Mommy Time

by Amy | Jun 30, 2012 | mama confessions

This morning I’m taking Mommy Time.  Not to go to the store.  Not to work out.  Not to run an errand.  Not to work.  I’m just chillin’ at a cafe and trying to relax a bit. 

It’s been a stressful week.  And, may I mention that I always hate saying that?  Why?  Because everyone has stressful weeks.  And, because I chose this life.  I did.  Every ounce of it.  And I wouldn’t trade it for the world! 

For starters, my boys are getting increasingly more active.  They aren’t satisfied with just hanging out at home with Mommy anymore.  They aren’t easy to take places either.  Everything…and I mean EVERYTHING is a challenge.  On most days, I go with the flow and can take it.  But there are other, more sleep deprived days that I just can’t.  The days in this past week were filled with the ones that drove me over the edge.

So, what does a Mommy do to rejuvenate?  I have a hard time buying into the pedicure/massage/shopping bit.  I mean, I’m sure those things help, but if I think of every escape as a reason to spend money I don’t have, I won’t do it very often.  And truthfully, I’ve found that those things don’t necessarily rejuvenate me, personally. I wish I could be that easily distracted and be able to relax that effortlessly.

For me, rejuvenation is about saying “no”.  And, I’ve been realizing that more and more lately about myself.

This whole idea of saying “no” was going to be a blog post in and of itself, but I wasn’t able to write last night…so I’m combining posts.

Lately, I’ve been feeling this tremendous PULL toward doing rather than just being.  It happens so unconsciously that I don’t even notice it’s happening.  But, because of what I’ve learned, I feel a huge responsibility to my kids to teach them this basic concept that will hopefully help them stay grounded — or at least have a grounded home base to return to — throughout their lives.

I was talking to a wonderful, beautiful friend of mine on the phone the other day about this.  We know in our heart of hearts that we need to regularly practice the act of simply being in this world and not constantly filling our lives with things to do.  But even those of us who consciously practice with this idea struggle.  It makes me see even more how difficult it must be for those who don’t even think about it, but involuntarily find themselves on the hamster wheel. 

For me, saying “no” to invitations to go and do even potentially fun things is something I have to consciously and purposely do.  It doesn’t take long before my day is filled up with a phone call, a visit to the doctor, a playdate, a trip to the grocery store, a lunch with a friend and getting on the computer.  Before I know it, my day can turn from being free and clear to cluttered and stressful.  Now, granted, I have to admit that I fall into the category of being smack dab in the middle of introvert/extrovert on the Meyer’s Briggs scale.  If you haven’t taken that test, it is very eye opening to how you function in the world.  I have found that I function best when I have had time to myself to rejuvenate and clear my head.  I always have been that way.   Once I have had that time, I can go out and be the life of the party and spend quality time with those I love to be around.  But, if I haven’t had that time to myself first, I am a total, discombobulated wet mop and miserable to be around.

So, back to saying “no”.  It’s hard to do.  I think it is particularly hard for a few reasons.  For me, saying “no” isn’t so hard, but I think I do struggle with others’ perceptions of me when I do it.  I have a lot of great friends who I like to see and talk to, and my kids like their kids.  When I say “no” now, I feel like I not only deprive myself and my friends, but I deprive my kids of interaction with others that they enjoy being around.  I also think that I struggle with the perception of being “flaky”.  If I say “yes” or even “maybe” originally to something that actually overloads my schedule and causes me stress, I have a hard time backtracking and saying, “Ya know what?  I made plans with you, but I’m feeling tired today and need a day to just be home with the kids.”  I have the world’s most understanding, down-to-earth friends, but I still feel terrible doing it.

Yesterday, I bit the bullet.  I had tentatively made plans with a girlfriend I love spending time with.  The problem is, it just didn’t work out timewise with my kids and her’s.  The schedules weren’t aligning.  We were going to need to accommodate her child’s schedule and drive to the other end of town at a time when my kids normally nap to make it work.  Because I don’t see this friend as often as I’d like, I usually try to do what works for her/her child so we can spend time together.  But yesterday, I was tired.  I was feeling the need to ground myself and get things done around the house.  I was feeling the need to pull back and allow my kids to just have a schedule free day.  So, after a couple of nail biting hours of contemplation, I called her and said it wouldn’t work.  And ya know what?  She was relieved because it was going to be hard for her to pull off as well. 

The moral of the story is, WHY oh WHY do we feel this compelling need to stick to our word and keep plans?  That may be a great philosophy for thriving businesses and high powered officers of state, but is it such a good philosophy for tired Mommies or even women (and men) in the world of playdates and backyard BBQs?  Sure, we want to be trustworthy and reliable.  Sure, we want people to be able to depend on us and not feel like we are always flaky with plans.  But at what cost?  Who are we trying to please here?

Have you ever found yourself sitting somewhere with people and thinking to yourself, “I should have just stayed home?  Why did I do this to myself?  I’m not up for it?”  I have asked that many times.  And the answer I always have is, “Because I didn’t want to let the other person down.”  Truth be told, I have rarely been let down by a person who cancelled and honestly admitted that they just weren’t up for it.  Yeah, there may be a slight initial disappointment if I was really looking forward to the meeting or event, but I always quickly regrouped and moved on.  That’s just me.  I don’t like to ever make people feel guilty for their choices.  What I want most for my friends is that they are true to themselves.  We have enough obligations in the world — dishes, laundry, taking care of the every day needs of our children, our spouses, working, meeting deadlines and just basic showing up.  I don’t need my friends to ever feel like they have to show up on my account. 

Some of my best days have come from just listening to my soul’s need for rest and relaxation and taking the opportunity to say “no” to outside invitations — however pleasant and appealing they may sound.  I also want my children to learn this.  It’s important that they know that their value doesn’t come from being constantly busy.  They also need to learn to self-entertain, create and most importantly, just BE.  If they can’t learn this early on, they will be ever searching for happiness and not ever able to find it within themselves.

I must say, that I’ve learned the art of being early on.  My parents didn’t have the means to take us all over God’s creation for playdates and recreational activities.  In the summer, we were lucky if we made it once a week to the pool or the park.  Most of our days weren’t planned.  They just happened.  We would play with our toys, make believe, get bored, build forts, get in fights, tickle each other, make up songs and all of the other things kids do. 

I’m not saying that is a bad thing to have planned days.  I wish my parents would have planned more of our days and instilled in me a better since of planning ahead and having a structured day.  It’s good to have structure and some thing that children (and you) can look forward to.  But, must we do that ALL the time??  Current society tells us “yes”.  We need to have things going on.  For if we don’t have things going on, the kids will get bored.  We will get bored.  We will go crazy.  The kids won’t have enough enriching things to do and will risk learning all that they can possibly learn by the right age.  This just simply isn’t true.

I want to encourage myself and others out there to stop the madness.  Let summer be summer.  Just BE.

Frazzled and Frayed

by Amy | Jun 25, 2012 | mama confessions

After another long interlude, I am back!  And I am oh so frazzled.  How does one get organized and stay organized?  I ask myself that every day!  How do YOU get organized and stay organized?  I’d like to know if someone out there manages it.

I’ve always said, I have never been middle of the road at anything.  I’m either a smooth running machine who brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan and never never lets you forget you’re a man (sorry…had to resort to that 80’s commercial)…or I’m a total, complete TRAIN WRECK!  Now, I’m not saying that I am on the train wreck side right now, but I’m not functioning at full speed, if you know what I mean.  I mentioned to a friend the other day that I always seem to feel like I’m just a step behind the beat.  And, if you’re a musician, you know that ain’t a good place to be in.

Maybe my expectations are just a little too high for myself right now.  Or are they?  I don’t know how people manage sometimes when I look around me.  Are they burning candles at both ends and just have good undereye concealer?  Or are they lying?

OK…so, you’re probably wondering what I’m frazzled about.  Well, truth is…everything!  I just realized tonight that I hadn’t even been online to check my bank account in a LOT of weeks.  Who doesn’t check their bank account?  Not only that, but I haven’t managed to enter in anything in my kids’ baby books in MONTHS!  Which means, I’m going to have to backtrack and LIE.  Hmmm…let’s see…I think he got his cuspids in at 9 months…that would mean it was February…hmmm…yeah, February 14th…wait, no…that was Valentine’s Day…what did I do on Valentine’s Day?  I guess nothing because I can’t remember it.  Oh yeah…my baby’s teeth…yeah, let’s say he got them in February 28th.  Yep!  That sounds good!  Seriously.

And as if Facebook doesn’t have a way of rubbing it IN YOUR FACE that you’re behind the beat…now, we are blessed with a wonderful new time wasting machine called pinterest.  My sister invited me the other day, and after spending about 10 minutes on there, I started feeling like the world’s biggest LOSER.  It all started with this table I liked that someone had stenciled in paisley and then stained over.  So, I clicked on the picture to see a bigger version of it and was diverted to this woman’s blog. I started reading the blog and looking at all of her other cute projects and realized that this woman was probably about my age with a 2 year old and a tiny infant.  The reason I noticed this was because, in all of her project pictures, the kids were somewhere in the background playing with the glue gun or dowel rods she was using for her current project.  My first thought was, “Wow…she has two kids under the age of 3 and she does artsy, crafty, creative projects and has time to BLOG about them!??  What the HELL am I doing with my day?”  Then, I thought, “This woman is insane.”  Then I started lamenting the fact that I used to do projects and dreaming up fun creative projects I should do soon.  Then, I started feeling overwhelming stress about how I was going to finish the projects with the kids around.  Then I decided to go have a glass of wine and try to forget about the prospect of ever doing a project again until the kids are in college. Ha!  So sad.  But so true.

Seriously though…are all of these social media sites (as well as parent magazines) just trying to torture us?  I’ve had egg whites sitting in my fridge for a week that I would love to make macaroons with.  WHEN!?  I can hardly keep my veggies from going bad.  I would oh so love to free up some space and time, but I don’t know how it’s possible.  This weekend was supposed to be a relaxing, uneventful weekend.  I was so looking forward to it.  We had NO plans for once.  I was happy thinking about all the things I would tackle and complete — changing my phone number over to my cell, installing all the programs that were on my old pc to my new one, laundry washed and folded and put away…macaroons made (lol)…baby book updated.  Whatever.  Here’s how it went down:

Friday:  Finally schedule a babysitter to come and watch the kids while we go out for dinner.  It was great.  Drank a little too much wine.  Ate a little too much.  Needed it.

Saturday:  Friend who is moving here calls from NJ to ask if we can take her husband out and show him around town.  We, being the hospitable people that we are, were thrilled to have him over and show him around town.  Didn’t get home until almost 3pm.  Boys were exhausted.  Naps were thrown off.  We were exhausted.  Nothing was accomplished.  Leftovers from the past 4 nights for dinner.  Went to bed early.

Sunday:  Slept in a little.  Thank you JULIAN!  Got up and made cinnamon rolls (from a can).  Got a call from my girlfriend in Vienna (who I haven’t talked to in weeks).  Couldn’t talk because we were getting ready to eat breakfast.  Decided we wanted to try out a new church.  Attempted to get ready for church as my 3 1/2 year old chased the dog with pillows from our bed while screaming at the top of his lungs.  Turns out, anytime we give him even remotely too much sugar, he FLIPS OUT!  Note to self.  Went to new church.  They were having a celebration Sunday where the pastor wasn’t there and it was all music dedicated to Independence Day.  Figures.  Happens every time we go to a new church.  Meanwhile, girlfriend called me back and I wasn’t home to take her call.  Went to lunch at a place where kids eat free on Sunday.  Neither child ate anything on their plate.  We both got sick.  Hoped and prayed both kids would fall asleep in the car on the way home from lunch.  They didn’t.  Took turns on the toilet (I know…TMI).  Watched t.v. and skyped with Tom’s parents.  All of us took a nap (at 3:30).  Woke up at 5pm from nap to find that my son had fallen asleep on the couch and peed through his clothes and couch cushions.  Had to wake him up and take him in the bathroom to strip him of all his clothes and hose him down (SCREAMING AND CRYING).  Stripped the covers off the couch cushions.  Wiped down the cushions with peroxide and water.  Did a load of laundry.  Made dinner.  Ate dinner.  Cleaned up after dinner.  It is now 7pm at this point.  Thomas takes boys outside with him so I can get some things done.  I hurry (as usual) to get my things done and go back outside and to find that he’s pissed and frustrated because he can’t get his things done in the yard with the boys out there.  I take the baby inside with me and try to finish what I was doing to no avail.  Give boys a bath.  Sneak out while Thomas finishes bathing them to finish up what I was doing, but hear screaming.  Go in to help him get the baby’s pajamas on and get the baby put to bed.  End up reading books with both boys and keeping one from jumping ship.  Take baby and put him to bed.  It is now 9pm.  How did this happen?  Where did my day go?  Where did my weekend go?  This is the same story every weekend.  How do other people have time to do projects?

OK…so, I’m really not complaining here.  I have said it before and will say it again:  I LOVE MY LIFE!  I really do.  I just wish there was some balance to it, ya know?  I’m finding this whole balancing act to be a little, well, exhausting.  And truthfully, there’s NO time for creativity, recreation, hobbies, fun.  I wish there was time.  I would be doing it if I even had an inkling of time and energy.  But, henceforth (I just had to use that word), I don’t.

So, here I am.  It’s 10pm and I’m gone with the wind, but dadgummit I’m going to blog whether or not it KILLS me.

Hopefully, things will start to look up.  Hopefully I can find a way to get my life back a little and start doing at least some of the things in life I love to do.  In moderation, of course.  Hopefully, I can find some balance and in so doing, find a way to soak up the wonderful, fleeting moments with my children and still feel fulfilled because I’m also feeding myself.  Right now, these possibilities seem like leap years away.  But, I know with some creativity (and sleep), I will find a way to make time for myself again.

Over and out.

Happy Summer

by Amy | Jun 14, 2012 | mama confessions

Well, after another long hiatus, I am back in business and trying to get my life somewhat organized so I can start blogging (and hopefully doing other things I want to do) again.

How are you?  I always feel like blogging is such a one-way street.  I’d love to hear more from people who actually read this crap I write.  Not that I think what I write is crap, but I’m sure it is to someone else who is blessed not to have to be inside my brain.

Well, I ended voice lessons (thank GODDDDDDD!) at the end of May, and we promptly headed up to Kansas City for a few days so I could sing in a friend’s wedding and see family.  It was a whirlwind trip, and I was so sick the whole way up there and back that I thought for sure I might be pregnant again.  Once I got there, my sisters informed me that there is a “bug” going around that makes you feel like your pregnant x the power of 10.  At first you start feeling crampy…then, you’re a little nauseous…then you start feeling like you just might hurl…then you start feeling achy and feverish and you get chills.  Then, you just go back to feeling crampy again.  We all had it.  It felt like the worst (and dumbest) virus I’ve ever had.  Turns out, THANK YOU JESUS!, I wasn’t/am not pregnant.  Whew!  The thought makes me want to hurl!

So, now we’re back and once again, I’m just really trying to make sense of my family’s somewhat desperate situation and figure out where I fit in and how I can help.  The truth…and what I’m learning every day is that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.  No matter how hard you try.  I want to do something…anything…that will make their situation easier.  They are my parents, after all.  They took care of me and raised me.  How can I not help them?  But, what do you do when people literally refuse your help?!  I feel like my hands are tied, and yet, I don’t know how to just sit still either.  This is a real test of my own personal faith.  I hope and pray that God would just deliver them from the house they’re in…help them get into another, more liveable house and move them to sell all the stuff they’ve accumulated over the years.  I also pray that my Dad would find a decent part time job and get some debt paid down.  Oh my LORD!!  Just thinking about all of this makes my stomach turn.  I am sick with grief.  Physically ill from it.  I’m so tired of other people’s problems consuming me.  But these aren’t just other people.  These are my parents.  I love them.  I would do anything for them — if only I would be allowed to.

Well, on some other positive notes, I feel like some fire is really lit underneath my evergrowing ars.  When I ended my voice lessons in May, I literally washed my hands of ever having to teach anyone I don’t want to teach AGAIN and saying goodbye to stage mothers and kids who are snotty and impolite and lack motivation or ambition.  This sounds so harsh.  Believe me…I can only imagine how bitter I sound.  I used to LOVE teaching.  Love it!  I worked hard to hone my skills, and I feel I have pretty mad skills when it comes to teaching.  But, Oh MAN!…I’m so done.  So done.  And I’m on to bigger, brighter things.  I hope.

For starters, I accepted a position as Children’s Choir Director at my church, First United Methodist of Round Rock.  I had been the children’s choir director at another church downtown, Central Presbyterian Church, but the drive was too long and the program was going to take a lot of man hours and energy to build.  I tried it for a few months, but it was just too hard to keep up and I was missing going to my church with my family.  So, I accepted this position and I can rehearse the kids when I want to rehearse them every week and they will provide childcare.  PLUS!

In addition to that (as if I need an addition to that), I have started taking on corporate clients and offering voice coaching for businesspeople who do a lot of public speaking.  I am super excited about this, because it is something different than what I’m currently doing, but it combines all my skills and pays much more than what I earn teaching.  I’m not sure how it’s going to play out, but I’m very excited.

In general, a lot of really positive things are happening in my life — not to mention, my two beautiful boys who grow and change every single day, my amazing husband and my wonderful family and friends.  I feel so blessed.  Mainly, I feel blessed because God is showing me all the endless possibilities of what I can do and he’s giving me the creativity (despite the continual lack of sleep and time) to do those things.  Life is good.

On the other hand, however, I still really struggle with what is going on back home.  I try hard to separate myself from it and try to just be happy (because I need to be for my kids), but I still worry a lot and hate that I can’t wave a magic wand.

It’s so true that life is a huge mixture of amazing peaks and devastating lows that sometimes occur simultaneously.

Searching for Authenticity

by Amy | May 22, 2012 | mama confessions

Over the past few weeks I’ve been struggling to figure out what it is that is stirring so strongly inside of me.  My head is reeling with fragments of ideas and creative whims that I just can’t seem to shake, and yet, as luck would have it, I don’t have the chance (or the energy once I get the chance) to explore and find out what my intuitive side is trying to tell me.  I’ve blogged and journaled and prayed many times about this crux – the feeling of needing to do something and the inability to actually do what it is I most crave.  As a mother, I actually feel guilty for even having such whims.  What is wrong with me?  Why don’t I want to sit in parks and discuss the ins and outs of my children’s daily routines and eating preferences?  Why can’t I be happy with seemingly endless days of playing with trucks, reminding my oldest to gently “roll the ball” rather than throw it with his very strong right arm, tickling the fat rolls on my baby’s legs and taking walks around the neighborhood with our dog leashed to the double stroller?  Why do I have to have something else (as if I need MORE things to do) stirring inside of me?

Lately, my days seem to be spent trying to find that 5 or 10 minutes here and there to just get a moment alone to brainstorm, read something that inspires me or clear my head.  My rational side tells me this is counterintuitive.  I need to just accept that right now, I’m a Mom and I don’t get to have a life outside of that.  Plus, even if I were that frivolous, when would I have the time to explore and expand upon all that my tired little brain is thinking up?

Earlier, before I had kids, I would have called my predicament something like “martyrdom”.  I hated hearing women/men complain about something they had consciously chosen.  I still don’t like hearing someone talk about something they have inevitably brought upon themselves.  I’ve always hated hearing that people are “crazy busy” as if that were a bad thing.  Aren’t they in charge of their schedules?  I equally dislike hearing about someone’s job they hate or weight they can’t seem to lose or husband they can’t stand.  We all have choices, right?  You betcha!

I don’t think anyone who chooses to have kids consciously thinks, “OK…I will now have to put my life on hold for a few years and be completely content to not have any goals other than getting the laundry done, the dishes unloaded from the dishwasher, the food prepared for dinner and keeping the kids happy.”  I think most of us think we can have it all.  I certainly did.  I certainly do.  I just need to figure out how that’s accomplished.  And I haven’t quite done that yet.

Right now I’m reading a book called “The Fire Starter Sessions.”  Actually, I’m reading several books as I look over at my nightstand.  I am also reading the book, “Raising Happiness” and some other book about scream-free parenting.  ha!  As you can see, I’m not reading any fantasy novels.  Nope.  No sir!  I have to read books about how to be better at things than I already am.  I need to read books that help give me a different perspective or a different way of doing things…a better way than I’m currently doing them.  I’m a knowledge seeker. I get turned on by more information.  The library and Barnes & Noble get me all hot and bothered.  I can’t think of the last time I actually read something for pleasure.  In fact, I think all of my books are resources.  Gee…I need help.  Good thing I have plenty of self-help books!

Well, the point of this post is that my head is spinning and I need to resolve whatever it is that is causing me to be unsettled.  The irony in all of this is that I used to be able to take a hot bath, write in my journal, do some brainstorming exercises and read some helpful books to get these things out of my system, and now I have no time to bother with any of it.

My current MO is to delve deeper into being a loving wife and a caring, patient, kind mother, a great teacher to my kids, a kick ass cook of all things kid friendly and yummy and healthy, a good friend and sister and neighbor, and then, when I have half a brain in me and some extra seconds in my day, to jot down ideas or thoughts as they come to mind.  If I try to be any more ambitious than that, I find myself spiraling down a steep slope of crazy.

Today, through my reading and some brainstorming (while both kiddos were asleep – all of 10 minutes), it became clear to me that what I want most in my life is authenticity.  I don’t want perfection. I gave that up a long time ago.  I don’t even want more than I already have.  We are blessed with so much as it is!  What I most want is for my life to reflect what it is I love most.  I think it does for the most part.  And I’m grateful for that.  I don’t have the urge to keep up with anyone – especially the Jones’s.  I don’t need for my house to be sparkling clean because it won’t be for many years to come.  I don’t need more of anything. All I really want is to live in the present, able to embrace this fleeting moments, to act on my values and create and love and be ME.  I don’t want to ever apologize for the person I am and what is important to me. 

My mantra for this week:  Be at peace where you are.  Love the life that is yours and live it to the fullest.

Happy Mother’s Day!

by Amy | May 14, 2012 | mama confessions

I am pooped, but I wanted to quickly get on here and wish everyone I know a very Happy Mother’s Day!  Today was really special because it was also my son’s first birthday in addition to Mother’s Day.  We had so much fun together, but I’m exhausted.  Oh, and there he is…just woke up again!

Ugh…hope this is not one of those nights.