by Amy | Nov 17, 2011 | mama confessions
What is wrong with me? I’m such a zombie lately. I just got an email from a woman reminding me about a gig I have this Sunday cantoring for a Catholic mass. I have a rehearsal tomorrow, and I completely spaced it out. I’m so glad I’m not involved in any more things (at least that I know of) right now, or I’d probably be forgetting about those too. It’s so weird. I am past the newborn stage where you are given a free pass for being forgetful and too exhausted to do normal things like cooking, cleaning, showing up on time, etc… My baby is now 6 months old. I should be running a corporation by now and making my own bread, right? I’m only kidding, but that’s how it feels. Somehow, when your baby reaches an age where he or she is no longer a newborn and his poop goes from that mustard seed liquidy consistency to a more sturdy sweet potatoe puree consistency, there’s this pressure to get back out there and get moving with your life. I don’t know who puts that pressure on me, but it’s there. It’s a feeling very similar to getting over the flu. People are sympathetic while you have the flu and possibly even a couple of days after the flu has left your system, if you’re lucky. But then, it’s over. Put on your big girl panties and get it together, Lady! You’ve got things to do, places to go, people to see! Chop Chop!
This past week has been especially draining and has made me take a step back and realize how much pressure I put on myself to perform. Even though I quit pursuing performing as a singer years ago, and have since skimmed quite a bit out of my once hectic and busy schedule in order to raise my children and attempt being sane in the process, I still have this inner calling to pull it all together and reach far beyond my capacity and outdo myself and everyone else in a similar position. I don’t consciously think I’m doing that. In fact, I think most of our actions are subconscious unless we take a step back and answer some tough questions. It’s not that I don’t want to be my best. I want to be at my absolute best for my children, for myself, for my husband, for my family. They deserve the best. I deserve the best. But here’s the deal, there is a fine line between being my best and burning a candle at both ends.
Back in 2006, long before I was pregnant with my first child, my brain began doing some strange things and playing tricks on me. I was teaching over 40 students a week, singing with a church choir, singing with Conspirare (a local professional choral group here in Austin, TX) and accepting offers for gigs here and there to make ends meet and gain more experience. I knew I was tired, but I couldn’t slow down. I was like a magnet in a jar of paper clips. I just kept saying “yes” to every possibility out there, because GOD FORBID you say “no” to a music opportunity and not get asked to sing again. Even worse would be turning down a potential new student — especially after having to work so hard to build up my studio. Somewhere down the road, however, I started to unravel. I would be sitting at a stop light and even though it was still red, my brain would say that it turned green and I would start to drive out in the middle of the intersection as cars coming toward me would honk and slam on their brakes. I knew something was wrong. I knew I had to get help.
Shortly thereafter, I sought therapy with a provider through my husband’s work. I got 8 free visits, and I began talking to a counselor every week for an hour. Throughout the course of our time together, I discovered that I was taking on too much. I was working my butt off, but I couldn’t breathe. My body was shutting down. Worse yet, my brain was shutting down. I was given the diagnosis of Adult ADD. She pressed for me to get on some form of prescription medication, which I did for a while. It helped for a time, but the inner problems I was dealing with did not go away. I was still striving for the ungettable get. I was still trying to overachieve and outdo.
Later that year, I started graduate school at the University of Texas in San Antonio. This forced me to take a step back from a lot of my singing gigs back here in Austin and cut my studio in more than a half. Three times a week, I would drive down to San Antonio, TX from my home in North Austin, spend the day down there attending classes, studying at the library, practicing in the practice rooms and then turn around and race back home in order to teach a few students in the evening. I did this for nearly two years! But it wasn’t until I got pregnant upon my last semester while writing my master’s thesis and preparing for my recital that I realized how much I was pushing myself. I had a miscarriage within 8 weeks of finding out I was pregnant in January 2008. As if that weren’t bad enough, I lost my voice completely and still had a graduate recital to perform. At that point, everything had to be weighed and prioritized. Things that were unimportant quickly went by the wayside. I started doing acupuncture and drinking herbs and finally regained my voice and sang beautifully in my graduate recital. Looking back, I can’t even believe I managed to pull it off. It was truly a miracle! Not even 6 weeks after my recital, we traveled to Vienna, Austria to see my husband’s family before I was to begin my next gig with Conspirare. While there, I found out I was pregnant again! We were so happy, but yet, there was still much to accomplish before obtaining my graduate degree. So, once again, I found myself rushing and fretting and scurrying to get things done. When we returned from Vienna, I was beyond sick. I could hardly stand. For the first time ever, I called in sick for a gig. Fortunately, I was let off the hook and did not complete my contract based on the fact that I was worried that I would have another miscarriage. I caught a little bit of flack from some of the other singers, but I knew I had to do this for me and for my child. I’m so glad I did!
Wow! How did I go all the way down that road? I didn’t mean to divulge so much. Sorry!
Early last year, a girlfriend of mine shared with me some information about a local author and life coach she worked with. I ended up attending one of her workshops on being an “empowered entrepreneur” and bought her book entitled, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. Man, did I EVER need that book! When I opened up the book and started reading the first few pages, I remember feeling this sense of inner peace and self love that I hadn’t felt in a long time — if ever. I had always been so hard on myself and was constantly looking for a new challenge, that I wasn’t able to stop and just let myself BE. What struck me the most is that I could get away with this self-loathing behavior as a single person or a married non-Mom, but I absolutely couldn’t let myself get away with it as a Mommy of a growing baby boy!
I’m still processing all of this and need to read and reread that book as I continue to steer my way through this journey into self care and self love, but I will say that I’m making some valid attempts. This A New Way of Being telecourse taught by the same person is causing me to stop and think, yet again, about who I am in all of this and what am I doing here? The last class is tomorrow, and I’m so looking forward to tuning in — even though I wasn’t able to really be present in last week’s course because of all that was going on back home with my Dad. I really want to inhale tomorrow’s course and let it sink in. I would really love to just let myself be transformed by this whole idea of skimming off all the excess weight — whether it be my own thoughts, my perception of my own responsibilities, things I have committed to (or overcommitted to) and how I look at myself. I shared with the telecourse group a couple of weeks ago that I needed to let go of ridiculous expectations in order to achieve a new way of being. However, that posed a problem because deep down I actually like being a perfectionist and going above and beyond — even if it nearly kills me. That’s a tough habit to break.
Now for some audience participation: What things do you do that sabotage your efforts to slow down and enjoy your life? What thoughts do you have that reinforce old patterns and keep you from a new and better way of being? Are you a perfectionist? Are you always striving for the next challenge? Are you quickly bored when you are faced with a day with nothing going on other than being home and spending time alone or with your kids? Do you find yourself trying to fill up your calendar but then being overwhelmed by all the obligations? What’s keeping you from creating space and time for yourself or quiet time for your family in your calendar? Are you gentle with yourself or are you always beating yourself up and feeling like a failure for one reason or another?
Today I’m grateful for:
- having an outlet for my rambling
- being authentic — even if it’s not always pretty, nice or fun to be around, I am who I am and I like that about me.
- the fact that I’m learning to let things go a bit more. (Example: I am in bed writing this and the house outside of my room is a disaster)
- cooler weather is coming
- the boys are in bed
- I managed to make a meal tonight.
- even though I don’t see it, I’m getting things done. Little by little. Day by day.
- the fact that I’m growing more and more tolerant of unshaved legs
- the fact that I’ve read so many self-help books in the world, that I can easily recall passages that help me on command.
- the fact that I’m going to bed. RIGHT NOW!
by Amy | Nov 16, 2011 | mama confessions
I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I just don’t want to deal with the holidays this year. Ever since I can remember, Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite time of the year. I love the cool, fall breeze, football games, pumpkin patches, fall scents and the anticipation of a day spent with the ones you love giving thanks. For years, Thanksgiving was always at my Grandma’s house. All of us would pile in her tiny living room and watch football and we’d pile in the kitchen to pile up our plates with turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and toss it back with some sweet tea. Thanksgiving was never right without my Grandma’s homemade rolls and corn fritters. Man they were good! I can smell them now and taste them like it was yesterday. For dessert, we would usually have a wide array of pies that everyone baked and lined up on the buffet. We’d have several varieties of pumpkin pie, pecan pie and my Grandma would always add in something like blackberry cobbler or apple pie or sometimes even gooseberry pie (my personal favorite). My Mom’s side of the family’s last name is Pilgrim, so there were at least two occasions where we were selected to participate in news interviews or for write ups in the newspaper. One year, we made a whole column and our picture was on the front page — simply because of the Pilgrim name.
Over the years, Thanksgiving has become less festive as all of us have grown and moved on. My Grandma stopped hosting the holiday at her house because our clan was growing too much and her house kept getting smaller and smaller. It was also hard on her to have that much responsibility and so many people over at once, so we started having it at our house. My Mom always did the turkey and stuffing and I have always made a few signature dishes of my own to contribute. My Grandma would still bring her rolls and fritters and over the years, we’d all try to duplicate one of her signature dishes, but we could never quite get it right. Once I moved to Europe, Thanksgiving became a thing of the past. I always came home for Christmas and Thanksgiving was too close, so I never made it back for that. Many times, I would celebrate with my American friends in Vienna, which was always nice. We’d do a potluck and everyone would bring their specialty. Since my friends were all from different backgrounds, we had a huge variety of different types of food. A lot of times, the grocery wouldn’t carry certain things that would lend to a specific recipe, so we’d have to improvise and do our best to make it work. And I believe I spent a couple of years working over Thanksgiving and sharing the celebration with colleagues. It was still special, but not like the Thanksgivings I grew up with. Since I have lived back in the States, I have been home once or twice for Thanksgiving, but we quit doing it when we realized we’d just have to get back in the car and turn around 4 weeks later if we wanted to come home for Christmas too. Since we stopped going home for Thanksgiving, we’ve had a couple of Thanksgivings where my parents have been able to make it down here. That was always special because I could show off my turkey making skills and my Mom could relax for a change. I even made Thanksgiving dinner 2 weeks after my oldest son was born — which was interesting and exhausting! But typically, Thanksgiving has just been us — our little family — here at home in Austin without visitors or further plans other than attempting to eat a 4-5 lb. turkey on our own with lots of leftovers for days on end until everything is gone.
This year, we had everything arranged. My parents were going to come down the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then we’d get up on Wednesday and head to San Antonio where we were all booked to stay in a hotel on the Riverwalk overnight. Then, we’d leisurely head back to Austin and I’d prepare our Thanksgiving meal. I was so excited! We wouldn’t be alone for Thanksgiving and for once, we’d have something fun planned ahead of time. How often does that happen?!
Then I got the text last week about my Dad. My Dad had a TIA or mini stroke, and was in the hospital for several days while they stabilized his blood pressure and ran tests to assess the situation and acquire more accurate information about his condition. He will now have to undergo a very serious surgery on his carotid arteries within the next few weeks due to 50-70% blockage and take it easy.
Quite honestly, I’m not upset about my Dad’s condition. Yes, I’m worried about his health. Yes, I’m sad they aren’t coming after all, and we will be spending Thanksgiving with just our little family. I’m anxious about the surgery and pray that it goes well. I wish it were tomorrow rather than 3 weeks from now. I think what gets me the most is that I’m so far removed from the situation. My sisters can go over and check on him on a daily basis, but I’d have to get a plane ticket and alter my life in a major way to go there and no matter how much I wanted to be there last week when he was in the hospital, I couldn’t do it. We were just there for my Grandma’s funeral…then only 4 weeks before that for my Dad’s birthday. Going again already would be too much. But I wanted to. And being here really did a number on me as I awaited information from family members who don’t like to use the phone or email.
This is in no way a sympathy plea, but I’m just sad. I’m sad that my Grandma is gone and it’s the end of her era. I’m sad by the realization that life is going by and my parents are aging. The “good ol’ days” are over. I’m happy that I get to create new memories and traditions with my own little family and I’m so grateful for that. But, right now, at this very moment, I’m feeling nostalgic and sad. I never meant to leave home for good. I just wanted a new change of scenery for a while. But, here I am…10 years away from home and the prospect of being able to return just doesn’t seem very probable. It’s not to say that I don’t like Austin. I do. I also love my friends here and the life we’ve created. It’s funny…I don’t think I would have missed it had we left even 3 years ago, but I’d miss it now. I’d be leaving a lot behind. But, to not have to go through all the emotions I’m going through right now, I’d do it in a heart beat. I hate being out of the loop. I hate not being closer and able to pop in and help out when I’m needed.
I don’t know that I sound very grateful tonight, but I am. Here are a few things I’m grateful for:
- My comfy bed.
- The boys went to bed by 6:45pm tonight.
- I received this wonderful almond exfoliator from L’Occitane from my Aunt Babbie and used it this morning. It was heavenly!
- Today was a really sweet day with my boys. We didn’t go anywhere, but were able to just hang out and enjoy each other’s company.
- It rained today
- My Dad is home and in good spirits
- Tate had a great birthday on Monday
- I was really on top of his party this year — even though I wasn’t really in the mood to throw one.
- falling asleep as I type this…hopefully I can finish this list tomorrow (or make a new one)
- going to bed now…good night!
by Amy | Nov 14, 2011 | mama confessions
There’s a beloved children’s book series by Jane Yolen called, “How Do Dinosaurs…?” Each book discusses a different aspect of learning appropriate behaviors for things like bedtime, eating food, playing with friends and so on.
What if a dinosaur’s friends come to play?
Does he mope, does he pout if he can’t get his way?
Does he hide all his dump trucks, refusing to share?
Does he throw his friends’ coloring books up in the air?
Right now, I feel like I could use a book about how dinosaurs deal with stress. It might go something like this:
What if a dinosaur has a sick Dad?
Does she mope, does she cry, does she pretend she’s not sad?
Does she drink lots of wine and eat lots of food?
Does she yell at her kids ‘cuz she’s in a bad mood?
I’m finding this phase of my life to be a really tough one for me. Simply for the fact that I’m heavily relied upon and not able to adequately process things going on outside of my current little hemisphere. For the past few weeks since my Grandma died, I’ve found myself having to cry at night while the kids are asleep or during those short moments when I run to the bathroom and get a minute to myself. I don’t want to scare them by my grief. I don’t want my sadness to affect them. I know they will eventually need to learn what grieving is, but not now. Now isn’t the time to fill them in on the inevitable pain that comes from losing a loved one.
After finding out that my Dad had a stroke last week and will now have to have surgery within the next few days, I am once again faced with the reality of losing a loved one. I pray that everything works out, and he has a successful surgery and is restored to health. God, I do. But, the truth of the matter is, his condition is serious and the procedure that he is going to have done is risky and life threatening. My Dad and I are close. He’s close to all of us. He’s that kind of Dad. We haven’t always had a perfect relationship. We’ve had our ups and downs. But, he has been there for me over and over again throughout my life and I love him so much. I can’t imagine life without him. He’s only 60 years old. That’s too young to be faced with something this serious. He’s too young for his life to be over. We need him here longer. I need him to be around to watch my children grow. I need about 2500 more conversations with him before I will feel I’ve had enough. Maybe even more than that. I need him to mumble over the phone and tell jokes that only he thinks are funny. I need him to tell me stories he’s already told me about over a thousand times…yet another time. I need him to supply me with wayyyy too much Laura Little’s fudge from back home and cut out articles that he thinks I’d be interested in and send them to me in the mail. I need him to tell me every detail about every make and model of every car ever made and make sure I know the small differences in the body style of every year of VW Beetle ever made.
I’m scared. Maybe this crisis is riding a little too close on the tail of the previous crisis and skewing my reality. Maybe my geographical distance from the situation is making it seem more dramatic than it actually is. I don’t see anyone else in my family putting the breaks on their own lives over this. They are still updating their statuses on Facebook and going to the grocery store. They are still going to work and taking care of their kids. So, why is it that I feel like I can’t move? I feel paralyzed by the possibility of losing my father. I feel like I am incapable of doing my day to day things.
Last night I sucked it up. Despite my paralysis and disdain for hosting a party which would include lots of sugared up toddlers running through my house and having to be social, I stayed up til 1am and decorated a cake for my son’s birthday party. I got everything ready while the kids were sleeping and woke up this morning and was, for the first time ever, completely on top of the occasion. I was ready when guests arrived. I was present. I was in the moment. I was not hurried or frazzled or scattered. I was prepared. I was calm. I was collected. I was alive. He had a wonderful birthday. We had wonderful guests and wonderful children in our home. He loved his cake. He loved his presents. Life was good. Today.
Tonight, after all has been baked, decorated, eaten, wrapped, unwrapped, put up, taken down, set up, thrown away. After the house has been filled with anticipation and filled with loud, happy children who are filled with sugar. Tonight, after babies are nursed to sleep and toddlers are put to bed, the house is quiet. I can now grieve. I can now cry. I can now ask, “Why?!” I can now stand in my kitchen in my pajamas and eat more cake. I can now write to my soul’s content. I can now worry. I can now pray. I can now plan tomorrow and gather the strength to make it through another week. I can now pluck my upper lip and eye brows for 30 minutes in the mirror while thinking and processing and analyzing the entire day’s events. Because tomorrow I will have to put on a smile and wish my child a happy birthday and live our lives as if everything is wonderful in the world. I will need the strength for that. I will need clarity and peace of mind. I will need to be strong for my kids and give them my best. I can’t fall apart.
Tonight, I am grateful for:
- Precious moments with the ones we love. We don’t know when the last precious moment we will have is.
- My sweet Dad. I pray he will be with us for many years to come.
- Precious children who don’t stay children for long. Damn the system!
- A house full of toys that make noise and clutter and dirty carpet.
- Snot and spit up stained couches.
- Friends who stand in the gap when family is far away and come to your son’s birthday party.
- Husbands who tolerate mood swings and hug us when we are down.
- my Mom’s cake decorating skills. I guess I learned something along the way.
- my metabolism. It’s slowing down, but apparently it’s still good if I can eat all this cake and cookies.
- having a fitness center nearby. Need to use that facility soon.
by Amy | Nov 10, 2011 | mama confessions
It’s strange. I started out wanting to make this blog about the joys and trials of motherhood, how it has changed me, tips I’ve learned along the way, funny happenings in my little microcosm and basically, all things Mommy. Since I started writing, however, this blog has taken some strange twists and turns as life is happening while I’m busy being a Mommy. My Grandma died the day after I started writing, which had a huge affect on me and while I haven’t spent every day in the depths of depression, I have really taken a hit by her passing. Then, just as I started to scrape myself off the dirty sidewalk and get my groove back, I am hit, yet again, with the news that my Dad is in the hospital after having what they think was a TIA or mini-stroke over the past couple of days. As I type this, I’m sitting in my baby’s room while he plays in his crib and my other son sleeps in the living room. All the lights are off in the house even as the sun sets early on this mid-November afternoon. I can’t be bothered to turn any lights on or put mascara on or do anything productive, for that matter. My head is literally spinning. He’s currently undergoing MRIs and angiograms and whatever other tests they need to take to determine what to do next. Funny thing is, there’s nothing I can do. There’s no one I can call or confide in who would make me feel better. I’m 700 miles away from the scene, and I’m helpless and alone. Well, not alone. But, I’m alone in my head. I haven’t felt this desperate since I was living in Vienna, Austria in early June of 2002 and found out that my close friend Chuck had killed himself, that my Dad had prostate cancer and my Grandma was going into emergency surgery for a quintuple bypass surgery all within the same week! I was in the middle of a production with Theater an der Wien and by contract, I could not leave. I was stuck. I swore then I would never be in that predicament again — not able to be there for family members or friends who are struggling and/or sick. Now, here I am, with two little kids who need me while my very young Dad (just turned 60) is going through some pretty serious stuff back home. I’m not able to fly there or drive there, and even if I were, the only thing I could do is sit and wait — just like my Mom and sisters are doing. But, I don’t even have that option right now, and it’s killing me!
Like I said, I had no intention of my blog posts being this serious in nature, but what I’m coming to realize through writing is that life is a series of events that take place while you’re trying to figure out stuff like your baby’s sleep patterns, why he’s constipated and what you should feed him. Life is happening while we’re planning birthday parties for our soon-to-be 3 year old. Life is happening while we are pondering about the future purchase of a bigger car or while we’re mad that we accidentally bought rotten tomaters at the grocery store. Life is happening while we’re mad at our spouses for this or that, and we’re not happy with the wrinkles showing up on our faces. It’s funny how trivial and small we sometimes let our lives become. We get so caught up in the day to day B.S. of the guy cutting us off in traffic or our paint chipping off of our walls, we forget what really matters most–the health and happiness of our family.
I am Guilty Party Numero Uno when it comes to obsessing about the small things in life. I’d like to think I’m above it, but I’m not. Three days ago (before all of this happened with my Dad), I was lamenting over not getting enough sleep, wondering what I should make every night this week for dinner and attempting to plan for my son’s birthday party. Now, I’m barely able to move. I am paralyzed by the fear that my Dad could have something really seriously wrong with him. That he could die on the operating table if they have to open him up and unblock his artery leading to his brain. That he may never get the usage of his left hand back. That he may not be able to work and provide for my mother and him anymore (since he’s far from being able to retire and works for himself). My rational, spiritual self is saying, “It’ll all be OK, Amy.” But the human part of me that knows how these things can play out is starting to lose it. What if? What if it doesn’t all work out? I’m really scared. And what’s worse, I’m really scared and I have a little boy counting on me to pull through for his birthday. I am really scared, and I have another little guy who is counting on me to feed him, to giggle with him and tickle him and change his diapers and figure out why in the heck he’s not pooping. No more holing up and digesting this kind of information. No more taking time to process the weight of aging parents and sudden conditions and ailments that cause most of us to stop and ponder life. There’s no time for that. I’m a Mommy who is grieving the loss of her Grandma and scared shitless about the serious health condition of my father. Who can take all that on and still smile?
While it is hard for me, today, to do anything — let alone write a gratitude list, here goes:
- My Dad is alive and they caught whatever he has in time that it has not done a lot of permanent damage (that they know of) yet.
- My little family is healthy.
- I am strong.
- I am healthy.
- I am a Mommy.
- My baby is about to turn 3 years old!
- I have enough treats in our “Potty Jar” to keep my son pottying on the big boy potty for quite a while.
- Michael’s honored my 50% off coupon through my phone today when I bought a cake pan.
- My home feels serene and quiet right now.
- Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight.
- So is Private Practice.
- I’m not cooking tonight.
- All of my birthday schtuff is bought and ready to go.
- I have at least one glass of wine left in that bottle in the fridge.
by Amy | Nov 8, 2011 | mama confessions
I don’t know if it’s the fact that every time I get an extra ounce of energy to do something, I’m quickly brought back to reality by the fact that one or both of my kids needs me for something STAT. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m constantly lacking energy and feeling more sleep deprived than ever. Whatever it is, I have absolutely NO motivation or inspiration to do anything. I give up. I surrender all. I’m done.
This morning and all day yesterday, I kept asking myself, “What is WRONG with me?!” I hate hate hate feeling this way. I don’t like to complain. I don’t like to be stagnant and blah. I don’t like feeling like I have no control over my life and what happens or doesn’t happen over the course of a day. But, somehow, here I am. What’s funny is that I don’t really have anything super pressing to do. I just miss that feeling of waking up and being able to accomplish something trivial without having to use ALL the energy I have to fight through and make something happen against all odds. When I speak of accomplishing something, I must make myself clear: I’m not forging through a complex business plan — or any business plan for that matter. I’m not even attempting to clean my house or make a meal. I am merely attempting to make a couple of necessary telephone calls or get on my computer for more than 5 seconds to check emails and get some necessary things in order for the week and weekend coming up. How hard is that? Why does it feel monumental?
I love my boys. I love my life. I’m so grateful for all that I have. Why then…oh WHYYYY do I have these moments where I just feel helpless and depressed about my current state? I don’t even think it’s the day to day stuff — although that does have a tendency to create a sense of ambiguity for even the strongest of women who are mothers and/or stay-at-home mothers. I don’t mind the dirty diapers or the endless pile of toys or the spit-up stained and stretched out shirts that were once “cute”. The reality is, I don’t have any complaints about being a Mommy. It’s so gratifying for me and, while exhausting, the most fun I’ve ever had. So why does this dark cloud loom overhead?
We just had a wonderful weekend spending time with my Aunt and Uncle from Denver and doing all kinds of fun stuff in Austin. They were amazed at how versatile my kids were. We took them everywhere and were gone all day and yet, at the end of a very long day, they were still smiling. How fortunate are we? I’m so glad I’m not stuck at home with two grumpy kids who can’t be flexible when we do something out of the ordinary. I can virtually take them anywhere and it works. So, why am I complaining?
Well, I think what’s getting me down the most right now is my inability to take my inspiration and run with it like I used to. I am a creative person by nature. I don’t just like being creative. I thrive on being creative. Whether creativity should strike by working on my voice and widdling my way through an interpretation of a song in a foreign language, or picking out a new paint color for a room in my house, or writing in my journal or letting my wheels turn on possibilities with my current business or businesses that have yet to be created — I love to create! When I don’t get to create, I get grouchy. I get complacent. I get stagnant. I get bored. I truly think this is why I didn’t have kids sooner in my life. I mean, I guess I also needed a husband, too, right? But, I really resisted having kids because of this very issue.
Everything about having kids goes against my nature. I’m not highly social. Having kids makes you highly social — like it or not. If you don’t feel like talking or being around people, guess what? With kids you will be around people ALL day long and either have to talk a lot yourself or listen to someone else talk (or babble)! If you aren’t at home with your kids alone, you are being social by being out on playdates or birthday parties, the park, storytime at the library or some class for kids. Yay for being social! No more holing up and giving myself time and space to breathe before I go out in public! lol
So, I guess that’s it in a nutshell. I’m struggling with some fundamental personality conflicts with myself and where I am in my life. I never thought I’d say that with regards to being a Mommy. I used to frown upon hearing that friends of mine were dissatisfied when they had beautiful children and a husband — the perfect life! But, I think with every phase of life comes a bit of inner dialogue and conflict. This is not for wimps. I love it and thank God every day that he blessed me with two beautiful children, but I also mourn the loss of myself. That sounds so cliche, right? I hated that phrase as well. How do you lose yourself? You just get redefined, right? Well, redefining who you are is not always so simple. One can only relinquish so much of herself: her time, her energy, her choice of radio stations, her choice of how many hours of sleep she gets, her choice of how spicy she makes dinner, her choice of where she spends her day, her choice of what television shows she watches — if any at all, her choice of how much time she gets to spend doing things she likes to do, before she starts feeling a little desperate.
I am not a victim, though. I have never liked people who make themselves out to be victims or martyrs. And I never thought they made good Mommies. We all have our own cross to bear. We all make choices. I made mine and I’m so glad I did. But, I really don’t see any other way of doing things for a while, and that’s hard to swallow sometimes. Sure, I can go out with girlfriends on occasion or plan a date night with my husband. Sure, I can carve out time for myself throughout the week or start planning ahead for creative ventures that make me feel alive again. I know all that stuff. And sure, the occasional outings or time and space do help. But the reality is, I need to find a way to accept this change in my life and be content. No amount of sleep or time to myself is going to change the reality — I have two young children who need me…constantly. I honestly don’t feel like I need a vacation from that to make me feel better. I need to accept it, find a way to be creative and remain who I was born to be AND be a great Mommy. The question is how? There is no silence in my day where I’m awake enough to breathe deeply and meditate. There is no unpaid help that could potentially relieve me a couple hours a week for some ME time. There’s no Grandma standing by to babysit my kids so I can have a date night with my husband. So, somehow, I need to accept that, right now, for this short phase in my life, I am going to not have the time or energy to be creative. I am not going to be able to do those things that personally fulfil ME — at least not on a regular basis. And with this reality in mind, how will I proceed? Hmmm…interesting stuff to think about.
So, here’s my gratitude list for today:
- my two boys who are so little and sweet right now. This phase of their lives won’t last long, so I can embrace it and love it!
- my colorful life full of inspiration that I will one day be able to act upon
- my extended family — aunts, uncles, cousins — who add richness and fulfilment to our lives
- it’s raining outside
- my son is getting ready to turn 3. My life has changed so much since he was born and FOR THE BETTER! Without him, life would be so dull (and quiet).
- my cozy house that is dark and lit with candles right now
- my 6 students who are coming today for lessons.
- having a good hair day
- all these magazines that I will one day be able to sit and look at and get inspiration from
- great friends to share fun experiences with
by Amy | Nov 6, 2011 | mama confessions
Today, my Aunt and Uncle flew back to Denver after their very short whirlwind weekend visit here in Austin. Their trip was much anticipated, and we had such a great time with them, but I’m somehow left to feel so sad and empty for not just them but all of our out of town family. Fall and winter bring a solemn spirit of longing for family closeness to me. I can’t quite explain it. I just want to be closer to family and see the people I love more often. This Aunt and Uncle never lived close to us geographically. From the time I can remember, they always lived out of town and far away from where our family lived. In your mind, you hope that distance won’t create an obstacle, but it somehow always does — especially with limited resources and time to travel. We never saw them. We spoke with them only on special occasions. When we did see them, it was usually a drive by visit from them or a very short whirlwind visit for us. This weekend makes me wonder how different things might have been had we lived closer and seen each other more often. It was so sweet to get to know them and yet, so sad to think of what could have been if only we had spent more time with them growing up.
Experiencing my Grandmother’s death over the past month has made me realize even more how precious time with your loved ones is. Every second of the day, we are making memories — whether pleasant or not so pleasant. Many of us get so caught up in the busy-ness of our lives, that we fail to realize how quickly time is actually going by. We have now lived in Austin, TX for over seven years. How’s that possible? I moved away from my hometown to go and explore Europe in 2001, and here it is, almost 2012! I’m floored by this.
Anyway, I hate to be Debbie Downer in this post, but I feel very sad right now regarding where we currently are in our lives: Living far away from all of our family on both sides with two little kids and very limited resources to get up and go spend time with our families when we want to. Something has to change soon. But will it?
OK. Here’s my gratitude list (long overdue):
I’m grateful for:
- Great weekends like this one with wonderful family coming to visit us. What a fun time we had!!
- The fact that my parents are coming to visit in 2 weeks for Thanksgiving!
- Friendships here in Austin that are like family in many ways and help to fill that gap and make living far away from family a little easier.
- My precious immediate family — my husband and my boys — for they are my reason for living.
- Cloudy, rainy days that allow us to rest and forget about the world.
- All this food I bought that we haven’t eaten in my fridge.
- Not having to cook dinner tonight.
- The prospect of eventually moving back home to be closer to my family.
- Skype
- In preparation for our guests, I was able to get all of my recent pictures printed and hung up on the walls. THIS IS PROGRESS!
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