Partied Out

by Amy | Oct 29, 2011 | mama confessions

It’s funny.  Over the past few years since we moved to Austin, we would have killed to have been invited to a Halloween party…or any party for that matter.  Now that my son is almost 3 years old, and we have gotten to know quite a few people through various activities like playgroups, library and church, we have so  many invitations to parties that I can’t keep track of them all.  Just this past week, we have gone to a Halloween party with our play group and at the library and we are going to one this evening.  This week alone, we have received not one, not two, but THREE birthday party invitations for kids coming up in the next couple of weeks.  Mind you, my son’s birthday is in two weeks, and I have yet to send out his invitations.  It has been fun, don’t get me wrong.  And I appreciate all the invitations…I do!  But, I’m just a little partied out at the moment.  It doesn’t seem like we’ve been home just existing over the weekend for quite a while, and now I realize why so many people say how overwhelmed they are during the holidays.  Maybe, with all the isolation we’ve faced since moving here in 2004, we’ve become a bit too reclusive.   I know I have that tendency.  I love being around people, but I definitely get my energy from being by myself doing stuff like blogging, cleaning out closets, looking through pictures, reading and doing quiet, non-social things.  I mentioned that I’m like my Grandma in her eulogy.  She was a homebody who dreaded and could come up with every excuse in the book why she didn’t think she could make it to some event or activity–even if it was something she enjoyed.  But, once you got her out of the house, she was the life of the party.  She was one of the funniest, wittiest people I knew.  Yet, you would have never known that she contemplated not coming at least 10 times before she arrived at the party.  She always seemed so READY TO PARTY!  It was an act.  That’s me.

So today, I relish in the fact that we are just home — at least for the morning and afternoon.  While errands and things that need to be done don’t escape me, I’m still enjoying this very moment sitting on my couch with a warm blanket and a cup of coffee.  The smell of my husband’s waffles are in the air.  The pitter patter of little feet.  The grunts and yawns and coos of a tiny human.  The squeals of a toddler.  (OK, that last one was a lie.  I do not enjoy his squeals at the moment.) And dammit, come hell or high water, I will not be uptight and grouchy and stir crazy because the house is a mess or because I cannot get a darn thing done — even though my husband is home.  We have relatives, my Uncle Dave and Aunt Babbie, coming in town next weekend, so I have a laundry list of things that I want to have done before they get here — the house cleaned, the laundry done, blah blah blah…but that will not thwart my plan to be easy going and have fun this weekend.  It will all get done.  It will all get done.

So, I missed my gratitude list from yesterday.  I was very tired from the night before with kids not sleeping well and me not sleeping well.  I went to bed with my baby at 8:15pm last night despite my desire to watch the last game of the world series and fell asleep after trying to get him down for nearly 2 hours.  I thought of getting up at some point throughout the restless, sleepless night I had last night, but why??  Will this sleeplessness EVER end, btw? (sigh)  I hope so!  Or I might lose my everloving MIND!

OK, so here goes:

I’m grateful for:

1. Moments (although very short moments) of solitude
2. Parties to attend (but not so many)
3. Cooler weather (with the heater on)
4. Warm blankets (that are clean and free of spit up or snot)
5. My little cuddly fam (when they aren’t screaming)
6. The Cardinals won the world series (OK, I’m stretching here because I could really care less)
7. Bath & Body Works products that currently work to help my place smell cleaner than it actually is (because it is emphatically not clean)
8. My new Cuisinart food processor that I can’t wait to get my hands on (but never have time to actually use)
9. My son’s potty training success this week. (despite my inconsistency and lack of expertise on how to deal with a rather stubborn toddler)
10. Silence.  Whenever I am lucky enough to get it.  Which isn’t often.  Especially not right now as my son is jumping on his art table.  (gosh, he can be so annoying)  OK.  Sorry.  That was so ungrateful of me.  And he just pooped in his pull ups.  Geez!!!  QUIT SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much to consider

by Amy | Oct 27, 2011 | mama confessions

My head is literally spinning right now.  I had a fabulous morning with my babies.  I got up, got the boys fed and all of us dressed and immediately got in the car to go to the mall.  Why?  Because I needed to get out of the house and there were a couple of sales I’ve been wanting to check out.  We got home later than I had planned at around 12:15pm and the telecourse had already started, but I quickly joined in while getting lunch prepared for my little guy and nursing my other little guy.  It wasn’t exactly the quiet hour I had hoped for in terms of getting to really process what was said or let it sink in like I wanted it to, but I came away with some really great nuggets of wisdom to chew on this week (I keep using that word “chew” because I guess all I can think about is eating).

First of all, the question was asked, “What do I need to release to better align myself with a new way of being?  Next was “What do I need to embrace…?” and the third statement she asked us to complete was “Life is…”  Throughout this course, she asks class members to stay open to all possibilities and all things that are revealed and not be quick to judge or reject thoughts or ideas that come to the forefront.  Even though I was knee-deep in microwaving some pasta from last night’s dinner for my son and making goo goo eyes at my baby over the kitchen counter, my thoughts went to the one thing that I am fighting to release:  I need to release my ridiculous expectations for myself!  Why do I get so caught up in this need to have my house perfectly cleaned, the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away, the dinner made, the pantry stocked, the refrigerator full, the drawers organized, etc…etc…???  I know, like anything, my addiction to this is as serious as someone else’s addiction to cigarettes.  I absolutely love the idea of being super mom and able to pull it all together. But at what cost?  Are my kids happier because the house is clean?  Does anyone else but me notice when the laundry is piling up and clothes need to be put away?  Why then, is this some black cloud that looms over my head until it’s done?  The sick part about it is, it’s NEVER done!  So, in essence, that sense of accomplishment I hope to one day feel will never be felt — at least not while I live with children and dogs!

As far as the question about embracing…I really can’t answer that clearly.  I would suppose that I would love to embrace living my life for once and not worrying about the fact that I have cobwebs under my kitchen cabinets and tiny ants marching across my kitchen counters looking for sweet, sticky goo (which is plentiful at the moment).  I would love to embrace the day I’m in rather than worrying about the day that lies ahead or the work that needs to be done (in order for me to feel a sense of accomplishment).

When I thought about the statement, “Life is…,” my answer was, “Life is too short to be a perfectionist.”  Man, I needed my inner voice to shout that out loudly from the mountain tops!  I am and have always been SUCH a perfectionist to the point that I can’t complete (or sometimes even start) a project for fear that it might not be perfect.  I have let that go throughout the years in many facets of my life, but the need to do things perfectly has paralyzed me more than once and I’m SICK OF IT!  Disclaimer:  My need to be perfect or have things done perfectly rarely lines up with any notion that I am perfect or do anything perfectly.  It’s merely a ridiculous standard I have set for myself and judged myself against.

In addition to these questions/statements to ponder, she said a few things that really hit home:

“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”  That is SO for me!  I have that disease in abundance.  I can cook well, so I should every night of the week.  It used to be, “I can sing loudly, so I should” or “I can sing high notes well, so I should sing them all the time” or “I have enough time in my schedule to take on 40 students a week, so I should.”  Then I feel guilty when things don’t work out…simply because I could, but I shouldn’t have.

The other quote I loved from today’s telecourse was,”I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I intended to sing remains unsung.”  OUCH!!!!!!!  My first thought was the SNL skit from the 80’s called “The Anal Retentive Chef”.  He spent the entire segment cleaning up the kitchen, sharpening his blades, putting things in this or that baggy to throw away, but he never got around to cooking anything.  This would be ME on any given day.  I find myself walking in circles saying to myself, “I need to get this or that done…before I can do this or that.”  Huh?  Does anyone relate to me on this one?  Or am I really crazy?  We either spend our days making sure everything is perfect or we actually live and enjoy our lives.  This is so poignant for me because I used to have time to make sure things were perfect.  Now I don’t even have time to make sure things are mediocre.

So, on that note, I have spent this afternoon breathing…letting go of the fact that there are leaves all over the floor and every time I step on my kitchen floor my toes stick to something.  The ants are having a huge party on my kitchen counter.  Go for it!  My child is asleep sitting up on the couch because I know he is tired and needs to sleep a little, but I don’t have the energy to pick him up and put him in his bed or bean bag chair for a nap. Leftovers and probably chicken nuggets with ranch dip will be served for dinner tonight and my laundry will go another day without getting done.  The package I prepared to send my MIL for Halloween will go another day without being sent and the package I planned to send my girlfriend Jenn for her birthday (in February) will go another week or month or maybe til Christmas. (sorry Jenn!)

What I keep asking myself is, “What is causing this stirring in you, Amy?”  Why now?  Well, my Grandma just died and I thought I’d have many more days to call her up on the phone, so I didn’t call her when I should have.  I probably had a sparkling clean kitchen on one of the days that I could have had a great conversation with her.  My uncles are being total jerks and causing a family dispute over my Grandma’s estate, and my Mom’s family is complete upheaval over this ordeal. My friend Anna lost her Dad this past year to cancer.  My friend Dan lost his Dad this past year to cancer.  My friend Sarah lost her father two years ago.  A young mother friend of a friend passed away with leukemia over a month ago and left a one year old baby boy and a loving husband behind.  A former student’s Mom who is also a friend wrote me an email  today after I haven’t heard from her in months and told me that her husband returned from Iraq and didn’t want to be married anymore.  Weeks later, she learned she has breast cancer.  She has two children to raise and her world has turned upside down.  My first boyfriend and close friend of the family killed himself in 2002.  My favorite Aunt died of skin cancer when I was in 4th grade.  My uncle died 3 years before that in a tragic car accident.  Every day, I hear about something horrible and tragic — whether I experience it myself or I know someone who is experiencing it.  Most of the time, these occurrences make me briefly stop and think, “Wow!  You never know what could happen in your life!  Be grateful for what you’ve got right now.”  But that never lasts.  Shortly thereafter, I always end up back at square one — obsessing over the little things that won’t matter at all in the big scheme of things.

So, I got caught up with kiddos at the end of this telecourse and only heard a bit of what the assignment was over the next week, but I’ll tell you what my assignment for myself is:

1. Love myself and give myself a break
2. Love my partner and give him a break
3. Love my kids and give them a break
4. Oh yes, and love my dog and give her a break
5. Notice the things/ideas/thoughts/aversions in my everyday life and begin to make a shift in my perspective. 
6. Start to create space with that shift in perspective and experience more freedom in my everyday life
7. Quit playing the victim when things don’t align themselves with my own unrealistic expectations by saying things like, “I wish these kids would just…” or “I haven’t had any time to do…” or “I’m fed up with…”  I am in charge of my own destiny.  I have control over how things are in my life.  I am not a victim of my circumstances, my lack of energy or my almost 3-year-old who doesn’t want to be potty trained or go to bed at a decent hour.
8. Go with the flow in my everyday life and seek peace over accomplishment
9. Figure out what things do need to be done and get a system down for doing them easily (ie-budget, meal planning, working out, singing, grocery shopping, etc…)
10. Embrace the life that is mine.  With all its flaws and imperfections and joys and craziness and love and untidy-ness and cobwebs and sticky floors — THIS IS YOUR LIFE, Amy!  Love it…or learn to!

Being At Peace

by Amy | Oct 27, 2011 | mama confessions

I didn’t make it online yesterday, and that’s OK…but, all morning it’s been causing me stress.  MY GRATITUDE LIST, among other things I planned on doing yesterday, didn’t get written.  But, you know what?  I had a great day!  I hung out with my boys in the morning outside and enjoyed the beautiful breeze.  I let myself have a break!  It was nice.  So, I’m grateful for that.  Then we went to our German playdate Halloween Party at Margit’s house, and we also had fun.  Dinner was a breeze.  The boys were easy.  We watched our favorite shows, The Middle and Modern Family.  We put the boys to bed.  We both fell asleep.  That’s why I didn’t get the gratitude list done.  I fell asleep putting the baby to bed.

BTW…disclaimer:  I have not had my freshly brewed abundance of coffee this morning, because my sweet husband didn’t make any, so my thoughts are ALL OVER THE PLACE!!  However, I’m taking advantage of the couple minutes I have and purposely not scrambling around doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen (because my sweet husband did it for me!!) or looking at status updates on FB, and I’m blogging instead.  Yes, my sweet son is plugged in front of Dinosaur Train so that I can do this, but it’s ok.  He’ll recover.

Today is the second segment of the telecourse I’m taking entitled, A New Way of Being, and I’m so excited.  The funny thing is…I’m not excited because I think it is teaching me anything new.  It is just reiterating what I already know, have already implemented and merely need practice doing:  The art of just being.  The art of living in the now.  The art of not taking on too much — whatever that may be for me right now in this stage of my life.  I need a refresher course from time to time.  It’s kinda like reading and rereading a favorite book.  It helps to hear something over and over.  That’s what this is about for me.

Right now, for me, my biggest challenge is proclaiming the words, “Good is good enough!”  For so long, that seemed like such a cop out.  How could good be good enough for my children?  Good has never been good enough in the performing arts.  Good has never been good enough in school.  And good is certainly never good enough when it comes to working out or being healthy or balancing my checkbook.  We want to strive for EXCELLENCE, right?  So, this whole idea of going easy on yourself and being gentle with yourself is something I have never really allowed myself to do.  I’m almost afraid of it.  Will it give me a free ticket to mediocre?  I don’t want to get in the habit of cutting corners in my life.  And I find myself circling back around to the question Renee Trudeau always asks.  Oops…forgot what that was.  NEED COFFEE!!!  OK…just now remembered:  She asks, “at what cost are you willing to live this life of peace?  to let go of former ways of doing things in order to create a new way of being?”  OK, I rephrased it a bit, but you get the picture.  At what cost?  That’s a hard one to answer.  If changing my ambitious ways means I’m happier and my kids/husband/family are happier, then I guess I’m willing to pay a pretty high price.  Or am I? hmmm…  Throughout last week’s telecourse, she asked the questions:  What does a new way of being look like to you?  What does a new way of being feel like for you?  I honestly can’t answer that.  I couldn’t then.  I can’t now.  I don’t know what or that I’m willing to change.  I like the idea of it.  I don’t know what I’m willing to let go of in order for this to happen.  I think I do in my heart, but I don’t know on paper.  Does that make sense?

OK…so, my son is climbing the furniture and looking at me like, “Come ONNNNN, MOM!”, so I better wrap up for now.  I will try to post later if I get a sec.

Here’s a shot at my gratitude list for today:

1. cool sunny mornings with my kiddos
2. Nutella
3. Freshly brewed coffee
4. a dish free sink
5. Dinosaur Train
6. all of my wonderful friends around the world!  I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!!!
7. undereye concealer
8. craigslist
9. garage sales
10. size 8 jeans that FIT ME!!

Grateful, what?!

by Amy | Oct 26, 2011 | mama confessions

OK, so I’m definitely being challenged on my gratitude today.  Wouldn’t you know it?  The second I decide to attempt a shift in my perspective on life, I am freakin’ challenged?!

My Dad always says, “No good deed ever goes unpunished.”  I hate this phrase, but it’s so true.  I’m always beating myself up, because I feel like I don’t do enough outside of my little hornet’s nest/chicken coup/witch’s hollow.  I don’t volunteer enough…bake cookies for others enough…offer up my voice, my skills, my time for some charity.  So, a girlfriend of mine just recently had surgery, and I seized my opportunity to make her family dinner tonight.  This, in and of itself, would not have been a big deal.  “I can handle that,” I thought.  I’m just going to whip up something easy.”  So, last night at about 3am during a feeding (for my son…not for me, unfortunately), I was struck with panic.  My husband had been to the store already, not once, but twice since Sunday to pick up odds and ends we needed FOR THE WEEK.  Was I really going to have to go to the store AGAIN on a day that I have to teach and pick up MORE so I could fulfil my very UNhuge promise to make my friend dinner?!???!??!?!?!  Yep!  So, I got up and attempted (ha ha haha) to make a grocery store list.  Boy was my plan thwarted.  My older son grabbed my pencil and ran with it before I could finish.  I chased him around the house for the pencil.  The baby was fussing and needed to be fed.  My husband mentioned how he “really needed to get to work early this morning.”  I desperately needed a shower.  And that’s how my day began.

Somehow, I managed to pull this list together AND get it into my pocket AND get us out the door AND made it to the store while sipping on (ok gulping) some coffee.  This used to be a no-brainer.  Now, it’s a freaking logistical nightmare.  My brain is thinking, “OK, I’m just going to get in…get out…get the cheese, sour cream, taco shells…pay…get outta there!!!”  My son is thinking, “I wanna see the lobsters in the tank…I want the candy in isle 5…I wanna try the cheese at the cheese counter…”  HOLYYYYYYYY HELL!  So…(sigh)…we made it home by 11:30am.  Baby was starving.  Older son was wound up.  Meat needed to be unloaded and put in the fridge (since it’s STILL upper 80’s here!!)  I’m EXHAUSTED!

I managed to get the car unloaded and kids unloaded and knew I needed to haul ars to get everything unpacked and put away before a screamfest. Yay me!  I did it!  (another sip of coffee)  I made my son lunch, tried to clean up the kitchen from the night before AND feed the baby.  Then the doorbell rings…(hate this, btw!!)  It’s the pest control guy.  Really?!  Son immediately jumps up from his meal and runs to the door.  Dog starts barking.  Baby starts crying.  Project Get-My-Kid-to-eat-his-lunch just failed.  Damn the system!  Finally get him seated back at the table.  Remember we have to make rice crispy treats for my students and the Halloween party we are going to tmw.  How hard could that be?  what the *#& ever!  Oh, and I don’t just decide to make plain ol’ rice crispy treats.  Nope.  I decide to do the Halloween kind with orange food coloring shaped like a pumpkin.  Again…what the *&^% ever!  I did it and no one got hurt or colored orange.  Hurray for me!  (another sip of coffee).  Clean up the entire mess.  Feed the very tired, fed up baby.  Plug my older son in front of a DVD so I can attempt to get the dinner I promised made and ready to go.  It’s just tacos.  No biggy.  But, it’s 1:45pm.  I start teaching at 3pm and have yet to actually sit down THE ENTIRE DAY!  Oh, and have I mentioned that we are potty training (or trying to) this week?  So, throughout all of this, I’m trying to coerce my son to go pee pee on the big potty.   Yikes!  I get the meat on the stove.  Yay me!  Shred the cheese in my new food processor (cuz why in the HECK would I just buy shredded cheese and make things easier on myself??).  Cut up the tomatoes. Pull out all the fancy, to go containers I just purchased for the event.  Son decides he wants cereal with milk and wants to sit at the table.  Baby awakes from nap.  I’m rushing like mad to get this damn dinner put together before the bell rings.  Wait, what bell!?  I seriously felt like I was on some cooking show where you only get 1 hour to prepare a meal for a crowd of 10,000 people.  The clock was ticking!  I managed to get everything cooked, sliced, shredded and put in containers by 2:30.  Wow!  I had enough time to eat a bite, go to the bathroom, take a drink and maybe throw on some lipstick before my first student arrived at 3pm.  WRONG!  Son decides to go potty again.  Baby gets extra needy and clingy.  Am I wearing any deodorant?  First student arrives — 10 minutes early.  My husband is not yet home.  Baby won’t let me put him down.  House is on fire.  OK, that part is just an embellishment.  You get my drift.  Son is naked and coming out of the bathroom showing his wee wee to my student.  Have I mentioned how grateful I am?

So, I taught this afternoon.  I made it.  Students came.  Stomach growled.  Students didn’t get neatly packed rice crispy treats shaped like pumpkins in little bags with spiders on them filled with candy and spider rings.  They didn’t get jack (except their lesson).  Son screamed outside my door, “MOMMY!!!!  OPEN THE DOOR!!!  GO AWAY!!!”  Husband was growing less and less patient with him.  Baby was fussing (probably because he hadn’t eaten either the whole day).  But I made dinner for a friend in need.  And I was so glad I could help.  And she was so grateful to me.  It was worth it. 

So, without further adieu, here’s my freaking gratitude list:

I am grateful for:

1. Friends in need.  I was in need once or twice and the people who came to my rescue were SAINTS.  They probably had a day much like I had today when they were trying to help me out.  Thanks friends!!!
2. My crazy little family.
3. Realizing my strengths and weaknesses today and having somewhat of an ability to multitask and handle situations under pressure. 
4. My pillow.  I’m ready to lay my head on it. 
5. Orange colored rice crispy treats.
6. Kick ass/no fail tacos.  They were yummy good.
7. The wine I should have but didn’t get to drink tonight because I was too tired.  Probably better anyway.  Who needs wine?
8. A cold front is coming through on Thursday.
9. My Mom.  She did things like this all the time AND baked cakes for a living AND had 3 girls to deal with in the meantime.  I’m sure we were no less exhausting than my kids were today.
10. A GIRLS NIGHT OUT on Thursday!!! 
11. This blog.  For without it, I would need a punching bag right now.

Good Night

Gratitude

by Amy | Oct 25, 2011 | mama confessions

As I was thinking about what I would post tonight, I immediately had the idea of restarting my gratitude notebook.  I heard about this several years ago on Oprah and actually started one when my first son was born.  Then, like everything I start, I let it go by the wayside after a while.  It was good while I had it going though, so I wanted to try it out again in addition to my regular blogging for 60…yes 60 days and see if it improved my outlook on life.  As far as my outlook on life goes, I would probably benefit from a number of activities, including (but not limited to): reading my Bible everyday, going jogging (yay for Sarah!!!), working out at a gym, doing Pilates, having more sex, eating less crap and more healthy fruits and vegetables, earning more money than I spend and drinking less alcohol.  However, I’ll start with a gratitude journal and see if that spawns more positive habits later on.

I am grateful for:

1. My wonderful, caring, thoughtful husband, Thomas.  For without him, I wouldn’t make it through the day alone with 2 kids.  Nor would I see things from ALL angles.  Nor would I have freshly brewed coffee in the morning or a fan club for my cooking.  We may not always see eye to eye, but he’s got my back and I’ve got his.  He’s truly my best friend.
2. My adorable little guys.  Man, they are really special!  I wish they would both sleep a lot  more (esp. right now when I want to blog), but they are super cute and sweet!!
3. My parents.  I take them for granted, but I’m so happy I have them.  Losing my Grandma recently has made me appreciate the special people I have in my life even more.
4. My sisters.  We have grown closer over the years and I really appreciate that missing puzzle piece in my life.  Makes all the difference!
5. My wonderful friends.  I have a lot of them, but a very special few who I know I can call or write at the drop of a hat.  I’m grateful for all of them.  They make me smile and make me so glad I’m a woman.  Love me some girlfriends!!!  (esp. with all the testosterone in my house!!)
6. Being able to still earn some income from home.  Not a lot of people get to do that.
7. Cooler weather.  We had it last week and now it’s gone.  I want it back, and I’m grateful that it’s (probably) coming soon.  I hope. 
8. My cool new KEEN shoes I got a garage sale for super cheap!!  I love me some good buys!
9. That I’m losing my baby weight faster than I thought I would.  there’ s always more to lose, but I’m happy with my baby-making body.  It has served me well.  Just gotta get it in shape again and thank it for all it’s done for me.
10. I’m so grateful for all the difficult times I’ve gone through, the people I’ve been fortunate enough to come in contact with, the experiences I’ve had in my life that have brought me to this very moment.  For without the hard times, the confusing times, the amazing times, there would be no now to appreciate.  I love who my experiences have made me.  I didn’t like me 10 years ago, but I like me now.  Thanks LIFE!

And there ya have it.  My Emmy Award speech I never got to give. 

Nighty night!

A New Way of Being – Part 3

by Amy | Oct 23, 2011 | mama confessions

OK, so I’m still chewing on this, and despite my DESPERATE need for sleep, I need to empty my mind a little.

Several years ago, while living in Vienna, Austria, I found myself sitting alone in my (cold) apartment, journal in hand, dumping all of my thoughts out on paper or pleaing with God over word documents on my computer more times than I care to admit.  Here I was in this gorgeous, cultural hub, and I was literally paralyzed with fear.  Fear of what, you might ask?  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the cold.  Fear of not having enough.  Fear of getting lost.  Fear of not getting things done.  Fear of being rejected.  I have always used writing as an exercise in brain dumpage in order to figure things out for myself or just gain clarity with my current state of affairs.  During this time, I created notebooks of brainstorming charts, pros and cons lists, and even a worksheet that I so fondly remember entitleing, “Recreate Yourself”.  After many dates with Anthony Robbins CDs and thought provoking Joyce Meyer sermons on CNBC and all the books I had read, I knew it was  possible to change my situation…change my destiny…change MYSELF!  I wanted to let go of that horrible horrible roommate called “Fear” and actually go out and LIVE my life.

I have always struggled with depression…although, to me, that seems like a rather elusive term.  I think my biggest issues revolve around my own sense of self, how much I attach my worth to having money and my inability to just let things roll off.  But I would say my biggest, most deep-seated issues revolved around my own fears.

Now let’s quickly fast foward to now.  I am 37 years old; happily married to a wonderful man; have 2 precious boys; love my life.  Is the fear still there?  You bet!  But now the fear is different.  Now I fear for myself AND my family.  I wouldn’t say that I’m paralyzed by it anymore.  This is fear I can handle and I think I’ve left a lot of those ghosts behind thanks to all that journaling and praying and reading.  But now, there are other things that grip me and pull me down and cast their heavy weights on my chest.  One of the most pressing things is my own expectations for myself and my family.  I struggle with this.  I have tried to talk to people over the recent months about how hard it is to just slow down and let go of perfection.  But you know what?  I don’t think slowing down is as much a problem for me as I lead others to think it is.  Unlike so many mothers, I like being home with my kids with nothing major planned, no place to go and nothing to do.  I don’t mind not being intellectually challenged or the bread winner of the household.  It’s heaven for me to be with my kiddos 24/7 day in day out.  So, I’m trying to figure out what is gnawing at my soul.  I think it’s the lack of time I get to be alone, with myself, with my thoughts (like I am now) and really process my life.  I want so desperately to be present in everything I do and say, but I find myself so exhausted by the day or night before that I don’t have the energy to try and carve out this necessary time.  It may be time to journal, blog, read a good book, do my nails, pluck my chin hair (yes, this is cathartic for me too!!), talk to my husband and laugh about this or that, watch a movie or show I’ve been wanting to watch.  I just don’t have it right now.  Do I know this time will pass?  Certainly.  But right now I just crave that time and don’t really know how to function from a place that doesn’t give me that time I’m craving.  Yes, I do know that I could ask for help.  I’ve tried that and it works sometimes and backfires others.  I had the asking for help thing down pat when I just had one child.  With two, asking for help seems a little more intrusive or complicated.  I’m nursing, so I don’t feel like I can leave the baby alone for very long.  When the baby is sleeping or content, I feel like I need to pay more attention to my other son.  And I do.  When both children are asleep, I feel like I should be doing the frantic Mommy thing.  You know…the thing where we run around trying to accomplish everything we couldn’t accomplish when they were awake.  This frantic Mommy thing usually comes to an end when one or both children suspect that Mommy is trying to accomplish something, enjoy herself or merely get some rest, and they quickly awaken to sabotage all projects underway.  My husband is also extremely helpful.  He is an equal partner who takes on parenting and doesn’t expect me to do it all by myself.  He helps out a lot with my older son and gets him fed and ready in the mornings and comes home from an exhausting day of work and plays with him outside and bathes him and puts him to bed.  He does a lot.  So, when asking for me time comes to mind, I usually think, “Well, has he had “me time”??  Probably not.  Case closed.  Access denied.”  When I think of other people I could ask for help, it’s usually a bad time or I am immediately reminded of the fact that they also have limited resources and lots of responsibilities too.  Why would they be willing to help me out so I can rest or get a few things accomplished?  Then there’s the whole “babysitter” thing.  Yes, I do have babysitters I can call in a time of need…but that time of need can’t be on a school night or during the weekday (when I’m most vulnerable).  If I hire a real babysitter who could come at the drop of a hat, I’m talking about paying some big $$ to do it, PLUS, by the time this brilliant idea comes to mind, the permanent marker is already on the walls…the cake batter is already on the ceiling…the poor dog has already had her hair pulled and been hit with a plastic golf club…and the poor 2 year old has already been screamed at one time too many times and come within an inch of his life!  In other words, the damage has been done.  End of scene.   Time to move on. 

I say all that to say that I am loving this life.  I am happy.  I am fulfilled.  But my quest in my New Way of Being starts with something very basic — finding some time for self love, come hell or high water.