Self-Care vs. Martyrdom
This past week completed the 4-week long telecourse entitled, A New Way of Being. Since I started the class, I’ve been blogging and journaling here and there about some observations I’m having as I dive deep down and try to soak up all this information and self-analyze. I was not anticipating having some of the reactions I’ve had, and I definitely didn’t think most of the content would even be relevant to me. Isn’t that interesting? Truth be told, my first reaction to the title of this course was, “I don’t have the time or resources for a new way of being! I’m stuck with the way things currently are!” That may be true to an extent. I don’t have a lot of time on my hands with a 6-month old baby and a 3-year old boy, but I can certainly attempt to carve out some time and space throughout my day/week/month for some rejuvenation. I owe it to myself. I owe it to them!
One of my biggest pet peeves are people who are martyrs or who think they are merely victims of their circumstances. Yet, over the course of the past 3 years, as I have had the sense of losing control of my day/week/month with no real end in sight, I have unintentionally and unconsciously become a martyr. It creeps up on you slowly. First, I resisted the fact that children are such time suckers. When I was pregnant with my first child, I remember having thoughts about other people who had kids like, “Why can’t they just get a babysitter?” or “She needs to learn to set some boundaries!” How judgmental I was of things I didn’t even understand. I honestly thought I could carry on with my life, my career goals, my self-care just like I had in the past with a few minor adjustments. I didn’t understand how friends of mine could let themselves go and speak of going days without showers or eating. “That is absurd!” I thought naively. When I was faced with the reality, however, that there would be no carrying on as I had done before; that days/weeks/months would go by without the oh-so-craved-and-sought-after sensation of productivity, I began to realize just what people (women, especially) were complaining about. For the first time in your life, you are faced with the reality that you have NO control over your day. For control freaks like me, this is a stark realization. And those first few weeks and months of my first son’s life, I was bound and determined to prove everyone wrong. I didn’t downsize ANYTHING! In fact, I made my life more complicated and high maintenance. I updated my website for weeks on end while nursing him, came up with business plans, worked on brainstorming different layers of my brand and amped up my marketing strategy. I even hired a marketing intern to spread the word about my services to potential customers and went on a rampage to streamline my business and form a corporation and/or franchise. Instead of reading books about baby development (which I did as well), I would read books about marketing and strategizing. Clearly, my thoughts were on my business. Was that wrong of me? Who is to judge? I was doing what I thought was best for me and my family at the time. But now, looking back, I am amazed at my lack of awareness about how much my life had and was going to change due to this new little being. I’m also amazed at what I most likely missed out on by not being present and in the moment with him when he was so little and why it didn’t occur to me that he wouldn’t stay that way forever as I was busy getting things done!
As they say, “Hindsight is always 20/20.” I know that throughout my brief gig as a mother, I have wanted to be present. I have even attempted to chastise myself when I would be sitting on the floor playing with my child while the pressing feeling to get up and do the dishes loomed over me. I fight that every single day. I think the thing that stops me from giving in so often now — especially with my youngest — is that I now realize just how quickly time actually does fly.
I don’t know. I think everything really does need to be approached in moderation. I mean, as I was going through this class and as I’ve read book after book and done journaling exercises on the subject of self-care and being present in your everyday life, I still come back to some of the same thoughts. Yes, it’s great to put aside responsibilities and be present with your children. Yes, it’s great to be in the moment savoring and enjoying every second you can. But the reality is, at some point, dishes do have to be washed, laundry does have to be done, groceries do have to be bought and put away and eventually cooked and served. For me, the balance has to be there, though. Doesn’t it for you? I love cooking fabulous meals with healthy foods for my family. I love eating them, too. But, let’s face it…some nights just have to be pizza nights or chicken nugget nights or breakfast for dinner or leftover nights. I also love having a clean house with everything in its place. This one has been a tough one for me to let go of. I used to spend my son’s naptime picking up toys all over the house and cleaning. I can’t do that now, because he doesn’t nap anymore. And if he does happen to take a nap, I have a 6-month old staring at me with the cutest little chubby grin ready to play and laugh and be tickled (his favorite pasttime). Do you think I’m giving that up to make sure my floor is picked up?? Hell to the NO! So, the fact that everything has to be in moderation circles back around. Of course, I’d love to keep a clean house. And someday really soon it’s going to be important for me to have clean floors for my baby to crawl on and free of things he can pick up and put in his mouth. But the reality is, my definition of clean has changed.
As for the “martyrdom” issue, I really think I need to step back and look at this one a bit longer. I’ll try to blog about it later. I think we all struggle with it don’t we? And, what I’m finding is that I struggle with it more when I’m not taking care of myself and I’m continually saying “no” to my needs.
For now, I’m going to say that I’m grateful for:
- the boys are in bed and it’s not too late.
- we had a great weekend!
- my Dad is feeling good.
- it’s THANKSGIVING WEEK!!
- even though my parents aren’t coming, we have some fun stuff planned together as a family this week!
- Costco
- my voice made me some $$ today for the first time in a long time. We needed the money and I needed to sing!
- my niece, Sage. She is such a beautiful little girl who is quickly turning into a beautiful young woman. I love her!
- Pierogis. Discovered them at Costco. Great solution for a quick dinner. Yum!
- the fact that I’m not Catholic. God, those masses are long!
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