by Amy | Nov 16, 2011 | mama confessions
I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I just don’t want to deal with the holidays this year. Ever since I can remember, Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite time of the year. I love the cool, fall breeze, football games, pumpkin patches, fall scents and the anticipation of a day spent with the ones you love giving thanks. For years, Thanksgiving was always at my Grandma’s house. All of us would pile in her tiny living room and watch football and we’d pile in the kitchen to pile up our plates with turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and toss it back with some sweet tea. Thanksgiving was never right without my Grandma’s homemade rolls and corn fritters. Man they were good! I can smell them now and taste them like it was yesterday. For dessert, we would usually have a wide array of pies that everyone baked and lined up on the buffet. We’d have several varieties of pumpkin pie, pecan pie and my Grandma would always add in something like blackberry cobbler or apple pie or sometimes even gooseberry pie (my personal favorite). My Mom’s side of the family’s last name is Pilgrim, so there were at least two occasions where we were selected to participate in news interviews or for write ups in the newspaper. One year, we made a whole column and our picture was on the front page — simply because of the Pilgrim name.
Over the years, Thanksgiving has become less festive as all of us have grown and moved on. My Grandma stopped hosting the holiday at her house because our clan was growing too much and her house kept getting smaller and smaller. It was also hard on her to have that much responsibility and so many people over at once, so we started having it at our house. My Mom always did the turkey and stuffing and I have always made a few signature dishes of my own to contribute. My Grandma would still bring her rolls and fritters and over the years, we’d all try to duplicate one of her signature dishes, but we could never quite get it right. Once I moved to Europe, Thanksgiving became a thing of the past. I always came home for Christmas and Thanksgiving was too close, so I never made it back for that. Many times, I would celebrate with my American friends in Vienna, which was always nice. We’d do a potluck and everyone would bring their specialty. Since my friends were all from different backgrounds, we had a huge variety of different types of food. A lot of times, the grocery wouldn’t carry certain things that would lend to a specific recipe, so we’d have to improvise and do our best to make it work. And I believe I spent a couple of years working over Thanksgiving and sharing the celebration with colleagues. It was still special, but not like the Thanksgivings I grew up with. Since I have lived back in the States, I have been home once or twice for Thanksgiving, but we quit doing it when we realized we’d just have to get back in the car and turn around 4 weeks later if we wanted to come home for Christmas too. Since we stopped going home for Thanksgiving, we’ve had a couple of Thanksgivings where my parents have been able to make it down here. That was always special because I could show off my turkey making skills and my Mom could relax for a change. I even made Thanksgiving dinner 2 weeks after my oldest son was born — which was interesting and exhausting! But typically, Thanksgiving has just been us — our little family — here at home in Austin without visitors or further plans other than attempting to eat a 4-5 lb. turkey on our own with lots of leftovers for days on end until everything is gone.
This year, we had everything arranged. My parents were going to come down the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then we’d get up on Wednesday and head to San Antonio where we were all booked to stay in a hotel on the Riverwalk overnight. Then, we’d leisurely head back to Austin and I’d prepare our Thanksgiving meal. I was so excited! We wouldn’t be alone for Thanksgiving and for once, we’d have something fun planned ahead of time. How often does that happen?!
Then I got the text last week about my Dad. My Dad had a TIA or mini stroke, and was in the hospital for several days while they stabilized his blood pressure and ran tests to assess the situation and acquire more accurate information about his condition. He will now have to undergo a very serious surgery on his carotid arteries within the next few weeks due to 50-70% blockage and take it easy.
Quite honestly, I’m not upset about my Dad’s condition. Yes, I’m worried about his health. Yes, I’m sad they aren’t coming after all, and we will be spending Thanksgiving with just our little family. I’m anxious about the surgery and pray that it goes well. I wish it were tomorrow rather than 3 weeks from now. I think what gets me the most is that I’m so far removed from the situation. My sisters can go over and check on him on a daily basis, but I’d have to get a plane ticket and alter my life in a major way to go there and no matter how much I wanted to be there last week when he was in the hospital, I couldn’t do it. We were just there for my Grandma’s funeral…then only 4 weeks before that for my Dad’s birthday. Going again already would be too much. But I wanted to. And being here really did a number on me as I awaited information from family members who don’t like to use the phone or email.
This is in no way a sympathy plea, but I’m just sad. I’m sad that my Grandma is gone and it’s the end of her era. I’m sad by the realization that life is going by and my parents are aging. The “good ol’ days” are over. I’m happy that I get to create new memories and traditions with my own little family and I’m so grateful for that. But, right now, at this very moment, I’m feeling nostalgic and sad. I never meant to leave home for good. I just wanted a new change of scenery for a while. But, here I am…10 years away from home and the prospect of being able to return just doesn’t seem very probable. It’s not to say that I don’t like Austin. I do. I also love my friends here and the life we’ve created. It’s funny…I don’t think I would have missed it had we left even 3 years ago, but I’d miss it now. I’d be leaving a lot behind. But, to not have to go through all the emotions I’m going through right now, I’d do it in a heart beat. I hate being out of the loop. I hate not being closer and able to pop in and help out when I’m needed.
I don’t know that I sound very grateful tonight, but I am. Here are a few things I’m grateful for:
- My comfy bed.
- The boys went to bed by 6:45pm tonight.
- I received this wonderful almond exfoliator from L’Occitane from my Aunt Babbie and used it this morning. It was heavenly!
- Today was a really sweet day with my boys. We didn’t go anywhere, but were able to just hang out and enjoy each other’s company.
- It rained today
- My Dad is home and in good spirits
- Tate had a great birthday on Monday
- I was really on top of his party this year — even though I wasn’t really in the mood to throw one.
- falling asleep as I type this…hopefully I can finish this list tomorrow (or make a new one)
- going to bed now…good night!
by Amy | Nov 14, 2011 | mama confessions
There’s a beloved children’s book series by Jane Yolen called, “How Do Dinosaurs…?” Each book discusses a different aspect of learning appropriate behaviors for things like bedtime, eating food, playing with friends and so on.
What if a dinosaur’s friends come to play?
Does he mope, does he pout if he can’t get his way?
Does he hide all his dump trucks, refusing to share?
Does he throw his friends’ coloring books up in the air?
Right now, I feel like I could use a book about how dinosaurs deal with stress. It might go something like this:
What if a dinosaur has a sick Dad?
Does she mope, does she cry, does she pretend she’s not sad?
Does she drink lots of wine and eat lots of food?
Does she yell at her kids ‘cuz she’s in a bad mood?
I’m finding this phase of my life to be a really tough one for me. Simply for the fact that I’m heavily relied upon and not able to adequately process things going on outside of my current little hemisphere. For the past few weeks since my Grandma died, I’ve found myself having to cry at night while the kids are asleep or during those short moments when I run to the bathroom and get a minute to myself. I don’t want to scare them by my grief. I don’t want my sadness to affect them. I know they will eventually need to learn what grieving is, but not now. Now isn’t the time to fill them in on the inevitable pain that comes from losing a loved one.
After finding out that my Dad had a stroke last week and will now have to have surgery within the next few days, I am once again faced with the reality of losing a loved one. I pray that everything works out, and he has a successful surgery and is restored to health. God, I do. But, the truth of the matter is, his condition is serious and the procedure that he is going to have done is risky and life threatening. My Dad and I are close. He’s close to all of us. He’s that kind of Dad. We haven’t always had a perfect relationship. We’ve had our ups and downs. But, he has been there for me over and over again throughout my life and I love him so much. I can’t imagine life without him. He’s only 60 years old. That’s too young to be faced with something this serious. He’s too young for his life to be over. We need him here longer. I need him to be around to watch my children grow. I need about 2500 more conversations with him before I will feel I’ve had enough. Maybe even more than that. I need him to mumble over the phone and tell jokes that only he thinks are funny. I need him to tell me stories he’s already told me about over a thousand times…yet another time. I need him to supply me with wayyyy too much Laura Little’s fudge from back home and cut out articles that he thinks I’d be interested in and send them to me in the mail. I need him to tell me every detail about every make and model of every car ever made and make sure I know the small differences in the body style of every year of VW Beetle ever made.
I’m scared. Maybe this crisis is riding a little too close on the tail of the previous crisis and skewing my reality. Maybe my geographical distance from the situation is making it seem more dramatic than it actually is. I don’t see anyone else in my family putting the breaks on their own lives over this. They are still updating their statuses on Facebook and going to the grocery store. They are still going to work and taking care of their kids. So, why is it that I feel like I can’t move? I feel paralyzed by the possibility of losing my father. I feel like I am incapable of doing my day to day things.
Last night I sucked it up. Despite my paralysis and disdain for hosting a party which would include lots of sugared up toddlers running through my house and having to be social, I stayed up til 1am and decorated a cake for my son’s birthday party. I got everything ready while the kids were sleeping and woke up this morning and was, for the first time ever, completely on top of the occasion. I was ready when guests arrived. I was present. I was in the moment. I was not hurried or frazzled or scattered. I was prepared. I was calm. I was collected. I was alive. He had a wonderful birthday. We had wonderful guests and wonderful children in our home. He loved his cake. He loved his presents. Life was good. Today.
Tonight, after all has been baked, decorated, eaten, wrapped, unwrapped, put up, taken down, set up, thrown away. After the house has been filled with anticipation and filled with loud, happy children who are filled with sugar. Tonight, after babies are nursed to sleep and toddlers are put to bed, the house is quiet. I can now grieve. I can now cry. I can now ask, “Why?!” I can now stand in my kitchen in my pajamas and eat more cake. I can now write to my soul’s content. I can now worry. I can now pray. I can now plan tomorrow and gather the strength to make it through another week. I can now pluck my upper lip and eye brows for 30 minutes in the mirror while thinking and processing and analyzing the entire day’s events. Because tomorrow I will have to put on a smile and wish my child a happy birthday and live our lives as if everything is wonderful in the world. I will need the strength for that. I will need clarity and peace of mind. I will need to be strong for my kids and give them my best. I can’t fall apart.
Tonight, I am grateful for:
- Precious moments with the ones we love. We don’t know when the last precious moment we will have is.
- My sweet Dad. I pray he will be with us for many years to come.
- Precious children who don’t stay children for long. Damn the system!
- A house full of toys that make noise and clutter and dirty carpet.
- Snot and spit up stained couches.
- Friends who stand in the gap when family is far away and come to your son’s birthday party.
- Husbands who tolerate mood swings and hug us when we are down.
- my Mom’s cake decorating skills. I guess I learned something along the way.
- my metabolism. It’s slowing down, but apparently it’s still good if I can eat all this cake and cookies.
- having a fitness center nearby. Need to use that facility soon.
by Amy | Nov 10, 2011 | mama confessions
It’s strange. I started out wanting to make this blog about the joys and trials of motherhood, how it has changed me, tips I’ve learned along the way, funny happenings in my little microcosm and basically, all things Mommy. Since I started writing, however, this blog has taken some strange twists and turns as life is happening while I’m busy being a Mommy. My Grandma died the day after I started writing, which had a huge affect on me and while I haven’t spent every day in the depths of depression, I have really taken a hit by her passing. Then, just as I started to scrape myself off the dirty sidewalk and get my groove back, I am hit, yet again, with the news that my Dad is in the hospital after having what they think was a TIA or mini-stroke over the past couple of days. As I type this, I’m sitting in my baby’s room while he plays in his crib and my other son sleeps in the living room. All the lights are off in the house even as the sun sets early on this mid-November afternoon. I can’t be bothered to turn any lights on or put mascara on or do anything productive, for that matter. My head is literally spinning. He’s currently undergoing MRIs and angiograms and whatever other tests they need to take to determine what to do next. Funny thing is, there’s nothing I can do. There’s no one I can call or confide in who would make me feel better. I’m 700 miles away from the scene, and I’m helpless and alone. Well, not alone. But, I’m alone in my head. I haven’t felt this desperate since I was living in Vienna, Austria in early June of 2002 and found out that my close friend Chuck had killed himself, that my Dad had prostate cancer and my Grandma was going into emergency surgery for a quintuple bypass surgery all within the same week! I was in the middle of a production with Theater an der Wien and by contract, I could not leave. I was stuck. I swore then I would never be in that predicament again — not able to be there for family members or friends who are struggling and/or sick. Now, here I am, with two little kids who need me while my very young Dad (just turned 60) is going through some pretty serious stuff back home. I’m not able to fly there or drive there, and even if I were, the only thing I could do is sit and wait — just like my Mom and sisters are doing. But, I don’t even have that option right now, and it’s killing me!
Like I said, I had no intention of my blog posts being this serious in nature, but what I’m coming to realize through writing is that life is a series of events that take place while you’re trying to figure out stuff like your baby’s sleep patterns, why he’s constipated and what you should feed him. Life is happening while we’re planning birthday parties for our soon-to-be 3 year old. Life is happening while we are pondering about the future purchase of a bigger car or while we’re mad that we accidentally bought rotten tomaters at the grocery store. Life is happening while we’re mad at our spouses for this or that, and we’re not happy with the wrinkles showing up on our faces. It’s funny how trivial and small we sometimes let our lives become. We get so caught up in the day to day B.S. of the guy cutting us off in traffic or our paint chipping off of our walls, we forget what really matters most–the health and happiness of our family.
I am Guilty Party Numero Uno when it comes to obsessing about the small things in life. I’d like to think I’m above it, but I’m not. Three days ago (before all of this happened with my Dad), I was lamenting over not getting enough sleep, wondering what I should make every night this week for dinner and attempting to plan for my son’s birthday party. Now, I’m barely able to move. I am paralyzed by the fear that my Dad could have something really seriously wrong with him. That he could die on the operating table if they have to open him up and unblock his artery leading to his brain. That he may never get the usage of his left hand back. That he may not be able to work and provide for my mother and him anymore (since he’s far from being able to retire and works for himself). My rational, spiritual self is saying, “It’ll all be OK, Amy.” But the human part of me that knows how these things can play out is starting to lose it. What if? What if it doesn’t all work out? I’m really scared. And what’s worse, I’m really scared and I have a little boy counting on me to pull through for his birthday. I am really scared, and I have another little guy who is counting on me to feed him, to giggle with him and tickle him and change his diapers and figure out why in the heck he’s not pooping. No more holing up and digesting this kind of information. No more taking time to process the weight of aging parents and sudden conditions and ailments that cause most of us to stop and ponder life. There’s no time for that. I’m a Mommy who is grieving the loss of her Grandma and scared shitless about the serious health condition of my father. Who can take all that on and still smile?
While it is hard for me, today, to do anything — let alone write a gratitude list, here goes:
- My Dad is alive and they caught whatever he has in time that it has not done a lot of permanent damage (that they know of) yet.
- My little family is healthy.
- I am strong.
- I am healthy.
- I am a Mommy.
- My baby is about to turn 3 years old!
- I have enough treats in our “Potty Jar” to keep my son pottying on the big boy potty for quite a while.
- Michael’s honored my 50% off coupon through my phone today when I bought a cake pan.
- My home feels serene and quiet right now.
- Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight.
- So is Private Practice.
- I’m not cooking tonight.
- All of my birthday schtuff is bought and ready to go.
- I have at least one glass of wine left in that bottle in the fridge.
by Amy | Nov 8, 2011 | mama confessions
I don’t know if it’s the fact that every time I get an extra ounce of energy to do something, I’m quickly brought back to reality by the fact that one or both of my kids needs me for something STAT. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m constantly lacking energy and feeling more sleep deprived than ever. Whatever it is, I have absolutely NO motivation or inspiration to do anything. I give up. I surrender all. I’m done.
This morning and all day yesterday, I kept asking myself, “What is WRONG with me?!” I hate hate hate feeling this way. I don’t like to complain. I don’t like to be stagnant and blah. I don’t like feeling like I have no control over my life and what happens or doesn’t happen over the course of a day. But, somehow, here I am. What’s funny is that I don’t really have anything super pressing to do. I just miss that feeling of waking up and being able to accomplish something trivial without having to use ALL the energy I have to fight through and make something happen against all odds. When I speak of accomplishing something, I must make myself clear: I’m not forging through a complex business plan — or any business plan for that matter. I’m not even attempting to clean my house or make a meal. I am merely attempting to make a couple of necessary telephone calls or get on my computer for more than 5 seconds to check emails and get some necessary things in order for the week and weekend coming up. How hard is that? Why does it feel monumental?
I love my boys. I love my life. I’m so grateful for all that I have. Why then…oh WHYYYY do I have these moments where I just feel helpless and depressed about my current state? I don’t even think it’s the day to day stuff — although that does have a tendency to create a sense of ambiguity for even the strongest of women who are mothers and/or stay-at-home mothers. I don’t mind the dirty diapers or the endless pile of toys or the spit-up stained and stretched out shirts that were once “cute”. The reality is, I don’t have any complaints about being a Mommy. It’s so gratifying for me and, while exhausting, the most fun I’ve ever had. So why does this dark cloud loom overhead?
We just had a wonderful weekend spending time with my Aunt and Uncle from Denver and doing all kinds of fun stuff in Austin. They were amazed at how versatile my kids were. We took them everywhere and were gone all day and yet, at the end of a very long day, they were still smiling. How fortunate are we? I’m so glad I’m not stuck at home with two grumpy kids who can’t be flexible when we do something out of the ordinary. I can virtually take them anywhere and it works. So, why am I complaining?
Well, I think what’s getting me down the most right now is my inability to take my inspiration and run with it like I used to. I am a creative person by nature. I don’t just like being creative. I thrive on being creative. Whether creativity should strike by working on my voice and widdling my way through an interpretation of a song in a foreign language, or picking out a new paint color for a room in my house, or writing in my journal or letting my wheels turn on possibilities with my current business or businesses that have yet to be created — I love to create! When I don’t get to create, I get grouchy. I get complacent. I get stagnant. I get bored. I truly think this is why I didn’t have kids sooner in my life. I mean, I guess I also needed a husband, too, right? But, I really resisted having kids because of this very issue.
Everything about having kids goes against my nature. I’m not highly social. Having kids makes you highly social — like it or not. If you don’t feel like talking or being around people, guess what? With kids you will be around people ALL day long and either have to talk a lot yourself or listen to someone else talk (or babble)! If you aren’t at home with your kids alone, you are being social by being out on playdates or birthday parties, the park, storytime at the library or some class for kids. Yay for being social! No more holing up and giving myself time and space to breathe before I go out in public! lol
So, I guess that’s it in a nutshell. I’m struggling with some fundamental personality conflicts with myself and where I am in my life. I never thought I’d say that with regards to being a Mommy. I used to frown upon hearing that friends of mine were dissatisfied when they had beautiful children and a husband — the perfect life! But, I think with every phase of life comes a bit of inner dialogue and conflict. This is not for wimps. I love it and thank God every day that he blessed me with two beautiful children, but I also mourn the loss of myself. That sounds so cliche, right? I hated that phrase as well. How do you lose yourself? You just get redefined, right? Well, redefining who you are is not always so simple. One can only relinquish so much of herself: her time, her energy, her choice of radio stations, her choice of how many hours of sleep she gets, her choice of how spicy she makes dinner, her choice of where she spends her day, her choice of what television shows she watches — if any at all, her choice of how much time she gets to spend doing things she likes to do, before she starts feeling a little desperate.
I am not a victim, though. I have never liked people who make themselves out to be victims or martyrs. And I never thought they made good Mommies. We all have our own cross to bear. We all make choices. I made mine and I’m so glad I did. But, I really don’t see any other way of doing things for a while, and that’s hard to swallow sometimes. Sure, I can go out with girlfriends on occasion or plan a date night with my husband. Sure, I can carve out time for myself throughout the week or start planning ahead for creative ventures that make me feel alive again. I know all that stuff. And sure, the occasional outings or time and space do help. But the reality is, I need to find a way to accept this change in my life and be content. No amount of sleep or time to myself is going to change the reality — I have two young children who need me…constantly. I honestly don’t feel like I need a vacation from that to make me feel better. I need to accept it, find a way to be creative and remain who I was born to be AND be a great Mommy. The question is how? There is no silence in my day where I’m awake enough to breathe deeply and meditate. There is no unpaid help that could potentially relieve me a couple hours a week for some ME time. There’s no Grandma standing by to babysit my kids so I can have a date night with my husband. So, somehow, I need to accept that, right now, for this short phase in my life, I am going to not have the time or energy to be creative. I am not going to be able to do those things that personally fulfil ME — at least not on a regular basis. And with this reality in mind, how will I proceed? Hmmm…interesting stuff to think about.
So, here’s my gratitude list for today:
- my two boys who are so little and sweet right now. This phase of their lives won’t last long, so I can embrace it and love it!
- my colorful life full of inspiration that I will one day be able to act upon
- my extended family — aunts, uncles, cousins — who add richness and fulfilment to our lives
- it’s raining outside
- my son is getting ready to turn 3. My life has changed so much since he was born and FOR THE BETTER! Without him, life would be so dull (and quiet).
- my cozy house that is dark and lit with candles right now
- my 6 students who are coming today for lessons.
- having a good hair day
- all these magazines that I will one day be able to sit and look at and get inspiration from
- great friends to share fun experiences with
by Amy | Nov 6, 2011 | mama confessions
Today, my Aunt and Uncle flew back to Denver after their very short whirlwind weekend visit here in Austin. Their trip was much anticipated, and we had such a great time with them, but I’m somehow left to feel so sad and empty for not just them but all of our out of town family. Fall and winter bring a solemn spirit of longing for family closeness to me. I can’t quite explain it. I just want to be closer to family and see the people I love more often. This Aunt and Uncle never lived close to us geographically. From the time I can remember, they always lived out of town and far away from where our family lived. In your mind, you hope that distance won’t create an obstacle, but it somehow always does — especially with limited resources and time to travel. We never saw them. We spoke with them only on special occasions. When we did see them, it was usually a drive by visit from them or a very short whirlwind visit for us. This weekend makes me wonder how different things might have been had we lived closer and seen each other more often. It was so sweet to get to know them and yet, so sad to think of what could have been if only we had spent more time with them growing up.
Experiencing my Grandmother’s death over the past month has made me realize even more how precious time with your loved ones is. Every second of the day, we are making memories — whether pleasant or not so pleasant. Many of us get so caught up in the busy-ness of our lives, that we fail to realize how quickly time is actually going by. We have now lived in Austin, TX for over seven years. How’s that possible? I moved away from my hometown to go and explore Europe in 2001, and here it is, almost 2012! I’m floored by this.
Anyway, I hate to be Debbie Downer in this post, but I feel very sad right now regarding where we currently are in our lives: Living far away from all of our family on both sides with two little kids and very limited resources to get up and go spend time with our families when we want to. Something has to change soon. But will it?
OK. Here’s my gratitude list (long overdue):
I’m grateful for:
- Great weekends like this one with wonderful family coming to visit us. What a fun time we had!!
- The fact that my parents are coming to visit in 2 weeks for Thanksgiving!
- Friendships here in Austin that are like family in many ways and help to fill that gap and make living far away from family a little easier.
- My precious immediate family — my husband and my boys — for they are my reason for living.
- Cloudy, rainy days that allow us to rest and forget about the world.
- All this food I bought that we haven’t eaten in my fridge.
- Not having to cook dinner tonight.
- The prospect of eventually moving back home to be closer to my family.
- Skype
- In preparation for our guests, I was able to get all of my recent pictures printed and hung up on the walls. THIS IS PROGRESS!
by Amy | Nov 4, 2011 | mama confessions
Today I ordered actual prints of some of the pictures we’ve been taking throughout the year. I have been working on creating a folder of all of my favorite pictures, and I finally uploaded them to Walmart’s online photo department and picked them up this afternoon. Since the kids fell asleep, I’ve been drinking my favorite Austrian wine and putting all the pictures in frames. I can’t believe it has been nearly six months since I’ve done something this productive. I have been so upset that I haven’t been able to get around to doing this ONE THING, so it makes me happy that I finally have a sense of accomplishment. It took having relatives book a flight and say they are coming this weekend for me to do it, but hey…some things just need a little motivation!
PICTURES ARE IMPORTANT TO ME! (sorry about the caps…it’s the wine) I like having pictures up ALL OVER MY HOUSE! It makes me feel good. It makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am. It makes me feel blessed and loved. It makes me PROUD! I am so proud. But not in a conceited way. I am proud, because I never thought I’d have this. I never thought I’d have this wonderful family. So many relationships failed to succeed throughout my twenties and made me believe that I wasn’t worthy of love. When I met Thomas after so many broken, failed relationships, I couldn’t believe that love had finally found me. The feelings were right. The timing was right. I’m still pinching myself. It’s not perfect. Nothing is. We argue over stupid things. We get on each other’s nerves. He still has yet to figure me out and I have yet to figure him out. But we love each other. Deeply. We love each other more than our problems. We love each other more than our failures. We are best friends. This makes me so grateful for all the failed relationships I had before him. Thank God I didn’t end up with some of those creeps! He is such a gem. He makes me a better person. OK…enough of the sappy stuff.
So, I have all the pics in frames and actually need to go and buy more frames. I’m realizing how frameless I am. har har har No, but seriously…writing while drinking wine is hard.
Thomas and I just looked at each other and said, “Why are we still awake? The boys are sleeping!!!!!!” There’s something about the freedom that comes with having both boys in bed that makes us not want to sleep. I don’t know why, since I always complain about sleep deprivation. You’d think I’d be all curled up and asleep by now, but I’m not. So dumb.
OK, the wine has definitely taken over and not allowing me to have any thought worth having, so here is my gratitude list:
Today, I am grateful for:
- welll…my child just woke up! what are the odds?
- Austrian wine
- the great day I had in my pajamas
- the cooler weather
- my house is clean
- crap, he’s crying
- my pictures are printed and in frames
- ok…now he’s really crying
- chocolate
- sex
ok…sorry! that was random, but gotta go!
by Amy | Nov 3, 2011 | mama confessions
So, apparently there is a cold front coming through tonight, and my body can already sense it. The wind is blowing swiftly through the trees outside, and all I want to do is curl up under blankets and sleep. This is why I need fall/winter. I am a hibernator. I really enjoy going on lock down and just staying home and nesting in my little house, making soup and cookies and lighting candles. It’s my thang! It all has to do with my need to just be antisocial for a season. This is my season. I love people and meeting friends — don’t get me wrong. But, I also just love time to myself. I laugh because I haven’t had time to myself in approximately three years, but now, time to myself consists of just being home and not running all over God’s green earth doing stuff to fill up my day. When you have kids, that’s tempting to do. But, I am so rewarded by the days that we are just home, not doing much of anything. Those are the times memories are made and we are rejuvenated and energized for days to come when we are busy.
OK, so how did I get on that kick? Today was a great day. We went to the park this morning. There was a light, cool breeze in the air and the kids really had a lot of fun. We have our German playgroup meetup on Wednesdays, and we just love getting together with this group and getting to know the people in it more and more. It also really helps my German to stay intact, and I think I’ve even improved since we’ve been meeting regularly. Tate and his little girlfriend, Elizabeth, were so cute today, too. They immediately started holding hands when they saw each other and were pretty much inseparable the whole time. When Tate would swing, Elizabeth wanted to swing. When Tate wanted down from the swing, so did she. It was so adorable. It’s nice to see them playing together so nicely and really forming a true friendship. Children engage in parallel play (playing alongside each other without really interacting) for so long throughout their infant and toddler years, so the interaction with one another is a sure sign that they are really maturing. You can see that now so clearly. I’ll have to post a picture of them soon. They are so sweet!
After the park, we forged on to Costco. We hadn’t eaten lunch yet, so thankfully, they had their sample carts set up with all kinds of different foods to sample. That helped us make it through the store in one piece. Thank God! We had so much fun. Tate really enjoys trying different things. I am always intrigued by what he’ll eat in a store in a little paper cup vs. what he’ll eat at home when I serve it to him. He’ll try anything there. At home, however, he’s not so adventurous. I guess I should change my approach and start standing behind a cart with a uniform offering his food in paper cups or on tooth picks. Hey! I just might be onto something!
OK…I’m too beat to make sense, but I wanted to write my gratitude list. By the way, this list is keeping me ALIVE lately and really changing the way I think. I still have a tendency to look at the glass a little half empty, but it’s totally improving my outlook on life. I think cultivating the awareness in and of itself is a good thing. I also love and am looking forward to another New Way of Being telecourse, but unfortunately, there isn’t one til next week. I love it, because it’s just a reminder to me that I need to slow down and enjoy the little things in my life. The old me (prior to kids and even sometimes nowadays) would get stressed out when the house was a mess or my son was acting up. I would remember times when little things would set off my whole day and make it a “bad day”. But since I’ve become aware of that tendency toward downhill spiral, I am able to push the pause button more often than I used to before just reacting, and ask myself some key questions that help me refocus and get my day back on track. For instance, if I find myself getting frustrated with my son, it’s helpful for me to stop, take a deep breath and ask myself why his behavior is frustrating me or having such a negative impact on me. Then I am more able to approach him with a gentler tone and redirect his behavior. I’m still working on this, but it is helping me so much and helping him as well. I love all the resources there are, and I eat up any new information I can get.
Today, I am grateful for:
- My love for reading and learning and growing. I love that I crave more knowledge all the time. And what I love even more is that there is endless knowledge to receive.
- My son’s everchanging maturity level. He is growing up so fast. Love him!
- The cold front coming through tonight. Hermit weather is finally approaching.
- The fact that right now, at this very moment, both of my children are sound asleep. (why I am not is a whole other story)
- Being invited (although I could not attend) to come and help out at an annual women’s conference today. Knowing opportunities like that exist helps me stay on track and know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
- My singing voice. It has been such a wonderful instrument for me. I haven’t sung in ages, but I am looking forward to the day I can dust off these cords again.
- My personal voice. I always knew I had one in me, but now it’s getting more focus and direction (except for this blog post). I hope and pray that God can use me in some way to touch lives with my voice someday. I feel like this blog is a start.
- This blog. I had no idea how much I would look forward to writing everyday. It is not a chore. It is an exciting, fulfilling way for me to unleash my thoughts and get a broader perspective on my current state. It’s like morning pages (from The Artist’s Way), but instead, it’s night pages.
- My new panini press/grill. We used it tonight to make an amazing panini dinner and it was so easy!! Why I haven’t bought one of these until now is a mystery! LOVE!
- My whole house is clean. It took doing things in several phases over the course of this week, but other than a few odds and ends, the house is clean. Yay!!!
by Amy | Nov 2, 2011 | mama confessions
THANK YOU, GOD! My first student didn’t show! Normally, I would not necessarily be happy about that, but today I am SO relieved. This means I only have to teach 5 students instead of 6. It shouldn’t make that much of a difference, but it does for me today. My energy supply is SO low that teaching 6 might have caused me to go over the edge. OK…gosh I can be so melodramatic!
Man, today was a great, exhausting day! Things are no longer black and white like they used to be. I used to have exhausting days or great days. Now they are wrapped into one. They are both. I like that about having children. I don’t get to stay in a slump or get too excited because things are always changing. My days can start out beautifully — everyone is on the same wave length and we’re happy, well fed and we all poop before we leave home. Then, in a matter of seconds, my day can unravel and spin out of control like nobody’s business. It makes a person a little more flexible. I need that.
I am super pressed for time, since, while I’ve been trying to type this, my son has been literally crawling and climbing all over my studio and me like a little monkey. I just begged him to leave me alone for a sec so I have a min before the next student is due to arrive. Oh well. Didn’t happen.
So, quickly…here is my gratitude list: (and don’t think I’ve forgotten about my favorite products! will post them later! I promise!!)
I’m grateful for:
- beautiful, sunny, cool mornings walking with my boys and my dog around the neighborhood while pushing my amazing double stroller!
- my great students who sometimes don’t show and give me a break
- moments in my day where I can briefly take a breath and rejuvenate (I cherish those now)
- the fact that no one day is good or bad or exhilarating or exhausting. they are all wrapped into one!
- great songwriters and singers who get me going. I just can’t get enough of Sara Bareilles or Bob Schneider.
- the fact that my little man is getting so big and mature and we can actually have conversations now. love him!!
- the fact that my other littler man is also getting so big and is always SO happy and content that I forget he’s here. Just wish he’d sleep for longer stretches at night and give me a night off from time to time.
- pulled pork (I’m making that for our out-of-town guests this weekend. YUM!
- my husband who comes home early on Tuesdays so I can teach
- great friends like my girlfriend Katie who came over today after I hadn’t seen her for a long time. It’s always great to catch up and feel like we’ve never missed a beat!
My student is here…gotta go!
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OK…I’m back!
It’s 10pm and I’m beat. Been a long day. My almost 3 year old (which reminds me…still need to get his b-day invites sent out!) has been ditching naps altogether or not taking them until it’s too late in the day to mess with. Today, he didn’t seem like he wanted to take a nap, so I didn’t waste my time forcing the issue. Came back to bite me in the ass. While I was teaching my last student of the day this evening, he fell asleep on the couch while my husband was making dinner. So, I come out of my studio at 6pm to find out both of my sons are napping. Not asleep for the night, mind you, but napping. What do you do? There’s not a lot you can do, really. We tried waking him and finally were able to get him up after 20 minutes or so. Then he was doing pretty good at dinner, but all hell broke loose before, during and after bathtime. I swear, there is nothing I loathe more than hearing a wound up kid at 8pm. I’m in the other room trying to get the baby down for the night and all I could hear was shouting, screaming and a very loud bath whistle blowing through the house. To quote my friend Jenn, I wanted to THROTTLE someone! So, I get the baby down, go in the living room to read a book with him, cuddle a bit and say our good night prayers (which I love to do, btw), and I wasn’t in there 10 minutes before I’m given the news that my baby is wide awake and fussing. I rush back in to see what all the commotion is about and find him WIDE awake and ready to party. What gives?? Why do children decide to be wide awake when you are dead tired and ready to jump off a bridge? These are daily questions I ask myself. So, it took nearly an hour to get the baby down. Meanwhile, I hear my other son fighting sleep in the other room and yelling at the top of his lungs, “I WANT MOMMY!!!!” Ugh…this story just gets worse. I’ll spare myself from typing the details and everyone else from reading them. It’s frustrating to even think about…let alone, live. People who have children that sleep well (or no children at all) have no idea what it’s like to have children who struggle with sleep. It’s beyond tormenting. You feel like you want to cry, scream, kick something, strangle someone, beat yourself up, drink something, give your kids a sedative, die or all of the above. It is no fun. And no book or piece of advice in the world can make sense or help you overcome this struggle when you are beyond sleep deprived and crazy. It’s like reading a book about overcoming alcoholism after you’ve just drunk your 19th beer in a row. I used to hear my friend Jenn complain about this very issue with her sons (before I had the issues myself) and think, “Gee…is it really that hard? Who is in control? The kids or the parents?” Sorry Jenn, if you read this, it wasn’t a judgment…it was merely a thought that crossed my mind as I contemplated how I might handle the same situation. Well, I’m here to say that you are either blessed or cursed in this department. I am blessed 1000 times over in so many areas in my life, but I am cursed in this one. I have tried everything with my oldest son, and I’m afraid that this one just stumps me. He is not always difficult to get to sleep…it’s usually been the staying asleep part that drives us batty. He never fully wakes up. He just wakes us up and then the downward spiral begins. Since my baby was born, the getting to sleep part with my oldest seems to have become harder and even more challenging. While he used to easily go to bed by 8 or 8:30, he’s been pushing this time to 9:30, 10 and sometimes 10:30. My husband is the one who puts him to bed now and it is a real challenge for him to deal with. We’ve found that not letting him nap as long or at all has helped, but marginally. When he naps, he usually doesn’t pass out til 10 or after. When he doesn’t nap, he might go to bed by 9.
Then there’s my baby. He was a great sleeper early on. He slept from 10pm to 4 or 5am til he was 4 months old. (Am I boring you yet? Because I’m boring myself) Now, he wakes every 2 to 3 hours to feed or poop. It’s ridiculous and exhausting. But he’s SUCH a good baby and so happy that I hate to even complain. It’s just hard to take right now. I’m praying it gets better. It will. Right? It has to.
OK…on that note. I’m going to bed. This was not supposed to be a venting session about sleep. One day, I will look back on this phase and laugh. Right? One day.
by Amy | Oct 31, 2011 | mama confessions
First of all, Happy Halloween! btw-my husband, who never dresses up for Halloween, is going to work as Justin Bieber today. My idea. Love it!
OK, so with all this gratitude, we knew I couldn’t make it a week without counteracting with some things that make me crazy and grouchy right? It’s a rite of passage. If we try to be grateful, we will always find more to complain about. That is the human condition. I am human.
DISCLAIMER: This will probably be the most random, ADHD blog post you have ever read!
WRINKLES:
OK, so last night I noticed that I had a very deep crease in my forehead. WT_!??? And I thought I was going to escape aging! Darn the system! It’s funny. I posted about time going by quickly last night. Earlier yesterday afternoon, I had a random conversation with a neighbor I barely knew about how time goes by so quickly and today I’m blogging about my fine lines (not so fine anymore) and wrinkles. Why do wrinkles bother people so much? I have always laughed at my husband when he pulls out his gray hair (which I think is quite sexy! not the pulling out part, but the gray hair itself), but now I find myself looking very critically at my aging face. I mean, I already accepted facial hair as a fact of life a longgggg time ago and have since come up with a very regular plucking regime. I have also accepted sagging, rather unattractive, tribal breasts (which I intend to have repaired when I’m done with childbearing and nursing). I have also accepted my own run in with a few gray hairs here and there, because HAIR COLOR works wonders. But WRINKLES!??? This is truly the end of my youthful existence, isn’t it? OK, I’m being dramatic. But seriously…this is ridiculous. OK, so I admittedly used to be a sun goddess. Despite the fact that I was warned from many aging adults (like myself now) when I was younger, and despite the fact that my sweet Aunt Georga died at the very early age of 30 with melanoma skin cancer, I still loved sun bathing…and still do. Now, my once supple, super human skin is paying the price. I now have age spots, fine lines and sagging, less than elastic (like the commercial) skin. It’s depressing. Audience participation question: What do you do about it?
MAGAZINES:
The other thing that is bugging me and hanging over my head like a lead balloon is all my magazines. I am currently a subscriber to a few magazines: Shape, Rachael Ray, Family Circle and Parents. I love all of these mags, but I NEVER (and I mean NEVER) have time to even glance through them. I put them on the toilet thinking I could catch a glimpse there. But I have no time to poop either, so that doesn’t work. Then, I put the mags in the car for when we go places as a family. Nope, don’t have time there because I’m usually turned around taking care of a kid in need or in the backseat entertaining. Now the mags are up to my height and I can’t even imagine trying to go through them all. Seriously…all I really want from these mags is advice on how to get your kids to sleep 20 hours at a time and a fail proof, healthy recipe or two that my almost 3 year old will eat every time without argument or fanfare. I also love looking at new products out on the market (for wrinkles and age spots). Oh, and reading Shape might just make me feel like I’m closer to getting in shape — even though my butt won’t see a gym for another 5 years (when the kids are in school). But again, this is all about the unrealistic expectations, isn’t it? It’s driving me NUTS! So…soliciting more audience participation: What do you do about it?
BLISTERS:
I have blisters on both of my feet from the cool new shoes I just recently found at a garage sale. They are totally comfy shoes, but my feet are in so much pain from wearing them out a little too long on the first go ’round. I’ve tried peroxide, ointment, band aids and they are so painful that I can barely walk barefooted.
OK, so now I’m just going to write a list of things that get on my nerves to save time and get it all off my chest, so I can get on with my day and move on:
- stacked up junk mail on my kitchen counter. BOOOOOOO!!
- leaves and dead bugs brought in by the dog
- when someone doesn’t push their chair back in at the table after they get up from eating
- walking around the house with a toothbrush in your mouth. Why multitask? Get the job done AT THE SINK!
- people who don’t use their blinker. I don’t know where you are going!!
- people who complain too much (silent cough)
- people who are never satisfied (two silent coughs)
- silverfish. gross!
- stacked up junk mail on my kitchen counter. I know. I already mentioned this. It drives me NUTS!
- things that don’t have a place. a name. a partner.
- Since I repeated #1, I get one more right? OK…I am fed up with my garage being cluttered and dirty. In fact, I hate clutter. Despise it. That will be another blog post.
Here are the things I’m grateful for:
- My cutie patootie little guys
- My Justin Bieber lookalike
- klru (Austin Public Television)
- the fact that I got 2 bathrooms cleaned yesterday and managed to sort through my baby’s clothes and organize his closet
- the fact that I’m totally OK to look at a basket of dirty laundry sitting in my hallway today. Tomorrow, this might be a problem.
- the fact that my husband and son went to HEB yesterday and picked up some odds and ends, so I don’t have to go today. YAY!!!
- comfy clothes. love comfy clothes when it’s a little nippy outside.
- products I j’adore (which I will list in another blog post later today)
- ideas I love (another blog post)
- methods I love (another blog post)
Too da loo
by Amy | Oct 31, 2011 | mama confessions
where does the time go? I mean really! this weekend just came and went without warning. (oh, btw, i’m too tired to differentiate between caps and non-caps in this post, so everything will be non-capped — unless I decide to cap it because it’s habit.) so, I made it through my first weekend in a longgg time where I didn’t freak out. Thomas might beg to differ. but I really just went with the flow and didn’t get worked up over the house being messy or things needing to be done. I mean, I had laundry list of things that I wanted to do and I needed for him to take care of, but whatever didn’t get done just didn’t get done. Whatevs. proud of myself. that’s all I can say.
we had a really great weekend actually (now that you ask). let’s see…what did we do? well, I can’t remember. Hmmm…let’s see…Friday we didn’t do anything. I think we had leftovers. (see…it’s all about food for me) Saturday, we spent a lot of time outside and getting some things done in the yard (well, thomas did). I cut Tate’s hair and he actually let me — for about 2 minutes — so it was rather uneven. then I called up my friend Gina and asked her if she could fix it later. Then a girlfriend of mine came over with her son and dropped off her computer and took Tate for lunch. He was such a big boy that he went without us and didn’t shed a tear. Wow! Big milestone! Then, when he got home, I took him over to Gina’s and he didn’t cry at all while she cut his hair. Proud again. He is growing up before my eyes. How is this possible? I am not sad that he’s growing out of some of these stages, but it makes me realize that time is just going by. He’s been pottying all week on the big boy potty; he got his hair cut without drama. Crazy!
Anyway, today I cried about my Grandma and talked to her a little. I know that sounds silly, but I believe she is here with me. Thomas had taken Tate to get my car washed and go to the grocery store and I was here with Julian preparing dinner. I used to call her around this time on Sunday afternoons and talk about what I was making for dinner and what she was making. Sometimes, I’d ask her for advice on a recipe or she’d ask me to send her the recipe I was making. Then she’d ask about everyone in the family and how they were doing and we’d laugh about something or other that happened over the week. Nothing real eventful…we’d just talk. Sometimes for only a few minutes. Sometimes we’d talk as long as an hour. I miss that. I miss her. I don’t even like to talk on the phone really…but I liked talking to her. She was the one person I could call and I know she’d be happy to talk to me. (sigh)
well, this happens to be the most random post I’ve made in a while, so I’m going to take that as a hint that I need some sleep. I hope I’m more interesting tmw. If not, hopefully my readers will get out and enjoy some nice weather.
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