s that gnawing feeling that happens when you take on something new…something in addition to what you’re already doing.  And this new thing doesn’t have to be a negative thing.  It actually doesn’t matter if it’s negative or positive.  Whether the new thing is meeting a new friend or taking up a new job or potty training your 3 year old…some things are just too much to think about all at the same time.  I don’t feel depressed.  But, I do feel overwhelmed.  I think the feeling of overwhelm is causing me to be depressed.

My friends who have moved on from having young children constantly say things like, “Let it go…downsize…don’t worry about that right now…focus on the kids…they will only be little for so long…etc…”  Yes, I know that.  And I felt it for sure this past Sunday morning as I drove away from my two boys sitting as cute as they could be in their red wagon in the driveway and I headed 30 minutes downtown to rehearse my children’s choir.  In and of itself, this choir is a great thing.  The kids are great.  The church is really special.  I like it.  It feels right.  On the other hand, shaving my legs is a task I can’t seem to get around to doing lately, so is this job (on top of my private voice studio) too much?  Probably.  Do I want to quit because it’s too much?  Not really.  There’s something telling me, “Amy…stick it out.  Don’t be emotional.  It’s not that big of a deal!”

I felt the same way today as I finally got away to get some stuff done and I find myself on my computer writing a mother back and forth about rescheduling her daughter’s lesson.  I teach 6 kids.  6.  And it feels like I have to rearrange the planets when I make plans to go out of town or one of my kids or I are too sick for me to teach.  I realize they are paying me money to teach their children, but can’t they just be reasonable with regard to rescheduling the lessons?  At this point, I’d rather just credit her than take ANY more time out of my day to respond to emails and try to rearrange my schedule to get her in at a time that probably won’t be convenient.

To make my point, obligations in and of themselves aren’t bad.  We are all obligated.  And when you are running your own business or work, it doesn’t matter how big or small the job is, you still have things you have to do that take time out of your schedule.  That wouldn’t be a bad thing either, if I only had time.  I just hate this predicament.  Deep down I know my kids will only be little once.  And somehow, running a small business and teaching this children’s choir is a breath of fresh air for me and a good way for me to earn some extra money.  I just wish I didn’t feel pulled at from every angle right now.  It’s to the point where everything/everyone feels like an obligation and I don’t like feeling like that.  I want to enjoy my life.  I want to enjoy my time with my kids.  But, apparently, these distractions, however minute, are GIGANTIC in my head.

So, I guess it’s time, once again, to skim off the top.  See what is a priority and do that and only that.  I don’t have it in me to do any more than ALL I am able to do.  If I offend someone or earn a little less, sobeit.  I can’t worry about anyone else right now.  That’s so hard for me to do.  I worry constantly that I’m letting people down.  I can’t anymore.  I only have to worry that I’m letting my family down.  And in the process, that I’m letting myself down.

Recipe for Happiness

by Amy | Feb 27, 2012 | mama confessions

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that one’s perspective can change dramatically from one day to the next.  Every time I have one of these epiphanies, I think to myself, “I need to write this down, so I remember not to freak out or start thinking I am going crazy.”  Every time I start to get upset, I need to think, “Will this matter next week?  Will I even remember it at all tomorrow?”  I need to get out of the habit of overanalyzing my unhappiness and feelings of overwhelm on one day, because as sure as my cellulite jiggles, I will feel much better the next day.  It’s usually that simple.  Sometimes we just simply wake up with heavy hearts, on the wrong side of the bed or in a downright BAD mood.  Sometimes, if those feelings linger, it’s depression.  But, most of the time, they are just moods that will change as soon as the weather does.  And lately, the weather has been changing a lot.

I write this post after a great weekend with my family.  There was nothing grand or exciting about it per se.  We didn’t even really do anything.  We didn’t have any major plans.  We barely left the house, actually.  But the weekend was great because we were all together.  We had some laughs.  We shed some tears.  We endured some tantrums.  We lived through some frustrating moments.  But, truth be told, we enjoyed our time together. 

I need to remember that I’m not feeling this sense of satisfaction about my weekend because anything really got accomplished.  This is a hard thing for me to let go of.  Everyone with children over the age of 6 likes to say, “Don’t worry about the house right now…you’ll have plenty of time for that later.”  Well, that may be true, but someone has to worry about the house from time to time or everything turns to shit.  Pardon my French, but it’s true.  The shit part, that is.  If I don’t worry about the house, I will continue to smell the 5 pairs of underwear/pants/shorts/socks my 3 year old peed through as they sit and rot in the laundry basket.  If I don’t worry about the house, my family will be crawling around on the floor with dustballs and dead bugs clinging to their onesies.  If I don’t worry about the house, everyone will starve and no one will have clean jammies to wear to bed.  That damn pile of mail will continue to stack up on the kitchen counter until I can’t see out of my kitchen.  My point is, I have to worry about the house.  But, right now, I’m not.  Tomorrow, I will.  I think my bigger point is, the list of things to do is perpetual.  It never stops.  I will never be able to sit back and smile with a root beer in hand and think, “Go Amy!  Everything is done!”  OK, let’s face it…even if I could sit back and say that, I wouldn’t be holding a root beer.  The job is never done.  There’s always something to do.  And yet, while there’s always something to do, there has to be time to just do nothing every now and then.  And it’s really important to remind myself that I’m satisfied right now–not because the laundry is neatly folded and put away (or even washed).  I’m not satisfied because my floors are clean (but that would  be nice).  I’m satisfied because I got to watch my babies live their lives this weekend and grow a little more.  I got to spend some time with them and have no agenda.  I love having no agenda.  I’m satisfied because life is good.  We are all healthy and happy and that is all I could ask for.

I have to admit I’m a little too consequential sometimes.  I always think of the outcome of my decisions.  I think this is a great characteristic in many ways.  But it doesn’t really promote living on the edge and enjoying life much, does it?  I, like many women, like to have my ducks in a row.  It seems like, the more seasoned you become as a parent, you realize more and more how little you can leave to chance.  While I used to be able to “wing it” with what I’d wear or what I’d eat for lunch, I now have to plan all those things for the kids.  We have to have virtually every hour of our day planned around meals and naps in order for things to run smoothly.  In order for the kitchen to be ready for them in the morning for breakfast, things have to be washed and dried and put away the night before.  In order for us to be able to  leave the house, my diaper bag has to be carefully examined to see if we have enough snacks and diapers and wipes for the road on a daily basis.  God forbid we leave the house with a shortage of any one of those items!  If a nap is taken too early or too late, it poses a threat to the way the evening will go and how early my children will go to bed or how soundly my children will sleep through the night.  If a snack is given too late, it threatens dinner.  If dinner is eaten because of a  poor appetite, we run the risk of a child waking up at night hungry.  God, it’s exhausting just reading this!  But with all of this in mind, it is difficult to just let go and not thoroughly think through the day ahead and what needs to happen for things to run smoothly.  On the other hand, if we think things through too thoroughly, our time is spent in the kitchen either cooking, unloading the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher or cleaning up while our kids are doing something else that doesn’t involve our undivided attention.  After we finish that, we are drawn to the neverending pile of laundry, and so on…

Truthfully, it isn’t all that bad.  I would rather be doing this job than any other job in the world.  And, I mean that!  I am so blessed to be able to be with my kids and take care of our home.  It’s just challenging to strike a balance and ever feel a sense of completion with anything, and that is especially challenging for me. 

Right now, I’m reading a great book (which was recommended to me by a great friend) called Raising Happiness.  I will talk more about this book in another post, but it is causing me to think.  I love things that make me think.  One of the things that I’m learning this week is how to prioritize and fit it all in without feeling overwhelmed.  Like I have said before, I hesitate to change until it is too late.  I don’t want to just go hire a babysitter, but then I find myself about to throw myself off a cliff by the end of the week.  I don’t want to ask my husband to watch the kids after he has a long day at work so that I can go and have some down time, so I start to feel resentful when I don’t get the things I need to do done.  But I have to prioritize with these kids or I will not only miss out on them and their childhoods, but I will miss out on me in the process.  While I can put the laundry on hold, I can’t make time stand still.  They will continue to grow.  Life will continue to change.  If I don’t find a way to simultaneously enjoy life with my kids while making time for myself (and perhaps getting a few loads of laundry in in the process), I will have missed the point of it all.  There is no more of, “Well, I will do that when the kids are older.”  The time is now.  If I need to take time for myself and go do some things I need to do, then that is what I need to do.  There is no room for the word “martyr” in my vocabulary.  There is no room for self-pity.  And frankly, I want to be happy.  It’s just a matter of finding the right recipe that works for everyone in my family.

Mother of the Year

by Amy | Feb 21, 2012 | mama confessions

I’m a terrible, wretched person.  You know why?  Because the only thing on my mind right now is how to get my kids to LEAVE ME THE ____ ALONE!  Or truthfully, how to get everyone to leave me alone.  Isn’t that horrid?  It is the most beautiful, sunshiney day today, and by all logic and sensibility, I should be “cherishing” the moment and spending the day outside with my beautiful children at a park or going strolling through the neighborhood as we let the sun and fresh breeze hit our faces.  But, I’m not.  You know what we did?  We spent all morning waiting in line at the post office applying for passports and then went and had breakfast while we waited.  Fun, but not so interesting or athletic for my energetic 3-year old.  And yet, all I could think of in the car on the way home was, “Gee…I really hope they both fall asleep!  I need a break!”  Well, my wish halfway came true.  One of them fell asleep.  But the other one didn’t.  “No sweat!” I casually thought to myself.  “It’s only noon, and I have 3 1/2 hours before I have to teach.  He’ll fall asleep at some point.”  We came inside the house and I made him a comfy place on the sofa.  “Here Darling, why don’t you rest your little head and Mommy will turn on a tractor show for you to watch.”  But it was too late.  The moment of exhaustion had passed.  He was now fully awake and ready to hit the ground running with a second wind behind him.  Soon the other one awoke and not only did I have a tired 3 year old to deal with, but a tired 3 year old and a fully energized 9 month old. 

Let’s get this straight.  I don’t usually obsess about my children sleeping.  I used to when I just had one to worry about and when the day would literally crumble around us when he didn’t have his nap.  But now that I have two kids, I could care less if they sleep or don’t sleep most of the time.  But today is different.  Today my world feels like it will crumble around me if I don’t get a break. 

So you know what I did?  I quickly put both kids back in the car after changing diapers and making sure they both had their sippy cups in hand, and I drove aimlessly around the neighborhood for 30 minutes.  Do you know what we saw when we drove around?  People at the park.  People outside enjoying the weather with their kids like “good” Mommies should.  But what was I doing?  I was cringing at every word my son said in the car as if he was torturing me by his voice and wishing with every stop sign that he would just hurry up and fall asleep already.  Who does this?!  Well, apparently me.  Several times I thought to myself, “Maybe you’d all feel better if you just took them to the park…besides, does he reallly need a nap?…get over yourself, Amy…you’re a Mommy now…quit being so selfish.”  But the louder voice inside of me said, “You know what?  He’s tired.  You’re tired.  You need some down time before you teach this afternoon — even if that means you still have one child to deal with.  Now KEEP driving until those little blues shut back there!!!!”  And I did.  I drove and I drove until he fell asleep.  And then I drove home, right by the parks and all the mothers and fathers and grandparents on walks with their kids and grandkids.  I also drove by a daycare.

Being a Toddler’s Mother

by Amy | Feb 17, 2012 | mama confessions

I would venture to guess that there aren’t a lot of better or worse experiences in life than being a parent to a toddler.  They are amazing, wonderful creatures full of so much energy and life.  They also SUCK the life out of their parents like no other creature known to man.  There are so many incredible moments with them that make you stop and smile and thank God for this being who has come in your life.  And yet, there are just as many moments of desperation where you wonder where the next inkling of patience will actually come from to tolerate their erratic and unreasonable behavior.

I am currently struggling more than I ever have as a parent.  Not only does a new baby bring its own added dimension and twist to the way a family functions, but a once sweet, well-mannered baby-like kid has now taken on the role of an intolerable, selfish, independent, stubborn, yet, still amazing, and sweet child.  Many times lately, I ask myself, “WHERE DID THIS KID COME FROM!?!?” as I recall several of my girlfriends’ fits of rage during this time with their children.  Frankly, I always attributed their struggles at the time with lack of discipline or control.  Now I see things clearly. 

Now, let’s get this straight (for the record).  I absolutely adore my children.  I do.  But, lately, I’m finding it difficult to be in the same room with my 3-year-old about 85% of the time.  He does have his sweet moments and his humor and charm get him pretty far in my book.  But, I have to admit, he and most other 3 year olds drive me to drink.  Seriously.  I think I actually used to refuse to babysit kids over the age of 1 and under the age of 6 for this very reason.  To be perfectly honest, I never liked babysitting any kids at all.  I hated it so much that I actually took up ironing people’s clothes instead of babysitting in order to earn extra income when I was a teenager.  I’ve never really had an affinity for other people’s kids or kids in general.  This is a terrible thing to admit as a parent, right?  Well, fortunately I changed my mind when my niece was born and grew to love kids enough to want one of my own.  So, the fact that I have any kids of my own is, in and of itself, a miracle! 

Before giving birth to these wonderful beings, I never knew the joy that motherhood could bring.  I used to stare and gaze into my newborn baby’s face as he slept and just sob from sheer elation and the overwhelming feeling of love I had for this little being.  I remember thinking, “I can’t imagine ever being angry enough to yell at this child…I sure hope God gives me the strength to be able to discipline him when he needs it.”  Boy, was I naive!!  There are days that I feel like all I do is yell.  I never wanted to be that kind of mother.  I’ve always hated hearing parents yelling at their children.  I am an educated woman who has gone through much worse than having a child refuse to got potty in my life.  How could I possibly allow my intentions and daily agenda to be violently thwarted by a tiny, little, stubborn human?  I always knew it would be hard work and there would be tough days, but some days are just ridiculously hard to the point where I think I’m being tortured by wild animals in an abandoned jungle in Africa.  Sometimes I envision monkeys poking at my feet and pulling at my hair while jumping up and down and screaming with laughter (at me)…then lions are raging at me so loudly that I can’t even hear myself think long and clearly enough to form a complete thought.  Meanwhile, those elephants keep marching (with mud on their feet) around my head causing me to walk out the door and forget my keys, while the vicious crocodiles constantly have their big mouths open for more food.  Didn’t I JUST feed them?! 

Deep down, I know that time is fleeting and these moments will not last forever.  One day, there won’t be any toys to pick up or conversations about dinosaurs or monster trucks.  By the grace of God, my 3-year old will continue to grow (even if only from eating an excessive amount of chicken nuggets and Kekse) and become a normal, intelligent human being who is kind and caring and thoughtful and doesn’t screech a high C in the middle of a restaurant when his chip falls on the floor…or refuse to go potty unless M&M’s are part of the equation.  I mean, seriously…what if he is 18 and won’t go potty unless someone offers him an M&M???  Will I need to hunt him down at a frat party and change his diapers? Logic tells me this won’t happen.  But right now, this challenging time makes me think we’ll be holding him down kicking and screaming to brush his teeth well into his twenties.

Just sayin…

Thank you, Mexican Martini!

by Amy | Feb 4, 2012 | mama confessions

So this is Julian and me…we both need our sippy cups from dealing with Tate today!

Go to sleep. Really. Now. And stay asleep.

by Amy | Jan 23, 2012 | mama confessions

I began my post earlier with some very poignant thoughts and insight regarding how things are going for me right now, but it turned into a mindless, rambling rant, so I tucked it away into my prayer journal that only I, God and perhaps whomever inherits my computer files will see someday.  Blogging is tougher than I thought it would be.  You know why?  Because now I don’t feel free to ramble whatever comes to my mind.  I wish I could do that, but when I start to do that, I risk feeling too transparent and vulnerable.  Sometimes it’s good to just empty your trash behind closed doors and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.  I actually hate doing that.  I’m super transparent and don’t like putting on a happy face just to save face.  But, for the sake of not dragging the world (or my 4 readers) down with me, I will refrain from unloading. 

Truthfully, there’s not much to unload other than the usual:  I’m tired.  I see no end to the tired.  I have responsibilities that make it hard for me to stay tired.  I’m no different than anyone else with children or 50 million things on their plate.  My burden is no more difficult to bear than anyone else.  Everyone has a problem.  Everyone has issues they are dealing with.  Mine are unique to me, but not unique to the world.  So, why then can’t I just let it go?  Why do I have to take my tiredness personally?  Where does the conflict lie here?

Well, to be honest, I’ve been asking myself some difficult questions all day today.  I woke up bitter and resentful.  This was my second day in a row to wake up before 6am with the baby after sleeping with him and nursing him back to sleep all night long.  I’ve run through all the scenarios of why he isn’t sleeping well.  He slept well until about 3 months ago.  Since then, my life has been on hold.  I have seriously contemplated letting him “cry it out” as some books, some friends and some family suggest.  But, after 2 failed attempts, I just don’t think I have it in me.  I tried it with my older son as well since he was never a good sleeper either.  I wanted so badly for it to work for me, but I couldn’t do it.  I read all the books before I had my first child that suggested that children need to self sooth and be allowed to cry themselves to sleep in order to learn how to sleep better.  When I read those books prior to having children, I thought, “Hmmm…seems easy enough.  Children should not rule the house, after all.  They need structure.  I need a life.  If it takes a few nights of screaming, so be it.”  That all changed when he was born.  I hated even hearing the slightest whimper.  Now, I’m a little more callous, I must admit.  As he’s gotten older, I have less and less of a hard time hearing him cry — especially if he’s been disciplined.  But, I still can’t tune it out.  It’s just not in me.  And that’s ok. 

At first I thought that my inability to let my child cry it out was a weakness on my part.  I had so many friends who were able to flawlessly “put their child to bed”.  I wanted to be that parent.  I thought I wanted to be the type of parent who sets the stage for how things are going to be and not be controlled by a child’s rhythm of life.  But, as time has gone on, I have become a parent that fits my lifestyle and my family’s lifestyle.  Sure, I second-guess myself all the time.  I wish my oldest would just go to bed when it’s time, and we wouldn’t have to coax him and lure him into his room.  But, we have made such headway.  He now goes to his room when it is time and even though my husband or I many times have to lie with him, he eventually falls asleep and sleeps through the night most nights. 

My baby, on the other hand, is a different story.  He is such a good, sweet baby.  He is happy.  He is easy-going.  But the kid is torturing me at night.  Night after night I put him to bed at around the same time.  I bathe him.  I get him dressed for bed.  We read stories.  We talk to his Mr. Owl.  I sing to him.  I nurse him.  He falls asleep.  I put him in his crib.  I leave the room.  I go about my life.  And night after night, he awakes after 30-45 minutes and wants to nurse again.  Then I put him back to bed.  Then, if I’m lucky, he sleeps til 10pm and awakes again wanting to nurse.  This cycle continues ALL NIGHT LONG!  I seriously find myself wondering what I did in a former life to deserve such torture.  Now, I have read all the books.  And I mean ALL THE BOOKS on this topic.  I know the age-old theory that if you put a baby to bed half asleep and let him fall asleep on his own he won’t wake up wondering where you are and will eventually put himself back to sleep.  This was never the case with my first child and has not yet been the case for the second child.  Again, maybe I just don’t have the stamina to hear my kids screaming at the top of their lungs as if they are being tied up by their feet and dragged through broken glass, so maybe this is truly a weakness on my part.  But, whatever…I’ll admit to some weakness here and there.

All that to say, I am seriously conflicted with this whole sleep thing, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this conflicted about anything else in my life.  That’s pretty extreme. I know.  But, the subject causes me some pretty major anxiety.  On one hand, I do want my life semi-back.  I know that I have kids, so my life IS my kids right now.  I get that.  But, I’d like to be able to put my kids to bed at a decent time at night and read or lie in front of the tv or have a conversation with my husband without a million interruptions or catch up on emails or a hobby I enjoy.  I’m painfully missing being able to count on a break at night, and I’m dreading nights right now because I know they will most likely be more exhausting than the day I just had. 

Anyway…I wanted to avoid ranting or complaining, but truthfully, I needed to get this stuff out in a constructive way.  (btw-my original post was much more angry and hostile)

I truly want to make some positive decisions for this upcoming year and not let myself be brought down by things as trivial as sleep deprivation.  I know this will not last forever.  It can’t.  If it does, I will die.  But, really…it can’t.  So, I’m praying that God would give me strength to make it through and I keep praying that my son would start sleeping longer periods of time.  I know he can do it.  Go Julian!  Sleep, Baby!  Sleepppppppppppp!!!!!