by Amy | Mar 24, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
This week has been another developmental milestone for both of my boys.
For starters, Julian now has 8 teeth and counting…he wants to have a full set by his first birthday and he might make it! He is continuing to pull himself up to everything and stand. He sometimes puts one leg off to the side in order to have more balance and grasp things that he wants to play with. It’s funny to watch him do this, because he just seems like he’s trying to be so cool.
Not only that, but he is into everything and is starting to throw little (big) temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. WHOAH! Who did he get that from? He gets downright mad when he is not able to do what he wants to do and play with what he wants to play with. He has been told he can’t have things for much too long. Watch out, Tate!
Yesterday, he threw a fit on the changing table. He doesn’t generally like to have his diaper changed anyway, so I always have to give him something to occupy his attention. However, yesterday, he was completely mad at me for putting him down and let out some yells directed at me and hit his hand on his leg to show his anger. I think we have yet to see what this guy is made of! : )
Mommy has been ultra fed up lately with Julian’s lack of sleep or, should I say, sleep patterns. He takes 2 to 3 little naps throughout the day and acts tired and cranky quite a bit. Then, at night, he is already ready to go to bed by 6:30pm. Problem is, if I let him go to sleep that early, he will usually wake up within the hour to be nursed and put back to sleep. This pattern goes on all night until finally, during one of his night wakings, he is completely awake and aroused and ready to play. This has happened quite often lately and it’s making me crazy! We are such a sleep-deprived family right now, it’s not even funny anymore.
Oh well, we love him anyway : ). Today we went to the park and he played outside like the other kids. I need to start remembering to bring his hat (whether he wants to wear it or not) and slather both Julian and Tate with lots of sunscreen. It’s already heating up and I have to protect those sweet little faces!
Later on, after dinner, I was sitting in his room looking through some clothes I had just bought, and he started playing an unprompted game of peekaboo with me using one of the shirts and hangers. It was so cute! And, he was so proud of himself for doing this. Every day, he is growing so much, understanding more and more and learning about how everything works. It’s truly amazing to watch him grow and become such a sweet little man with his own personality — very different than his brother’s, I might also add.
Speaking of his brother…there is Tate. What a big boy he is becoming! We really have crossed a hurdle with his potty training as of the past week or two. He was really fighting us and not wanting to go potty (and he still is, to a point), but he is now wearing underwear full time (except nights) and we are making it through most days without many (if any) accidents. He doesn’t always want to go, but I can usually find a way to get him there with bribing or by giving one of his trucks or stuffed animals a voice. He responds very well to “other people” telling him what he should do. And if all else fails, I just fake a cry. He usually responds to me crying and wants to do anything to stop me. I know, that is sick. But, hey…you gotta do what works!
In addition to his potty success, he is growing into such a boy in so many ways. He speaks clear, full sentences and understands complex things now. He was quite intrigued and saddened when a bird hit our neighbor’s window and died on the ground, for instance. He also understood this past visit when my parents and sister/her family came to see us.
I am also noticing that he is understanding more and more about socializing with other kids and that he is missing out when he is at home and wants to be around more people to play with. Gone are the days when we were all he needed.
This coming Wednesday (3/28), we are leaving to go to Austria for the first time since Tate has been born. We are so thrilled that they will get to meet their family and all of our close friends. I just hope it is a smooth sailing trip!
Tate is realllllly into monster trucks right now. So much so that it is all he talks about. Hot Wheels came out with these monster truck figures that have really cool moving wheels. Tate is all about that and pretty motivated to potty by them too.
I love these boys with all my heart. They are so funny and amazing…and might I also add, handsome little fellas too!
by Amy | Mar 24, 2012 | mama confessions
This post was half-written yesterday and never finished and published, but I think it’s relevant and I’d like to go ahead and postdate it and publish it today:
Since I can remember, I have always kept a prayer journal. I have a hard time focusing on praying and remembering everything I want to say, so writing has always been my method of choice for communicating, writing down my thoughts, making lists, etc… I love to write! It’s also nice, because I can go back to the prayers I’ve written and see answers to those prayers. Sometimes the prayers are merely an outpouring of my inner thoughts and sometimes they are desperate pleas for peace about difficult decisions or something in my life that needs to be sorted through or filtered out.
I don’t normally include my prayers on this blog, but today I desperately need to pray, and I think this will be my only opportunity.
Mind you, while I attempt to type this, I have a 10 month old pulling at the screen on my laptop and a 3-year-old jumping around me trying to get my attention. Today, I’m literally fighting for a chance to pray and I’m losing.
So here goes…quickly:
Dear Lord,
I am losing it! (ha) I so desperately want some time to myself and it was working out for a little while. I could take the boys and drop them off at the childcare place at the gym or I would sneak away for an hour while Thomas was still home and do something on my own. But now, for some reason, my child won’t stay in the child care and Thomas has meetings in the morning and can’t stick around to watch them. I’ve tried hiring sitters and taking some control back in my life by having some help. The problem is, if the sitter is here and I am here, the kids know where to find me. If I leave, I inevitably end up driving around and wasting this precious time I’m paying someone for. Anyone who tells you that finding help with small children is easy either hasn’t done it before or has wonderful parents close-by to help them on a whim. We have neither of our parents here in Austin, so finding good help and being able to afford for them to come on a regular basis is a tricky thing. It’s also hard to have help come to your house — esp. if you want to get anything done IN the house while they are there.
As I type this, I hear my husband freaking out because he has to hurry up and get ready. But, if I don’t type this, I risk having a prayer left undone. I need this prayer. I need this moment. So, am I selfish for needing this?
I don’t think I’m selfish, but everyone around me seems to think so. The kids give me this longing and desperate look that says, “You’re selfish” when I walk into another room or leave for a few minutes to do something that every person who isn’t imprisoned is entitled to — like, for instance, a shower…or a chance to pee without feeling rushed because the world might fall apart and children might accidentally choke or kill each other while you take that precious 25 seconds to run to the bathroom. My husband unknowingly says, “You’re selfish” when he complains about how long I was gone and how much he needs to get done. So what gives? How does one strike a balance??? Are mothers merely supposed to be unselfish and die quietly to themselves and everything they want and need out of life to raise happy, healthy children and keep a peaceful household?
I know that, for generations upon generations, mothers have always sacrificed themselves to raise their families. Many women have done this without complaint or any thought given to what they were giving up. I’m not like that. Does that make me selfish? I don’t want to be. I don’t want my kids or my husband thinking that I’m always putting myself first. But, I need oxygen sometimes. I need to be able to think clearly and do things that make me feel fulfilled outside of being a mother. What are those things? Hmmm…I don’t know. I’m a creative being, so I like to be able to create things and contemplate new ideas. That charges me positively.
Anyway, Lord…I pray that you would just help me to find some time to myself on a regular basis where I can recharge. I need it. I know it’s not rocket science, but I feel like I have to fight so hard for it to happen.
Thank you for helping me figure this out and regain a sense of balance in my life. Amen
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Now…fastforward to today. I didn’t wake up with quite the need I had yesterday to have time to myself. Not every day am I irritated beyond belief that my kids are hanging on me, violating my personal space and asking me to sacrifice my sanity for their entertainment. However, I did, for the 5th time this week, plan to go to the gym to work out this morning and it didn’t happen. And let me tell you, it didn’t happen from lack of motivation or want. Man, I wish I could have wanted to work out this bad when I didn’t have children or anyone else to distract me and sabotage my efforts! lol Nope. I tried so hard to get to that gym. But, guess what? It didn’t happen because my husband had to take our minivan to the dealer to have some things looked at, and although he willingly took our two kids with him so that I could go to the gym (after I threw a fit about not getting to go ALL week), I wasn’t even close to being dressed to go at 8:15am when my class starts. On top of that, we had workers on their way to our house to finish up their job from yesterday, so I had to be here to let them in.
I will say, however, that I’m grateful for that little tiny chunk of time where I was able to shower without worrying that my son was possibly in another room wetting his pants or hearing my youngest grow increasingly impatient while I shave my legs. It was better than yoga to be able to walk through every room in my house and put things away quickly without having to carry a 23 lb baby around or leave him in a room and hear him cry because I left him. I needed that small chunk of time. It wasn’t a pedicure. It wasn’t a work out. But it was MY time. And I needed it.
I have to say, it’s really been funny how hard I’ve tried to make things happen lately — like making time for myself and working out and scheduling breaks, and it’s still a huge effort and a miracle when it all comes together, and truthfully, on most days, it doesn’t really come together at all. I feel like the stars have to align just right so that I can leave the house or get a moment to myself in order to accomplish anything productive. And, you know what? That’s OK. I keep telling myself that one day, in the not so distant future, I will have the whole house to myself while the kids are off to school, and I will probably sit with a cup of coffee gazing out the window with a tear in my eye remembering these days I’m living out right now. These are good days. Really good days. This is the sweetest, most satisfying job I’ve ever done. In fact, no matter how much a mother of young children might complain about sleep deprivation or overall frustration and exhaustion, she also realizes deep down that she is living out the best times of her life.
So, here’s my prayer for today:
Dear Lord,
Thank you SO much for loving me so much that you gave me such a beautiful, sweet little family. I know that there are days (like yesterday) when everything is more than I can handle, but I’m so grateful for what I have. You have entrusted me with these precious little boys, and I want to be the best Mommy I can be for them. Not only that, but I want to be the best wife I can be to my wonderful husband as well. Forgive me for taking things for granted. For being impatient and irritable. Forgive me for being grouchy when I don’t get to do what I want to do with my day. Help me to realize that these days are precious and few and cannot be redone. There will only be so many times my son will sit on my lap and listen to me read him a book and look through the pages before he learns to read himself and wants to be left alone when he reads. There will only be so many times that my baby bobs his head on and off my chest looking for food before he realizes that there are more promising and fulfilling sources for food out there than what I have to offer him. There will only be so many times where I get to help my son sit down on the toilet to go potty before he learns how to do it himself and doesn’t want me in there with him ever again! There will only be so many times that my baby plays peekaboo with me with such delight before he realizes that there are other things more thrilling in this world. These days…however long they may often seem…are numbered. If there has ever been a difficult concept to grasp, it is this one. Everyone who has experienced watching their children grow so quickly will tell you to cherish every moment. However, most of us who are in the thick of it get tired of hearing that. It’s like a married person telling a single person to enjoy their life while they’re single; or better yet, a couple with children telling a couple who desperately wants children but can’t have them to enjoy their freedom and sleep. We never really understand concepts like these until we’ve gone through it ourselves. But, the problem with this, Lord, is that I don’t want to grasp this when it’s all over and done. I want to get it NOW and not have any regrets when I pull up to the Kindergarten door, the graduation auditorium or the college dorm. I want to know that I was there for my kids and loved on them and squeezed their fat baby feet and held them and loved them and kissed them and tickled them and lived this life with them to its fullest. But, right now, I can’t know that because I’m just craving a break, a full night of sleep or a minute to check my computer.
Lord, help us to grasp what we have right now while we have it. Help us to not always want what we can’t have, but to want what we’ve got. For this, I believe, is the true key to happiness.
Thank you and AMEN!
by Amy | Mar 20, 2012 | mama confessions
Today is one of those days where you wonder how you make it through all the other days without going nuts. It has been a relatively good day, but only because I succumbed to the notion that nothing would be accomplished — nothing, that is, that needs to be done. You see, I have a now 10-month-old who doesn’t really settle into sleep for a long period until after 11pm. I have tried putting him down at every hour, but he always wakes up after 30-45 minutes needing to be put back to sleep again. Some books tell you to “night parent” your child to sleep until he reaches an age where he is able to go to sleep and stay asleep. With my first child, I fell into this category because I had the energy to do so. With this child, I am more and more tempted to follow the other trains of thought that suggest that we let him cry himself to sleep — whether that takes 10, 15, 25 minutes or even an hour. I have tried this method here in the past but one of us has never been able to make it longer than 15 minutes. On top of that, now we have another child who is disturbed by the howling, so we are always drawn to hushing his cries and coaxing him back to sleep. Where was I going with this?
Yeah, so I’m not getting much sleep (that’s a given), but I’m also not getting anything done or having any down time to myself. It’s frustrating, but I’m dealing with it by merely giving in to being unproductive. Whatevs.
Anyway…I hope everyone else is having a fabulous day. I thought I had more to write than this, but as it turns out, I don’t. My head is spinning with a trillion things I need to do before we head off to Austria next week. I’m very excited about our trip, but also a bit anxious too. I always obsess about every detail. What clothes should we bring? How will the kids do with the time change? Should we bring a DVD player on the plane? Or should we just bring our laptop? I just went to Target and spent wayyyyy too much money on miscellaneous items — travel sized crap, organic baby food, overnight diapers, Cheerios, enough chocolate Easter crap to last us this year and next, odds and end stuff for people there (I am trying to keep our gift giving to a minimum as this could get OUT OF HAND quickly!) Geez!
Now my two boys are asleep and I’m typing this. What am I doing?
by Amy | Mar 4, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
We had a great day today. We got up this morning and I made breakfast tacos. Daddy continued to work on the tile in the front hallway (even though he had a bad back that was nearly killing him). Tate played quietly most of the day while Julian followed behind. I went to the gym and picked up a couple of bargains at a garage sale on the way home. When I got back, I made the boys lunch and we went outside to play. Tate road his tricycle and scooter around and had fun while Julian and I cheered him on by yelling, “On your mark, get set, GO!!!” and then he would race down the driveway. After that, we all piled in the car, and I took the boys up to get the car washed. When we got out, Tate came around the side where I was opening the door to get Julian out and bumped his head. He didn’t cry, although he wanted to. It looked like it hurt. He even fell over from the door hitting him. Poor little guy! He now has a red bump on his eye brow. Hope it goes away tmw. After we got out of the car, we headed next door to sonic and got an ice cream while we waited on our car to be cleaned. It was a lot of fun. Julian especially enjoyed the ice cream. Tate had a few bites, but was more interested in the BIG HUGE MONSTER TRUCK sitting in front of us and wanted to eat the peppermints they gave us. After we finished, we headed back to the car wash and picked up our car. It looked so nice and clean. I told Tate we needed to do our best to keep the car clean and he seemed really interested in helping me do that. We’ll see how long that lasts.
Fortunately, they both fell asleep on the way home, and I was able to run inside and get Thomas and we headed out to a birthday party for a friend’s 4 year old son. The boys slept while I ran into Target and bought the present. when we got to the party, there was a bouncy house. Tate normally hates those, but this time he really enjoyed himself. We had pizza and cake and Tate thoroughly enjoyed playing with the toys and watching the clown. Julian immediately went for the crust of my pizza and was thoroughly content sitting and chewing on it for what seemed like an eternity. Tate got a motorcycle made out of a balloon from the clown and that really impressed him. The clown asked him if wanted to have his face painted, and he said “Yes” and sat down in the chair. I knew that wouldn’t last long. After the clown got all of the make up on Tate’s face, Tate’s lips puckered and he ran to me bawling and trying to rub it off. We had to quickly run upstairs and attempt to get all the face paint off to avoid a scene. It came off rather easily. Julian was really tired, but with all the hoopla, there was no way I would have been able to get him to sleep, so I kept having to carry him around. He finally settled down when he noticed the helium balloons in the air. He began to play with one and it was so cute. He had so much fun grabbing that balloon and was completely entertained. He has been super fussy lately with a really runny nose and lots of congestion, so it was nice to see hiim in good spirits.
On the way home, both boys played with their balloons in the back seats until Julian started to fuss because he was so tired. Tate finally looked over at him and said, “Julian! Just stop crying and take a nap!” lol
All in all, it was a really nice day. I hope Thomas’s back feels better tmw. The boys continue to grow more and more each day and I am amazed at their personalities. I love them so much!
by Amy | Mar 2, 2012 | mama confessions
Somehow lately, I’ve been feeling like the world was closing in on me. I don’t know why that is. It’s that gnawing feeling that happens when you take on something new…something in addition to what you’re already doing. And this new thing doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It actually doesn’t matter if it’s negative or positive. Whether the new thing is meeting a new friend or taking up a new job or potty training your 3 year old…some things are just too much to think about all at the same time. I don’t feel depressed. But, I do feel overwhelmed. I think the feeling of overwhelm is causing me to be depressed.
My friends who have moved on from having young children constantly say things like, “Let it go…downsize…don’t worry about that right now…focus on the kids…they will only be little for so long…etc…” Yes, I know that. And I felt it for sure this past Sunday morning as I drove away from my two boys sitting as cute as they could be in their red wagon in the driveway and I headed 30 minutes downtown to rehearse my children’s choir. In and of itself, this choir is a great thing. The kids are great. The church is really special. I like it. It feels right. On the other hand, shaving my legs is a task I can’t seem to get around to doing lately, so is this job (on top of my private voice studio) too much? Probably. Do I want to quit because it’s too much? Not really. There’s something telling me, “Amy…stick it out. Don’t be emotional. It’s not that big of a deal!”
I felt the same way today as I finally got away to get some stuff done and I find myself on my computer writing a mother back and forth about rescheduling her daughter’s lesson. I teach 6 kids. 6. And it feels like I have to rearrange the planets when I make plans to go out of town or one of my kids or I are too sick for me to teach. I realize they are paying me money to teach their children, but can’t they just be reasonable with regard to rescheduling the lessons? At this point, I’d rather just credit her than take ANY more time out of my day to respond to emails and try to rearrange my schedule to get her in at a time that probably won’t be convenient.
To make my point, obligations in and of themselves aren’t bad. We are all obligated. And when you are running your own business or work, it doesn’t matter how big or small the job is, you still have things you have to do that take time out of your schedule. That wouldn’t be a bad thing either, if I only had time. I just hate this predicament. Deep down I know my kids will only be little once. And somehow, running a small business and teaching this children’s choir is a breath of fresh air for me and a good way for me to earn some extra money. I just wish I didn’t feel pulled at from every angle right now. It’s to the point where everything/everyone feels like an obligation and I don’t like feeling like that. I want to enjoy my life. I want to enjoy my time with my kids. But, apparently, these distractions, however minute, are GIGANTIC in my head.
So, I guess it’s time, once again, to skim off the top. See what is a priority and do that and only that. I don’t have it in me to do any more than ALL I am able to do. If I offend someone or earn a little less, sobeit. I can’t worry about anyone else right now. That’s so hard for me to do. I worry constantly that I’m letting people down. I can’t anymore. I only have to worry that I’m letting my family down. And in the process, that I’m letting myself down.
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