by Amy | Nov 10, 2011 | mama confessions
It’s strange. I started out wanting to make this blog about the joys and trials of motherhood, how it has changed me, tips I’ve learned along the way, funny happenings in my little microcosm and basically, all things Mommy. Since I started writing, however, this blog has taken some strange twists and turns as life is happening while I’m busy being a Mommy. My Grandma died the day after I started writing, which had a huge affect on me and while I haven’t spent every day in the depths of depression, I have really taken a hit by her passing. Then, just as I started to scrape myself off the dirty sidewalk and get my groove back, I am hit, yet again, with the news that my Dad is in the hospital after having what they think was a TIA or mini-stroke over the past couple of days. As I type this, I’m sitting in my baby’s room while he plays in his crib and my other son sleeps in the living room. All the lights are off in the house even as the sun sets early on this mid-November afternoon. I can’t be bothered to turn any lights on or put mascara on or do anything productive, for that matter. My head is literally spinning. He’s currently undergoing MRIs and angiograms and whatever other tests they need to take to determine what to do next. Funny thing is, there’s nothing I can do. There’s no one I can call or confide in who would make me feel better. I’m 700 miles away from the scene, and I’m helpless and alone. Well, not alone. But, I’m alone in my head. I haven’t felt this desperate since I was living in Vienna, Austria in early June of 2002 and found out that my close friend Chuck had killed himself, that my Dad had prostate cancer and my Grandma was going into emergency surgery for a quintuple bypass surgery all within the same week! I was in the middle of a production with Theater an der Wien and by contract, I could not leave. I was stuck. I swore then I would never be in that predicament again — not able to be there for family members or friends who are struggling and/or sick. Now, here I am, with two little kids who need me while my very young Dad (just turned 60) is going through some pretty serious stuff back home. I’m not able to fly there or drive there, and even if I were, the only thing I could do is sit and wait — just like my Mom and sisters are doing. But, I don’t even have that option right now, and it’s killing me!
Like I said, I had no intention of my blog posts being this serious in nature, but what I’m coming to realize through writing is that life is a series of events that take place while you’re trying to figure out stuff like your baby’s sleep patterns, why he’s constipated and what you should feed him. Life is happening while we’re planning birthday parties for our soon-to-be 3 year old. Life is happening while we are pondering about the future purchase of a bigger car or while we’re mad that we accidentally bought rotten tomaters at the grocery store. Life is happening while we’re mad at our spouses for this or that, and we’re not happy with the wrinkles showing up on our faces. It’s funny how trivial and small we sometimes let our lives become. We get so caught up in the day to day B.S. of the guy cutting us off in traffic or our paint chipping off of our walls, we forget what really matters most–the health and happiness of our family.
I am Guilty Party Numero Uno when it comes to obsessing about the small things in life. I’d like to think I’m above it, but I’m not. Three days ago (before all of this happened with my Dad), I was lamenting over not getting enough sleep, wondering what I should make every night this week for dinner and attempting to plan for my son’s birthday party. Now, I’m barely able to move. I am paralyzed by the fear that my Dad could have something really seriously wrong with him. That he could die on the operating table if they have to open him up and unblock his artery leading to his brain. That he may never get the usage of his left hand back. That he may not be able to work and provide for my mother and him anymore (since he’s far from being able to retire and works for himself). My rational, spiritual self is saying, “It’ll all be OK, Amy.” But the human part of me that knows how these things can play out is starting to lose it. What if? What if it doesn’t all work out? I’m really scared. And what’s worse, I’m really scared and I have a little boy counting on me to pull through for his birthday. I am really scared, and I have another little guy who is counting on me to feed him, to giggle with him and tickle him and change his diapers and figure out why in the heck he’s not pooping. No more holing up and digesting this kind of information. No more taking time to process the weight of aging parents and sudden conditions and ailments that cause most of us to stop and ponder life. There’s no time for that. I’m a Mommy who is grieving the loss of her Grandma and scared shitless about the serious health condition of my father. Who can take all that on and still smile?
While it is hard for me, today, to do anything — let alone write a gratitude list, here goes:
- My Dad is alive and they caught whatever he has in time that it has not done a lot of permanent damage (that they know of) yet.
- My little family is healthy.
- I am strong.
- I am healthy.
- I am a Mommy.
- My baby is about to turn 3 years old!
- I have enough treats in our “Potty Jar” to keep my son pottying on the big boy potty for quite a while.
- Michael’s honored my 50% off coupon through my phone today when I bought a cake pan.
- My home feels serene and quiet right now.
- Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight.
- So is Private Practice.
- I’m not cooking tonight.
- All of my birthday schtuff is bought and ready to go.
- I have at least one glass of wine left in that bottle in the fridge.
by Amy | Nov 8, 2011 | mama confessions
I don’t know if it’s the fact that every time I get an extra ounce of energy to do something, I’m quickly brought back to reality by the fact that one or both of my kids needs me for something STAT. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m constantly lacking energy and feeling more sleep deprived than ever. Whatever it is, I have absolutely NO motivation or inspiration to do anything. I give up. I surrender all. I’m done.
This morning and all day yesterday, I kept asking myself, “What is WRONG with me?!” I hate hate hate feeling this way. I don’t like to complain. I don’t like to be stagnant and blah. I don’t like feeling like I have no control over my life and what happens or doesn’t happen over the course of a day. But, somehow, here I am. What’s funny is that I don’t really have anything super pressing to do. I just miss that feeling of waking up and being able to accomplish something trivial without having to use ALL the energy I have to fight through and make something happen against all odds. When I speak of accomplishing something, I must make myself clear: I’m not forging through a complex business plan — or any business plan for that matter. I’m not even attempting to clean my house or make a meal. I am merely attempting to make a couple of necessary telephone calls or get on my computer for more than 5 seconds to check emails and get some necessary things in order for the week and weekend coming up. How hard is that? Why does it feel monumental?
I love my boys. I love my life. I’m so grateful for all that I have. Why then…oh WHYYYY do I have these moments where I just feel helpless and depressed about my current state? I don’t even think it’s the day to day stuff — although that does have a tendency to create a sense of ambiguity for even the strongest of women who are mothers and/or stay-at-home mothers. I don’t mind the dirty diapers or the endless pile of toys or the spit-up stained and stretched out shirts that were once “cute”. The reality is, I don’t have any complaints about being a Mommy. It’s so gratifying for me and, while exhausting, the most fun I’ve ever had. So why does this dark cloud loom overhead?
We just had a wonderful weekend spending time with my Aunt and Uncle from Denver and doing all kinds of fun stuff in Austin. They were amazed at how versatile my kids were. We took them everywhere and were gone all day and yet, at the end of a very long day, they were still smiling. How fortunate are we? I’m so glad I’m not stuck at home with two grumpy kids who can’t be flexible when we do something out of the ordinary. I can virtually take them anywhere and it works. So, why am I complaining?
Well, I think what’s getting me down the most right now is my inability to take my inspiration and run with it like I used to. I am a creative person by nature. I don’t just like being creative. I thrive on being creative. Whether creativity should strike by working on my voice and widdling my way through an interpretation of a song in a foreign language, or picking out a new paint color for a room in my house, or writing in my journal or letting my wheels turn on possibilities with my current business or businesses that have yet to be created — I love to create! When I don’t get to create, I get grouchy. I get complacent. I get stagnant. I get bored. I truly think this is why I didn’t have kids sooner in my life. I mean, I guess I also needed a husband, too, right? But, I really resisted having kids because of this very issue.
Everything about having kids goes against my nature. I’m not highly social. Having kids makes you highly social — like it or not. If you don’t feel like talking or being around people, guess what? With kids you will be around people ALL day long and either have to talk a lot yourself or listen to someone else talk (or babble)! If you aren’t at home with your kids alone, you are being social by being out on playdates or birthday parties, the park, storytime at the library or some class for kids. Yay for being social! No more holing up and giving myself time and space to breathe before I go out in public! lol
So, I guess that’s it in a nutshell. I’m struggling with some fundamental personality conflicts with myself and where I am in my life. I never thought I’d say that with regards to being a Mommy. I used to frown upon hearing that friends of mine were dissatisfied when they had beautiful children and a husband — the perfect life! But, I think with every phase of life comes a bit of inner dialogue and conflict. This is not for wimps. I love it and thank God every day that he blessed me with two beautiful children, but I also mourn the loss of myself. That sounds so cliche, right? I hated that phrase as well. How do you lose yourself? You just get redefined, right? Well, redefining who you are is not always so simple. One can only relinquish so much of herself: her time, her energy, her choice of radio stations, her choice of how many hours of sleep she gets, her choice of how spicy she makes dinner, her choice of where she spends her day, her choice of what television shows she watches — if any at all, her choice of how much time she gets to spend doing things she likes to do, before she starts feeling a little desperate.
I am not a victim, though. I have never liked people who make themselves out to be victims or martyrs. And I never thought they made good Mommies. We all have our own cross to bear. We all make choices. I made mine and I’m so glad I did. But, I really don’t see any other way of doing things for a while, and that’s hard to swallow sometimes. Sure, I can go out with girlfriends on occasion or plan a date night with my husband. Sure, I can carve out time for myself throughout the week or start planning ahead for creative ventures that make me feel alive again. I know all that stuff. And sure, the occasional outings or time and space do help. But the reality is, I need to find a way to accept this change in my life and be content. No amount of sleep or time to myself is going to change the reality — I have two young children who need me…constantly. I honestly don’t feel like I need a vacation from that to make me feel better. I need to accept it, find a way to be creative and remain who I was born to be AND be a great Mommy. The question is how? There is no silence in my day where I’m awake enough to breathe deeply and meditate. There is no unpaid help that could potentially relieve me a couple hours a week for some ME time. There’s no Grandma standing by to babysit my kids so I can have a date night with my husband. So, somehow, I need to accept that, right now, for this short phase in my life, I am going to not have the time or energy to be creative. I am not going to be able to do those things that personally fulfil ME — at least not on a regular basis. And with this reality in mind, how will I proceed? Hmmm…interesting stuff to think about.
So, here’s my gratitude list for today:
- my two boys who are so little and sweet right now. This phase of their lives won’t last long, so I can embrace it and love it!
- my colorful life full of inspiration that I will one day be able to act upon
- my extended family — aunts, uncles, cousins — who add richness and fulfilment to our lives
- it’s raining outside
- my son is getting ready to turn 3. My life has changed so much since he was born and FOR THE BETTER! Without him, life would be so dull (and quiet).
- my cozy house that is dark and lit with candles right now
- my 6 students who are coming today for lessons.
- having a good hair day
- all these magazines that I will one day be able to sit and look at and get inspiration from
- great friends to share fun experiences with
by Amy | Nov 6, 2011 | mama confessions
Today, my Aunt and Uncle flew back to Denver after their very short whirlwind weekend visit here in Austin. Their trip was much anticipated, and we had such a great time with them, but I’m somehow left to feel so sad and empty for not just them but all of our out of town family. Fall and winter bring a solemn spirit of longing for family closeness to me. I can’t quite explain it. I just want to be closer to family and see the people I love more often. This Aunt and Uncle never lived close to us geographically. From the time I can remember, they always lived out of town and far away from where our family lived. In your mind, you hope that distance won’t create an obstacle, but it somehow always does — especially with limited resources and time to travel. We never saw them. We spoke with them only on special occasions. When we did see them, it was usually a drive by visit from them or a very short whirlwind visit for us. This weekend makes me wonder how different things might have been had we lived closer and seen each other more often. It was so sweet to get to know them and yet, so sad to think of what could have been if only we had spent more time with them growing up.
Experiencing my Grandmother’s death over the past month has made me realize even more how precious time with your loved ones is. Every second of the day, we are making memories — whether pleasant or not so pleasant. Many of us get so caught up in the busy-ness of our lives, that we fail to realize how quickly time is actually going by. We have now lived in Austin, TX for over seven years. How’s that possible? I moved away from my hometown to go and explore Europe in 2001, and here it is, almost 2012! I’m floored by this.
Anyway, I hate to be Debbie Downer in this post, but I feel very sad right now regarding where we currently are in our lives: Living far away from all of our family on both sides with two little kids and very limited resources to get up and go spend time with our families when we want to. Something has to change soon. But will it?
OK. Here’s my gratitude list (long overdue):
I’m grateful for:
- Great weekends like this one with wonderful family coming to visit us. What a fun time we had!!
- The fact that my parents are coming to visit in 2 weeks for Thanksgiving!
- Friendships here in Austin that are like family in many ways and help to fill that gap and make living far away from family a little easier.
- My precious immediate family — my husband and my boys — for they are my reason for living.
- Cloudy, rainy days that allow us to rest and forget about the world.
- All this food I bought that we haven’t eaten in my fridge.
- Not having to cook dinner tonight.
- The prospect of eventually moving back home to be closer to my family.
- Skype
- In preparation for our guests, I was able to get all of my recent pictures printed and hung up on the walls. THIS IS PROGRESS!
by Amy | Nov 4, 2011 | mama confessions
Today I ordered actual prints of some of the pictures we’ve been taking throughout the year. I have been working on creating a folder of all of my favorite pictures, and I finally uploaded them to Walmart’s online photo department and picked them up this afternoon. Since the kids fell asleep, I’ve been drinking my favorite Austrian wine and putting all the pictures in frames. I can’t believe it has been nearly six months since I’ve done something this productive. I have been so upset that I haven’t been able to get around to doing this ONE THING, so it makes me happy that I finally have a sense of accomplishment. It took having relatives book a flight and say they are coming this weekend for me to do it, but hey…some things just need a little motivation!
PICTURES ARE IMPORTANT TO ME! (sorry about the caps…it’s the wine) I like having pictures up ALL OVER MY HOUSE! It makes me feel good. It makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am. It makes me feel blessed and loved. It makes me PROUD! I am so proud. But not in a conceited way. I am proud, because I never thought I’d have this. I never thought I’d have this wonderful family. So many relationships failed to succeed throughout my twenties and made me believe that I wasn’t worthy of love. When I met Thomas after so many broken, failed relationships, I couldn’t believe that love had finally found me. The feelings were right. The timing was right. I’m still pinching myself. It’s not perfect. Nothing is. We argue over stupid things. We get on each other’s nerves. He still has yet to figure me out and I have yet to figure him out. But we love each other. Deeply. We love each other more than our problems. We love each other more than our failures. We are best friends. This makes me so grateful for all the failed relationships I had before him. Thank God I didn’t end up with some of those creeps! He is such a gem. He makes me a better person. OK…enough of the sappy stuff.
So, I have all the pics in frames and actually need to go and buy more frames. I’m realizing how frameless I am. har har har No, but seriously…writing while drinking wine is hard.
Thomas and I just looked at each other and said, “Why are we still awake? The boys are sleeping!!!!!!” There’s something about the freedom that comes with having both boys in bed that makes us not want to sleep. I don’t know why, since I always complain about sleep deprivation. You’d think I’d be all curled up and asleep by now, but I’m not. So dumb.
OK, the wine has definitely taken over and not allowing me to have any thought worth having, so here is my gratitude list:
Today, I am grateful for:
- welll…my child just woke up! what are the odds?
- Austrian wine
- the great day I had in my pajamas
- the cooler weather
- my house is clean
- crap, he’s crying
- my pictures are printed and in frames
- ok…now he’s really crying
- chocolate
- sex
ok…sorry! that was random, but gotta go!
by Amy | Nov 3, 2011 | mama confessions
So, apparently there is a cold front coming through tonight, and my body can already sense it. The wind is blowing swiftly through the trees outside, and all I want to do is curl up under blankets and sleep. This is why I need fall/winter. I am a hibernator. I really enjoy going on lock down and just staying home and nesting in my little house, making soup and cookies and lighting candles. It’s my thang! It all has to do with my need to just be antisocial for a season. This is my season. I love people and meeting friends — don’t get me wrong. But, I also just love time to myself. I laugh because I haven’t had time to myself in approximately three years, but now, time to myself consists of just being home and not running all over God’s green earth doing stuff to fill up my day. When you have kids, that’s tempting to do. But, I am so rewarded by the days that we are just home, not doing much of anything. Those are the times memories are made and we are rejuvenated and energized for days to come when we are busy.
OK, so how did I get on that kick? Today was a great day. We went to the park this morning. There was a light, cool breeze in the air and the kids really had a lot of fun. We have our German playgroup meetup on Wednesdays, and we just love getting together with this group and getting to know the people in it more and more. It also really helps my German to stay intact, and I think I’ve even improved since we’ve been meeting regularly. Tate and his little girlfriend, Elizabeth, were so cute today, too. They immediately started holding hands when they saw each other and were pretty much inseparable the whole time. When Tate would swing, Elizabeth wanted to swing. When Tate wanted down from the swing, so did she. It was so adorable. It’s nice to see them playing together so nicely and really forming a true friendship. Children engage in parallel play (playing alongside each other without really interacting) for so long throughout their infant and toddler years, so the interaction with one another is a sure sign that they are really maturing. You can see that now so clearly. I’ll have to post a picture of them soon. They are so sweet!
After the park, we forged on to Costco. We hadn’t eaten lunch yet, so thankfully, they had their sample carts set up with all kinds of different foods to sample. That helped us make it through the store in one piece. Thank God! We had so much fun. Tate really enjoys trying different things. I am always intrigued by what he’ll eat in a store in a little paper cup vs. what he’ll eat at home when I serve it to him. He’ll try anything there. At home, however, he’s not so adventurous. I guess I should change my approach and start standing behind a cart with a uniform offering his food in paper cups or on tooth picks. Hey! I just might be onto something!
OK…I’m too beat to make sense, but I wanted to write my gratitude list. By the way, this list is keeping me ALIVE lately and really changing the way I think. I still have a tendency to look at the glass a little half empty, but it’s totally improving my outlook on life. I think cultivating the awareness in and of itself is a good thing. I also love and am looking forward to another New Way of Being telecourse, but unfortunately, there isn’t one til next week. I love it, because it’s just a reminder to me that I need to slow down and enjoy the little things in my life. The old me (prior to kids and even sometimes nowadays) would get stressed out when the house was a mess or my son was acting up. I would remember times when little things would set off my whole day and make it a “bad day”. But since I’ve become aware of that tendency toward downhill spiral, I am able to push the pause button more often than I used to before just reacting, and ask myself some key questions that help me refocus and get my day back on track. For instance, if I find myself getting frustrated with my son, it’s helpful for me to stop, take a deep breath and ask myself why his behavior is frustrating me or having such a negative impact on me. Then I am more able to approach him with a gentler tone and redirect his behavior. I’m still working on this, but it is helping me so much and helping him as well. I love all the resources there are, and I eat up any new information I can get.
Today, I am grateful for:
- My love for reading and learning and growing. I love that I crave more knowledge all the time. And what I love even more is that there is endless knowledge to receive.
- My son’s everchanging maturity level. He is growing up so fast. Love him!
- The cold front coming through tonight. Hermit weather is finally approaching.
- The fact that right now, at this very moment, both of my children are sound asleep. (why I am not is a whole other story)
- Being invited (although I could not attend) to come and help out at an annual women’s conference today. Knowing opportunities like that exist helps me stay on track and know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
- My singing voice. It has been such a wonderful instrument for me. I haven’t sung in ages, but I am looking forward to the day I can dust off these cords again.
- My personal voice. I always knew I had one in me, but now it’s getting more focus and direction (except for this blog post). I hope and pray that God can use me in some way to touch lives with my voice someday. I feel like this blog is a start.
- This blog. I had no idea how much I would look forward to writing everyday. It is not a chore. It is an exciting, fulfilling way for me to unleash my thoughts and get a broader perspective on my current state. It’s like morning pages (from The Artist’s Way), but instead, it’s night pages.
- My new panini press/grill. We used it tonight to make an amazing panini dinner and it was so easy!! Why I haven’t bought one of these until now is a mystery! LOVE!
- My whole house is clean. It took doing things in several phases over the course of this week, but other than a few odds and ends, the house is clean. Yay!!!
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