Zombie Mama
What is wrong with me? I’m such a zombie lately. I just got an email from a woman reminding me about a gig I have this Sunday cantoring for a Catholic mass. I have a rehearsal tomorrow, and I completely spaced it out. I’m so glad I’m not involved in any more things (at least that I know of) right now, or I’d probably be forgetting about those too. It’s so weird. I am past the newborn stage where you are given a free pass for being forgetful and too exhausted to do normal things like cooking, cleaning, showing up on time, etc… My baby is now 6 months old. I should be running a corporation by now and making my own bread, right? I’m only kidding, but that’s how it feels. Somehow, when your baby reaches an age where he or she is no longer a newborn and his poop goes from that mustard seed liquidy consistency to a more sturdy sweet potatoe puree consistency, there’s this pressure to get back out there and get moving with your life. I don’t know who puts that pressure on me, but it’s there. It’s a feeling very similar to getting over the flu. People are sympathetic while you have the flu and possibly even a couple of days after the flu has left your system, if you’re lucky. But then, it’s over. Put on your big girl panties and get it together, Lady! You’ve got things to do, places to go, people to see! Chop Chop!
This past week has been especially draining and has made me take a step back and realize how much pressure I put on myself to perform. Even though I quit pursuing performing as a singer years ago, and have since skimmed quite a bit out of my once hectic and busy schedule in order to raise my children and attempt being sane in the process, I still have this inner calling to pull it all together and reach far beyond my capacity and outdo myself and everyone else in a similar position. I don’t consciously think I’m doing that. In fact, I think most of our actions are subconscious unless we take a step back and answer some tough questions. It’s not that I don’t want to be my best. I want to be at my absolute best for my children, for myself, for my husband, for my family. They deserve the best. I deserve the best. But here’s the deal, there is a fine line between being my best and burning a candle at both ends.
Back in 2006, long before I was pregnant with my first child, my brain began doing some strange things and playing tricks on me. I was teaching over 40 students a week, singing with a church choir, singing with Conspirare (a local professional choral group here in Austin, TX) and accepting offers for gigs here and there to make ends meet and gain more experience. I knew I was tired, but I couldn’t slow down. I was like a magnet in a jar of paper clips. I just kept saying “yes” to every possibility out there, because GOD FORBID you say “no” to a music opportunity and not get asked to sing again. Even worse would be turning down a potential new student — especially after having to work so hard to build up my studio. Somewhere down the road, however, I started to unravel. I would be sitting at a stop light and even though it was still red, my brain would say that it turned green and I would start to drive out in the middle of the intersection as cars coming toward me would honk and slam on their brakes. I knew something was wrong. I knew I had to get help.
Shortly thereafter, I sought therapy with a provider through my husband’s work. I got 8 free visits, and I began talking to a counselor every week for an hour. Throughout the course of our time together, I discovered that I was taking on too much. I was working my butt off, but I couldn’t breathe. My body was shutting down. Worse yet, my brain was shutting down. I was given the diagnosis of Adult ADD. She pressed for me to get on some form of prescription medication, which I did for a while. It helped for a time, but the inner problems I was dealing with did not go away. I was still striving for the ungettable get. I was still trying to overachieve and outdo.
Later that year, I started graduate school at the University of Texas in San Antonio. This forced me to take a step back from a lot of my singing gigs back here in Austin and cut my studio in more than a half. Three times a week, I would drive down to San Antonio, TX from my home in North Austin, spend the day down there attending classes, studying at the library, practicing in the practice rooms and then turn around and race back home in order to teach a few students in the evening. I did this for nearly two years! But it wasn’t until I got pregnant upon my last semester while writing my master’s thesis and preparing for my recital that I realized how much I was pushing myself. I had a miscarriage within 8 weeks of finding out I was pregnant in January 2008. As if that weren’t bad enough, I lost my voice completely and still had a graduate recital to perform. At that point, everything had to be weighed and prioritized. Things that were unimportant quickly went by the wayside. I started doing acupuncture and drinking herbs and finally regained my voice and sang beautifully in my graduate recital. Looking back, I can’t even believe I managed to pull it off. It was truly a miracle! Not even 6 weeks after my recital, we traveled to Vienna, Austria to see my husband’s family before I was to begin my next gig with Conspirare. While there, I found out I was pregnant again! We were so happy, but yet, there was still much to accomplish before obtaining my graduate degree. So, once again, I found myself rushing and fretting and scurrying to get things done. When we returned from Vienna, I was beyond sick. I could hardly stand. For the first time ever, I called in sick for a gig. Fortunately, I was let off the hook and did not complete my contract based on the fact that I was worried that I would have another miscarriage. I caught a little bit of flack from some of the other singers, but I knew I had to do this for me and for my child. I’m so glad I did!
Wow! How did I go all the way down that road? I didn’t mean to divulge so much. Sorry!
Early last year, a girlfriend of mine shared with me some information about a local author and life coach she worked with. I ended up attending one of her workshops on being an “empowered entrepreneur” and bought her book entitled, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. Man, did I EVER need that book! When I opened up the book and started reading the first few pages, I remember feeling this sense of inner peace and self love that I hadn’t felt in a long time — if ever. I had always been so hard on myself and was constantly looking for a new challenge, that I wasn’t able to stop and just let myself BE. What struck me the most is that I could get away with this self-loathing behavior as a single person or a married non-Mom, but I absolutely couldn’t let myself get away with it as a Mommy of a growing baby boy!
I’m still processing all of this and need to read and reread that book as I continue to steer my way through this journey into self care and self love, but I will say that I’m making some valid attempts. This A New Way of Being telecourse taught by the same person is causing me to stop and think, yet again, about who I am in all of this and what am I doing here? The last class is tomorrow, and I’m so looking forward to tuning in — even though I wasn’t able to really be present in last week’s course because of all that was going on back home with my Dad. I really want to inhale tomorrow’s course and let it sink in. I would really love to just let myself be transformed by this whole idea of skimming off all the excess weight — whether it be my own thoughts, my perception of my own responsibilities, things I have committed to (or overcommitted to) and how I look at myself. I shared with the telecourse group a couple of weeks ago that I needed to let go of ridiculous expectations in order to achieve a new way of being. However, that posed a problem because deep down I actually like being a perfectionist and going above and beyond — even if it nearly kills me. That’s a tough habit to break.
Now for some audience participation: What things do you do that sabotage your efforts to slow down and enjoy your life? What thoughts do you have that reinforce old patterns and keep you from a new and better way of being? Are you a perfectionist? Are you always striving for the next challenge? Are you quickly bored when you are faced with a day with nothing going on other than being home and spending time alone or with your kids? Do you find yourself trying to fill up your calendar but then being overwhelmed by all the obligations? What’s keeping you from creating space and time for yourself or quiet time for your family in your calendar? Are you gentle with yourself or are you always beating yourself up and feeling like a failure for one reason or another?
Today I’m grateful for:
- having an outlet for my rambling
- being authentic — even if it’s not always pretty, nice or fun to be around, I am who I am and I like that about me.
- the fact that I’m learning to let things go a bit more. (Example: I am in bed writing this and the house outside of my room is a disaster)
- cooler weather is coming
- the boys are in bed
- I managed to make a meal tonight.
- even though I don’t see it, I’m getting things done. Little by little. Day by day.
- the fact that I’m growing more and more tolerant of unshaved legs
- the fact that I’ve read so many self-help books in the world, that I can easily recall passages that help me on command.
- the fact that I’m going to bed. RIGHT NOW!
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