by Amy | Feb 27, 2012 | mama confessions
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that one’s perspective can change dramatically from one day to the next. Every time I have one of these epiphanies, I think to myself, “I need to write this down, so I remember not to freak out or start thinking I am going crazy.” Every time I start to get upset, I need to think, “Will this matter next week? Will I even remember it at all tomorrow?” I need to get out of the habit of overanalyzing my unhappiness and feelings of overwhelm on one day, because as sure as my cellulite jiggles, I will feel much better the next day. It’s usually that simple. Sometimes we just simply wake up with heavy hearts, on the wrong side of the bed or in a downright BAD mood. Sometimes, if those feelings linger, it’s depression. But, most of the time, they are just moods that will change as soon as the weather does. And lately, the weather has been changing a lot.
I write this post after a great weekend with my family. There was nothing grand or exciting about it per se. We didn’t even really do anything. We didn’t have any major plans. We barely left the house, actually. But the weekend was great because we were all together. We had some laughs. We shed some tears. We endured some tantrums. We lived through some frustrating moments. But, truth be told, we enjoyed our time together.
I need to remember that I’m not feeling this sense of satisfaction about my weekend because anything really got accomplished. This is a hard thing for me to let go of. Everyone with children over the age of 6 likes to say, “Don’t worry about the house right now…you’ll have plenty of time for that later.” Well, that may be true, but someone has to worry about the house from time to time or everything turns to shit. Pardon my French, but it’s true. The shit part, that is. If I don’t worry about the house, I will continue to smell the 5 pairs of underwear/pants/shorts/socks my 3 year old peed through as they sit and rot in the laundry basket. If I don’t worry about the house, my family will be crawling around on the floor with dustballs and dead bugs clinging to their onesies. If I don’t worry about the house, everyone will starve and no one will have clean jammies to wear to bed. That damn pile of mail will continue to stack up on the kitchen counter until I can’t see out of my kitchen. My point is, I have to worry about the house. But, right now, I’m not. Tomorrow, I will. I think my bigger point is, the list of things to do is perpetual. It never stops. I will never be able to sit back and smile with a root beer in hand and think, “Go Amy! Everything is done!” OK, let’s face it…even if I could sit back and say that, I wouldn’t be holding a root beer. The job is never done. There’s always something to do. And yet, while there’s always something to do, there has to be time to just do nothing every now and then. And it’s really important to remind myself that I’m satisfied right now–not because the laundry is neatly folded and put away (or even washed). I’m not satisfied because my floors are clean (but that would be nice). I’m satisfied because I got to watch my babies live their lives this weekend and grow a little more. I got to spend some time with them and have no agenda. I love having no agenda. I’m satisfied because life is good. We are all healthy and happy and that is all I could ask for.
I have to admit I’m a little too consequential sometimes. I always think of the outcome of my decisions. I think this is a great characteristic in many ways. But it doesn’t really promote living on the edge and enjoying life much, does it? I, like many women, like to have my ducks in a row. It seems like, the more seasoned you become as a parent, you realize more and more how little you can leave to chance. While I used to be able to “wing it” with what I’d wear or what I’d eat for lunch, I now have to plan all those things for the kids. We have to have virtually every hour of our day planned around meals and naps in order for things to run smoothly. In order for the kitchen to be ready for them in the morning for breakfast, things have to be washed and dried and put away the night before. In order for us to be able to leave the house, my diaper bag has to be carefully examined to see if we have enough snacks and diapers and wipes for the road on a daily basis. God forbid we leave the house with a shortage of any one of those items! If a nap is taken too early or too late, it poses a threat to the way the evening will go and how early my children will go to bed or how soundly my children will sleep through the night. If a snack is given too late, it threatens dinner. If dinner is eaten because of a poor appetite, we run the risk of a child waking up at night hungry. God, it’s exhausting just reading this! But with all of this in mind, it is difficult to just let go and not thoroughly think through the day ahead and what needs to happen for things to run smoothly. On the other hand, if we think things through too thoroughly, our time is spent in the kitchen either cooking, unloading the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher or cleaning up while our kids are doing something else that doesn’t involve our undivided attention. After we finish that, we are drawn to the neverending pile of laundry, and so on…
Truthfully, it isn’t all that bad. I would rather be doing this job than any other job in the world. And, I mean that! I am so blessed to be able to be with my kids and take care of our home. It’s just challenging to strike a balance and ever feel a sense of completion with anything, and that is especially challenging for me.
Right now, I’m reading a great book (which was recommended to me by a great friend) called Raising Happiness. I will talk more about this book in another post, but it is causing me to think. I love things that make me think. One of the things that I’m learning this week is how to prioritize and fit it all in without feeling overwhelmed. Like I have said before, I hesitate to change until it is too late. I don’t want to just go hire a babysitter, but then I find myself about to throw myself off a cliff by the end of the week. I don’t want to ask my husband to watch the kids after he has a long day at work so that I can go and have some down time, so I start to feel resentful when I don’t get the things I need to do done. But I have to prioritize with these kids or I will not only miss out on them and their childhoods, but I will miss out on me in the process. While I can put the laundry on hold, I can’t make time stand still. They will continue to grow. Life will continue to change. If I don’t find a way to simultaneously enjoy life with my kids while making time for myself (and perhaps getting a few loads of laundry in in the process), I will have missed the point of it all. There is no more of, “Well, I will do that when the kids are older.” The time is now. If I need to take time for myself and go do some things I need to do, then that is what I need to do. There is no room for the word “martyr” in my vocabulary. There is no room for self-pity. And frankly, I want to be happy. It’s just a matter of finding the right recipe that works for everyone in my family.
by Amy | Feb 27, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
This weekend was a beautiful weekend for our little family. Nothing special was going on. And to be honest, there’s lots to be done around our house. None of us is feeling that well — we’ve all got this nasty cough and lots of congestion in our noses. Tate’s still not potty-trained — although, he’d like you to believe he is. Julian is still not sleeping through the night and he’s begun to wake up at 5:30am. But, you know what? We had a great time anyway.
The weekend started off with Daddy bringing home some salmon filets from the store. We had a great dinner (although Tate didn’t think so) and both of us crashed out early after putting the boys to bed on Friday night. Far cry from former Friday nights of parties, movies and dinners at trendy restaurants. On Saturday, we got up around 5:30am (Julian and I, that is) and Tate got up shortly thereafter. We had a leisurely morning filled with banana bread muffins and coffee. I went and worked out later on while Thomas watched the boys. I came home to two screaming boys who had missed their Mommy during the 30 minutes she was gone. I made everyone lunch when I got home and Thomas went outside to do some work in our completely dead yard. He made some good headway with Tate closely by his side helping along the way. I later came out with Julian and we went for a stroll in the red wagon. Julian was such a trooper with his little sun hat on and his sippy cup in hand. You would have thought he was in Heaven getting to sit across from his big brother and be such a big boy. I kept looking back at them as I pulled them around the block and thought, “I can’t believe how big they are getting!!” It truly seems surreal that Baby Julian is now 9 months old and able to do so much and understand so much more with every day that passes. He has very clear ideas about what he wants and what he doesn’t want. As sweet and easy-going as he is, there is nothing passive about this fella. And there’s Tate. My sweet, big boy Tate. He is growing and changing everyday. Not only physically, but emotionally and intellectually. He has such an fascinating perspective and I so enjoy experiencing it through him.
After spending a good part of the day outside on Saturday, we decided to go out for dinner. We all took showers and got cleaned up (like the good ol’ days) and headed out for a nice dinner. As soon as we got to the restaurant, we realized both boys were sound asleep. We carried them inside and made them a spot on the booth next to us and we ate while they slept. It almost felt like a date night. We were able to have a peaceful dinner with no fussing, no crying, no interrupting. It was a Godsend!
This morning, Thomas woke up with the boys at 5:30 and allowed me to sleep a little–which I desperately needed. I got up and he made waffles. The boys were cranky and tired. I got ready and drove downtown to my job at the church to rehearse the children’s choir. I hated leaving because: 1. I was tired and didn’t feel like going. 2. My boys didn’t feel good and didn’t want me to go. 3. It was a nice day out and they were all going for a walk without me as I drove away. But I went anyway. I stopped by Starbuck’s on the way there and saw a family with two boys who were probably around 6 and 8. The parents were talking casually while the boys played with each other, and I thought, “One day, I can relax a little more and not have to keep such a close eye on them.” I drove down to the church and the kids were delightful. We truly had a great time. I drove back and went to the store on the way home and picked up a few things in peace and quiet. It was nice. I came home and the boys were excited to see me. I was excited to see them. I missed them.
A little later, Thomas took the boys to the park so I could teach a lesson. After the lesson was over, they still weren’t home so I had some time to think and get some things in order before they arrived. It was nice. They got home and I was so happy to see them. I had missed them. Thomas worked outside while Tate played in the yard and road on his scooter. I made homemade mac and cheese while Julian played on the floor after his nap. At one point while I was finishing up, he climbed on top of the dishwasher door and started crying because he couldn’t get down. We went outside and talked to our neighbors a while. I took Julian inside and gave him and Tate a bath. We blew bubbles with our new bubble wand for the bathtub. They both laughed and had a great time. I had a great time and truly felt in the moment. We played on the floor in the living room. We took to the boys to their rooms and Julian played peekaboo around the corner and he and Tate laughed hysterically. We put the boys to bed.
I recount all these details not to bore people, but to have a documented chapter of my life. I know I will forget these little moments where nothing major is really going on. I know I will forget the laughs in the bathtub and Julian playing peekaboo around the corner from Tate’s room and them both laughing hysterically. I know I will forget and I don’t want to.
I write this to keep the memories alive. But I also write to remind myself that the big stuff doesn’t only happen on big occasions. It happens on days that are uneventful. It happens on days when we have nothing planned. It happens on days where there’s yardwork and housework that needs to be done. It happens on days when we’re tired from not sleeping. These memories are memories I want to cherish forever. Being with my little family is so special and so important to me. I never want to take our sweet life for granted.
by Amy | Feb 21, 2012 | mama confessions
I’m a terrible, wretched person. You know why? Because the only thing on my mind right now is how to get my kids to LEAVE ME THE ____ ALONE! Or truthfully, how to get everyone to leave me alone. Isn’t that horrid? It is the most beautiful, sunshiney day today, and by all logic and sensibility, I should be “cherishing” the moment and spending the day outside with my beautiful children at a park or going strolling through the neighborhood as we let the sun and fresh breeze hit our faces. But, I’m not. You know what we did? We spent all morning waiting in line at the post office applying for passports and then went and had breakfast while we waited. Fun, but not so interesting or athletic for my energetic 3-year old. And yet, all I could think of in the car on the way home was, “Gee…I really hope they both fall asleep! I need a break!” Well, my wish halfway came true. One of them fell asleep. But the other one didn’t. “No sweat!” I casually thought to myself. “It’s only noon, and I have 3 1/2 hours before I have to teach. He’ll fall asleep at some point.” We came inside the house and I made him a comfy place on the sofa. “Here Darling, why don’t you rest your little head and Mommy will turn on a tractor show for you to watch.” But it was too late. The moment of exhaustion had passed. He was now fully awake and ready to hit the ground running with a second wind behind him. Soon the other one awoke and not only did I have a tired 3 year old to deal with, but a tired 3 year old and a fully energized 9 month old.
Let’s get this straight. I don’t usually obsess about my children sleeping. I used to when I just had one to worry about and when the day would literally crumble around us when he didn’t have his nap. But now that I have two kids, I could care less if they sleep or don’t sleep most of the time. But today is different. Today my world feels like it will crumble around me if I don’t get a break.
So you know what I did? I quickly put both kids back in the car after changing diapers and making sure they both had their sippy cups in hand, and I drove aimlessly around the neighborhood for 30 minutes. Do you know what we saw when we drove around? People at the park. People outside enjoying the weather with their kids like “good” Mommies should. But what was I doing? I was cringing at every word my son said in the car as if he was torturing me by his voice and wishing with every stop sign that he would just hurry up and fall asleep already. Who does this?! Well, apparently me. Several times I thought to myself, “Maybe you’d all feel better if you just took them to the park…besides, does he reallly need a nap?…get over yourself, Amy…you’re a Mommy now…quit being so selfish.” But the louder voice inside of me said, “You know what? He’s tired. You’re tired. You need some down time before you teach this afternoon — even if that means you still have one child to deal with. Now KEEP driving until those little blues shut back there!!!!” And I did. I drove and I drove until he fell asleep. And then I drove home, right by the parks and all the mothers and fathers and grandparents on walks with their kids and grandkids. I also drove by a daycare.
by Amy | Feb 20, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Today has been a pretty good day just hanging out with my two kiddos. Mommy tried but failed at going to the gym. We went alright. Everything seemed fine. However, there was a new lady covering for our the one who is usually there and I think Julian was pretty tired, so after 15 minutes in Pilates class, the ladies came and got me. Both boys were red in the face, snot dripping everywhere and in tears. You would have thought they had been tortured. OH well! I learned long ago not to let that get to me. There will be plenty of days I can work out. We came home, I made lunch and tried to pick the house up a bit. Another fail, but hey! Gotta try! We went for a walk around the neighborhood since it’s lovely outside today and now the boys are being babysat by a neighbor girl down the street. Oh how I love holidays where the kids are out of school. I use up my help and get them booked in advance so I can attempt to get a few measley things done around the house.
On that note…better go and finish what I started before my time is up!
by Amy | Feb 17, 2012 | mama confessions, Uncategorized
Despite the fact that Mommy has been stricken with some sort of viral infection, bronchitis, laryngitis sort of thing that has made her worn out, we trudged onward and forward to the library for story time promptly at 10:30am this morning. We had a great time. Tate and Julian were both in great moods. The librarian, Miss Andrea, read about house pets and Tate shared with everyone that he had a pet dog named Casi and that she was white. We meandered around the library for a while after storytime to check out books, let Tate play on the computers and then Mommy promptly went upstairs to the adult non-fiction section to check out some books about raising toddlers. Gotta be well-equipped.
After the library, we continued on to a little cafe up the street called Star Cafe. I knew the boys were tired and hungry and making it all the way home would be a challenge, so I made it easy on myself. We had fun. Tate and I shared a chicken sandwich and I had thought ahead enough to bring Julian some baby food. THANK GOD! We chowed down on the sandwich and then shared a bag of Doritoes (which he and I both love!) and went home. I thought he would fall asleep in the car, but only Julian did. Oh well, he was pretty good most of the day.
At 2pm, Miss Linda came over to watch the boys for Mommy while she got some things done around the house. Tate was a very good boy and pottied twice for Miss Linda and wore big boy underwear. I was so proud of him when I got home and heard the news. Both boys were so worn out after she left that they both fell asleep.
Even though I had had some much needed breaks built into my day today, I was still unable to come up with a solid dinner plan. I ended up using up some frozen chicken breasts and cooked those along with some roasted potato wedges. Tate loved the chicken, but I was pretty embarrassed by the lack of creativity on my part. Oh well, I guess that goes to prove that what I think is a good meal isn’t necessarily what he calls a good meal. Note to self!
Julian was a fussy little booger today. I think he’s just tired, but it made me think he might be getting another tooth or coming down with a bug. He’s normally pretty jovial, but today he was clingy and whiny. He’s also going through a phase where he wants to be right in the midst of the action. He literally gets mad and gets his feelings hurt when we remove him from the action or take away something he shouldn’t have. It’s a tough phase. I feel like I’m always taking something away from him. And if I’m not, Tate is.
Yesterday, we had a rough time because he was getting into all of Tate’s toys and Tate was feeling especially protective. He was patient with him here and there, but for the most part, he was pretty irritated. The irritation finally resulted in Tate kicking Juilan as hard as he could in the head. This resulted in screaming convulsions from Julian and me wanting to throttle Tate. I ended up taking away one of his favorite toys and shutting off his favorite show. He then screamed for 20 minutes until he finally passed out in my arms from exhaustion. BOY, what a day that was. Thank God today was easier and better.
There will be good days and bad days, I guess. Today was good…really good!
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